Need some support

Hi, I will try to make this not horribly long. My husband has had a hard time dealing with my mental and physical issues, and has several times vented his frustration and anger on me, despite my asking him to find a therapist or support group to help him instead. He briefly went to therapy and supposedly joined a support site. This has gone on probably close to a year. We had a big blow up a month ago, and I told him when my back fracture healed I was going to go visit my parents out of state for a short time. He leapt to the conclusion that I was leaving him, though I hadn’t decided that really, and he proceeded to initiate a relationship with a woman he did computer work for. All behind my back, until I found some texts from her. It wasn’t sexual but likely would have been eventually. He has ended it with her and wants to save our marriage. I honestly haven’t decided what to do, and my depression,anxiety,anger are out of control. Cried nonstop yesterday. Any comforting words are appreciated.

Decisions take time and planning

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I'm not sure that I have words of consolation other than those. Having to reconsider long term future plans is daunting, to say the least. Especially while recovering from a back surgery/injury. I saw your post on the forgiveness thread. What a major blow to all the progress that had been made. Where's his upholding the sickness/health promise? What was he thinking?(rhetorical) Will survival independently be possible?
Can your home be modified to live separately?

pixielouwho, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Please do what's best for you. It may not seem like it now, but it's going to be okay. Can you spend time with people who lift you up? You deserve respect and love. It sounds like your husband needs some help of his own.

I'm so sorry, pixielouwho Take your time to decide. I understand you must be confused and in pain. Just do what you feel like it's the best option for you. Do you feel like forgiving him? Or do you just want to move on with someone else? Both decisions are up to you. Just take your time. No hurry. I hope things will get better for you soon. I hope writing here helps a bit. Count on us if you need any encouragin words. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always availabe if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you

Have either of you considered therapy for yourselves as a couple or individually?

I have been in therapy for myself for over a year, due to health issues and related depression and anxiety. It has helped me cope better, but it seems every time I start doing well something else kicks me in the butt, my back 3 months ago being the latest. He has agreed to go to therapy by himself as well as with me, just waiting for recommendations of who to see.

Can’t do anything to change the home situation, we already have separate bedrooms due to my chronic sleep issues. Apparently what he was thinking was that I no longer loved him or wanted him around, that I’d go to my parents and decide not to come back. I had considered leaving, but never said so because it wasn’t a plan, just a thought. I could not support myself as I can’t work full time. He says even if I leave he doesn’t want a divorce so that I still have health insurance. After 19 years I guess couples therapy is worth a shot. It was just really crappy timing.

maybe he can work on expressing his fears before acting on them?

Bless your heart, honey!! Therapy is such a valuable asset. It sounds like yawl are making progress.

sounds like likely he would have found an excuse to cheat eventually and he just used the opportunity to such end.

to be honest I don't know all the details but if he's cheating or cheated, I'd go to your parents with the plan to stay there and leave his butt.

We are going to therapy, but maybe just with the intention of how best to separate. Husband has serious issues he would like to resolve, says he will try but can’t promise they can be fixed as he doesn’t even know the root cause. I have no intention of waiting months just to have him say it’s not fixable and we can’t save the marriage. Therefore I am working on how I would go about relocating. I hate to go back to the state where all my family live, find all new medical providers, etc., but I will not continue to live in the same small city if we are no longer together, and I need a support system which I don’t have here. Seems like every time I start to improve, something kicks me down again.

Hey, you have my support here and its great you are seeing a therapist.

the fact that he states he "can't promise" that he will fix the problem is a sign of lack of commitment to the marriage in the first place. In the face of separation and I'm sure divorce he has only partial desire to even change. I think at the very least going forward with the separation is a good course of action.

Doesn't anyone recognise that it's generous of him to think about your continuing on his health insurance? Or did I understand this wrong?

yes but he was cheating so I look at it as guilt not generosity.

Sarahsweets: How I read it is that these two people have been behaving in a hostile way and threatening to leave each other before the cheating happened... so there is some deeper control/ lack of communication issue going on. Not being committed works both ways, and I know that from painful first hand experience. So this husband is being more generous than I might be prepared to be in the context of the general lack of commitment.

I'm not "on his side" - I just generally believe in valuing any good behaviour in the dire messes that we get ourselves into - on both sides of any conflict. Having grown up with street violence, I've learned that even guilt shows a big measure of human responsibility, and is therefore valuable!

Financial support is still a form of support. Just because our emotions of hurt and anger are running wild, doesn't mean that we should knock someone else's humanity. Financial support is the traditional male role of care. If women want more emotionally, they need to assume their own financial responsibilities. I say "thank you" to people who have helped me out financially, even when we are not emotionally compatible.

Perhaps you know the back story more than I do. Wishing everyone healthy relationships (sigh, especially wishing that to myself) today!!!

With honest respect for your responses generally! Saidso

I am really sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like he was WAY out of line. I know it's really hard to do, but the one piece of advice that I can give to you is try to be gracious and forgive him for acting so poorly. Understand that you deserve better and that this certainly wasn't a healthy or proactive measure that he took. However, if you let this eat at you than it will continue to do so. By practicing forgiveness you can move on and not dwell on this anymore. I know this is hard, but for me it has proven to be one of the most helpful things. I had a fiance that cheated on me. I was emotionally stuck on her behavior for almost a year until I realized that I needed to forgive her and move on. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting the pain someone caused you. It does, however, untie you from the leash that hatred brings.


I hope this came out OK and was somewhat helpful!

They are still married. Nothing to do with generosity. It’s common or in fact expected practice to keep your spouse on your health insurance until official divorce. In fact I don’t think you can even take people off insurance without qualifying event (death birth divorce etc)

I think he is saying that he does not want divorce per se, even if de facto separated, which is not a formal obligation. He realizes that his disabled wife needs health insurance - that deserves appreciation.

pixielouwho - it seems that his relationship or the beginnings of a relationship with the woman for whom he fixed computers was an ego-protecting "sour grapes" kind of thing. In his mind you threatened complete separation, beyond separate bedrooms. He was therefore facing - in his mind - being an ex husband whose wife has abandoned him. Hence a third party - another woman - to say "sour grapes" and salvage the ego, "save face", etc., as if it had been his initiative to leave the marriage and not yours, as if he were the one making choices and decisions and not you. It was an attempt to hold onto an illusion of power.

I did, thank you. I am unable to work full time at the moment, and he says he will make sure I am taken care of until I can be more independent, presuming that happens. He honestly is not a heartless bastard, just does stupid, impulsive things he knows are hurtful, and doesn’t seem to know why (except that he needs attention to boost his almost non existent self esteem.) I have my flaws that contributed to the situation, and our inability to communicate well was a huge factor.

No, we have not been threatening to leave each other. In 19 years we have talked about splitting up maybe 3 times. I have thought about it more times than that, but never expressed it out loud. I think my developing chronic mental and physical illness was the catalyst for a lot of bad stuff. We rarely argued before that. I am not blameless in the marriage going bad, but no one deserves cheating.

That makes some sense. Also he seems unable to be alone, so if I was leaving he had to have my replacement lined up. That’s some of the ego part.

Just to clarify, he said he didn’t want to divorce, so that I would still have health insurance. That could have gone on until I reached Medicare age if needed, I am 60. Whether that’s guilt or generosity, only he knows.

pixielouwho - my 60+ y.o. roommate lives like that, still officially married to his separated wife and on her (very generous) health insurance - she is a gov't employee. He does a whole lot for her, though, so it is not one-sided generosity - she and the children live in their house and he rents together with me and he helps out. But he also needs insurance, suffering from major depression and receiving medical treatments and TMS. The thing about them is it is is clear that his wife won't remarry - she is a hermit who suffers from a clutterer's disease and she does not have a social life; age, too. Your official husband might be well-intentioned and sincere now, but 5 years down the line his circumstances may change. Looking at the worst case scenario will be needed at some point - just not right now because he is not threatening an instant divorce.