Urgent Advice Needed on a friend

I am not even sure where to start, because I am actually blank and I feel like I am severely depressed and I dont want state of mind to be turned into a real psychological issue! Sometimes I feel like it already is.

My background is, I studied in the States and started my first company when I was 19, sold it a few years back and made a moderate amount of money. It is not much, but better than most. I am on my second company right now and this is the second year of the company. I consider myself an "OK" intellectual individual and I am married to a doctor, a GP.

I met my current co-founder in an Asian country and interestingly she is a girl and she is also not straight, meaning she is a lesbian. she is not as techy as I am, but I see her as an intelectual individual. When she works, she works very hard as well. I have known her over 3 years now and I studied all her atributes before I asked her to co-found the company with me. I studies how she reacts to certain stressful situations, how she takes care of me, when I am in need, how she talks about me, her family background, each and everything I could think about, because from the previous experience, co-founders go through things together more than married couples. I want to work on the next 10M$ exit over the next few years and I want that to be with the right person. My wife on the other hand, she's like a child, though she's a doctor and I cannot count her on anything, though I love her so much and I started dating her when I was 16 and we've been together for a long time and married for 7+ years. No kids.

We just finalized the accounts for last year and being the first year, it really looks great! Myself and my co-founder friend are really excited about what it will be this year. All that is good, but he's the problem.

Lately, I have gotten very attached to her and sometimes I cannot even go for more than a day without talking to her or seeing her. I usually consider myself to be a caring person. The people who are close to me, I worry about them so much. I tend to go to weird extents for people that I care about, honestly, until they get pissed off. I am not a control freek, but I like to know what's happening with ones' lives that I care about. That makes me feel safe.

A little more background about my relationship with my co-founder. We have had one sexual encounter. We have seen each other naked so many times, but we have never felt like we had the need to have sex. We would go to Onsens together, we would stay in the same room when we travel, we would sleep on the same bed, but we never had sex. I felt so relieved about my body, my thoughts and I could open up to her like I have never before infront of anyone else before. She would always calm me down if I am pissed off, she would always actually used to provide very good feedback, no matter what the problem was. She's very energetic and always wanted to try out new things and I was all down with it. I really enjoyed doing things together with her, sometimes more than doing together things with my wife. I still love my wife so much and I never felt like I am cheating on her. But my friendship with my cofounder is at another level. We do everything together, but we do not have sex and neither of us have an intention of doing so either. When we had the first sexual encounter, afterwards, she said, she was just testing herself with a guy for the first time. Anyway, after a while, I have gotten so attached to her and I feel like I cannot even consider a future without her. Once we are getting older, we start thinking about people you depend on and without even telling her, I wrote a WILL (not that I have any issues that I know of) and assigned her as one of the beneficiaries, a very considerable amount. She probably does not have to work, ever, in her life, if I die right now. I registered it in my native country and I was planning on telling her it this year, before whole bunch of issues started.

This is where the real problems started. She is into photography. She loves it and finally she bought a camera last year. The one she wanted. Then somewhere late last year, she met an Indian guy (retired army guy) on Facebook and she had arranged a Safari tour for 2 weeks in India. To make it short, I did not like his story of how he is planning with her and I decided to tag along. She never wants to say or see that she depends on others, but I could not take it anymore and I talked to her sister without her knowledge and told her that I would love to go on a Safari photography tour and I tagged along. I just did not want her to go there by herself, specially in India with a guy she has no idea of. They had only met once for a few hours and I still think she was very irresponsible that she decided to go there. Her sister too was freaking out and she was so happy that I was planning on going as well. I did some background checking on this guy through a military friend of mine and it did not come out good.

Finally we went on the Safari and each and every thing he had planned (He is 64 by the way, but looks very young), I still believe that he just wanted to take this girl around, thinking that he would get a chance to either sleep with her or have some interaction. My friend still does not believe that and we have arguments on this every time. I am so pissed off at that guy and just because I was there, he behaved very well. When I trail back all the conversations he was having on the group chat, he tried to discourage me from coming in the begining, then after I got the tickets, he tried to make it look like he had been all genuine all through out. This incident shocked me and affected me mentally at a whole another level that I didn't even think of.

Although I would check on her, at night, every now and then, I didn't really have the kinda psychological need to check on her all the time. This incident changed everything. I was exposed to some traumatic instances during a war we had (that's a whole another story) and I really feel like I was in the hands of a terrorist group when I was in India. After this incident in India (although nothing bad actually happened), I was challenged and I was put in a situation that I had no control of. And the fact that my friend didn't side with me on my take on this guy, I was helpless. This changed many things. This made me question on her judgement on people, how I want to safeguard her from everything and I am now turning to a situation where I want to know everything she does. I have no legal right to her, I only have the friendship that I built with her over the last 3+ years and I do not want to lose her by ANY MEANS WHAT SO EVER! This emotional battle with her brought me all the way to the ground up to a level that I cannot even function at all. I have a severe gastrics issue now, cannot eat, non stop smoking and now it feels like a heart attack. My face is all messed up and so many people asked me if I was ok. Fortunately my wife does not know any of this is going on and if she does, she would be very upset and I dont even know how she would react honestly.

I am writing this at an Starbucks right now and I felt like I wanted to puke earlier. Earlier we came out from the office and she just said she has to go and she left. I don't know if she is intentionally doing it thinking that, I will get over being concerned or worried about her, but it just makes it worse. I have not been emotionally this down and this is really bothering her and me and it's affecting our work, friendship and everything else. She also gets so stressed out. She's a free soul and she wants to do new things all the time. I want her to be who she is, but I just want to know what's happening in her life. She may or may not find someone in the future and I want to be there for her until then or forever. She said several times that she likes being single and told me not to come to that "space", whatever that means. I have no intention of interfrreing in her life, but I want to make sure everything goes well with her and I don't want her to be used by anyone, sexually or mentally in ANY WAY AT ALL.

Is this some sort of a PTSD kinda situation or am I falling in love with her or I have no idea what the hell I am going through. I still see her as the closest friend that I have. This is affecting both of our lives seriously now. We have so much to look forward to and need to build a company over the next few years and that too is looking really well. Mentally, for me, what makes me happier is knowing where she is, what she is dealing with, etc. I never wanted to be like that, but after this experience in India last year, I changed!

Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Does your wife know you willed this woman large sums of money? Do you have any family if you didn’t want to leave all your money to your wife? Siblings? Cousins? Maybe a very trusted life long friend? I am in disbelief that you willed her that much money? Your wife needs to know about it. I can’t wrap my mind around it

I wonder if your wife would look at all of this the same way that you do.

I wonder if she would believe (knowing everything) that you actually love her.

It doesn't sound like she would.

The fact that your health is deteriorating could be your body's way of telling you that the situation is untenable and needs to be changed in some way.

If I was the wife I would be sooooo pissed. And just because its secret now doesnt mean its a secret forever.

I’m not sure what kind of urgent advice on a friend you are looking for.

You vetted your business partner so carefully before you teamed up with her, but then you became everything you were worried about.

It does sound like you may have depression or ptsd, and are extremely controlling and disrespectful of others’ boundaries.

You are just trying to have your cake and eat it too. You have your wife. You want to possess your business partner. You can’t stand the thought of anyone else having her, and intruded on her attempts at a relationship with someone else, like a jealous lover, which you are.

I know of a family who went to their father’s funeral and surprisingly met his other secret family and learned he had left them money in his will. It’s not pretty. Do you care how your wife will feel if you die and she learns you left your partner/lover money in your will? She will hate you post mortem.

If you think this woman will never have to work after she gets money you willed her, it must be enormous amount as she is still young. Actually it’s no matter how much you willed her. That’s ultimate betrayal and worse than just regular cheating on one’s wife (which is bad enough). I hope your wife finds out about this affair and dumps you very soon.

Husband’s infidelity- one level of hurt for wife
Husband leaving money to his lover in his will- a whole other level of hurt and the ultimate slap in the face for wife

Right?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, platipusjack I'm afraid I must agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! From what you wrote it seems like there are many things you may want to work on. You may have Depression or you may simply be too attached to people you care about. It's perfectly ok to care about other people as well, but not to the point of ruining your marriage, your relationships, your own health and well-being and your own money! I feel like you're definitely too controlling for your own good and you may want to work on that. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I feel like that's VERY important for you and that you may want to do it as soon as you can. Things may get worse. From what you wrote I think you've already understood that the situation is not really good and that you may want to do something to change it as soon as you can. I'd suggest to modify your will as soon as you can. Your wife will very likely feel very hurt by all of this if she finds out. I believe you need to be honest to her with all of this. Even if you don't want to tell her the truth, please try to remember that she's your wife and that she DOES NEED to be respected. Please try to really think about what we've all wrote to you here. I hope you'll be able to make the best decision for yourself, your wife and your friend. Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you, your wife and your friend all have to deal with all of this, platipusjack

Your first priority as a husband, is not her, but your wife.

It is not your job to protect her, but it is your job to protect your wife.

If you want to look out for her in general, and give her some advice as a friend, that's fine.

But anything beyond that, takes away from the total commitment you owe your wife.

It sounds like you should divorce your wife and pursue a relationship with this other woman. If you see her as a closer friend than your wife is to you, that's a sign that staying in your marriage is the wrong thing to do, even if it's for financial dependency reasons.

Your wife deserves to know the truth. You owe her the truth.

You can't have your cake and eat it to. I mean, you can try as many others do, but eventually the truth will come out and there will be consequences.

I don't think this situation has anything to do with your PTSD or depression, although it can definitely affect both of those mental health conditions poorly.

So being unfaithful (you said you had sexual encounter with this other woman), keeping your relationship with this woman secret from your wife, and secretly (unbeknownst to your wife) willing this woman large sums of money does not make you lose your faith in humanity, but our opinions about it do? Do you think what you are doing with this woman is the right thing to do? If yes, how so? You don’t think that it’s not appropriate for a married man to act this way?

Hard truths can be difficult to hear, but they are still truths.

Are you serious? You had an affair, didn't even apologize or acknowledge it to your wife, selfishly want to control your affair partner's livelihood with your jealousy and you want to have your cake (stay married for the wife's financial support) and eat it too (continue daydreaming about having sex with your affair partner, and hope you can get her to stop dating so you can be with her).

I think you need a hard dose of reality. You are lacking real moral ethics here. You have no remorse for this affair and are acting like you did nothing wrong. You violated your marriage vows, and continue to use your wife for her money so you can start a business with a woman you had sex with. That's messed up. Sorry to be so cruel, but I think you're not dealing with reality at all. Or you don't want to.

I just realized your wife is a doctor. You likely enjoy financial perks of being married to a doctor however you will your money to this other woman.

Either your married and loyal or your not.

If your not loyal then be a man and get divorced so your wife can find someone loyal and you can commit all your time to your partner... which right now your looking like you do.

No one is being mean to you, just opinions and solid advice.

Sorry your not hearing what you wanted to.

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