Painful exchange with my supervisor

Idk if that off-the-cuff comment made on the brink of vacation proves that he has changed.

If/when you go back, I suggest that you go with an open mind.

I just wish people knew I'm not a creep.

That great advice

You can work hard to make changes in how you interact with people.. Even people that have told you that like your manager might change his mind over time if he sees you being more mature and not crossing boundaries..

Its not going to be easy it will be hard work for you but its would be a wonderful gift for yourself

Very well said. She has to have her head up while she’s ready to do what’s the best for her and learn. Everyone screw things up sometimes or let us lead for impulses and feelings.

Yesterday, my supervisor called me to ask me what day I'd like to work so he could put me on schedule. I said I still don't feel safe coming back yet and that I'll call him in a few weeks if things improves. Yesterday, we had 30,000 new cases. Today, we are over 31,000. When will things get better? When I call him to return to work eventually (daily new cases under 10,000), I feel a transfer is imminent.

Sometimes I feel like my current supervisor (at McDonald's) is becoming like my former supervisor at Arby's. First off, he made that rude comment right before his vacation. And since I've been on a leave of absence (due to COVID-19), we been on the phone 3 times. He never once asked me how I'm holding up. Yet, I seen him ask my coworkers how they're doing whether they were working or not. I remember when I went into Arby's at the beginning of 2018 (90 days after I got canned), the supervisor there never asked me how I'm doing and never acknowledged that she ever knew me.

I'm tired of being treated like a creep and being accused of obsessing over someone. It feels like looking up to someone or otherwise giving a rats *** about them makes them mad. I know there might be a fine line (more like blurred line) between being nice and being creepy, but where is that line? There's too many grey areas. I can only understand his negative reaction if I was rude, but I wasn't. Likewise, I was never rude at Arby's either. Why is this so hard for me to understand?

Hi Ruby. What does your case worker say? Have you shared what you shared here with us with them? That you don't understand? Perhaps your case worker can help you with this? It's the difference between being professional and being unprofessional, and it seems you struggle with maintaining what are called professional boundaries.

I’d continue working with your case worker and therapist about boundaries and professionalism at work. Keep focusing on that in your therapy and meetings with a case worker

idk if it makes any difference, but right before his vacation, my actual words were that it'd be hard on me not to see him for that whole time he's gone. Is that bad to say?

I'm sorry to say that does strike me as rather too personal to say to a supervisor. It speaks of an emotional connection that isn't considered appropriate in the relationship between a supervisor and supervisee.

It’s inappropriate. I can’t imagine telling my boss that it will be hard for me not to see her when she is on vacation.

You can tell your therapist that you miss your boss. Not telling your boss

Yes, Ruby. I agree with Bill. It’s a very personal remark to do in a profesional context.

I can figure out how bad you feel with such confusion. I understand you feel a little lost.
But, you are doing the right thing by asking yourself questions and going to therapy, working on knowing about boundaries.
So, go ahead.

Don’t be afraid, this supervisor don’t necessarily has to be like the previous one. I guess you feel like the outcast, “the different” but he’s only probably trying to keep boundaries stronger with you. But, you are also changing the knowledge and the attitude toward the situation so there are few probabilities the story happens again the same. Maybe, it’s not gonna be perfect, but changes take time.

How long have you being working for this supervisor?

So far, it’s almost 2 years I’ve been working with him. At Arby’s, my former supervisor stopped liking me after 2.5 years. I would hate for my current supervisor to become like the one at Arby’s.

I understand. So keep your boundaries and act professional. It’s ok to feel certain way, just not ok to share in a work environment. But you can always share with others like you can post here or tell your therapist or someone in your family that you miss your boss. You can express how you feel, just not in that environment and not to that person. Hang in there. You can do it.

You did some pretty specific inappropriate behaviors that caused your supervisor at Arby's not to like you so it stands to reason if you do not repeat these behaviors then you have a better chance of the same scenario also not repeating.

He seems to be already on the way to becoming like that Arby's supervisor. Ever since his spring break vacation, he's stopped liking me. All I said was that it'll be hard not seeing him the entire time he's gone. I didn't know it was wrong to say. Then he was taken aback for a split second and he replied that he won't even think about me once, it was snarky. I asked him where he's going and he only said "on vacation." I told him have fun, he replied snarkily, "I will."

Then during my leave of absence due to COVID, we've been on the phone a few times regarding work. Pls tell me why he never once asked me how I'm doing. He asks my coworkers how they're doing either in person or on the phone.

This is someone who used to like me. I had really hoped that he wouldn't change and start pushing me away, like other ppl did. Before his vacation, he hasn't ever been rude. He's been mad before but never rude. He used to like me and I took a leap of faith to tell him about how Arby's treated me. Guess it didn't stop him from treating me the exact same way, although to a lesser extent (so far).

Also, he called me a few days ago to put me on the schedule, but I had to decline bc coronavirus thing hadn't improved. In fact, it got worse. I wasn't able to get my words out though. All I was able to tell him is that I still don't feel safe working and that I'll call him in a few weeks if things improve.

It was only yesterday when I called him that I was able to get my reasoning out. I said a couple weeks ago (I called on April 10th hoping to be back at work by now), I really thought things would be better by now than it actually is. That's why I thought I could work again and that I didn't mean to mislead him. He just said ok thank you. He never asked me how I'm holding up.

Before, I been out of town for just a week (multiple times) and when I returned every time, he would ask me how I've been. Now it's been a month and he doesn't give a damn. He treats my coworkers alot better. He sure as hell never told them he won't ever think of them once.

I've been cursed with a good heart. That's why I'm always inclined to 1)look up to someone 2)care about ppl 3)be nice AF to them. They respond by calling me a creep and obsessed. Ironically, when I'm just a little less nice to others, they react more positively. That's how I treat most people I meet anyway. I wonder how they'll react if I''m a b---- to them. I haven't treated anyone like that yet.

Ruby the issue isn’t that you are nice. You are but that’s not an issue. I think he might be behaving in cold and distant manner to put boundaries between you two and discourage you from being too personal. If you acted like you have a crush on him and was getting too personal, he can get in trouble if he encourages you. He is maybe sending you a message that you need to keep your distance.

You equate nice with inappropriate. You can be nice but keep your distance. These people aren’t your friends or loved ones, they are your bosses.

He's just alot nicer to my coworkers. He used to be just as nice to me. I just didn't know better. People tell each other all the time they missed so and so at work. That's why I said it'll be hard that he'll be gone for vacation. People sometimes tell their coworkers they missed them. That's why I didn't know I was saying something wrong.

Before I made that comment, he treated me just fine. In fact, during that same day before I made that comment, he was still treating me just like everyone else. Sometimes it only takes one moment for things to go wrong.

BTW, is it normal for colleagues not to ask each other how they're doing? Cuz the ones I care the most about stopped asking me. Yet, I see them ask my coworkers how they're doing whether at Arby's or my current job. idk if my situation is common or not.

You might consider apologizing to your supervisor if it seems that he was offended.

What are your thoughts as to why co-workers stopped saying hello?

Ruby, there are two things I would like to tell you in regards to two points you touched. Excuse me that I don’t use quotes but I’m totally a shame making this work from the phone. I will refer to these two points, using my own words. Hope I am going to make sense.

There’s a point you touched in a post above where you was thinking that when you kind of be not so nice, people seems to like you more.
Isn’t it possible that you are too intense, no matter where. Even in the work context? And when you are more focus on your things and don’t need to receive so much affection or care, they feel more comfortable?

The second point you came out with that things seems well and suddenly from one moment to another, after a remark, their attitude may change, it reinforces me in the idea that your supervisor try to make things correctly, by keeping boundaries.

As Divine has said, you do very well by coming here and talk with us, or your therapist, and even for you alone, writing on a journal your thoughts. Better than sharing with people that in the end, they only belong to your work’s field. And the less they know, the better for you.

Billy, apologizing to her supervisor? Why do you say that? Maybe, I missed something, that’s why I ask.

Ruby said that her supervisor treated her fine until she made that remark. After that the way he treated her changed.

This change suggests he might have been offended by what she said. If he was in fact offended, then an apology is worth considering.

How come colleagues can say to each other, "I missed you at work" and it's ok? How come at Arby's when a coworker was quitting, she told the supervisor, "I'll really miss you" and got only positive response? It's the same supervisor who hates me. And that very same coworker who just graduated high school at that time told her favorite teacher, "I miss you and I love you."

I'll never forget a social media post when another girl my former supervisor used to work with listed all her (the supervisor's) good points and said how privileged she was to have worked with her. She ended the post saying, "Love and miss you." She also got a positive response from that supervisor, the same one who reacted negatively to me,

How come all that was ok but when I told my current supervisor it'll be hard not to see him for 2 weeks, it's not ok?