Can't talk to my wife

I agree with everything you said here.

You guys are right. I know. I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully she goes through with couples therapy and works on herself.

We just got back from vacation. I am too tired to think about it. Thank you all for your help. I really appreciate it. I don't think I would have made it through that without your support.

Do give therapy a chance.

From what you have shared, it sounds like your wife has some very deep insecurity issues. At one point a therapist mentioned she suffers from a disorder right? I think you mentioned body dismorphic issues? It sounds like she genuinely struggles to settle into herself and seeks a lot of attention because she needs it to gain comfort she simply can't find within herself. There is nothing you can really do to fix her disorder either, and yet you keep trying to find ways to not allow it to bother you? You cannot change yourself to fit into something that simply isn't healthy for you guy. That is what you have been doing on this vacation with her, no vacation, no togetherness enjoying a vacation.

This woman you married is not comfortable within herself, won't matter who she is married to. This is similar to your other relationship that came to an end too correct?

I tend to think of a box that people interact in and see who fills it the most, that tends to be a "needy" person who needs constant attention. This kind of person tends to fill the box with themselves, pushing others to the walls of the box or down underneath them on the bottom. A disordered person takes over the box, fills it with themselves guy, that's what you are experiencing on this vacation. If you try to get "normal" and step into the box, you end up with a person who rages and blows up the space in the box fighting to fill that box up again with themself. So you are supposed to learn to feel comfortable pushed to the wall or the bottom of the box? Why, so this person can keep filling the box with themself?

Well, you got out of one box and stepped right into another one with the same kind of person. That is what this vacation is showing you. And you need to get into the woods hoping for SPACE so you are not stuck on the wall or at the bottom of the box?

Something to think about.

I feel sad for you because you want an actual companion and that's not what you have guy. You struggle wanting her to hear you and actually care, but she just fills the box with herself and you are either stuck to the wall or pushed to the bottom. But that is what happens when dealing with a person who is very insecure and struggles to be in "themself". You only get little empty "oh that's too bad" or a pat on your head or some kind of fake "petting". You know, this is also what she does with others right? It's what she needs to keep her at least somewhat grounded and have a sense of relevance.

Even a very attractive woman can have this problem, it's not how they look, it's how they feel and not being capable of settling into their own "self/presence". Hense needing constant attention and praise not just from you but others.

Yes, I need to stand up to her and tell her how I feel. If she's going to be mad at me either way, why not? I need the courage. Hopefully with a therapist there to mediate the talk, I can have time to talk. If she is mad at me afterwards, I can go back next week to the therapist and tell her what happened.

I have a feeling she is going to "miss" therapy. Her anger episodes haven't gotten any better. She has done this before. When we first got married, she was throwing little tantrums all the way up to the day of therapy sessions. All of a sudden, something would come up, or she would say she wasn't feeling good.

3 more days to go. We will see. I just can't get my hopes up. If she doesn't go, I will take the session for myself for my regular EMDR, then try again next week.

I just hope that somehow I gain the courage to stand up to her. I have a feeling it's gonna get ugly.

What may help, IF she doesn't back out of the therapy session, is to remain calm and be matter of fact. It helps if you can remove your own anger and frustration from your tone and from the delivery. At the same time, you can also express that you are frustrated. This way, it helps take the emotion out of it. And if she still chooses to tantrum? Well, she really has an issue with getting any feedback then.

Ok, I will try my best! Thanks!

Well, we did our first couples therapy ina long time. At first glance it seems everything went in one ear and out the other with her. She was upset with me afterwards and said the therapist was picking on her and it's all crap and if she could go back in time she wouldn't have married me. So that's that. Time will tell.

I wilm explain more in detail when I have time.

She said she wished she hadn't married you? OUCH. Are you OK?

Not right now. I have to journal this out. This was hurtful. I let her go first in the session. We spent most of the time on her issues with me. When we got to my side, all I said was that I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with her without feeling like I was being punished for it. She didn't say anything. When we got outside, she was mad. She didn't want me to come with her to pick up her son. She called me a few minutes later on the phone and that's when she ranted on me. She hung up the phone on me. Called me back, said she was sorry she hung up the phone. She ranted some more and hung up the phone on me again. It wasn't until the very end of the night that she made a vague apology for "hurting my feelings".

She proved my point.

I'm sorry.

That is hurtful.

She seems to be very difficult... if not impossible to work with.

I am sorry that your session revolved around your wife. However, it's important to listen to what she shares because you will learn important things about her, things you cannot change. And things she will not want to change in your relationship. This is when you find out if the relationship has any hope to repair or if it's healthier for you to end it. Sometimes, no matter how much we want another person to be "the one" it can turn out to be they simply don't have it in them to ever be "the one".

Thank you for listening. I am hurt. I will be ok. My ex was worse. Ha ha.

I can't tell her that she hurt me and why. She can't handle it.

Yes, I learned that she feels burdened by the fact that the therapist asked her to communicate better. She thought this was all my problem. She probably still does. Nevertheless, I have been married before, she has not. This is basic stuff to me. She is learning from scratch.

I know my insecurities with sexuality are not all her problem. My reactions are my problem, but at this point, I refuse to own any more of her behavior. She is kicking and bucking but refusing to even look at her behavior. This, I know, I cannot change.

From what you have shared guy, she doesn't seem to have any interest in taking responsibility for her part in your relationship challenges. Learning from scatch? Maybe she doesn't want to learn or care to learn and expects others to simply suit HER needs.

Well, I was patient with her and after a week of her anger outbursts she ran out of steam. She finally gave in to telling me when is a good time for her to talk about her issues calmly. We then went for a walk and she presented her problems and let me speak my side and she apologized for her bad behavior.

I am glad I didn't give in all this time and play the puppy dog and cry "what's wrong, why are you mad at me all the time, boo hoo". That's what she really wanted. I thank everyone here for telling me to stand my ground!

I will keep in mind that this is just her being civil in talking about HER issues, and only for a short while. We will see how long this lasts. Also, I still am not going to talk to her about my issues yet, because I don't trust her still. She at leasts knows I refuse to open up. I will be stone cold until she can prove to me she can be an adult and allow me to give her constructive criticism without freaking out.

This is a slow and painful process, but I need to remain together with her as long as I can bear. Thanks again everyone for your great advice, I would have given up otherwise!

So, what did she share with you in this conversation about "herself"?

She shared her issues with me. All misunderstandings in my opinion. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't come and apologize for things that hurt her feelings or explain myself when she thought I screwed up plans "we" made. My problem was that she would rant and rave when she was upset and when I calmly asked her if she wanted to hear what I had to say about it, she would say no or just leave the room or hang up the phone. She was just expecting me to come to her the next day or when she was calm and bring the issue back up which I found bull--- because why is it my job to try and guess when she is calm and ready to talk about HER issues? I tried that once or twice and it backfired on me. I explained in therapy that I need her to tell me when she is calm and ready to talk. She didn't like that the therapist agreed with me. It took her a week to get over this fact. That's when I finally cornered her into telling me that the next morning when she wakes up or when the kids are playing on their ipads or whatever that she wants me to come to her. So that's exactly when, and ONLY when I will come to her. If she is still upset or thinks I should have come to her sooner then that's on her. She can't blame me for coming to her at a bad time.

Got triggered again yesterday. My wife told me that she posted a cry for help on fb, something like, "feeling down blah blah" and this guy who is a single dad responded by calling her on her phone. She set up a playdate for his son and our son and planned on dropping him off at his house after work.

She gave some bs reason why they have eachothers' numbers. She invited his son to our son's birthday a couple years ago but said she contacted him through fb because she didn't have his number. Now all of a sudden she has it mysteriously even though they've never met up playdate or otherwise to my knowledge.

I know that to most people this is a benign interaction, but if you've read this thread you know how sensitive I am to her interactions with singles. She also knows that I like to keep playdate contacts same-sex. So like, if the kid's mom wants to make a playdate, I give them my wife's number and vice versa.

Ironically our daughter had a playdate in the works the same day from a friend who couldn't make it to her birthday party. I gave my wife the mom's number as I always do. She told me that I don't need to do that because she trusts me. She said I know you like to keep parents numbers to the same sex but it's no big deal to her.

Again, it all sounds great to the average person but I am very sensitive because of my past. She seems to know this but just doesn't care. I had to blank out so I didn't react while she is telling me this playdate story. I then had to excuse myself to the restroom and spent 20 minutes in there calming myself down because if she finds out that I am upset she yells at me.

I am dreading this "playdate" because my imagination runs wild if I know she is going to be alone with a single guy at his house even if it's just for a minute to drop our son off. I'm starting to become cynical and wonder what it would be like to be a cheater. I've never come close to cheating on anyone but only because I am horrified by how it feels to be on the other side of it. I've never had to stop flirting with someone because I feel like it's going too far. If I'm attracted to someone or can sense they are attracted to me I always try to cut interactions off immediately.

I feel awful and trapped and I feel like the only one who understands is my therapist. She probably is just patronizing and thinks I'm crazy just like everyone else. I hate this awful feeling.

Have you said point blank that these types of interactions with single men bother you? I think she’s doing as she pleases without regard to how it may make you feel. It’s most insensitive. And if you express your feelings and she yells at you for that? That is very unfair and is toxic behavior. It gives you NO voice, opinion or right to your feelings in the matter. She does as she wants.

So this isn’t a family friend? It’s somebody she met on FB?

You’ve been only married a year so how are you having kids together? Whose son is it? Yours? I’d not allow it. I’d not tolerate it if my husband was meeting women on FB snd go to their houses with MY daughter.

If you don’t know this man, it’s highly inappropriate for your wife to be meeting with him.

My husband has female friends (he is in a traditionally female profession so these are current and former colleagues or former classmates who became friends, he also has mostly traditionally female hobbies so some are hobby group people) but I know them too and he isn’t going around meeting them alone. We do group outings. Me and him and they with their husbands/boyfriends

I agree that her posting about feeling low on Facebook and getting a call from this single male parent is bothersome. And equally bothersome that she made a connection through a play date with the children taking your child to this single male parents home.

So find out the day and time and go with her and make it a point to meet this man.

I did not let my child play with other children unless I first meet the parent. You don’t know who this guy is. Nothing wrong with finding out who he is and meeting him.

Just for clarification, I know who this guy is. He goes to our church. But that's the only connection. I know he likes her because he chats it up with her on facebook. Only when we got married and she posted pictures of our wedding, his likes and comments stopped. Now apparently he's warmed back up to her. Most likely because I quit fb about a month ago. What a coincidence.

Also, we are a blended family is why our kids are older.