Husband pressuring me to dress more sexy and “accidentally” expose myself to othermen

Maybe. It’s definitely been a gradual progressing trying to get me to do more and more. He hasn’t mentioned swinging though.

So here’s the update from our counseling session. It wasn’t very helpful at all. I appreciated the counselor’s honesty though. He said it wasn’t something he felt equipped to counsel us on and referred us to a couple other people. So I’ll be calling them today. I found out a little bit though. He explained the difference between fantasies and reality and how sometimes people get caught up in a fantasy but would never actually want to act on it. Or even have never actually played out the entire scenario in their head to know if they could even actually do it (or would really even want to). He asked my husband if he has fantasies of other men seeing me naked. Obviously my husband said yes. Then he asked, if right now, you could have another man see your wife naked, would you actually be able to go through with it. And he challenged him to take a moment and really imagine what the would be like and how it would feel and how he’d feel afterward etc. to which my husband said yes, he’d want that to happen. Which for the record felt rather uncomfortable having another guy ask if my husband would like other men to see me naked right in front of me, and then to have him say yes. It felt like he was asking if my husband would be ok with him seeing me naked right there! That totally wasn’t the case! He was very professional. But that’s totally what it was feeling like for me! Anyways, then he moved on to asking if my husband fantasized about other men actually touching me. my husband said yes. The when asked if he could actually go through with it when he played it all the way out, my husband said he thinks so. The he was asked if he fantasized about other men sleeping with me. He said yes. Which was new information to me and caught me off guard. Up until then he’d never mentioned wanting other guys to sleep with me! Then he asked if he could go through with it to which my husband said, “I don’t know”. Which was not much of a relief. I heard it sounds like he might possibly actually like the idea of me sleeping with other guys! So I’m freaking out about this new information now. Hubby and I haven’t talked too much about it all. Mostly because I’m still processing all of this new information. That’s about when he said that this is outside his expertise and referred us on. So it was like a bomb, then no support or explanation from a professional or anything! Oh, he also asked if my husband had any desire to engage with other women in this way himself. He said no to that. So it’s strictly about other guys seeing me and possible more. So I’m not sure if that’s a relief or what. I’m just trying to process everything. Could really use a professional, but I’ll have to wait until I can get another appointment with one of these other counselors.

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Originally Posted by Noname1987 Maybe. It’s definitely been a gradual progressing trying to get me to do more and more. He hasn’t mentioned swinging though.

Doesn't want to scare you off? Conditioning you little by little it sounds like. Maybe he will accept your boundaries or maybe he expects his conditioning will work & boundaries won't exist for him? Only you can confront this issue.

Kinda like the frog in the pot if hot water that is set to boil. The water warms up gradually until it is boiling & the frog ends up cooked in boiling water because he never jumped out of the pot while he still could. Confront the issue don't just wait to see where it ends up for you.

Do you think he assumes you wouldn't mind going along with it because you have a great marriage and great sex life? In other words, do you think he assumes you would be comfortable and up for it because he believes you might not think he intends to objectify you? I

It's possible that he doesn't realize he's objectifying you......

Just for the record, this really isn't something new. Men have been playing around with exposing women's bodies to gain attention throughout human history. There is Bo Derek in the movie "10" and Maryln Monroe was constantly used to lure in certain ways. There is "Hooters" where women are expected to look a certain way and wear outfits showing off things men like to look at. Hugh Hefner created his empire by finding women that had certain attributes he could show off in his magazines. There are so many movies that show women off in certain ways to varying degrees.

Your husband more than likely thinks your body is beautiful and he fantasizes about ways he can share it. However, some of his ideas are NOT things that should happen and instead should just remain fantasies. Too much of something is simply that, "too much".

I think it would be interesting to take your husband to a male strip club and then start asking him to do certain things. Very few men care to go to these kind of "women's events". What does your husband do? It would be interesting to see how he does when the shoe is on the other foot. When you try this, do it tastefully though and don't do it as a way to punish him, but instead to put him in the same position he puts you in with "hmmm, you got me thinking and how about YOU do some things for me too". Hmmm, maybe YOU playing strip poker with women and YOU losing on purpose. Often a person understands boundaries better when they are in the position of giving their boundaries up the same way. Doing it 'tastefully" however is key, because it's ok to play "some" games together, but it's important to do so in a way that doesn't push your partner's boundaries to please you in a selfish way.

Hey @Noname1987 :

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Originally Posted by Noname1987 Seriously, if people knew us they probably wouldn’t jump to being so harsh towards him. I probably framed my post poorly and painted him as some weirdo exhibitionist of me. The “accidental” flashes thing is one small aspect of this whole thing. And it’s like at a bar or something he says I should bend forward so someone could get a peek down. It’s weird, but it’s not like unheard of at a bar where people are looking to pick up women. So I probably should have titled it “ husband wants other men to see me naked” not anything about the “accidental” exposures.

I do not know if I agree that people are being harsh about what you describe. And lets take personality completely out of the equation. Plenty of people who engage in this type of behavior in a monogamous relationship are great people and partner. I think the concern lies with the fact that you have stated that you do not like it and do not want to participate. If you have said no to your husband about this or talked with him about it being uncomfortable for you then that should settle it. Needling you, bringing it back up and still talking about it is where I think the issue lies. If this was something you two had previously engaged in regularly and then suddenly you were not into it anymore I can see the point in it coming up but no is no as far as I see it.

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And that’s really where my questions are. He wants me (being fully consenting) to let his friends (also fully consenting) see me naked. So people are getting hung up on the “accidental” part and it’s not about that. Like fine, I totally understand that’s no good. I agree. But that’s not my issue, and I’m sorry I framed it wrong.

But you didnt frame it wrong as I see it- you explained it well. I didnt get hung up on the accidental part of it, I was thinking about you not wanting it and him continuing to pressure you about it.

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It’s the him wanting other guys to see me. Like he wants me to go to a male gyno. Which I’ve never done. It’s not out of the ordinary for many women. But he likes the idea of another guy doing all of that to me.

To me this is not ok because we are talking about your healthcare. No matter if its a guy or girl or whatever, engaging in that sort of fantasy with someone who is supposed to be a professional medical provider-(even if its one-sided) isn't cool IMO.

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Or he’s booked massages for me and after I find out he requested a male masseur. Then he wants to hear if the guy saw anything extra than he’s supposed to. He just has a thing for other guys seeing me that’s cropped up recently in the last couple of years. And it’s been super gradual. Suggesting more revealing bikinis, then requesting me to stop wearing a bra, dress sexy when we’re going out, all the way to just saying he wants me to let his friends see me naked, or the naked room service thing. So it’s weird, and not what I think almost any other married men would want.

The whole thing is very manipulating dont you think? If you had a daughter with the exact same situation and marriage what would you say to her?

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But everything about our life and marriage other than this is great. He’s a loving, attentive, engaged husband and father. Divorce is so not even in my mind. Obviously something is driving this kink and I want to find a way to either work through it, or figure out how we fit it into our lives in a mutually acceptable way. Not sure what that looks like, but those are the questions. Oh, and like, why? Like what gets a husband to want to show his wife to other men. That seems so counter to how I know how protective men are of “their women”.

I have no doubt that you feel he is your best friend and a great husband, and he may be. But you do not want this and he wont let it go- how does that make you feel?

I think your husband has been trying to create new games with you and at the same time wants to explore sexuality more.

What you DON'T want to develop from this desire to explore and experience these exciting rushes that he clearly is looking to experience now, is you don't want innocence to turn into "Cruel Intentions". That is what the movie is all about, innocence turning into something that results in tragedy. You have shared that you have had a long happy relationship with your husband so far. It's ok to get creative, it can even be healthy, however it can also get dark and can end up destroying something that should instead experience "healthy" growth.

Also, there are other things that you can do together that create "rushes" that can be just as good. Some couples test their personal thresholds by going hiking together, or running marathons together. It's about the desire to explore which often does develop at this age both of you are at right now.

I personally don’t have an issue with whatever your husband wants as long as it’s concentual. I’d not go for it. But others do and it’s fine. The issue I see that you didn’t know about it for all these years and it’s not really concentual as you are being ambushed and that you two might just not be compatible in that sense and he has no respect for you amd your opinion

Oh boy. I changed my opinion now after reading about male gyn and male massage. I see male gyn because he is a well known doc and I had health issues. Suggesting that women do it for their husbands pleasure and some husband get off that is offensive. These are professionals. They aren’t there for kinks. Massage professional isn’t there to accidentally take a pick. He is there to perform a professional task.

If your husband really wants all that, why isn’t he just doing with friends? Why get unsuspected professionals involved? That’s just so offensive.

I think I would just call for a total Time out.

No more talk about any of this stuff until it’s all addressed through Sessions with a Therapist.

I think you need time to just process everything and pick it all apart and see if there has been a pattern and maybe he’s been grooming you to slowly accept everything without looking at the big picture. Yes I agree Frog in a pot and heating up

I think seeing a Therapist your self might be helpful, you need to make sure your still being true to yourself... lines can get blurry when one person what’s more of something than the other.

Well I screwed up and need to vent. I tried to call my husband’s bluff tonight and it backfired. He is absolutely serious about all of his requests. Tonight he had one if his buddies over to work on my car. He kept “jokingly” telling me I should flash him as “payment”. He didn’t say it in front of his friend fortunately. He’s just whisper it teasingly every now and then. I got tired of it and went to our room. He came in a little later and asked again if I’d put on something “sexy or sheer”. I decided to call his bluff because I didn’t think he could really go through with it. And I told him that. I told him I don’t think he’s thinking it through all the way. Would he still feel like a man if he let another guy just enjoy his wife’s body? So I basically told him, fine, if you want this so bad, then you see if it’s something YOU can go through with. I’ll leave the lights on and the curtains open The rest of the evening (our bedroom looks out to our backyard. It’s private so no chance of any neighbors seeing in or anything). I’m going to take a shower, then after, I’m going to stay naked in our room. Fold laundry, watch tv, whatever I want. And you decide if you can go through with letting your friend see me naked. but make sure you really think about it and if changing your relationship with him in that way is something you’re ok with. And think about if you really want other guys looking at me that way. So I opened the curtains, sent him out, and got in the shower. I felt right then like I had gotten through to him. But I was sick of the wondering and I just wanted to call his bluff. So I was determined. I turned of the shower, dried off, hung my towel up and walked into my bedroom. I started folding laundry and turned on a show. I was pretty confident I had called his bluff and shown him he couldn’t actually go through with it. But not two minutes after I got out of the shower, I hear our backyard slider open. I started freaking out but determined to stay the course and figure out what he really wanted. Plus I didn’t even know who was going out there. And I couldn’t see much outside with it being dark. But then I heard two voices talking and knew they were both out there watching. I couldn’t believe he actually went through with it. And then I felt like an idiot for coming up with such a stupid idea that had this as the consequence if I turned out to be wrong. I avoided looking at the window directly, but I could make our both of their figures out of my peripherals. So I know they were both just standing out there watching me. But while freaking out and trying to act normal, I realized that his friend doesn’t know that I know he’s out there maybe. So if I just act normal, at least I can save face. So I carried on. I also then decided I wanted to know how long my husband would decide to stay and watch. After about ten minutes I had lost hope that they’d give up any time soon, so I Got dressed to end their little show. Then I heard them come back in the house. I stayed in my room. There was no way I was going to try to face Mark right then after he’d just seen me naked.

After Mark left, my husband came into the room. I decided to play dumb to see if he was honest. I told him I did what I said I’d do, and I asked him what he decided. I mean, at least he was honest. He said he took Mark around back to see me. I stayed calm and said something like “so you’re serious about this”. He nodded. I asked how he brought it up to Mark. He said he just told him he needed help getting something out of the backyard “so it would seem unintentional”. I asked what happened when they saw me. He said that Mark turned away and apologized. But that he told him “it’s ok, I don’t mind if you look.” Apparently Mark looked shocked but went ahead and took advantage of the offer. I said, “so Mark knows you’re ok with him seeing me naked. Was there any questioning or conversation about that?” He said Mark asked several times if he was sure that he was ok with it. My husband said he found it sexy. Mark said something about never being ok with another guy seeing his girl. I asked him if that was embarrassing or made him think again about the decision he made. He said, it was a little embarrassing, but it had been a fantasy of his for so long that it was worth it. I asked how long they watched, again trying to see if he’d tell the truth. He said 10 or 15 minutes, until I got dressed.

I said, “ok, now at least I know where you stand. Are you happy?” He said yes then made moves to have sex. I was a huge whirl of thoughts. I wasn’t sure if I was mad or hurt or what. I think the strongest feeling was a coming to grips with that this is actually something he enjoys, a lot. But I figured I’d gone ahead and fulfilled a fantasy of his, so I let him enjoy it while I just tried to wrap my head around it all. He was super vigorous, like he always is when we discuss his fantasies. Only more-so since it actually came true. He talked about how sexy it was, some comments Mark had made about my body. He was super into it. So now he’s asleep and I’m wide awake. Thinking back on how incredibly completely my plan backfired on me. But also coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t just a fantasy to talk about, he’s really able to go through with it. I’m wondering if he’ll have any regrets in the morning. And I’m wondering how long I can avoid Mark. Also wondering how this fits into our relationship. Because there’s still no way I’m leaving him over this.

Sorry for the crazy long post. I had to get it off my chest. Please, I don’t need a bunch of judgment. I know it was a mistake. I think. I really don’t know. I know I should have considered the possibility of him going through with it before I suggested it. So please, don’t pile on. I’m just doing the best I can.

I think this is a "slippery slope"----as in, what is next? He probably thinks that if you allowed this (another man seeing you naked), then you probably will take the next step...whatever that is. What if this (Mark") guy tells other people/men? Would he expose himself to another woman? We all need emotional AND physical boundaries.

I am pretty sure eventually he’d ask you to have sex with other men. Would you do that (to call his bluff?) or so you can please him?

Also where are the kids when these activities take place?

in the words of Nancy Reagan : just say no.

since his boundaries are crap, yours must be strong.....if that is what you truly want.

no game playing, no what ifs, no nothing. if it feels wrong then don't do it. period. and then keep the boundary strong 100%.

@Noname1987, so how did you feel through all of that, when you called his bluff and allowed your husband's friend to watch you naked in your room? How did you feel afterwards? Did you feel OK with it? Angry? Upset? Hurt?

I agree with the others that this is a very slippery slope... if you give an inch your husband will take it a mile.

I think it may be wise of you to truly figure out where you stand with all of this FIRST, before testing the waters again. You called his bluff this time, and it pleased him immensely, but the real question how did YOU feel about it?

If you are comfortable or OK with doing these things for him, that's one thing and it's totally fine, but if you are NOT, there's a problem here that needs to be resolved. I'm afraid that your husband is going to continue to have all these fantasies, but if actually fulfilling them goes against your own principles, values and comfort level, what are going to do?

I think these are important questions to answer for yourself. You love him and tell us that you have a great marriage otherwise, but there may be an incompatibility here that could become a source of friction in your marriage. Please don't do these things simply to please him and fulfill his fantasies, IF you are truly not comfortable doing them. Your self-esteem could suffer and you may end up resenting your husband for pushing you to compromise your values and self-worth. Just some questions that may help you....

I also think it's very telling that his friend said he would never ask that of his girl or want that of her.

Is it possible you enjoyed it yourself?

Well, he has forever changed the kind of friendship he has with this other guy. This other guy is going to be uncomfortable with him. And you will never really know if your husband told or tells this guy that you were ok with doing this. Then neither of you will know how many people this guy shares this experience with either. Truth is NOW the consequences are beyond your control.

You do understand that he will want more too right? He will want you to even have sex with some other guy while he watches, are you going to call him on that too?

He is using "you" to play a form of catfishing with other men. It's a "control" fantasy for him and he is doing it for the thrill which is more important to him than you and whatever consequences this may have on you.

No, if he asked me to sleep with another guy I would not try to call his bluff. That’s a lot different than letting his friend see me naked. I didn’t say this was my best idea. But it’s done now. But I think you’re right. I’m now pretty sure he’ll ultimately want to watch me have sex with another guy. Which I’m still wrapping my head around. Never though this would be something that would ever come up in our marriage.

And the kids are at grandma’s house this weekend.

I completely agree. Not my best idea in my lifetime. And I’m worried too about if Mark tells other guys we know about it. Like what happens if all of our male friends find out my husband is ok showing my body off. Trust me, I’ve already gone down that path in my head. Still trying to work that out. Maybe ask Mark to keep it private? We’ve know him forever. I would trust him to keep it private. But that would require letting him know that I knew he was out there. And also acknowledging to him that my husband is into this kink. So not sure if I’m ready for that. But it might be better to have that conversation with one guy, rather than have all the guys we hang out with know. I don’t know. But I’m trying to figure that out myself.

I certainly wouldn’t say I enjoyed it. I was freaking out. There is the part of just being a woman and having guy with no stings attached finding you attractive. And it was um, maybe the word is thrilling, I don’t know... it certainly was interesting just being naked for another guy. But I in any way loving it like my husband was. It’s a crazy feeling that’s very difficult to describe. And I’m pretty sure that’s a pretty natural feeling. And every girl like to be attractive which I definitely did feel. But it’s not like if my husband changed my mind I’d be disappointed now in any way. Just being honest about the feelings that came up while doing this. While I was standing there naked, I had the realization that either we go to therapy and try to fix this proclivity in him, or I find a way to enjoy it and we incorporate it into our lives. And if so, how far to go with it. I just always assumed he was going to be the only man I ever had any sexual engagement with for the rest of our lives. So other guys were not in any way on my radar. So it’s a huge 180 degree turn from what our 13 years of marriage has been, the idea of incorporating other men in any capacity. So I’m like trying to wrap my head around that scenario now. Like what would marriage look like if I were the wife other guys got to enjoy. Then I go, “oh, I’d just be a slut then in their eyes”. They may like it, but then I’m just an easy girl they probably wouldn’t have much respect for. Doesn’t sound too appealing for me there. Especially when those men get girlfriends or wives. I’m sure making friends with women would be very difficult if they ever found out. Even if their man wasn’t one of the ones who got to see me. I suppose a couple could arrange for just strangers or something, I don’t know. But I guess that would take care of that issue. But whatever, that’s just saying IF I were to go down that path. It’s not like that’s where I’m leaning or anything. But obviously I had to entertain that scenario. Because I have read about couple that do that, so I suppose it is possible, however unorthodox it may be. Just never thought I’d have to wrestle with it.

So did I enjoy it??? On the level that women are wired to enjoy being seen as beautiful and desirable to other guys, yes. But that’s more of a universal biological mechanism I think, and less-so some sort of proof that I’m “into it” too.

@Noname1987, if you want to learn more about this, it's called candaulism. Which is a sexual fetish involving exhibitionism of one's wife. Here's an article on it for you.

Kinda Cucks: The Men Who Want to Know How You‘d Have Sex with Their Wives | MEL Magazine

I would be very careful around this because he could end up taking innocent naked photos of you and sharing them without you knowing it. It seems as though he's pretty far into this fetish, wanting to involve your gynocologist, a massage therapist, and his close friends even.

Good point about pics. What if those guys take pics of you and post on the Internet? Post them on porn sites? That could cause huge problems. Those could resurface in unexpected places and times. Big price to pay for a little bit of fun.

I am stuck on the one sentence OP said...He kept telling"jokingly" I should flash as a " payment". Husband wants to pay for the work on the car with flashing his wife's naked body??????? IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT.........IMO.