Can't talk to my wife

That is not normal behavior. To be hitting things with her hands? Angry all the time? Does she see a therapist? She does need professional help. Maybe even medication.

Taking time off work doesn’t mean you must go on vacation . I’d stay home and read books, do projects and go for walks. No way I’d go anywhere with people acting like it. Nope.

Good point. If she’s so out of control with anger, and you’re dreading and fearing the trip, why go? There should be consequences for poor behavior.

Maybe it’s time to lay everything on the table. Either you shape up, or I’m leaving you and we’re divorcing. Sometimes it takes going there and mentioning divorce for someone to be shaken up.

Well, we already left and spent the first night so we are here far away together. She started to get crazy on me again in the car. I just kept my composure. I wasn't going to let her get me upset. She finally ran out of steam. This is the first time in a long time we are alone no kids for more than a day. Now she is calm and lovey dovey. Nothing really got accomplished but at least she is mellow for now. Ugh.

Thank you guys for listening! I don't think I would make it without your help and suggestions. We'll see where the day goes. Maybe I get to tell her the car ride was unacceptable.

I'm wondering if she was feeling stressed about this trip, too, and handled it by letting out steam? In this case, I'd just focus on enjoying your time, appreciate the "lovey-dovey" as it comes, and let the car scenario go while on vacation.

I would definitely tell her at some point that her behavior in the car is unacceptable. Draw a line with her.

I disagree with just letting it go... she has been ranting and raving at you, is hitting objects and clearly is out of control with her anger. Something needs to be done here. Limits must be set if you two are going to survive.

Well, she had another fit. We are both being civil and guarded right now. Maybe if I brought up the hitting? I don't know what to say without sounding insulting. She was concerned she was going to break something in the rental.

Yes, I think travel stress is a big factor. I do feel better now that we went on a big hike. Like, before I was worried that I would say something I would regret. Then she had another little fit while we were here and I felt much calmer after the hike. I just watched the trees waving in the wind through our window. Very peaceful and serene

Instead of addressing the hitting, how about suggesting activities that may help her feel better? Going for a hike was a great idea. Is there a hot tub or swimming pool.. or little shops to explore? She sounds like she's out of her element and is stressed about. Sometimes the better idea is to just offer options. You're on vacation. You can also split up for an hour and reconnect.. reset?

I think if vacation stresses her that much, it’s not wise to vacation together. If you aren’t interested in ending this marriage, I’d stop traveling with her. I assume vacation costs money. I’d put that money into something else. At the very least I’d insist she seeks psychiatric help or at least therapy before I get in the car with her

She needs to seek some serious medical help. What’s with meltdowns and throwing fits. It’s not normal. Her talking to guys is the least of the problems. She sounds out of control

Tell her she is out of control, she needs professional help, and that you will not tolerate it any longer. That's what I would do.

Well, I didn't get up the courage to tell her to stop her behavior, but she asked me yesterday what I would like to see different in our marriage a year from now. I said better communication and overall improvement on our behaviors. She then asked me if I was still interested in couples therapy. I told her I will ask my therapist to make an appointment when we get back. Weird!

She claims that our last therapist said she couldn't help us because we hit a wall. This is not true. Oh boy. Here we go.

Progress!

So she says something happened in therapy and it really didn’t? She lives in her own reality.

That is progress!

However, I am wondering why you said improvement on our behaviors, when it's her behavior. that is problematic for you? Are you afraid to confront her on the issues you have with her anger, her lashing out at you, hitting things, going ballistic, etc etc?

I think it's a huge positive that she wants to go to couples therapy though. That's big.

I'd think it's to keep things neutral and keep her open in conversation instead of going into defense mode.

I am very direct when there's a problem I have with someone. I believe in being direct and upfront, because if one tip toes their way around an issue, it never gets fully addressed OR resolved.

The problem is not his behavior. It's hers. Perhaps she does have issues with him, but she does not voice it, or at least it hasn't been openly discussed on here what those issues are.

If it were me, I would be telling her that her behavior is unacceptable, that it needs to be addressed, and that she needs professional help. I would insist upon it, or I would insist upon separating if the behavior is to continue. This marriage cannot keep going on the way it is. It is toxic, and it's coming from her behaviors. Normal people do not hit objects in anger and rant on for days on end out of anger. She has issues that need professional addressing.

So I believe in confronting an issue head on, with 100% honesty even if it's brutal honesty.

I think timing and setting is important. They're on vacation and it sounds like guy111 is trying to maintain the peace, and probably for the sake of his own wellbeing?

I think they've both contributed here. From his end, he mentioned about enabling her (am I wrong?) So I'm inclined to think saying "our" behaviour vs. "your" behaviour was smart on his part. They can then discuss in greater detail, with their therapist, what those behaviours are. Just my opinion, anyway.

Yes, I would tend to agree with that perspective generally, but in this case, since she went "crazy" in the cab ride while on vacation already, and her "crazy" came out again, it was a perfect opportunity to say something. Sometimes it almost doesn't matter when or where it happens.... it just has to come out somehow.

Confronting someone who is being "crazy" is not going to de-escalate a situation nor will it bring about any harmony during their vacation. This is her way of dealing with stress and I believe he recognized that. There's a bit of empathy in him around this, at least from what I can tell.

I'd definitely have a discussion around this trip once they're home and are both at baseline. If traveling is stressful for her, it's best not to add to her plate while she's already feeling out of her element, being away from home, and out of her predictable routine. Timing. IMO

I think if going on a short vacation with her spouse causes her to act out, then she either has a serious mental issue that needs to be immediately addressed with medical professional or she should never go on vacation ever again. She isn’t a child. If the issue is her going on vacations, then she knows it by now and should stay home. If she simply isn’t enjoying her husband, she shouldn’t stay married.

Sure we can look for right timing and walk on egg shells and tip toe around abusers for years but clearly this marriage isn’t getting any better. It’s not like she acted out once. She behaved inappropriately the entire duration of their marriage. What is this tip toeing accomplishing besides giving her green light to continue acting out of control. There is zero wrong with telling poorly behaved people to stop their bad behavior.

Of course if it’s unsafe and dangerous to address issues with your spouse, it’s a valid concern. But why would anyone want to be married to someone they are afraid of?

Yes, exactly. I am always all for any improvements I can make on myself anyways. I wish more people were like that. These forums would be alot more empty.

It's more of the social/flirtatious stuff that bothers me. But any time we talk about that stuff she gets defensive and that's when her anger shows. But I am afraid of confronting her, period. Everything is always my fault. It's always denial with her. She admits her anger issues and will occasionally apologize. Problem is, I have never brought it up to her as an issue, only the sexual stuff. Yet, somehow she can't seem to get it in her head. It's like, if your spouse always left the toilet seat up/down and you keep bringing it up and they say, sorry for leaving dishes in the sink.

She sounds abusive, to be perfectly honest. If you're afraid to confront her and if everything is always your fault in her mind, she is abusing you.

Being afraid to confront ones spouse is a sure sign of unhealthy marriage.