Husband Walked Out

Yes, he has done this before, but not since we’ve been married. He walked out several times when we were dating, but it’s much harder and more intense now that we are married.

Also, I feel the initial argument was really secondary to everything that happened afterwords in terms of relevance. I just can’t make sense of why that would lead him to do what he did.

Again, I am very sorry if it insulted you personally as a male. Not my intention to insult anyone.

Please understand, however, that many, many men are like that. And if you cannot see that, then you don't see it. That is the way I see it, as well as many women. Most men want sex from women. Perhaps NOT YOU, but most. OK? Can we please drop this now? For the sake of the OP? I am personally dealing with a lot of crap in my own life and don't wish to argue with anyone about anything.

We both are here on this thread to help the OP.... so let's do that.

He makes lots of comments about me being forgetful and mindless when I do little things like forget to turn the fan off when we leave the house and things like that. He doesn’t see it as being mean; he says I should be happy that he’s truthful with me.

An example is right before we got married I was dieting to make sure I would fit in my wedding dress (I’m small; under 125 but there was no room to gain anything in this dress) and he said randomly one night “Are you sure you’re gonna fit in your dress?” And i said yeah I’ve been dieting and he said “well it looks like you’ve been gaining weight so i doubt it.” Of course this launched me into a freakiut session cause I’m insecure. I was crying and shaking and so unhappy cause I just wanted him to think I was beautiful. He got SO angry at me for getting so upset at him for being “truthful” and ignored me for days. He threatened not to marry me but eventually said he’ll do it “only because I dont wanna disappoint my family” he apologized a few days later but it still hurts to think about.

so this sounds more like a pattern of his behavior and a manipulative thing. Funny your situation reflects mine so much. fact is I heard the threat of divorce and "I'm done with you" over and over again.

If that's the case, let it go for now... it will pass but.. I also would look for a therapist either for you or your marriage, although considering the picture I'm seeing of him he doesn't sound like the type to actually admit he's doing much wrong.

A compassionate husband would know that you are in therapy addressing the visceral reactions to your anxieties. Getting to the point of vomiting from heightened anxiety is rather serious. Not pathetic but serious. It's a physical manifestation of deep emotional pain. I remember my uncle throwing up for hours after my grandfather passed away. I've thrown up before over deep grief. It's actually a normal or not so normal but it's something that can and does happen to others.

Where's the concern and going to the doctor with you? His animosity towards you is concerning.

I do agree that there are men and even some (not as many) women like that and I'm sorry that you've found so many in your life.

It's fine, ty for clarifying and your apology. that's all I needed to say about it, and not here to derail anything.

Yeah, sounds familiar. He has threatened divorce several times. I just recently started therapy, but he said he doesn’t wanna stick around to see if i get better. No, he rarely ever admits when he’s wrong and I’ve brought up marriage counseling and he has no interest.

It sounds to me like he is putting you down. Pointing out what you're doing "wrong", not supporting you and also making you feel insecure about possible weight gain.

The loving response would be to joke with you about being forgetful, but in a very loving and affectionate way, and to remind you of how beautiful you are at any weight.

His threats are concerning. It seems to me he threatens you when he wants to gain control over YOU and your reactions.

I agree with the above that this is all very concerning. And again, this sounds like emotional abuse to me the more you tell us.

He says I started therapy too late, that I should have done it a long time ago and I wouldn’t have lost him. I don’t see how I can go back and time and fix the past, I can only work on myself now. He says that’s all fine and we’ll for me, but he doesn’t have to be here to see me go through it.

Yeah, it really sucks and I hate that anyone has to go through this kind of pain. He hasn’t ever really showed concern about it; only annoyance. The only slight sign of concern he has shown recently was when he said he was leaving last night, he made me promise not to hurt myself and said he would divorce me immediately if I did.

Well after like I said 15 yrs, it never changed for me. of course I know I've made too many mistakes over the years of allowing it to happen which only reinforced that the manipulation was working and therefore continued.

Obviously this is not easy for you due to your anxiety but the first thing that needs to happen is that you learn not to allow the manipulation to actually work on you. When he says "I'm done.. leaving.. etc" you need to be able to say. "Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way, let me know if you change your mind" showing him that you're strong and not letting this get the reaction he wants out of you. That's where you need to be if you're ever to make it clear that this threatening behavior is not ok.

Obviously you should both be in counseling but Idk if that will happen before he realizes that he's not going to get his way anymore or not.

I am concerned too, I don’t know how I let myself get in the situation and I keep wondering whether I deserve this or not. It’s so hard to think clearly cause all I hear from him is what a crazy person I am. I agree too that he could be much nicer about things, but he said it’s my job to make sure I don’t get offended by words. He doesn’t seem to think words matter.

Yeah, you are right that my anxiety makes that hard. I’m so afraid that if I say “Okay, go ahead and leave” that he actually will and he won’t look back.

I used to get forgetful when I was Walking on Eggshells in my home. Remembering the fan isn't a your or him thing to remember, it's a both thing to remember. And I'm floored about telling you you looked like you were putting on weight and wouldn't fit into your dress. Holy cow....

Do you have any close personal friends that you could connect with?

Are your job skills transferable?

Do you have someplace safe that you can go?

I would talk this matter over with your therapist. I am very experienced in abusive relationships and to me, this is abusive. Abusers always make their victim feel like they are in the wrong, that everything is their fault, and if only they would "behave" better, then they would be treated better. Abusers are never in the wrong, they never acknowledge or apologize for their hurtful words and behavior, and they turn it all around on YOU to make it seem like it's YOUR problem, not THEIRS.

This to me is classic abuse. Please do talk to your therapist about this possibility.

You may be in fact given a gift right now if he doesn't return. You may very well be being saved from additional pain. Please consider what I am saying. You definitely do not deserve this kind of treatment.

It is also very concerning to me that you get so sick after he is hurtful to you.

Yeah he says some terrible things. He always apologized later on, but I’m not sure he’s going to this time. I don’t really have any friends close to me and now I don’t even really have car if he decides to take off to his parents’ house with it. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t wanna give up on this marriage already and I have no where to go.

An unwillingness to tackle the marriage together is important to keep in mind.

No you don't deserve this.

Thank you very much for your words and your perspective. I plan on telling my therapist as soon as possible. I can’t imagine my life without him, I really don’t have anything else, so that’s the scary part.

Contact your local women's shelter and explain that you've been left stranded.

Yeah, I really thought he took our vows seriously and wouldn’t walk away for something like this. I’m glad you think i don’t deserve it, it makes me feel a little less alone.

I will when/if he does strand me. He says today that he’s dropping me off at work in our shared car. He hasn’t said anything else about leaving so far today, and I haven’t said anything to him either.

Or contact your local hospital if you're feeling low and continue have sui thoughts. From there with the intake process you can explain your isolation.

I understand that it's scary. The thing now is to problem-solve and figure out how you can live on your own without his help.

Like I've said above, I believe you will be better off without him. I know you feel you love him and cannot live without him, but these darker aspects are too harmful to you, and you will be far better off without the pain he inflicts upon you. Think of it from that perspective.

Doglover, this is very concerning, he is taking advantage of you because he knows you don't have anything else, he knows he can get away with treating you badly. He also knows you don't really call him out on his poor behaviors towards you too. Truth is, he sounds like a person who ALWAYS has to be right and that the only opinions and feelings that matter are HIS.

Another thought: love is NOT meant to be harmful OR hurtful. It is meant to uplift and enhance a person's life, not bring sickness, stress and emotional upset on a regular basis. Just think about it.

Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. He does realize I have nothing else and realizes he can say whatever he wants to me with no consequences. It hurts so bad cause I would never try to hurt him purposely.