Husband Walked Out

Thanks for the reminder. I thought what we had was love, but maybe I’ve been mistaken the whole time. I feel dumb.

Please don't feel stupid, though I understand. Anyone can fall for what feels like love.....

I've been victim to abuse several times. In the beginning they seem loving, and even portray sometimes loving behavior coupled with abusive behavior. It can happen to anyone.

The key is to know that you deserve better than what you've been dealing with. You don't deserve to be made to feel like this is all YOUR problem because you are sensitive and emotional. He has been cruel and mean and puts you down. That is not loving behavior. He is deflecting responsibility all onto you, which is exactly what abusers do.

What is your husband's relationship with his mother? Have you met his parents?

I’m so sorry you’ve been through it too. I wish no one had to deal with this.

Yes I’m trying to learn in therapy how to stick up for myself more and have more self-respect in general. It’s not an easy thing for me since I’m insecure, but I realize this relationship is only making it worse.

He is close with his mom, but she has always let him get away with talking to her however he wants and doing whatever he wants. I have met his parents, they are nice people.

I talked to his mom today (mostly cause I don’t really have anyone else to talk to) and she is appalled by how he’s acting. She says she thinks he’s just trying to scare me. It’s sure working.

Thank you.

When a relationship makes your issues worse, it's time to reevaluate the relationship and begin to look at it much more objectively and without your emotions involved.

For example, asking yourself questions like: is this how I want to be treated? Am I being treated with respect, kindness & loving behavior at all times, or am I being treated with disrespect, cruelty and unloving behavior?

When the answer is YES to the latter question, you know that you are in an abusive relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doglover6335 Yeah, sounds familiar. He has threatened divorce several times. I just recently started therapy, but he said he doesn’t wanna stick around to see if i get better. No, he rarely ever admits when he’s wrong and I’ve brought up marriage counseling and he has no interest.

This is huge. He has already said this. Why stay in a marriage that you have to - be on your best behavior
-control your emotions
-never cry
-always be wrong
-withstand threats of leaving
-contain your opinion
-never be allowed to feel anything
-conform to his ideas of what a good wife is...
I mean maybe its better if he moves in with his parents.

From what you have shared Doglover, you are an emotionally insecure person and your new husband is an emotionally unavailable person. If that movie you described showed a scenario where a man was sleeping with a woman that was not his wife and he was enjoying some kind of "involvement" with her even though he is married, and your husband doesn't see anything wrong with that, he is infact showing his emotional unavailablity.

I am willing to bet you are actually a very attractive female, petite and appealing, but you can't see that about yourself. I have noticed this most definitely can happen where a very attractive female genuinely doesn't "feel" adaquate and can be much more sensitive than she should be. Unfortunately, this is what makes her attract the WRONG kind of man which is typically a man that is "emotionally unavailable". That can make the woman begin to feel even worse about herself in that this kind of man NEVER allows her to develop "healthy" self esteem. The reason for this Doglover is a woman with healthy self esteem would NEVER put up with how he behaves. Truth is that if you had a good job and could easily provide for yourself, you would say to him, "Ok, you leave, don't let the door hit you in the back on your way out". Also, you would not put up with his comment about your dieting and fitting into your dress so you look nice.

I think you should sit down and write out a list of all the times he said things to you that hurt you. It will probably slowly put the pieces together that show him as an emotionally insensitive person which is CLEARLY unhealthy for you in that he will not contribute anything to your developing healthier self esteem. And that is what he just told you when he walked out that door and threatened you. He is saying, "I simply CANNOT be emotionally available to you". Perhaps you need to actually HEAR that.

It could be that his parents are nice people, however, they failed your husband in that they allowed him to get away with talking to them however he wanted to and doing whatever he wanted. They did not do him any favors in preparing him for the "adult world" or having a "healthy" relationship.

Infact, he just assumes that when things don't work out for him that he can run back home and his parents will just allow him to do so.

Hello Doglover. I added another post to your other thread.

How old is your husband?

New relationships are particularly challenging. Relationships are hard anyway but I think the in the beginning there can be a lot of insecurities and miscommunication. I agree with others who have suggested to give him some space and yourself as well. It sounds like you both are feeling a bit worn out from conflict. I hope it works out. It all works itself out one way or another. Hopefully he will be willing to communicate and I think marriage counseling could be a big help.

Hi Doglover. The more I read about his behavior, the more concerning he seems. You sound like a good person who deserve better. Can you consult a therapist on your own regarding his behavior (since he refuses to go to counseling together)? You can also do some research on what constitutes emotional abuse.

No you are right; this is not how I want to be treated. The more I think about it, the more I realize that even if this gets resolved, it will happen again. I won’t be able to hold in how I feel forever and when I’m not able to, it will start all over again.

Yeah these are all valid points. I am so afraid of being alone, but maybe I am better off.

This is really really helpful, thank you a lot. I think emotionally unavailable is the best way to describe him. He doesn’t seem fazed at all when I get upset and can go days no contact with no issues.

I am sort of petite, and you’re right; I don’t see myself as attractive but others have told me that. I am really really insecure so I’m sure that has a lot to do with why i let myself be treated this way. I truly don’t think I could do any better, and don’t even wanna try.

I don’t know what to do from here, I just know I don’t wanna sit around and wait for a husband that may not even come back to me.

This is very familiar territory. Unfortunately. He very much does sound abusive. Can you do some reading on the subject? I wouldn't do it in an obvious way -- they don't like you wising up to their behavior. I used to get books and keep them hidden in the trunk of my car (I realize that wouldn't work for you, but you get the idea). Maybe online reading? I'd erase history, unless computer monitoring is something you deal with (why did you erase, etc.). You will see exactly how they operate. (I recommend checking out Shahida Arabi's writings.)

Do not be ashamed. It CAN happen to anyone. It usually starts out SO good (love-bombing -- did he do that?), and you wait, hoping it will go back to those golden days, but they were an illusion. They were getting you emotionally hooked (which you are, I've SO been there), then the abuse begins. They ALWAYS make it about you, you are always at fault etc. You are NOT. YOUR reaction is extreme? I'd say his is! My exBF used to threaten to leave every time he wanted to control me. It was very effective till I wised up to it. When his "escape hatch" went away after a big falling out with his father, he stopped threatening that particular thing, but that doesn't mean things went all better.

Another thing I'd point to is your feeling ashamed. I did too. I felt so stupid and was worried others would think the same if I talked about what was REALLY going on. That was not the case. People were very supportive. They can often recognize abuse that we don't want to.

I wouldn't go into trying to be a "good wife". He will try to define that for you, and it will be very unhealthy.

My story went that I had a final straw. It was pretty outrageous. I broke it off and moved out. I am now doing things that fell by the wayside, and am happy for the first time in a very long time (we were together 9 years -- don't waste the kind of time I did -- I regret that deeply).

I wish you luck. I really do.

Yep, that is exactly what he assumes. He’s used to them always being there.

He’s 23 and so am I.

I’m hoping that space will help. I have not said anything into him or bothered him since this happened, but he has said it’s the last straw and that he’s not talking to me again so I’m not sure how I can make this right.

Yes I definitely plan on talking to my therapist about this.

Wow thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

All of this sounds really familiar. And you’re right; I do feel a lot of shame even though I know I shouldn’t. He should be the one that’s ashamed. He should be the one begging for my forgiveness. He should be the one trying to do anything to make things right. But instead it’s me. It’s always me.

I can’t bear the thought of being alone or wasting all this time. But I also can’t bear the thought of living like this for the rest of my life. And all this has happened a month into my marriage. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

THIS --- YES!!!!!!!!! This is exactly the perspective you need to adopt.

And this too --- YES. He won't change. Trust me. If he doesn't come crawling back asking for YOUR forgiveness -- as it should be -- things will continue exactly the same as they are, and you will be constantly afraid of "messing up" in his eyes, giving him yet another excuse to storm out and threaten leaving you, yet again.

Who can possibly live that way??? This much trouble one month into a marriage is certainly not a good sign.