[Bummy]

Hi, I'm new here. I could really use some help though. This is a long story but I will try and make it as short as I can. Please bear with me.

My husband had inlisted into the Army shortly after 9/11. He felt it was his American duty to fight for our country. I had never been prouder of him. He left me and our daughter and headed off to boot camp. Things were great. We cherished the time we had on the phone and the letters we received. My daughter and I went down to graduation. He was so happy to see us and talked a mile a minute about the plans he had for our future and wanted to know what I thought. Again I couldn't have been prouder. Then it was off to combat training. Within two weeks he was injured. After 5 months of waiting and wondering... they told him the bad news. He was to be medically discharged. 2 months later he came home. We didn't have a place to live and he had no job. I was a stay at home mom. We finally found a place we could aford, problem was jobs were slim picking. He hated his job where we were so we up and moved. I thought he would be happier where we are now. Closer to family and friends. He is not the same man I married and hasn't been since he got back from training. I don't know what to do. I thought as soon as we got moved back near our family and friends he would be back to normal so to speak. It hasn't happened. I try to talk to him about it. I know he is unhappy. He has told me as much but he doesn't know why. He doesn't seem interested in me or our daughter. If some one has any helpful ideas I would love to read them. I'm afraid that if this doesn't get taken care of soon it may end for good.

[galadriel]

Hi Bummy

Oh dear I you do have quite a problem. I think the trouble is that and injury serious enough to kick him out of the army will have made him very unhappy. BUt not only was he injured but he had a taste of this noble desire, to fight for his country, but then in no time that was snatched away from him, whic wont helpo either. Any job may feel very poor to him after training for hte army.

But what to do, hmmm, time may help I mean in someways he maybe grieving for the career and life he lost or he maybe still trying ot get over being injured. Talking can help but only if he wants to talk.

Can you find the man you married? Maybe in time but things will have changed him, experiences do. Being in the army would have changed him a bit but the bad experience of being injured and discharge will have made a big change.

He may also feel he has failed you, his daughter and his country in being discharged and so that could make him distant from you. It could be the same with family and friends. I really do not know. He probably does not know why he is so unhappy, it can be very hard to work that out and that can only come in time.

But in someways he had a dream, to serve his country, and that dream was shattered. And well that does make people unhappy.

I dont think there is a magic fix here. Time can make things clear at times but it could be a while before he seems like the man you married. I just wish I knew what to suggest.

(((((((((((((((((bummy))))))))))))))))))))

[Myzen]

Hi Bummy,

Sounds like you are having a hard time. I'm trying to think about the situation from your guy's point of view.

I think that he has been hit down really badly and his pride is absolutely squashed. He is going to have to find himself again somehow, and he needs to do it on his own; my feeling is that it's no good helping him unless you can do it in a subtle way, but that's tricky.

I had something like your situation when I was ill and had to leave my teaching job. It took a long time and then I came back fighting. Now I'm a performance poet, and a good one.

My feeling is that your guy has to find his way back somehow and you have to believe he can do that. All you can say to him is - "do it your own way, whatever you come up with, I'll support you." That's how my wife was with me, and eventually I came up with the goods.

I hope you can weather this, as a family, and wish you well.

Good luck, Myzen,

[Bummy]

All of you are the best. Thank you so much for all the good advise. Why this concerns me so much is I don't want are unhappiness affecting our 4 year old. I'm afraid that she can tell that all's not right on the home front, but doesn't know why. I'm trying very hard to be patient with my husband. I know it had to be a hard blow on his pride and his self estem. It took me by surprise as well but not in any means that it did him. I like the therapy for me idea. That maybe a way to go about it. I have also thought of calling his old recruiter and seeing if he has any helpful ideas. What do you all think of that?

[shaddix]

that is the problem with putting your self-worth and self-esteem in material things and people. posessions and people can be destroyed. Thus destroying what you call your identity. My self-worth comes from a higher spiritual being in knowing that there is no better or worse in human, we are all equal in God's eyes. Others put their self-worth in strong principles and values, they too can not be destroyed.

However we are trained from birth in a dysfunctional society that your material achievements and posessions are what determines your self worth. Are you better than the next guy is all it is asking. It's sad, you have my sympathy dear wife.

As for your 4 year old, being that age and not having a healthy male role-model is devastating to the childs view of what the male human is. Yes she can tell that something is wrong, and no she doesn't know why, so she blames herself. Children at that age feel that everything wrong that happens in their world is their fault. They don't understand that daddy has problems of his own. What is seen are gods that define right and wrong. As long as your husbands condition doesn't stay that way for the next couple of years though then it your daughter will be fine.

In whatever you decide to do, remember to keep yourself healthy first, before your husband and your child. Don't give your child a model of woman that might cause her to sacrifice herself for a relationship when she's 16 years old. Everything you do is shaping her core view of self at that age. Show her your loving relationship between you and your husband, and show her how to heal the unhappiness.

Hope some of this helps,
Shaddix~

[Wants2Fly]

About calling the recruiter -- Is this the most appropriate person to call? I am not familiar with the hierarchy of the military. Would it potentially embarrass your hub, who is already dealing with self-esteem issues.

Does the military have counseling services? They probably would be familiar with dealing with these kind of experiences. The counseling services will have an obligation to treat your inquiry with confidentiality. Even if neither of you are eligible to use the counseling services bec. of the discharge, you can probably get some phone advice about what to do.

[Bummy]

Wants2Fly, thank you for the imput. That is the reason I haven't called the recruiter. I don't want to add more saddness to my husband. I wish I knew who to call though.
Shaddix, you really struck a cord with me. In a good way that is. I have since the day our daughter was born worried about the way she views life and relationships. I most deffinatly don't want her to have a life like mine. I want her to grow to be a strong loving and yet independent woman.
Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. Please continue to add advise. I would really like to hear it.

[kimmydawn]

Bummy, Hi and Welcome!

I'm sorry for what your family is going thru. It would seem that your hubby has suffered a deep loss to him and a crush to his career and possibly even his self-esteem. Many men and women don't adjust well to the military, do their 3-5 and get out. I'm the daughter of a 23 yr career marine. He was hooked his first tour. It sounds like your hubby was as well. Being that, he put all of his future hopes and dreams into his new life and thoughts for his family and his career...then BOOM. That's a very difficult blow and I'm sure he's greiving and very unsure of himself. Knowing that doesn't make it easier on you or your daughter, though. I fear that the longer he stays feeling this way, the harder it's going to be for him. I wish you all well there.

As far as calling the recruiter, I'm not sure that he could be much help to you. Although, recruiters do know alot of the options out there. One thing you might think about...calling the local Veteran's Administration. They might be able to tell you EXACTLY what options your husband and even you have for getting him and yourself some help. You may have to try a few different departments, but they're usually pretty knowledgeable and may recommend something for the two of you.

It seems as though your husband has gone into a depression and is greiving. He may come out of this on his own when he's finished greving...He may not. Was your husband prone to depression before this? The answer might be a clue to you as to if this may or may not be lasting.

If I find out about any other resourses, I'll let you know. Again, I wish you well. And, discharge or no, I'm so proud and want to thank you and your husband for the sacrifices you did make and the more that you were willing to make.

Be safe,

Kimmydawn

[Bummy]

Kimmydawn, thank you very much. Your post was comforting and helpful all in one.
My husband was always a loner and had a low self esteem. He was never depressed though.

[kimmydawn]

You're very welcome

You know, the one thing I can be proud of and love my father for was the fact that he was a GREAT marine. Being raised on military bases and in military schools, I have a great pride and appreciation for our military people, but also for their families. Not many people think of the sacrifices these families have to make! Being uprooted every 2-3 years (half way across the country too boot), never being near extended family, daddy's and mommy's being gone a year at a time are all hard to deal with. Your husband was willing to make his sacrifices, but as a military wife so were you! When someone goes into the military I feel their spouse is just as much personnel as they are, and should be recognized for that.

Have you mentioned to hubby going to school and studying something that would put him on a base still working (in a round about way) for his country? I know my soon to be son-in-law is going for his master's in engineering and the local base is doing everything they can to get him to work there.

Your hubby needs to know that there are ways that he can serve his country without being enlisted. He needs to focus his passion and go for it! I don't know y'all but I'm so proud of all of you. He's been dealt a really hard blow and any member of service would say "take that blow, learn from it and move forward." Print this out and have your hubby read it. He's a fine, admirable man who can use his intellect and talent in more ways than one to help his country. This country needs ALOT of help

Be safe and many good wishes to you,

Kimmydawn