Could you forgive being cheated on?

This is in no way looking for advice based on my ex cheating on me (that was given in a specific thread), but for you personally, if you discovered that your boyfriend. girlfriend, partner, husband or wife was cheating on you/had cheated on you, would you forgive them or would you be unable to?

Personally I've always believed in giving second chances, but when it comes to being unfaithful then I couldn't - even if your partner told you about it or worst still, didn't!

Over to you ladies and gents.

It really depends on the situation. But yes, I think I could be willing to forgive and forget under the right circumstances. But that's only my opinion. Sending many hugs to you

It depends on the situation, first time I'd consider it, if they did it all the time then no. One ex of mine was a serial cheater so I would never take him back, even when he wanted me to take him back the answer was no.

Hello Depressed Fiance. Interesting post. I don't think anyone actually knows how they would respond to a given scenario until/unless they're in it. It would depend on the situation, length of relationship, and several other factors...one issue or recurring trend etc. I think it's worth pointing out that when infidelity occurs in a long-term relationship, there were typically already serious problems within the relationship. Marriage therapists are very familiar with that pattern.

As for me, yes, I forgave someone for infidelity in the past. I also have a few friends (men and women) who were willing and able to forgive infidelity in order to move forward with their relationship...though of course it took a lot of work and rebuilding trust with therapy.

I think it's a major problem in society that people are expected to find a "perfect" partner and are essentially told that if infidelity ever occurs it is unforgivable. Humans make mistakes. Infidelity is sometimes one of those mistakes. I think humans would benefit from stepping back from reductive, all-or-nothing notions about love and relationships and opening up the dialogue to the grey areas and exploration of problems.

I don't think any credible relationship therapist would tell someone who'd experienced infidelity: "Well that's it, you need to dump him/her immediately." I also think there is some hypocrisy going on in modern relationships: "It's all her fault" or "it's all his fault." When there are two people in a relationship, there are two people making decisions (or not) and two people impacting the relationship in various ways either by action or inaction. To lay all of the blame for relationship breakdown at the door of one person (whether for infidelity or some other infraction) is unrealistic and untenable.

For example, sexless marriages are quite common for various reasons. So, if a partner then goes outside of the marriage to meet a sexual need, then society castigates that person as "bad" or "wrong." The spouse may even say things like: "You ruined our life together." But nobody addresses the fact that it's a big problem when one spouse in a monogamous marriage wants sex and the other withdraws from it entirely or may even refuse to discuss the problem. Is an affair an ideal way to deal with a sexless marriage? No. But I also don't think it's reasonable to say that the spouse who was craving sex or intimacy didn't love their partner or suddenly turned into a bad person. If you see what i mean. Important to look at both sides as well as the relationship as a whole unit.

It is so easy for us to point out the flaws of others...much harder to take a long hard look at our own issues. And yet, that's where real personal growth occurs in my opinion.

I think though when you agree to marry and agree to be monogamous that its a sacred promise. Sexless marriages happen but then if a partner cant deal with that, they should make an exit. Just like if someone's spouse had cancer and was physically unable to engage in sex- it doesnt mean its ok for the other partner to look for it somewhere else. The act of infidelity lies squarely on the cheaters' back. it doesnt matter that the marriage was sexless, bad, good, whatever. Cheating is still a choice and that choice should not have been made if both partners agreed to monogamy. I am not saying you cant forgive someone who cheated. That is entirely up to the couple involved. I love my husband so very much and would be devastated if he cheated. I'd like to say I would kick him to the curb but how can you turn off love?

Being cheated on is one of the hardest things to forgive, if it is even possible. In my mind it breaks a very foundational trust that cannot be overlooked in a relationship because without trust in the person you're with everything, and I mean everything else falls apart. If they are willing to lie and cheat on you at this very important and critical level, all other lying and cheating, deception is possible which undermines anything they say to you or do with you... etc. So it is quite a difficult thing in my mind to get past.

is it impossible? I imagine not as I think in this world pretty much anything is possible with people but here is how I look at it:

If I were to forgive and move on from it, it requires a rebuilding of that trust and that trust must be on the adulterer's part not mine. I would expect and require that I have been given evidence that they have really faced their wrong doing or for lack of a better word, repented of it to me. What that evidence would be is hard to define but it would be clear that they know they were wrong and were sorry for it and ready to be different. Truthfully forgiveness could come without all of that but getting past it and contining with this person could not. what I mean is even in the event it was forgiven does not mean that I would continue in the relationship with the person.

Nope no way nada no

I understand you SarahSweets It is a choice of course. I was addressing the nuances. If you re-read my post, you'll note that i didn't say infidelity was "okay" or recommended.

A couple of good friends of mine in the past have been the "cheater" and I think if you knew them and knew their stories you'd find empathy for them. They seemed to me to be in just as much pain as their partners but I was the only one they could talk to in our social circle because they were immediately excluded and branded by everyone else as "bad" or "less than" which didn't help anyone.

I always try hard to look at both sides in life. I don't moralize...the morality of cheating or how we treat "cheaters" would be a separate thread. I was just exploring the varying realities of human attachment and the complexity of partnering with another human for the long haul. I've experienced infidelity and it hurt a great deal. But honestly, the worst hurts I've experienced from others had nothing to do with sex or infidelity. I feel that's worth mentioning.

Peace to all

Hi Depressed Fiance,

I found out after the fact that my ex-husband cheated on me. I was already divorced when I found that out. I would have a hard time taking my current husband back if he cheated on me. I forgave my ex-husband. Holding onto unforgiveness or becoming bitter is harmful to your own health.

This is a really interesting question. I talked about it with a group of people one time and found an interesting gender distinction. The women (me included) thought it would be easier to forgive sexual infidelity (a one night stand for example) if it didn't really "mean anything" meaning no emotions were involved. But we would have a harder time forgiving an ongoing emotional affair (in which our partner truly falls in love with someone else but without having sex).

The men on the other hand said they didn't mind an emotional affair but if their partner cheated, they would immediately break up.

I wonder why this is. For me, sex can be completely separated from love. I have had sex with people I didn't care about (not that this is the ideal situation of course). And if I had a partner who had sex with someone one time and then never thought of them again, I wouldn't find it that big a deal. But true infidelity of emotions would hurt me much more.

I was just wondering why there is such a strict gender divide there.

That's a really interesting post DownandLonely. That has not been my experience with friends (I've seen men and women react in all kinds of ways as "cheater" or "cheatee" if you'll forgive the crass terms) but I'm only going off a small sample size...I haven't had close friendships with that many people so I don't really know what the larger population thinks. Personally, I think there's a lot of stereotyping going on for men and women. Sometimes I think perhaps we aren't so different as society suggests. But that's just my opinion I enjoyed reading your post D&L.

Ps. the "emotional affair" concept perplexes me. If two people aren't having sex or flirting or planning to have sex and they are just friends...what's wrong with that?? Why is that deemed an "affair?" I honestly don't understand that term. I've had plenty of male friends over the years. I enjoyed the company and so did they. I've read research on how friends of the opposite sex can enrich your life and I agree. My S.O. at the time always knew I ad male friends. My male friends don't flirt with me. I don't flirt with them. So what's this "emotional affair" thing about? An affair is having sex with someone else (or at least exchanging sexual words or suggestions). What am I missing? I'm curious to learn more though I admit that the term irritates me because it seems to suggest that men and women can't ever relate to each other without winding up in bed and I do not agree with that at all.

I think with emotional affair, it's beyond a simple platonic friendship. It's when the emotional needs of the couple become neglected or I even consider going to advice or to vent(not basic advice but to rattle on as though not behaving solidified enough to confront and communicate with one's own partner) about one's partner with the opposite gender to be teetering on a slippery slope. Because then the energy and commitment needed to maintain a healthy relationship is lost.

Could I, would I forgive cheating? Eventually forgiveness is about relieving oneself of bitterness from betrayal. So in that sense, of course. I'm too weary to carry such weights on my shoulders.

As far as staying or leaving? I'd give committed therapy a chance provided it was both being truly committed to that. A boundary of trust would be breached and it's either permanently destroyed or would take a specialist to get to the root of the matter. Things would never be the same, no doubt.

I can't forgive a cheater

Nope , no way no how

It would be hard to forgive, but I would forgive them for my space.

I could forgive for my inner peace, but I would disown them from my life and memory and never speak to them again.

I think and emotional affair is where you begin to become emeshed emotionally with someone else while being in a committed relationship. Where you have your emotional needs met by someone else- leaning on that person instead of your partner, sharing emotional moments and supporting each other instead of leaning on your partner. I believe it is a type of intimacy that should be reserved for your partner. Its almost like a relationship without the sex. In many ways I suppose an emotional affair might hurt me more than just sleeping with someone.

I have seen this situation time & time again...and yes I have been cheated on once (although I would define it in different words).

In a long term committed relationship, there are so many worse things that a spouse can do apart from having sex with another person....However, having a surreptitious 'relationship' would be another matter altogether....and worthy of a more in-depth conversation at a later date.

I find it sad that when a partner sleeps with someone outside of the relationship this often negates every good point of the person...all the times they cared for us when were ill, the providing a warm home, them taking on board all our problems, and supporting us in finding solutions, them working tirelessly toward shared financial commitments, goals & dreams...the list goes on. We are all flawed human beings...no one is faultless, and I am in no way condoning a partners choice to sleep around ....But Love is a powerful drug, and for that very reason finding forgiveness for the transgressions of those we hold dear is part of being human too.

There's some interesting responses here and neither are right or wrong, it's down to the individual whether they could forgive or not - albeit a very personal decision.

I know what some of you mean when you say that you won't know how to feel unless you were put in that situation yourself. I am simply speaking from experience and appreciate that for some people it would be hard to know what you'd do in these circumstances.

I don't think anyone is required to forgive cheating. I may eventually forgive in a sense that I don't hold resentment against my partner. However, I would not continue a relationship with that person, or take him back.

deal breaker

I've been cheated on several times. For me, there is no getting past it and no real forgiveness. It taints the relationship and there is no going back to what was -- the trust is gone and you're constantly looking over your shoulder wondering if their eye is still wandering. Total dealbreaker. Once trust is gone it's gone forever in my experience.

I did it many years ago when husband and I were not married yet and he cheated, but it took therapy, a lot of restrictions on his privacy, and a lot of time. I just found out a couple of days ago that something I said a month ago was interpreted by him that I no longer wanted be with him and was leaving him, so he pursued a relationship with someone who he did computer work for. It didn’t reach the sexual point, and he called her and broke it off while I listened. He doesn’t want our marriage to end. Do I want to go through the work of trying to trust yet again? I don’t know. He says he will do anything, but words are just that. I am still trying to process my grief and anger—this on top of physical and mental health issues that were already there may be too much.

I think there is a big difference between staying with cheating spouse and forgiving cheating spouse. Not the same thing. One can forgive for the sake of moving on with their lives but not stay with cheating partner.

Often times people (I’d say women much more often than men) stay with a cheating spouse because they financially dependent on them and/or are afraid to be alone and can’t take charge of their own life.

From outside it might appear that the person forgave their cheating spouse and that’s why they stayed together but in reality it’s often not the case. At the same time one might find forgiveness in thei heart but not stay with cheating partner

Too often it appears that people stay in bad marriages because they believe in sanctity of marriage when in reality they cant just can’t make it on their own