Moving too quickly in a relationship

Ok, so I've had my heart broken recently by my girlfriend cheating on me, but I wondered if people feel that if things move too quick into a relationship, could that be a reason for some cracks to appear further down the line?

My girlfriend who is no more gave me a spare house key only two months into our relationship which struck me as odd!

Yes it's nice to trust people, but you still don't really know someone after only two months of seeing each other.

Well, yes, that could be a reason. People who cheat, or who plan to cheat, have a character flaw and are not honest. When things move very quickly, yes, it's easy to miss such flaws because you're caught up in the initial whirlwind romance.

So, perhaps next time you slow it down and get to know the person better before committing your heart or parts of your life to them. Perhaps that's the lesson to be learned here.

Plus, you probably didn't initially know that she would want to stay chained to the house all the time. Given your posts, I wonder if she has depression or some sort of mental health issue going on. It seems it since she is so tired all the time and wants to stay home.

I am very sorry you got so hurt. No one deserves to be cheated on, even if it hadn't happened yet, it was still the plan and she was sexting. I know how awful it feels. I've been cheated on several times over. She is not worthy of your heart. That's how I always look at it. Next time, you will be sure to find someone who is honest and faithful. That's what you need to carry forward with you.

Yes, you are correct in that this girlfriend was too quick to give you a key to her place. From the little you have shared it sounds like this girl is still VERY naive and doesn't understand boundaries very well either. If she cheated on you it's important that you understand how that is really saying more about her than how deserving you are of having someone care about you and your feelings. Often a person who is naive like this tends to just love being loved and admired but still doesn't understand what it means to actually slowly develop a relationship that involves being able to actually understand the other person better.

Spot on. A character flaw that could be uprooted stemming from even childhood perhaps or a learned trait?

I understand what you are saying about things moving too quickly that it can be easy to miss or overlook critical things.


Point taken and noted.


I would be of the agreement that she does have some sort of mental health issues (that she hadn't declared to me apart from depression) which could be a factor for her flakiness and unreliability.



She knew what she was doing and nobody can be blamed for making someone cheat, it is a choice and not so much an option. Actions speak louder than words.

You have helped convince me that she isn't just worthy of my heart, but me as a person. I was simply too good for her and she didn't appreciate me.

When things move too quickly, you get too attached before you even know if the person is right for you.

When you say girl, she is actually a grown woman at 39yrs of age! That makes the equation even more difficult to comprehend.

She has told me though that she hasn't had many relationships in the past (not that this gives her an excuse to cheat on me whether she has relationship experience or not.)



I don't quite understand what you mean by the part highlighted in bold? Do you mean that it could be because she has issues that she hasn't addressed?

She was never one to like to be the centre of attention and couldn't take compliments well (too modest).

I just think that the whole relationship didn't have a foundation and railed along at 100MPH.

There can definitely some hints early on in a relationship, Depressed-Fiance. Unfortunately it's not always easy to pick up on them. But what matters is that now you're out of it, so hopefully you'll be able to build a better, stronger relationship. Sending many hugs to you

Thanks MC.

Admittedly, maybe the signs were overlooked early on because we were so wrapped up in each other that we failed to notice the bigger picture...........getting to know each other.

She may not be able to fully appreciate anyone for that matter. I know for me, I tend to take things very personally, but just know it's not you, it's her. She's got some issues and those are entirely apart from you as a person.

But yes, to your point, she didn't deserve you, and you deserve far better than that kind of treatment. Someone who cancels hotel plans last minute and who makes you eat the cost of it is extremely selfish and thoughtless. So is someone who plans on cheating. They are out to fulfill their own needs at the expense of others and don't stop themselves from committing hurtful actions because it's amoral and thoughtless. That is a very selfish person at heart.

Yep. Move slower and more cautious next time. I made the similar mistake in the past. Best wishes!

Possibly? Sometimes people cheat without learning the behavior from childhood but perhaps she did not have proper role models to model her own behavior after. Either way, it's a character flaw and clearly not something you will tolerate, nor should you tolerate it. HUGS.

I feel that I gave and put more into the relationship than she did. It did at times feel quite one sided in that when I suggested doing activities etc. then she wouldn't always want to go to a place I suggested (there was no give and take.)


I do believe too that she has some issues, but she would be in denial about them if I asked her about them.



That's what all my friends keep saying is that I deserve better and I know that I do. I just loved and gave too much to her and didn't get the same equal balance back in return.

Her attitude to money too is that it grows on trees and I don't personally feel that she understands the value of it.

It all adds up now too because when I confronted her about her cheating text messages, she didn't even seem that remorseful or bothered by my findings which actually did surprise me.

She has shown herself to be a non trustworthy, selfish and downright horrible insensitive woman and one that I no longer want in my life.

She came from a broken childhood. Her parents split up and divorced when she was an early teenager, her Dad was an alcoholic, there was never any morals/strict right from wrong values in her upbringing and her mum has since got with a new partner who she has been with for quite a few years and the alcohol killed her Dad.

It's truly unfortunate for you that you had to get your heart broken and learn a valuable lesson the hard way. Trust me, I know how it feels to get burned in love... I've had that happen far too many times in my life. and I've been burned many times over by giving my heart too soon to the wrong people.

The true value that you can take away from this is: that you value, love and respect yourself SO much that you won't allow something like this to happen again; and that you will be far more careful with your heart the next time, and with whom you CHOOSE to give it to. It IS a choice. You have choices in love and relationships. And now you know that the person should earn your trust as you get to know them better over the course of time, and as they show you and prove to you through their actions and words repeatedly that they are WORTHY of your heart, love, caring and giving. That's the lesson to carry away with you from this.

We have to love ourselves enough to say to ourselves that our hearts are most precious, and that we will only give our whole heart away to the right person, when they come along.

And yes, often times cheaters are NOT remorseful, which only just shows they they have no conscience. A person with a conscience would feel remorseful and horrible about it.

So she is a very selfish person with no conscience to boot. Good riddance!! And probably very immature and naive as well to not understand the value of money, especially someone else's money that has been spent on them.

And give and take should be pretty much equal in a healthy relationship.

Ahhh... OK. well there you have it. Some valuable info for you on her background and upbringing that made her the person she is today.

All I can take from this is to not be as 'giving' of my heart too early on in a relationship and to trust my instincts.

YES! You got it.

True, yet from what you have shared this woman's personal foundation is lacking and she simply doesn't have enough experience and knowledge when it comes to the how to's in relationships.

Here is your answer to her behaviors right here. When a parent is an alcoholic a child doesn't really get to see "healthy" boundaries or get support to develop healthy boundaries for themselves.

I think an additional thing to consider would be how you choose women who turn out to be so unsuitable.

It is good to limit your losses, which is what you are addressing.

In my opinion it would be even better to have better instincts at first, to make better choices at first, so as to not even be attracted or involved at all with women who turn out to be so dramatically unsuitable.

This I think would be good to discuss with a therapist.

Bill makes some really important points here. Is there a pattern in your life? Do you find yourself dating similar women (I don't know if you mentioned that or not) and struggling with the same sort of relationship issues? Therapy can be really helpful in looking into why you date the people you date and how to reverse that trend if necessary.

As for cheating...there are many reasons why people cheat. There's a big difference between a stable person making a mistake once in their lifetime, owning it, and working through it versus someone who is a serial cheater in all of their relationships. If you find that you keep running into infidelity and trust issues in all of your relationships it would be really helpful to learn in therapy why you are attracted to those folks.

You also mentioned getting a key too soon. Always remember that you don't have to move in or accept a key just because it is offered. You have the right to set a healthy pace for any relationship you are in.

Currently your thoughts seem focused on her. Understandable since you are hurt. Though for your well-being, at some point you will want to focus on yourself. I don't think endeavoring to try to diagnose her or fathom her life story and choices will be the path to peace for you. You said you are sure the relationship is over so leave her to it. You can't know what is in another person's mind. Separate her actions from your intrinsic self-worth. They are not related, if you know what I mean.