What do you do when people make comments, criticism or give advice that you really don’t appreciate?

This used to happen to me a lot. I now limit how much information I share with people and I’m very careful what I say. But still, now and then the unwanted comments come and it triggers me.

I’ve tried to think through my own words and actions to determine if perhaps I have said something to offend someone else. Maybe I inadvertently triggered somebody else and that’s where the comments or advice is coming from... but I can only analyze my own behaviors and intentions so much. I can only censor what I share with others so much.

I used to let resentment build when people criticized or gave advice I didn’t ask for. Now I just very kindly distance myself from the person and share absolutely nothing with them going forward.

Am I cutting off friendships and relationships too much by doing this? What’s the alternative? I want to just live my life without feeling judged or criticized. This is what we all want... I’m curious how do you handle this issue?

It’s like people are poking around and digging to look for my faults and find a way to put me down.

I am asking myself..... how much of this is MY perception versus the other person’s intention? I’m also asking myself... WHY does this have to bother me? It doesn’t. Yet I allow it to bother me...

Originally Posted by Sisabel

It’s like people are poking around and digging to look for my faults and find a way to put me down.

I am asking myself..... how much of this is MY perception versus the other person’s intention? I’m also asking myself... WHY does this have to bother me? It doesn’t. Yet I allow it to bother me...

I don't know because I don't know the people involved but for me, I will have that reaction either because I don't want to change what I am doing to what they are recommending or I want to be liked and I will mistakenly believe that a critism of one of my actions is the same as not liking me. However, many times, when people give advice, it is because they either care, want something (it can just be as simple as wanting your attention) or a combination of both. Try to look at what they criticised and evaluate if it is valid?

[s4ndm4n2006]

it's hard ot say. Without knowing the situations first hand it's hard to determine if it's that you are just triggered by criticism when it's not invited or is it a problem that involves people that tend to criticize other's a lot. The reason I make the distinction is because the approach would be different in each instance.

If it's a personal thing and you have a hard time accepting criticism of others then it's internal and something you need to work out within yourself and analyze why you are sensitive to such things. Cutting off others for this reason would likely just leave you without any friends left to be near and have relationships with.

on the other hand if it's overly critical people that have a tendency to criticize everyone and every little fault they can find in others, well that's a whole different ball of wax and I would definitely distance myself from people like that. They typically do this without any personal vendetta against anyone in particular, just are generally judgmental of most other people. Why that is doesn't matter, it's just simply that it's best to limit contact if not cut them off altogether from yourself.

The bottom line is that it takes discernment to figure out which is the case in every instance. If this is a chronic problem, I would venture to guess that part of it may be the former, and there's nothing wrong with that, just that something that you'll need to work out for yourself. But take time to discern the difference between each situation with someone that you find to be overly critical of you.

Hope this helps.

Great question Sisabel. I think it depends on the person and situation. If there is a person in your life who seems to be repeatedly giving unsolicited advice, then I would recommend a direct but calm conversation with them. Something simple like: "Sometimes I am just venting and appreciate when you listen. If I ever need advice, i will let you know. Thanks for listening."
If it's a one-off with someone, you could probably just let it go.

if you aren't sure if you are over-reacting, I recommend running the scenario details by someone you trust. I think you said previously that you are married, yes? Try asking your husband what he thinks about a given comment or dynamic. That's what I do sometimes with my partner. I tell him ahead of time that I won't be offended if he tells me that I am taking something too seriously etc

It's natural to be irritated by unsolicited advice...nobody feels good about that. I think the key is to ensure that your response is calm and proportional rather than reactive or avoidant. If that makes sense.

Peace to you!

[WishfulThinker66]

I think it also depends on the nature of the opinion or advice.

I get really appalled when people make eyebrow-raising comments that indicate rather alarming beliefs especially those radically political.

So too do I get frustrated and offended when people infer I am not taking care of myself or assume they know better than my mental healthcare team. You should or shouldn't take medications. You should be on this diet or that supplement program.

But then there are opinions and advice I value; of course however, it is all in the delivery.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Sisabel! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, kind, wise and wonderful advice and suggestion on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! Unfortunately there are many people who just judge other people and hurt them by doing so! I believe you're NOT doing anything wrong by cutting off contacts with this kind of people if you feel like that's the best thing to do for your own health and for yourself! It's just self-preservation! If you're having doubts about yourself, perhaps that's something worht exploring! Are you still looking for a therapist? How is the search going? Have you already found one? I feel like that may really help you if you truly want to explore yourself! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! Either way, I believe you're not necessarely doing anything WRONG by cutting off contacts with people you're NOT feeling comfortable with! If you feel like it IS a problem within yourself, you WILL find out with proper explorarion within yourself and with time! There's nothing wrong with staying away from those kind of people though at least for now! You DO need some space and time for yourself after all and that's ABSOLUTELY understandable! Please don't EVER feel guilty about it, ok? Sending many hugs to you, Sisable!

Here is the unwanted advice and criticism I’m getting: my H and I haven’t taken a vacation in several years... for various reasons... my H has some health issues that making traveling a little bit of a challenge... so we are trying to save money. We are concerned about financial stability. Hopefully he can retire early. We also have some aging pets we don’t want to leave with a pet sitter or at a boarding facility. So we have put vacations on hold for now. For these reasons.

Why do people keep asking me why we haven’t taken a vacation together in so long? Why do they persist to the point of giving me advice about boarding my pets? They ask me why over and over. It makes me mad. I shouldn’t have to explain myself. My H’s health issues are nobody’s business. Neither are our financial concerns or the concerns for our aging pets anybody’s business. It really annoys me to no end when people persist in convincing me we must take a vacation right away.

After thinking about what you all have said here... I think the trigger is largely because I am feeling sensitive. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t take criticism well. I can take a lot of joking and teasing, but not direct criticism and unwarranted advice. BUT. Whether I take a vacation or however else I choose to live my life is nobody’s business...

My H tells me to just ignore those comments. Just don’t worry about it and let it go. He says we have to make the choices that are best for us and not be influenced or annoyed by what other people say.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Here is the unwanted advice and criticism I’m getting: my H and I haven’t taken a vacation in several years... for various reasons... my H has some health issues that making traveling a little bit of a challenge... so we are trying to save money. We are concerned about financial stability. Hopefully he can retire early. We also have some aging pets we don’t want to leave with a pet sitter or at a boarding facility. So we have put vacations on hold for now. For these reasons.

Why do people keep asking me why we haven’t taken a vacation together in so long? Why do they persist to the point of giving me advice about boarding my pets? They ask me why over and over. It makes me mad. I shouldn’t have to explain myself. My H’s health issues are nobody’s business. Neither are our financial concerns or the concerns for our aging pets anybody’s business. It really annoys me to no end when people persist in convincing me we must take a vacation right away.

After thinking about what you all have said here... I think the trigger is largely because I am feeling sensitive. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t take criticism well. I can take a lot of joking and teasing, but not direct criticism and unwarranted advice. BUT. Whether I take a vacation or however else I choose to live my life is nobody’s business...

My H tells me to just ignore those comments. Just don’t worry about it and let it go. He says we have to make the choices that are best for us and not be influenced or annoyed by what other people say.

Thank you for elaborating Sisabel. I too would be irritated in your situation. I don't think you should just ignore the comments. It's clearly not working for you...you're feeling judged and your boundaries aren't being respected. That warrants a response. Your husband's approach is passive. Passive responses (though perhaps that works for him) often don't lead to the outcome we desire....they don't solve the recurring problem because the other party has no indication that they need to modify their behavior. The opposite of passive would be aggressive and obviously not helpful either. People often forget that there's a middle ground: respectfully assertive....
"I realize that you want to be helpful. It's just that I don't actually need info about boarding pets. We are happy as we are. I am getting a bit weary of people telling us that we should be going on vacation. It would be great to drop that topic and chat about other things. What's the latest with you? How's work? etc"

Maybe try that? See what happens? Someone who pushes for more info can receive a short response: "I have no need to discuss this topic further. Let's move on." Anyone who continues to push/bring the topic up again after you've drawn a line is a person who willfully disregards boundaries and I would take a long step back from them.

Just my thoughts. Peace to you! For what it's worth, it does not seem weird at all to me that you don't take vacations and I agree that you do not need to justify your choices. That is very personal and nobody else's business. I have had to be assertive about people continually asking when I'll get married or have a child (no desire to do either)....ignoring it previously caused me to be more and more frustrated or even to be very abrupt on one occasion. I used to inwardly think 'how on earth do they think it's appropriate to ask me things like this' but I've learned that people judge you by their standards....they can't imagine not wanting marriage or children so it doesn't occur to them that I don't want those things. And boundary issues are so common, right?
Looking at PC posts alone, boundary violation seems like a frequent cause of strife among humans. We are a mucky bunch, aren't we?

Respectfully assertive is best imo. And it also takes practice...in my experience.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Thank you for elaborating Sisabel. I too would be irritated in your situation. I don't think you should just ignore the comments. It's clearly not working for you...you're feeling judged and your boundaries aren't being respected. That warrants a response. Your husband's approach is passive. Passive responses (though perhaps that works for him) often don't lead to the outcome we desire....they don't solve the recurring problem because the other party has no indication that they need to modify their behavior. The opposite of passive would be aggressive and obviously not helpful either. People often forget that there's a middle ground: respectfully assertive....

"I realize that you want to be helpful. It's just that I don't actually need info about boarding pets. We are happy as we are. I am getting a bit weary of people telling us that we should be going on vacation. It would be great to drop that topic and chat about other things. What's the latest with you? How's work? etc"


Maybe try that? See what happens? Someone who pushes for more info can receive a short response: "I have no need to discuss this topic further. Let's move on." Anyone who continues to push/bring the topic up again after you've drawn a line is a person who willfully disregards boundaries and I would take a long step back from them.


Just my thoughts. Peace to you! For what it's worth, it does not seem weird at all to me that you don't take vacations and I agree that you do not need to justify your choices. That is very personal and nobody else's business. I have had to be assertive about people continually asking when I'll get married or have a child (no desire to do either)....ignoring it previously caused me to be more and more frustrated or even to be very abrupt on one occasion. I used to inwardly think 'how on earth do they think it's appropriate to ask me things like this' but I've learned that people judge you by their standards....they can't imagine not wanting marriage or children so it doesn't occur to them that I don't want those things. And boundary issues are so common, right?

Looking at PC posts alone, boundary violation seems like a frequent cause of strife among humans. We are a mucky bunch, aren't we?


Respectfully assertive is best imo. And it also takes practice...in my experience.

Thank you. I should have just posted the whole story to begin with but as you said, it’s a common issue. People trample boundaries of others in many ways.

I can’t even imagine telling someone they should have kids and get married! It’s so rude. There are so many ways to live a happy life and I don’t get why people insist there is an exact recipe we should all follow. Oh, and we must post our entire “perfect” life on social media. I personally think it’s smart that you know what you do or don’t want and you make your choices accordingly. Good for you that you have done that.

I will try your suggestions for getting off the stupid vacation topic. It’s really been getting under my skin. As you said, it’s nobody’s business.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

My H tells me to just ignore those comments. Just don’t worry about it and let it go. He says we have to make the choices that are best for us and not be influenced or annoyed by what other people say.

I like your husband's advice.

People are nosey nellies and like to butt into each other's lives when they think they know best. It can trigger me too, these types of people.

Just ignore their inquiries. Deflect with "thanks for your concern" and change the subject. If you tell them, "stop bringing that up b/c it annoys me!" they won't understand (these types have no filter AND terrible boundaries).

You are absolutely correct that your life and choices is nobody's business.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

I don't think you should just ignore the comments. It's clearly not working for you...you're feeling judged and your boundaries aren't being respected. That warrants a response.

For what it's worth, it does not seem weird at all to me that you don't take vacations and I agree that you do not need to justify your choices.

Looking at PC posts alone, boundary violation seems like a frequent cause of strife among humans. We are a mucky bunch, aren't we?

Well I like SilverTrees response in regards to people in our life who are family and friends (and won't cause a scene when we assert boundaries). The friends and family who understand and try to respect our wishes are worth their weight in gold!

Figuring out proper boundaries has been a big issue for me. I sometimes don't even realize when mine have been violated and because of this, I have been a bad example for my children. My T and children have been teaching me and I might not have ever figured it out without them.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I like your husband's advice.

If you tell them, "stop bringing that up b/c it annoys me!" they won't understand (these types have no filter AND terrible boundaries).

I agree with StreetcareBlanche in regards to acquaintances. Some people don't listen very well and will think terrible things that are not really what you said. It is just not worth it if they can be easily ignored.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Thank you. I should have just posted the whole story to begin with but as you said, it’s a common issue. People trample boundaries of others in many ways.

I can’t even imagine telling someone they should have kids and get married! It’s so rude. There are so many ways to live a happy life and I don’t get why people insist there is an exact recipe we should all follow. Oh, and we must post our entire “perfect” life on social media. I personally think it’s smart that you know what you do or don’t want and you make your choices accordingly. Good for you that you have done that.

I will try your suggestions for getting off the stupid vacation topic. It’s really been getting under my skin. As you said, it’s nobody’s business.

Thank you for the kind and insightful words. People seem to be applying the life formula to you too...you must leave your pets and go on vacation because that's what people are supposed to do...it's really quite a ridiculous notion when you think about it that everyone must go on vacation...perhaps in time you may even find a bit of humor in how myopic some people around you are being.

I also want to say I commend you for such considerate care of your pets. A trend I have noticed in my area is young people who work full-time buying dogs and keeping them locked up in a small cage for 10 hours a day so that they can get home and have one hour of play with the animal before it goes back in the cage again. One former colleague could not understand why her new dog had started barking wildly and appeared distressed for hours after she got home like he had lost his mind..."he didn't do that when I first got him...I don't get it." It didn't occur to her that being confined to a small cage for ten hours a day, six days a week was making him mentally ill. I personally would love to own a German Shepherd but I lack the time and energy to properly care for an animal so i don't have one. Sidebar, sorry! Props to you for supporting your clan...hub and pets!

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Well I like SilverTrees response in regards to people in our life who are family and friends (and won't cause a scene when we assert boundaries). The friends and family who understand and try to respect our wishes are worth their weight in gold!

Figuring out proper boundaries has been a big issue for me. I sometimes don't even realize when mine have been violated and because of this, I have been a bad example for my children. My T and children have been teaching me and I might not have ever figured it out without them.


I agree with StreetcareBlanche in regards to acquaintances. Some people don't listen very well and will think terrible things that are not really what you said. It is just not worth it if they can be easily ignored.

While I understand your thought process, I do not believe that setting boundaries should be reserved for family and close friends. We have to respect and set boundaries with everyone we meet...busdriver....sales associate...neighbor...colleague etc.

Avoiding setting boundaries with some people out of fear that they may react negatively is problematic. "Some people don't listen very well and will think terrible things that are not really what you said." We cannot control others' thoughts or feelings....we can however draw a line when we are weary of it being overstepped. And phrasing makes a difference. I did not suggest telling someone that they are annoying you. "I am weary of this topic though I appreciate you were trying to be helpful" sends a different message. And then you move on. I don't think people fall into two groups: listeners and non-listeners. i think there are all sorts of reasons why people may overstep (on one occasion) and most (not all) will respect a friendly cue. i know I would.

I am not trying to argue btw. I respect all viewpoints. Just sharing my thoughts.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

While I understand your thought process, I do not believe that setting boundaries should be reserved for family and close friends. We have to respect and set boundaries with everyone we meet...busdriver....sales associate...neighbor...colleague etc.

Avoiding setting boundaries with some people out of fear that they may react negatively is problematic. And phrasing makes a difference. I did not suggest telling someone that they are annoying you. "I am weary of this topic though I appreciate you were trying to be helpful" sends a different message. And then you move on.

I am not trying to argue btw. I respect all viewpoints. Just sharing my thoughts.

Yes, I understand how that might work best for many.

I don't know if it is genetic (my father is like this) or was taught to me but I hate confrontations. They make my anxiety skyrocket, I get nauseous, etc. I am taking baby steps and am trying to take a stand when it matters most....

We need to set boundaries with everyone, regardless of their role in our life. It's the only way to be happy. It's hard to do, esp. for people like me who suffer with anxiety but I am continually learning how, when, and where to set boundaries with people I meet.

I hate confrontations but sometimes they are necessary.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

We need to set boundaries with everyone, regardless of their role in our life. It's the only way to be happy. It's hard to do, esp. for people like me who suffer with anxiety but I am continually learning how, when, and where to set boundaries with people I meet.

I hate confrontations but sometimes they are necessary.

Funny how sometimes it can come so naturally and other times it just doesn't or I start doing it then backslide....

Hope I didn't take over your thread too much Sisabel.

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Yes, I understand how that might work best for many.

I don't know if it is genetic (my father is like this) or was taught to me but I hate confrontations. They make my anxiety skyrocket, I get nauseous, etc. I am taking baby steps and am trying to take a stand when it matters most....

You are not alone Nowinners. When i have to do it, my heart races and I also feel nauseous like you. I believe, for me, it is because I grew up with an abusive father, a mother who wasn't much better and siblings who never learned what boundaries even are. It's very hard but I chip away at it. Like you. To not send boundaries is guaranteed misery especially while living with PTSD (myself) but it certainly is not easy to draw a line sometimes.

Good thread!

[healingme4me]

I agree about it being time to not let things go, one step at a time. I get it and can fully relate. It's from being raised in a 'be nice' ubringing. Certainly, I myself, don't want to come accross as being off putting and I certainly have learned that most everyone around me is going to talk above me and my soft spoken voice. But for me, there's also the fact that it was my mom always and forever speaking for me, whether I wanted her to or not. I had to learn how to respectfully assert through the years. I even probably from group support prior to PC, learned the value of if something doesn't sit right, speak up and ask or ask myself, do I truly want to 'let that go' or do I now or never ask or say something because breading resentment leads to anger and depression and feeling isolated. It was such a tight knit group that group of 10 of us before life spread us all out in different directions but what you say in your OP resonates.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

What do you do when people make comments, criticism or give advice that you really don’t appreciate?

This used to happen to me a lot. I now limit how much information I share with people and I’m very careful what I say. But still, now and then the unwanted comments come and it triggers me.

I’ve tried to think through my own words and actions to determine if perhaps I have said something to offend someone else. Maybe I inadvertently triggered somebody else and that’s where the comments or advice is coming from... but I can only analyze my own behaviors and intentions so much. I can only censor what I share with others so much.

I used to let resentment build when people criticized or gave advice I didn’t ask for. Now I just very kindly distance myself from the person and share absolutely nothing with them going forward.

Am I cutting off friendships and relationships too much by doing this? What’s the alternative? I want to just live my life without feeling judged or criticized. This is what we all want... I’m curious how do you handle this issue?

I just politely say "thanks for your input & unsolicited opinions, but I wasn't looking for advice or your constructive criticisms. I was looking for X, Y or Z instead." And then see what they say. It usually makes a person take a step back.

You guys just have no idea how much you help me. Putting my thoughts down in writing helps me to face my issues and talking them through with you truly helps me to work through them. I read and consider all view points and I appreciate the contrasting viewpoints. Ultimately, it’s about learning what to say and when to say it and also when to walk away... sounds like the Kenny Rogers Gambler song....

I really am putting my intentions to improve my life into action IRL. I just can’t tell you enough how much your words help me.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Thank you for the kind and insightful words. People seem to be applying the life formula to you too...you must leave your pets and go on vacation because that's what people are supposed to do...it's really quite a ridiculous notion when you think about it that everyone must go on vacation...perhaps in time you may even find a bit of humor in how myopic some people around you are being.


I also want to say I commend you for such considerate care of your pets. A trend I have noticed in my area is young people who work full-time buying dogs and keeping them locked up in a small cage for 10 hours a day so that they can get home and have one hour of play with the animal before it goes back in the cage again. One former colleague could not understand why her new dog had started barking wildly and appeared distressed for hours after she got home like he had lost his mind..."he didn't do that when I first got him...I don't get it." It didn't occur to her that being confined to a small cage for ten hours a day, six days a week was making him mentally ill. I personally would love to own a German Shepherd but I lack the time and energy to properly care for an animal so i don't have one. Sidebar, sorry! Props to you for supporting your clan...hub and pets!

Thank you. We rescued some of our pets and a couple of them are elderly now. We are very committed to them. We are also very committed to stability in our life... financially, emotionally, mentally and health wise. These are our priorities right now and vacations can wait for the time being. We do have a lot of fun in our own way and fortunately hubby and I have already done a lot of traveling in our lives. We have seen the world and now we have new commitments. Animal rescue and volunteer work means a lot to me right now. I don’t care to explain that to anybody but for some reason I get defensive when people pressure me. I think it’s because I think they are implying I’m some kind of loser who is missing out on life. Thank you for appreciating and understanding that.

One of my oldest college girlfriends gave me very unsolicited advice on exactly how to tailor my wedding dress. Granted, I had sent a pic of it to a handful of girlfriends, asking "what do you think?" I expected either a thumbs up or down response, not an entire Pinterest page full of pics on exactly how I can change the dress in just about every single way, which is what this one friend did. lol.

I opened the door for an opinion, but I certainly did not expect this level or extent of an opinion! And it became extreme! She even sent me accessories with pics on how I could also accessorize the dress.

ALL I had meant to ask for was "yes" or "no", keep shopping. She took it upon herself to be the self-proclaimed maid of honor and ran with it...... then she got offended when I didn't take up any of her suggestions.

People are people. We often offer advice when it's not asked for, and often with the best of intentions. To help. But I didn't want my friend's help per se.

I suppose the point of my story is to say that I had basically opened the door for it by how I worded my initial question. But man, I did not anticipate an entire Pinterest collection of ideas! LOL! God bless her. She meant well. She really did.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

What do you do when people make comments, criticism or give advice that you really don’t appreciate?

This used to happen to me a lot. I now limit how much information I share with people and I’m very careful what I say. But still, now and then the unwanted comments come and it triggers me.

I’ve tried to think through my own words and actions to determine if perhaps I have said something to offend someone else. Maybe I inadvertently triggered somebody else and that’s where the comments or advice is coming from... but I can only analyze my own behaviors and intentions so much. I can only censor what I share with others so much.

I used to let resentment build when people criticized or gave advice I didn’t ask for. Now I just very kindly distance myself from the person and share absolutely

nothing with them going forward.

Am I cutting off friendships and relationships too much by doing this? What’s the alternative? I want to just live my life without feeling judged or criticized. This is what we all want... I’m curious how do you handle this issue?

Good question Sisabel, I can certainly relate..

I do distance myself and share very little when I feel judged and criticised.

Hugs to you

PS it’s beyond me why some people enjoy judging others so much