Family

Not sure exactly where this post should go but... how do you go about being forced to associate with toxic family members? I get anxiety about going to eat.. going to social events with my family.. yet if i dont go they like to play victim listing things theyve done for me as a child all while ignoring the damaging things.... they criticize my opinion about everything.. my style... my hobbies... my everything.. say blatantly ignorant and rude things without a second thought and if i confront them , somehow I’m wrong. If i completely cut them off they get pissed and carry on... I’m just not sure what to do...

I wish I had an answer for you.

your family sound exactly like mine, but in my case, they were so abusive to me that they eventually through me out telling me I wasn't welcome anymore to associate with them (then they emigrated.)

do you spend much time away from them? (school/ colledge, work, going round friends)

((((hugs)))))

all the more reason to cut them off. surely bending to their manipulations is only serving to encourage further manipulation. Being controlled is not something one should ever make a choice to be.

The longer you bend to their will and do what they want because of fear, the harder will become to leave.

here's the thing. walking away can only be a win win situation. First off, you'll give yourself the chance to break free from the manipulative dysfunction of your family. Second it will either - free you completely of their tyranny and/or will make them realize that you no longer will be manipulated and will change their ways but in the worst case, they remain steadfast in their behaviors, you still will be free of it by leaving.

It matters very little what people did for you in the past, if this is used against you in order to make you do what they want you to do it nullifies the acts themselves. If someone does something and makes it a selfish act in order to hold it over your head later, is that act even anything that is generous or caring in the first place? Therefore those things no longer hold power over you when you realize this. It is not an even and balanced relationship any longer it's one of obligation and tallies of actions. Idk about you but that's not how I handle or view a true friendship.

I assume then you live in the same community as them? Is there anyone, family or aquaintance that you do trust who can step in? I am just not sure what else that I can say other than I really feel for you. I have a younger brother who on the surface tries to be all helpful in public but who is a big turd in my life behind the scenes. I find myself pretending all is well for my father's sake even though my brother has been really awful. I have confided in people as to what has gone on but no one seems to believe me as what they see is the pretend character he wants them to see. It is revolting.

I thought there was.. but its like one by one theyre turning on me... almost like they dont notice how bad they are because they have eachother to validate eachothers opinions.... and yes I understand you too.. basically put on a happy face.. take one for the team just to keep the peace ... it’s just that ive been dealing with it for yrsss and idk how much more I can take.. but they make it so easy to make me feel like garbage for even creating a little distance...

Thats why it sucks... it’s family... (which i know really doesnt mean anything but it’s easier to use against someone).... idk i cant really explain it, like my mother was verbally, emotionally and a few times physically abusive... yet when it came down to it she used her past as an excuse.. blamed everyone but herself for the way she acted.. shed call the police and say I was the issue.... but as an adult she wants to be my best friend.. she guilts me by saying “ youre my only family” “i did so much for you when no one else did”.... etc etc.... and i could cut them all off but at the same time it’s like.... what am I supposed to do? Be bad mouthed all over town ? I shouldn’t have to pack up and move across state lines to get a little peace..... my grandparents are worse... theyre the judgemental part of the family, my mom is the controlling one..... and then theres me... just trying to exist but yet its like no matter what they talk to me as if I’m 5... i dont get the “ im proud of your accomplishments” or “ im happy that you’re happy”... i get the “ how come you dont___?”.... “ why arent you___?”...... “ i told you you should have____.”........ and all i can think is, im the only one in the family who didnt screw up life.... and they reply with “ YOURE NOT AS PERFECT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE”..... like i never said i was perfect... id just appreciate my family being respectful of my life, opinions, and understanding that they have affected me in such away that I want little contact... almost like when a teen goes away to school, they may feel closer to their family when theyre home for the holidays... like I feel like if i HAVE to be a part pf the madness.. itll be easier with limited contact.. but of course theyre offended by that too...

Just stop interacting with them. Who cares if they play the victim? Playing the victim only works if there are people around who care.

I try my hardest to avoid them. Even if it means lying... lying is wayyy better than just saying “ i dont want to be around you”.... my phone would be blowing up.. itd probably start riding the lines of harassment tbh...

you dont' have to explain at all. I have experienced it and I walked away from my family going on almost 2 decades ago. They still do maintain that I'm the bad person vs them. They still make no attempts for reconciliation and basically I'm a black sheep and that's actually quite alright with me now.

Thing is the most growth and improvement in my life started after I left that family. The manipulation, guilt and control over my lfe never let me learn what it was like to do my thing, make my decisions for beter or worse but even when it was for the worse, it also taught me to own up to my own mistakes which was the best thing ever. I have been without their influence a long time so I can really encourage you that considering your story being as similar as mine, that you'll benefit from being able to walk away, block and stop listening to them.

But.. with that being said, it's not something that is easily done nor is it something that comes quick. But if you look at the long view, or if you could see it from my vantage point, you'd see that it's for the best.

I know where your coming from. I see it as control through guilt and shame which are tyrannical tactics. For some, I'm sure further tactics of threats and physical abuse are used. For what it's worth, this is what I did...I would attend enough family things to keep the peace but opened up a path for myself using a psychologist so I could begin creating a safe space for myself to begin forging the life I wanted. I would at times say things like 'why should I have to do all this extra work and spend this money to lead a more self respecting life free of manipulation?'. But, then I realised bad luck is simply bad luck, nothing is going to get me out of this unless I develop the kind of life I want. If I go to war with them, I only play into the tyranny. Over time, I felt I got more freedom using outside help and families age, they do naturally lose control. Moving away may also be important to create distance.

Simple.

Change all your phone numbers and email addresses and block them on all social media.

If they try to harass you by coming to your house threaten to call the police on them, or better yet, get a restraining order.

Or you could do what a distant relative from my step father's side of the family did when the rest of the family insulted and abused him for being gay and get a lawyer and require any communication from any relatives or family to go directly through the lawyer.

Hi PandaBear. Your family sounds very much like mine. The currencies in my family are guilt and shame...people are expected to dish it out or receive it. I refuse to participate in that dynamic so they have deemed me "cold" "selfish" "evil" and "not knowing how to be part of a family." I recommend talking with an experienced psychologist if you're open to it. Family problems can be some of the most confusing and painful...for me anyway. I honestly feel like I can't win. In the psych community, they don't seem to favor a complete cut-off (based on my therapy experience and reading of the research) as I think they worry that this can be a deep emotional burden on the person who needed the distance. I don't know...they seem to encourage some sort of middle ground if safely possible.

I would support you in whatever option you choose for your own safety and well-being. I haven't yet found the right path through it for myself. Currently I am physically far away from mine but I walk an emotional tightrope even just with responding to their phone calls and texts/email. I took a break from therapy but I know I need to go back for some more ideas and support.

Please remember that you deserve peace, unconditional love, and respect whether your family provides it or not. Their nasty interactions are a reflection of their character flaws, NOT of your worth or value.

Here's a big, safe and for PandaBear and everyone else struggling with obnoxious family dynamics.

I can relate. But family doesn't have to be blood-relations, especially when you are an adult. You should surround yourself with a group of healthy people.

Playing the victim is a manipulative tactic. They will stop once they have no audience for their performance. They can't throw darts* when the target** is nowhere to be seen.

Darts* = their criticisms; target** = your reactions

Well said!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with disconnecting from toxic people. I would suggest bringing a support person if you think it would make things simpler to stay connected. It can help a lot to have another person to validate the chaos your feeling.

I have a family like this. Here I am after all these years still struggling to set boundaries in my life.

If I could go back in time about 20 years... and change things... I would work on changing my own behaviors and accepting my “family” for who they are. Doing that work would mean I would have better relationships with people today. I didn’t understand this though. I grieved and struggled for years over the family I didn’t have. I tried to talk to them and tell them how I felt. I argued. I would feel angry. I would feel guilt. I tried to be nice and then inevitably they would run right over me and the whole cycle would start again.

I am now completely estranged from them and have no plans to reconnect. I have peace in my life but that peace has come with a price and it has taken me several years to understand that.

So if I could have managed to keep them at a distance.... I would have needed to really build my boundary setting skills for this... I think it would have been healthier. I was never able to accomplish that though. It was all or none with them. Their way or no way at all. They would blow up at every boundary I tried to set. Again, maybe I could have worked on myself more and found a way to better manage it all.

For what it’s worth... I personally think it’s best to come to a point where you can emotionally accept the situation for what it is and learn how to cope with people like them because those types of people tend to keep showing up in our lives in other ways. Whether or not you keep your family in your life... the patterns tend to repeat themselves. Best of luck to you. My heart goes out to you.

People put too much faith in "blood" relations. Like so what, you share genetics, so you can still be an asshole.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, pandabear0927 I agree with all the others. Just cut them out of your life if you can. They may be your family, but if they're toxic people around, they have no business being in your life. True, lving families should stick together and love each other, after all. But if they're not willing to do so, then you have every right to stay away from them. Don't let them manipulate your life. It's your own life and your own decisions. You don't need more toxic people. I'm so sorry, I now how hard it is when it's your own family that's hurting you. But you need to take care of yourself. It's just self-preservation, after all. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you