[Doglover6335]

Someone please help me know what to do...This argument was so stupid and I may have just lost my husband forever because of it.

We were watching a TV show, and in the show a male character was sleeping in a hotel bed with a woman that was not his wife and I mentioned something like “wow, I hate that every male character has to cheat”. Well, my husband replied with “thats not cheating” and I kind of freaked out a bit and asked him how that’s not cheating (I have been cheated on in the past by a man that’s not him so I have a little bit of past trauma when it comes to cheating) and kept questioning him about it to the point where I was getting so frustrated I started crying. Well, that was a last resort for him I guess; he said “I can’t believe you would insinuate that I would cheat” and walked out the door, saying he can’t deal with me anymore.

I’m so upset i want to die. I don’t know if he’s leaving me forever, and if I’ve ruined everything over a stupid tv show. If someone has any advice for what I could say or do to fix this, it’d be much appreciated. Also I’m so sorry if none of this made sense; I’m going crazy right now.

[sarahsweets]

If that kind of a thing makes him leave you then I would be more concerned that it took something that minor to push him over the edge. Are there other factors involved?

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

If that kind of a thing makes him leave you then I would be more concerned that it took something that minor to push him over the edge. Are there other factors involved?

I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and cry a lot, and he says he can’t stand it anymore and that it’s basically abuse what I’m doing to him. I never ever saw it that way, I’m just a really sensitive person and I’m really trying to do better

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Doglover6335 From what you wrote, it seems like he was definitely upset, although I wouldn't say he's decided to leave you right away. "I can't deal with you anymore" is something a lot of people say, but it's not always meant to be taken literally. So perhaps there's still hope for you and your husband. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Just apologize to him, explain why you've acted the way you did, tell him about the trauma you've had, if you haven't already, and just tell him that that's the reason you've got upset in the first place, and that you have nothing personal against him and that you still love him very much. Just be honest about this. Hopefully he'll understand. That's the best thing to do, I believe. It would be terrible to ruin a marriage for an argument like this. Are there any other problems that you feel like you need to work with you husband? I believe this was just "the last straw" for him, and I feel like there are bigger issues that you both need to work on. Have you tried couple counseling? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your emotions. Hopefully it will be helpful to you and your husband. It seems like you both really need it. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your husband. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Doglover6335 From what you wrote, it seems like he was definitely upset, although I wouldn't say he's decided to leave you right away. "I can't deal with you anymore" is something a lot of people say, but it's not always meant to be taken literally. So perhaps there's still hope for you and your husband. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Just apologize to him, explain why you've acted the way you did, tell him about the trauma you've had, if you haven't already, and just tell him that that's the reason you've got upset in the first place, and that you have nothing personal against him and that you still love him very much. Just be honest about this. Hopefully he'll understand. That's the best thing to do, I believe. It would be terrible to ruin a marriage for an argument like this. Are there any other problems that you feel like you need to work with you husband? I believe this was just "the last straw" for him, and I feel like there are bigger issues that you both need to work on. Have you tried couple counseling? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your emotions. Hopefully it will be helpful to you and your husband. It seems like you both really need it. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your husband. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

What scared me the most is that I texted him after he walked out and said basically that I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse him of anything and that this is just linked to past trauma. He replied and said “I’m done with you and not giving you any more second chances” . He is saying that i have too many problems to deal with and lately it’s been a huge issue for him/us. We had another problem the other day where I started crying about something and I guess this is just the last straw for him. I told him I’m in therapy and trying to do better but he doesn’t care. Do you have any advice on how i could make him see I’m trying to do better?? I really really appreciate the support❤️

[healingme4me]

I'd be a bit put off if I heard stated that's not cheating about a man in a hotel room with a woman not his wife on tv/a movie. Watching movies/tv together can be a means to spark discussion.
Regardless of whether it's self incriminating or not it would be disappointing(perhaps heartbreaking?) to discover not being on the same moral page. Of course you asked him to explain himself.
Of course it brought out past pains and disappointments.
I'm sorry that he without warning took off.
I don't feel that you are wrong here.
Do you have a marriage counselor?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'd be a bit put off if I heard stated that's not cheating about a man in a hotel room with a woman not his wife on tv/a movie.

Me too. This sounds concerning.

Unfortunately, this was not over a movie. This was over differences in opinion on cheating. If his viewpoint is that being with another woman in bed is not cheating, then what would stop him from doing so himself?

I completely understand your upset....

You two have some things to discuss for certain -- what you define as "cheating" and would he ever go down that path.

It's surprising it's the first time it's come up though?

And I'm terribly sorry that it got so bad he walked out. I hope he comes to his senses and returns. ((((hugs)))))

What was his justification that what you two saw on the show was not cheating?

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'd be a bit put off if I heard stated that's not cheating about a man in a hotel room with a woman not his wife on tv/a movie. Watching movies/tv together can be a means to spark discussion.
Regardless of whether it's self incriminating or not it would be disappointing(perhaps heartbreaking?) to discover not being on the same moral page. Of course you asked him to explain himself.
Of course it brought out past pains and disappointments.
I'm sorry that he without warning took off.
I don't feel that you are wrong here.
Do you have a marriage counselor?

I’m really glad it’s just not me being crazy. It was heartbreaking for me, because as I said, I have been cheated on in the past and I’m terrified of it happening again. We do not have a marriage counselor but we really need one. We have only been married a month and it has already come to this. I realize i shouldn’t have freaked out so much, (and possibly insinuated that he would cheat? But that wasn’t what I meant at all) and I just wanna know how to make him come home😢

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Unfortunately, this was not over a movie. This was over differences in opinion on cheating. If his viewpoint is that being with another woman in bed is not cheating, then what would stop him from doing so himself?

I completely understand your upset....

You two have some things to discuss for certain -- what you define as "cheating" and would he ever go down that path.

It's surprising it's the first time it's come up though?

And I'm terribly sorry that it got so bad he walked out. I hope he comes to his senses and returns. ((((hugs)))))

Yeah, he claims if you’re not attracted to that person (which the man in the show was) and you don’t have any feelings for that person (even if the other person has feelings for you) that it’s not cheating. He thinks that by me getting upset and asking “well then would you think that would be appropriate for you to do in our marriage?” That I was insinuating he would cheat on me. I really just want him to come back so that I can try to calmly discuss this with him but he said he is done with me 😢

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by Cold Soul

What was his justification that what you two saw on the show was not cheating?

He says that if you’re not attracted to someone that it’s not cheating to sleep in the same bed as them. Even though the man in the show was attracted to this woman. He says it’s no different than sleeping in a bed with a friend of the same sex.

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

Yeah, he claims if you’re not attracted to that person (which the man in the show was) and you don’t have any feelings for that person (even if the other person has feelings for you) that it’s not cheating. He thinks that by me getting upset and asking “well then would you think that would be appropriate for you to do in our marriage?” That I was insinuating he would cheat on me. I really just want him to come back so that I can try to calmly discuss this with him but he said he is done with me 😢

What he said makes no sense... the two ppl in the movie were in bed together. So he thinks it's OK to be in bed with another woman IF he's not attracted to her and doesn't have feelings for her? It's still not Ok, in my opinion. Why go there? And trust me, the man is always attracted to sex, even if she's not attractive.

Yes, you need to get to the bottom of this with him, and if he returns.

Why do you think he cannot deal with you anymore? What else has happened? Do you fight a lot?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

I’m really glad it’s just not me being crazy. It was heartbreaking for me, because as I said, I have been cheated on in the past and I’m terrified of it happening again. We do not have a marriage counselor but we really need one. We have only been married a month and it has already come to this. I realize i shouldn’t have freaked out so much, (and possibly insinuated that he would cheat? But that wasn’t what I meant at all) and I just wanna know how to make him come home

I don't think making yourself a floormat would be the way. What I mean is, don't grovel, beg nor plead. Give him space to think. And give yourself space to think. I read in your op that you are working on yourself in therapy?
I would work on calm and saying that you cannot accept his running out on you when the topics get heated. That it's not conducive to a lifetime of marriage. I really don't think this is completely about you as he claims it is. He sounds young and not adept to addressing the challenges before him. You're not the challenge, his inability to not realize that how he says things matters and is the challenge. It was callous. You don't say that to your wife nor husband plain and simple. Then instead of articulating his viewpoint like an adult he storms off and points blame at you.

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and cry a lot, and he says he can’t stand it anymore and that it’s basically abuse what I’m doing to him. I never ever saw it that way, I’m just a really sensitive person and I’m really trying to do better

Walking out in the middle of an argument is a form of abuse too. So, as is so often the case in these types of situations, there's plenty of blame to go around. Hopefully this is a temporary flare-up... the kind of thing every married couple goes through from time-to-time.

You mentioned the two of you have only been married a month. It takes time for newlyweds to get to know each other & to figure out how to be a couple. And it takes an ocean liner's worth of compassion & forgiveness to keep a marriage going over the years. The two of you are just getting started. Hopefully your hubby will calm down & see that you each have things to work on.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Walking out in the middle of an argument is a form of abuse too. So, as is so often the case in these types of situations, there's plenty of blame to go around. Hopefully this is a temporary flare-up... the kind of thing every married couple goes through from time-to-time.

You mentioned the two of you have only been married a month. It takes time for newlyweds to get to know each other & to figure out how to be a couple. And it takes an ocean liner's worth of compassion & forgiveness to keep a marriage going over the years. The two of you are just getting started. Hopefully your hubby will calm down & see that you each have things to work on.

Yeah I thought the blame was pretty equal too but he says I am the biggest problem. I really appreciate your words and hope that it’s true. He told me a few hours ago that he is done with me forever and that I’ve ruined any chances of keeping him around. I’m heartbroken.

I am so very sorry to read this Doglover. I posted some ideas on your other thread. I wish you peace

[sarahsweets]

I am honestly shocked that your husband would storm out and tell you his is done over a tv show and that you and he disagree with what laying in bed with a member of the opposite sex means.. I mean dont you think there has to be more going on? I would put this on the "minor disagreements" list if even that. I just do not understand it, the reaction doesnt fit the situation.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

What he said makes no sense... the two ppl in the movie were in bed together. So he thinks it's OK to be in bed with another woman IF he's not attracted to her and doesn't have feelings for her? It's still not Ok, in my opinion. Why go there? And trust me, the man is always attracted to sex, even if she's not attractive.

Yes, you need to get to the bottom of this with him, and if he returns.

Why do you think he cannot deal with you anymore? What else has happened? Do you fight a lot?

I don’t understand it either, but apparently he has different standards than me about these kinds of things. I never knew that so I obviously freaked out a bit and started crying cause it’s a big thing to disagree on.

We fight quite a bit. It usually starts with him saying something that hurts my feelings, and ends with me getting upset and crying which he says is a major overreaction that he can’t deal with anymore. He told me last night he’s going to live with his parents because I’ve driven him away. I’m so lost. I’m in therapy and he knows this, I’m really trying to be better but he says he can’t wait around to see me get better.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I don't think making yourself a floormat would be the way. What I mean is, don't grovel, beg nor plead. Give him space to think. And give yourself space to think. I read in your op that you are working on yourself in therapy?
I would work on calm and saying that you cannot accept his running out on you when the topics get heated. That it's not conducive to a lifetime of marriage. I really don't think this is completely about you as he claims it is. He sounds young and not adept to addressing the challenges before him. You're not the challenge, his inability to not realize that how he says things matters and is the challenge. It was callous. You don't say that to your wife nor husband plain and simple. Then instead of articulating his viewpoint like an adult he storms off and points blame at you.

Thank you, I was hoping i wasn’t crazy for thinking that is the wrong way to deal with the situation. He sees no problem with walking out and says it’s the only way to deal with me. I am working on myself in therapy and he knows this, but he said he will not stick around to wait for me to get better. He has left to live with his parents and has left me completely alone. I’m so scared and heartbroken.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I am honestly shocked that your husband would storm out and tell you his is done over a tv show and that you and he disagree with what laying in bed with a member of the opposite sex means.. I mean dont you think there has to be more going on? I would put this on the "minor disagreements" list if even that. I just do not understand it, the reaction doesnt fit the situation.

I think it’s because we’ve been fighting a lot. He says things that hurt my feelings and I freak out and cry and he says he can’t deal with my overreactions anymore. I know I’m a sensitive person, but I am in therapy trying to learn better ways to cope. He said he will not be sticking around to see me get better.

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by KevinN88

What you said during watching TV show was not wrong, i mean your intention was not to hurt your hubby feelings but according to me you were just expressing your feelings and i think everyone has right to speak if he/she feels. But i think your hubby took it very personally, Try to talk to him polity and softly and explain him your mental status during that time.

Thank you, it’s nice to hear a male perspective on the situation. I think he is mainly mad at me because I get upset and cry a lot and he says he cannot deal with it anymore. Do you have any ideas on how I could prove to him that I’m trying to do better?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Doglover6335

Thank you, I was hoping i wasn’t crazy for thinking that is the wrong way to deal with the situation. He sees no problem with walking out and says it’s the only way to deal with me. I am working on myself in therapy and he knows this, but he said he will not stick around to wait for me to get better. He has left to live with his parents and has left me completely alone. I’m so scared and heartbroken.

One month into your marriage, no less. It does sound heartbreaking.
Are you able to support yourself solo in your marital home? Seems a bit brash on his part while you are all supposed to be in the honeymoon phase
What makes him so goshdarn special that you'd even want him back?
The walking out seems like it's a means to groom you to being subservient to him as opposed to being an equal partner. With him purposefully goading you into an emotional reaction by saying mean things knowingly hurting your feelings.
How long were you together before he proposed to you and asked to spend the rest of his life with you?

[Doglover6335]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

One month into your marriage, no less. It does sound heartbreaking.
Are you able to support yourself solo in your marital home? Seems a bit brash on his part while you are all supposed to be in the honeymoon phase
What makes him so goshdarn special that you'd even want him back?
The walking out seems like it's a means to groom you to being subservient to him as opposed to being an equal partner. With him purposefully goading you into an emotional reaction by saying mean things knowingly hurting your feelings.
How long were you together before he proposed to you and asked to spend the rest of his life with you?

No, I’m not able to support myself. I only have a part-time job and we share a car. I thought it was an extreme reaction too and it really seems like it’s to punish me. We have been together for three years, he proposed in September of last year.

So, he said he is staying at our house until Monday which is his last work day of the week, and that if I can prove to him that I can do better and not be so overly emotional, that maybe he will stay. Otherwise he is moving in with his parents for good and finding a new job there. I don’t know how to prove anything to him. I’m just kind of going about my business and not saying anything to him cause I don’t know what to say. Any advice on how I can make him see I’m really trying to be a good wife?

[Doglover6335]

So, he said he is staying at our house until Monday which is his last work day of the week, and that if I can prove to him that I can do better and not be so overly emotional, that maybe he will stay. Otherwise he is moving in with his parents for good and finding a new job there. I don’t know how to prove anything to him. I’m just kind of going about my business and not saying anything to him cause I don’t know what to say. Any advice on how I can make him see I’m really trying to be a good wife?