[Doglover6335]

Someone please help me know what to do...This argument was so stupid and I may have just lost my husband forever because of it.

We were watching a TV show, and in the show a male character was sleeping in a hotel bed with a woman that was not his wife and I mentioned something like “wow, I hate that every male character has to cheat”. Well, my husband replied with “thats not cheating” and I kind of freaked out a bit and asked him how that’s not cheating (I have been cheated on in the past by a man that’s not him so I have a little bit of past trauma when it comes to cheating) and kept questioning him about it to the point where I was getting so frustrated I started crying. Well, that was a last resort for him I guess; he said “I can’t believe you would insinuate that I would cheat” and walked out the door, saying he can’t deal with me anymore.

I’m so upset i want to die. I don’t know if he’s leaving me forever, and if I’ve ruined everything over a stupid tv show. If someone has any advice for what I could say or do to fix this, it’d be much appreciated. Also I’m so sorry if none of this made sense; I’m going crazy right now. We’ve only been married for about a month.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you & your husband find yourselves in this difficult situation. Hopefully this is not as bad as it sounds. Couples often say things in the heat of argument they don't really mean. Your husband walking out was inappropriate. But it was also, I think, a very male way of handling a situation like this I'm afraid. Many men... perhaps most men... have a difficult time with emotions. If he hasn't already, I would suspect your hubby will come back once he's cooled off & had time to consider. If he hasn't come back yet, it may be because he's cooling his heels somewhere, so to speak, probably feeling just as terrible as you do & trying to figure out how to return home gracefully.

I'm certainly no expert with regard to communications within relationships. So I don't know if I have anything useful to offer in the way of advice. (Perhaps other members will have better advice to offer.) Under ideal circumstances one would like to imagine this is an excellent learning (& growing) opprtunity in the fine art of marital communications. And, hopefully, as time passes it can be. But right now viewing this as a learning opportunity is the least of your & your husband's concerns. There are lots of articles, in PC's archives, I could link you to that talk about the art of communications within relationships. And while they would certainly be useful for both you & your husband to read (perhaps together?) that's not for tonight.

My personal, non-professional thinking with regard to your immediate concern would be to simply wait until your husband comes home (if he has not already) & then let him take the lead in terms of how to proceed this evening. It would certainly be fine to say you're sorry, you love him, and perhaps tell him you're so glad he's home. But don't press him. Now's not the time to stand on principle. Yes he was wrong to walk out. And hopefully this is something the two of you can work on. But, tonight, what's important is for the two of you to calm down & get your relationship back on an even keel.

The one exception I would offer, with regard to this, is that if your hubby comes home & is still really steamed & threatening to leave for good, I think it makes sense to pull out all the stops, as the saying goes. Cry, tell him you love him & how much you don't want him to leave, etc., etc., etc. My wife & I have been married for 39 years. (Her accomplisment, not mine.) And I am embarrassed to say I have been where your husband is more than once. In these situations, my wife's version of "pull out all the stops" has prevented me from making serious mistakes. It should not be necessary, & it's not even right, that you should have to cry & plead for reconciliation. But right now, what's important is to do what needs to be done to calm the waters. Later on when tempers have cooled there will be time to sort through who did what & how things could have been handled differently. My best wishes to you both.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry you & your husband find yourselves in this difficult situation. Hopefully this is not as bad as it sounds. Couples often say things in the heat of argument they don't really mean. Your husband walking out was inappropriate. But it was also, I think, a very male way of handling a situation like this I'm afraid. Many men... perhaps most men... have a difficult time with emotions. If he hasn't already, I would suspect your hubby will come back once he's cooled off & had time to consider. If he hasn't come back yet, it may be because he's cooling his heels somewhere, so to speak, probably feeling just as terrible as you do & trying to figure out how to return home gracefully.

I'm certainly no expert with regard to communications within relationships. So I don't know if I have anything useful to offer in the way of advice. (Perhaps other members will have better advice to offer.) Under ideal circumstances one would like to imagine this is an excellent learning (& growing) opprtunity in the fine art of marital communications. And, hopefully, as time passes it can be. But right now viewing this as a learning opportunity is the least of your & your husband's concerns. There are lots of articles, in PC's archives, I could link you to that talk about the art of communications within relationships. And while they would certainly be useful for both you & your husband to read (perhaps together?) that's not for tonight.

My personal, non-professional thinking with regard to your immediate concern would be to simply wait until your husband comes home (if he has not already) & then let him take the lead in terms of how to proceed this evening. It would certainly be fine to say you're sorry, you love him, and perhaps tell him you're so glad he's home. But don't press him. Now's not the time to stand on principle. Yes he was wrong to walk out. And hopefully this is something the two of you can work on. But, tonight, what's important is for the two of you to calm down & get your relationship back on an even keel.

The one exception I would offer, with regard to this, is that if your hubby comes home & is still really steamed & threatening to leave for good, I think it makes sense to pull out all the stops, as the saying goes. Cry, tell him you love him & how much you don't want him to leave, etc., etc., etc. My wife & I have been married for 39 years. (Her accomplisment, not mine.) And I am embarrassed to say I have been where your husband is more than once. In these situations, my wife's version of "pull out all the stops" has prevented me from making serious mistakes. It should not be necessary, & it's not even right, that you should have to cry & plead for reconciliation. But right now, what's important is to do what needs to be done to calm the waters. Later on when tempers have cooled there will be time to sort through who did what & how things could have been handled differently. My best wishes to you both.

Thank you so very much for all of your great advice. My husband came back and said that he will stay until Monday which is his last work day this week, and then after that he’s leaving for good to go live with his parents. I am so heartbroken over this and I don’t know what to do to change his mind. Do you have any advice? We have only been married for about a month so i can’t take losing him already; he’s my everything and it hurts more than I can describe to have him be willing to walk away from me forever😢

[Mopey]

((((((:group hug: Doglover )))))) Sounds like there's a backstory to this - not sure how long your relationship has been going on but sounds as if you need to talk to a therapist fast because you're so upset.

If there's a long, supportive history there it shouldn't be that easy for your partner to just get up and walk away.

Encourage you to talk to a therapist soon.

Let us know what happens.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by Mopey

((((((:group hug: Doglover )))))) Sounds like there's a backstory to this - not sure how long your relationship has been going on but sounds as if you need to talk to a therapist fast because you're so upset.

If there's a long, supportive history there it shouldn't be that easy for your partner to just get up and walk away.

Encourage you to talk to a therapist soon.

Let us know what happens.

We have been together three years but only married for a month. The history is basically that he is done with me because he says I overreact and cry too much about things and he can’t handle it. I’m really trying to do better. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on it, but he doesn’t believe me. He says he’s reached the last straw and that he’s leaving me for good. Thank you for your kind words, I will let you know if anything happens. So far looks like I’m losing my husband

Oh Doglover, what a sad and stressful and perplexing time you are having! I am so sorry you are going through this difficult situation. Did your husband (or even prior to marriage) ever join you in therapy? Did he ever seek his own therapy?

You do sound very anxious but I'm assuming (though don't know) that your anxiety was present and significant prior to your marriage? Your husband was aware before he married you?

Have you spoken with your therapist about this recent turn of events? Is your husband willing to speak with your therapist...even without you present...to fill in the blanks so to speak?

What exactly is his plan? A separation to see what's happening or is he talking about actual divorce? I'm sorry if I missed a piece. I always like to clarify details on both sides.

What about trying something like this:

"I love you and respect your needs and wishes. You were honest about your need for separation from me and I want to respect that. Honesty isn't always easy in a relationship so I thank you for your candor. Before you go to your parents, I would really appreciate if you could help me understand your side of things. You mentioned my anxiety as a barrier in our relationship. I've been working on it and I take ownership of it. It is my responsibility to manage my anxiety. What do you think I could change or do differently in order for you to feel more comfortable and safe in our relationship? Is it okay to ask when things started to feel too intense for you? I ask not to challenge or argue but because I love and respect you and want to understand."

Here's a separate post to address your anxiety just from your side...
(I live with it too btw...it can range from mild to panic at times depending on life's stressors)

What have you tried? What works? What doesn't work for you?

Do you know what triggers or exacerbates your anxiety? When did you first become aware of feeling anxious...was it present in childhood or only adulthood?

Have you tried acupuncture from an experienced TCM doctor, PhD? (It really helps me to relax..if needles bother you acupressure could reallt help)

Have you tried guided meditation? You can go to Youtube...'guided meditation for panic' or 'guided meditation for relationship anxiety' (guided meditation really helps me regardless of the trigger)

Medication? Even something mild and temporary to break that anxiety loop...to take the edge off while you work through things with your husband?

Mindfulness? Are you familiar with grounding techniques?

Active self-care strategies?

I will send you a link to a thread here on PC where folks share strategies for ameliorating depression and anxiety without drugs. If drugs work for you, fair play. If not, maybe some other people's ideas will help you.

For now, breathe slowly and deeply. All feelings are temporary. Life is always now. We can only deal with one moment at a time. Take good care of yourself Doglover. Remember that you deserve peace, unconditional love, and joy

Managing depression and anxiety without drugs

[avlady]

I have been married 22 years now and have been through such things. people learn and live and there will always be some mountain to climb, but sometimes we need a bit of help in crossing over to a stronger relationship. hopefully you can stay together and just put aside each others feelings and come up with a mutual agreement

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Oh Doglover, what a sad and stressful and perplexing time you are having! I am so sorry you are going through this difficult situation. Did your husband (or even prior to marriage) ever join you in therapy? Did he ever seek his own therapy?

You do sound very anxious but I'm assuming (though don't know) that your anxiety was present and significant prior to your marriage? Your husband was aware before he married you?

Have you spoken with your therapist about this recent turn of events? Is your husband willing to speak with your therapist...even without you present...to fill in the blanks so to speak?

What exactly is his plan? A separation to see what's happening or is he talking about actual divorce? I'm sorry if I missed a piece. I always like to clarify details on both sides.

What about trying something like this:

"I love you and respect your needs and wishes. You were honest about your need for separation from me and I want to respect that. Honesty isn't always easy in a relationship so I thank you for your candor. Before you go to your parents, I would really appreciate if you could help me understand your side of things. You mentioned my anxiety as a barrier in our relationship. I've been working on it and I take ownership of it. It is my responsibility to manage my anxiety. What do you think I could change or do differently in order for you to feel more comfortable and safe in our relationship? Is it okay to ask when things started to feel too intense for you? I ask not to challenge or argue but because I love and respect you and want to understand."

Thank you so much for this, it really means a lot that you took time to send me all of this.

Yes, he knew before we got married that I have anxiety. I’ve had it since I was about 15, and I have my days but some are better than others.

I have tried asking him to come to therapy with me but he always puts it off. He hasn’t really said what the details of his plan are, but he keeps saying “maybe I’ll come back someday if you make progress, you never know.” And it’s a horrible feeling not knowing whether he’ll come back to me or not. And how will he know if i make progress if he’s not around me? It makes me feel like a hopless and worthless case that he’s already walking away from me after a month of marriage. I can’t deal with this.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Here's a separate post to address your anxiety just from your side...
(I live with it too btw...it can range from mild to panic at times depending on life's stressors)

What have you tried? What works? What doesn't work for you?

Do you know what triggers or exacerbates your anxiety? When did you first become aware of feeling anxious...was it present in childhood or only adulthood?

Have you tried acupuncture from an experienced TCM doctor, PhD? (It really helps me to relax..if needles bother you acupressure could reallt help)

Have you tried guided meditation? You can go to Youtube...'guided meditation for panic' or 'guided meditation for relationship anxiety' (guided meditation really helps me regardless of the trigger)

Medication? Even something mild and temporary to break that anxiety loop...to take the edge off while you work through things with your husband?

Mindfulness? Are you familiar with grounding techniques?

Active self-care strategies?

I will send you a link to a thread here on PC where folks share strategies for ameliorating depression and anxiety without drugs. If drugs work for you, fair play. If not, maybe some other people's ideas will help you.

For now, breathe slowly and deeply. All feelings are temporary. Life is always now. We can only deal with one moment at a time. Take good care of yourself Doglover. Remember that you deserve peace, unconditional love, and joy

Thanks for all of these ideas. I occasionally do meditation but I need to get better at it. Also, I’m seriously considering getting on medication now. I am just willing to do anything to be better so that my husband decides I’m good enough for him.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by avlady

I have been married 22 years now and have been through such things. people learn and live and there will always be some mountain to climb, but sometimes we need a bit of help in crossing over to a stronger relationship. hopefully you can stay together and just put aside each others feelings and come up with a mutual agreement

I hope that you’re right and he changes his mind. I can’t lose the love of my life already. Thanks for your words.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Doglover6335 I have already replied to your other thread. The only thing you can do is to talk to your husband about this and see how it goes from there. Tell him that you do want to make things better for you and for him. Hopefully he'll understand. Unfortunately whether he wants to listen to what you have to say or not is his decision. It doesn't depend on you. If he refuses to listen, or doesn't want to go to copule counseling, then I'm afraid there isn't much more that you could do to prove your love for him. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cop ewith your anxiety. Also if your husband will see that you have started therapy and that you have started working on yourself perhaps he will see your effort and decide to give you another chance. That's just my opinion though. The final decision is up to him. Most importantly, take some time to work on yourself. That's the most important thing you can do. If you start working on yourself, you will gain more self-confidence and hopefully you'll feel better. You can't fully take care of others if you don't take care of yourself first. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your husband. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[healingme4me]

Please check in with us soon. The thread in the Relationships forum has me hoping you'll give us a check in update.

[nicoleflynn]

I wonder why he would deliberately misunderstand what you said?! Guilt?

You need to be good enough for yourself....not for someone else.

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

Thanks for all of these ideas. I occasionally do meditation but I need to get better at it. Also, I’m seriously considering getting on medication now. I am just willing to do anything to be better so that my husband decides I’m good enough for him.

Hello Doglover. Here's another big, safe, warm for you. Please only consider medication in consultation with your MD and pharmacist if that is something that feels right for you as an individual. Making major decisions like that purely to convince yourself that you are "good enough" for your husband may not be the path to peace for you. I hope it did not sound like I was suggesting that you should take meds in order to appease your husband. I was just sharing any idea I could think of to help you manage your anxiety in order to find peace. There are also many herbal options out there which some people find, with daily use, helpful for their anxiety. You could consult with a Naturopath (doctorate in naturopathy) if you're interested in professional guidance about those options.

I am very concerned about the way your husband is dealing with this situation. I want to remind you that we are talking about a husband here...not a short-term boyfriend...not a date. I always look at both sides of any relationship problem. And you of course want to respect his wishes and needs. However, he appears to have made a very impulsive and rash decision here. I believe you mentioned a comment from him, something along the lines of "maybe we'll get back together if you get better some time, who knows." That comment, I need to be candid with you Doglover, did not lie right with me at all. What about your marriage vows? I don't know which ones you specifically shared on your wedding day but what about "in sickness and in health." Chronic anxiety is an illness of sorts. If you were struggling with arthritis or MS, would he take off to his parents and consider ending the marriage?

I think he can and should be much more mature and thoughtful about how he is interacting with his precious wife. He chose to commit his life to you. That is not something which should just be thrown out the window or dangled over your head ("maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't") as some sort of scare tactic or ultimatum.

At the very least, the man owes you a detailed and peaceful discussion about what's going on between the two of you. If he needs to stay at his parents in order to take a breath and calm down, then fair enough. Though personally I perceive that action as shockingly juvenile at this stage.

I would encourage you NOT to accept his dismissive and honestly unkind approach to you right now. The issue is NOT all on your side here. He's suggesting that it is and that's not realistic and not okay. There are TWO people in the marriage. TWO imperfect humans who BOTH have flaws and needs and wishes. So TWO people need to be responsible and compassionate and supportive. And I think you have a right to calmly remind him of his marriage vows.

May I ask how he was when you two discussed getting married? Did you bring it up or did he? How long were you together before marrying? How long was the engagement? Was planning shared between you two? Was it relatively smooth or bumpy? Was he happy about getting married or confused or apprehensive?

Please don't torture yourself about the argument you had about the TV show. Trust me, that is NOT what this situation is all about. There's something deeper going on here. And you both need to address that from an honest place of care and regard for each other.

I feel sad (and a bit angry) for you. Please DO NOT assume that you are not good enough for this man. Your worth is intrinsic Doglover. It has been present within you since the day you were born, anxiety or no anxiety. Your worth is NO less than your husband's. And your worth is NOT dependent on your husband's view of you or his actions toward you. I don't think I can address the complexity of those ideas adequately on this forum so please have a talk with your therapist about that.

You deserve peace, unconditional love, and joy. Please remember that Doglover.

[Mopey]

There's not much I can add to Hopefully's excellent response above, except that I completely agree with it. Your husband's actions and attitudes bother me in the extreme. Being in a situation where you MUST change just so that someone else MIGHT find you acceptable is putting yourself under crushing pressure to accomplish the impossible.

In my view, by the time 2 people commit themselves to each other in marriage they have taken the time and trouble necessary to get to know each other, warts and all. Things you like about people are fine, but the important part in a lasting relationship is, can you put up with and accept the things you don't like about the person. Can you live with them.

I can't stress strongly enough that to make a relationship work, BOTH people have to want it to work, and be willing to do a lot of loving communication to make it work.

I'm sorry, but it this case I have my doubts. I hope I'm wrong. You are a valuable and unique person and you deserve love and support, warts and all. Anxiety and all.

Mopey made a very important point:

"Things you like about people are fine, but the important part in a lasting relationship is, can you put up with and accept the things you don't like about the person. Can you live with them."

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Hello Doglover. Here's another big, safe, warm for you. Please only consider medication in consultation with your MD and pharmacist if that is something that feels right for you as an individual. Making major decisions like that purely to convince yourself that you are "good enough" for your husband may not be the path to peace for you. I hope it did not sound like I was suggesting that you should take meds in order to appease your husband. I was just sharing any idea I could think of to help you manage your anxiety in order to find peace. There are also many herbal options out there which some people find, with daily use, helpful for their anxiety. You could consult with a Naturopath (doctorate in naturopathy) if you're interested in professional guidance about those options.

I am very concerned about the way your husband is dealing with this situation. I want to remind you that we are talking about a husband here...not a short-term boyfriend...not a date. I always look at both sides of any relationship problem. And you of course want to respect his wishes and needs. However, he appears to have made a very impulsive and rash decision here. I believe you mentioned a comment from him, something along the lines of "maybe we'll get back together if you get better some time, who knows." That comment, I need to be candid with you Doglover, did not lie right with me at all. What about your marriage vows? I don't know which ones you specifically shared on your wedding day but what about "in sickness and in health." Chronic anxiety is an illness of sorts. If you were struggling with arthritis or MS, would he take off to his parents and consider ending the marriage?

I think he can and should be much more mature and thoughtful about how he is interacting with his precious wife. He chose to commit his life to you. That is not something which should just be thrown out the window or dangled over your head ("maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't") as some sort of scare tactic or ultimatum.

At the very least, the man owes you a detailed and peaceful discussion about what's going on between the two of you. If he needs to stay at his parents in order to take a breath and calm down, then fair enough. Though personally I perceive that action as shockingly juvenile at this stage.

I would encourage you NOT to accept his dismissive and honestly unkind approach to you right now. The issue is NOT all on your side here. He's suggesting that it is and that's not realistic and not okay. There are TWO people in the marriage. TWO imperfect humans who BOTH have flaws and needs and wishes. So TWO people need to be responsible and compassionate and supportive. And I think you have a right to calmly remind him of his marriage vows.

May I ask how he was when you two discussed getting married? Did you bring it up or did he? How long were you together before marrying? How long was the engagement? Was planning shared between you two? Was it relatively smooth or bumpy? Was he happy about getting married or confused or apprehensive?

Please don't torture yourself about the argument you had about the TV show. Trust me, that is NOT what this situation is all about. There's something deeper going on here. And you both need to address that from an honest place of care and regard for each other.

I feel sad (and a bit angry) for you. Please DO NOT assume that you are not good enough for this man. Your worth is intrinsic Doglover. It has been present within you since the day you were born, anxiety or no anxiety. Your worth is NO less than your husband's. And your worth is NOT dependent on your husband's view of you or his actions toward you. I don't think I can address the complexity of those ideas adequately on this forum so please have a talk with your therapist about that.

You deserve peace, unconditional love, and joy. Please remember that Doglover.

Thank you so much. This made me cry.

Yeah, I realize now how pathetic it sounds that I’m willing to do anything to get him to stay. I don’t feel like I should have to beg him to stay, and I feel that it’s going to set a dangerous precedent in our marriage of him thinking it’s okay to run off whenever he gets mad at me. I am not perfect and I have a plethora issues, but I never imagine they would be bad enough for my husband to walk away from me; a month after our wedding at that. This is excruciatingly painful.

The odd thing is that getting married was his idea first. We both wanted it, but he brought it up first and took all the steps to make it happen. With the planning, we both did it. He seemed happy and excited to marry me, until about 2 weeks before our marriage. We got into a huge blowout fight that started because he told me I looked like I was gaining weight and was I sure I would fit in my dress? And ended with him saying he was only going through with the marriage because his parents would be disappointed if he didn’t. Of course I then said I didn’t wanna marry someone that didn’t love me. And then a few days later he apologized and did everything he could to make it up to me. But it’s still in the back of my head.

Thank you for caring. I truly wish he did. He comes home at night now, lays down next to me and turns the other way, and will not say a single word to me or look at me or listen to anything I say. It is torture.

Originally Posted by Mopey

You are a valuable and unique person and you deserve love and support, warts and all. Anxiety and all.

That's right, Doglover! You are a precious human being who deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Your husband is not honoring his vow to love you "in sickness and in health," etc. You deserve someone who is equally-committed to you as you are to him.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by Mopey

There's not much I can add to Hopefully's excellent response above, except that I completely agree with it. Your husband's actions and attitudes bother me in the extreme. Being in a situation where you MUST change just so that someone else MIGHT find you acceptable is putting yourself under crushing pressure to accomplish the impossible.

In my view, by the time 2 people commit themselves to each other in marriage they have taken the time and trouble necessary to get to know each other, warts and all. Things you like about people are fine, but the important part in a lasting relationship is, can you put up with and accept the things you don't like about the person. Can you live with them.

I can't stress strongly enough that to make a relationship work, BOTH people have to want it to work, and be willing to do a lot of loving communication to make it work.

I'm sorry, but it this case I have my doubts. I hope I'm wrong. You are a valuable and unique person and you deserve love and support, warts and all. Anxiety and all.

This made me cry as well. Thank you for reminding me I have worth despite all of my flaws and serious issues. I feel that my husband can’t see the person that is under all of that anymore 😔

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by ennie

That's right, Doglover! You are a precious human being who deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Your husband is not honoring his vow to love you "in sickness and in health," etc. You deserve someone who is equally-committed to you as you are to him.

Thank you so much❤️ It breaks my heart that he didn’t mean any of those vows. They were just words to him.

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

Thank you so much❤️ It breaks my heart that he didn’t mean any of those vows. They were just words to him.

Doglover, sorry this is so tough and I am glad you are finding comfort from PC. Please try not to read your husband's mind or make assumptions about how he felt when he made vows to you etc.

You are certainly right to question his behavior. And it is not okay for him to run away or threaten divorce or say hurtful things (the comment about weight gain/wedding dress was not nice at all). It's just important not to make big leaps here in your thinking if you see what I mean. There are significant problems between the two of you which need to be addressed but issues generally aren't black-and-white or all-or-nothing. I believe that most human behaviors fall on a continuum. Most of us are doing our best and still make mistakes. We sometimes hurt our loved ones even when we don't mean to. We try to correct our mistakes. We try to be better. Most of us are not cruel or willfully deceptive.

I am not saying that the way your husband is behaving is okay (it's not) but there's probably more to his story, right? Like most people. There were reasons you partnered with him and chose to marry him. Do you still see those traits in him...the aspects of him that you grew to love?

Trying to psychoanalyze one's spouse or endeavoring to read their thoughts/feelings is probably not the path to peace. Nobody can read your thoughts, right? Leave the psychoanalysis to the therapist provided your hub is willing to participate at some point. If not, share all of your observations and concerns with your own therapist and see what comes of it. Slowly and with time and patience. You and your husband don't need to make any big decisions any time soon...he was suggesting that but in reality you both have time here, right? Problems are coming to the surface...now is the time to gradually work through them to see where you both land.

You mentioned that you "must sound pathetic." I assure you that you do NOT sound pathetic at all. You sound like an intelligent and loving wife who fears losing her husband. Perfectly understandable. I am not judging you Doglover. I am coming from a place of care and regard. You have my support. As I said, I always try to look at both sides in a relationship...the reality is usually more grey and complicated than we may at first assume.

Take a step back. Breathe slowly and deeply. There is time. I wish you peace as you navigate through this issue with your hub.

[aimlesshiker]

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

Thanks for all of these ideas. I occasionally do meditation but I need to get better at it. Also, I’m seriously considering getting on medication now. I am just willing to do anything to be better so that my husband decides I’m good enough for him.

Don't take medication for him. Take it for you. And before you do, DO YOUR RESEARCH. I have considered it in the past because I have awful anxiety, too, but I haven't tried it, yet. I want to form habits, hobbies, and relationships that reduce my anxiety instead of relying on pills. I'm sure they help, but that's just my 2 cents.

Also, it seems like a red flag to me that he would get up and leave after one argument. I know it sounds like he's struggling dealing with your anxiety in the past, but if you've been together for 3+ years he should already be aware.

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise? You can take the time you have apart to find what makes you a strong individual. It sounds like there's lost of past trauma and self-esteem issues. I hope you can take the time for self-care and do the things YOU want to do. You wanting to take medication so that you'll act "normal" around your husband isn't a good reason to do it. You should want to take care of yourself FOR yourself, because you're worth it!

I'm the same way, too. i'm ALWAYS worried if my actions will affect others, or if they're approve of me or whatever. It's not healthy, and we have to learn how to think for ourselves.

[healingme4me]

I agree about researching option regarding medications. They aren't a quick panacea.

This brought to mind as well some of the crud I had dealt with in my marriage to the point of asking my psychiatrist at the time, "Am I bipolar?" because hey that's what my ex was telling everyone. Oh she's moody, she's emotional, blah blah.....Was I depressed? Yes! Was I dealing with anxiety? Yes! But no, not what he was saying I was. That was HIS Projection. Guess who is? Guess who has a personality disorder??

I took meds for a small point in time in my life. They helped me reset my balance, so to speak. I was losing my mom and my marriage and living with three kids under 6/7yrs old. My PDoc(prescribing dr) and my T both agreed that the combination of both was valuable. But meds without therapy aren't as helpful whatsoever. He had me on an AD that also attended to my anxiety. Then I had an as needed anxiety during a point in time where there was a health scare.
First go to, in my opinion should be coping skills and cognitive behavior therapy which many therapists do utilise.