Explosive Anger

Hope, I have some concerns for your safety. I would recommend you not record him. If he is irrationally angry it could push him from being verbal to coming after you physically.

You said you plan to leave if he explodes again. Please have a plan in place to stay safe when you leave.

You might be right. When suggesting recording, I didn’t think of safety concern.

Yeah I don't know. This is all SO upsetting to me right now. Yesterday I was so depressed over this, I could hardly work. I went to bed early, with no intimacy like we had planned on. I couldn't be intimate, so I went to sleep.

Blessings to you, Have Hope. I wish you success and peace in your plan.

My husband is not explosive, but it's a steady stream of negativity, insult and criticism. I truly empathize and extend the warmest hugs.

Thank you, dear. I appreciate the well wishes and blessings.

I am so sorry you deal with that -- that wears on a person after a while. Please don't let him ruin your self esteem!!! What he thinks is not the reality of things. I have found that countering a positive about yourself against his negative criticism helps!

Same with my own husband's explosiveness. I'm so done with it. It's worn on me, and this was the last straw.

I just hope I can find the courage to actually end it if and when it happens again. I am worried I won't have the strength or courage.

Yesterday I was deeply depressed, and now I just feel anger and resentment. I've heard and have been told by therapists that depression is anger turned inwards.

So now I am simply just angry.

How dare he treat me that way, and then turn around and do a complete 180, telling me how much he loves me? I am not feeling it. Just four days ago he blew up at me and treated me the opposite. How can he possibly say he loves me SO much? This is too much of an up and down emotional roller coaster ride, and I want OFF.

I am very bitter. Happy anniversary to us.

What is concerning to me -- well, there are several things here -- but he was able to keep in check this explosiveness for six months... and then it resurfaced and reared its ugly head. Should I feel hopeful that he can actually contain it deliberately and consciously, or do I feel hopeless that he really cannot contain himself? I do not know which to feel right now.

All I know is that his explosion on me, and then him turning it around on me by accusing me of having the anger problem - when all I did was react to his yelling, leaves me feeling like we're all the way back at Square 1 again, and that it's hopeless.

If he cannot see or acknowledge that it's HIM, that HE is the one with anger issues, not ME, then how can he even get help for this? He has to admit to it first, and he has not, to date.

He DID say that he was sorry for "causing" the fight the other day. So at least there was that acknowledgement.

How much do you tiptoe around, on eggshells, lest he explode?

In a calm moment can he acknowledge any areas of concern in himself?

I don't exactly tiptoe around him.... he hasn't exploded on me like this in 6 months. But he does fight with me on some issues, and I stand my ground.

But to be honest, I am physically shaking right now. My PTSD is seriously triggered, and so now, yes, I am afraid of his reaction to what I pasted below.

I just wrote him this text:

You accuse me of having an anger problem, when you’re the one who exploded on me and started yelling at me over a hairbrush and a simple question I asked of you. I told you I will NOT tolerate you yelling at me and I will NOT tolerate you treating me that way. You have explosive anger issues. And if you don’t own up to that and maybe even get help for it, then we cannot work out as a couple.

Good for you speaking up. I hope he reads and takes it to heart

thank you.

He has not replied yet, and I am still shaking in fear and trepidation. I am glad I said this though. Very glad. It had to be stated, regardless, and now is as good a time as any to let him know where I stand, and what I am thinking. He needs to know.

I am concerned that you feel fear. More like anxiety?

Do you feel you aren’t free to say whatever you feel to him?

When my PTSD gets triggered, I physically shake. I cannot tell if it's fear or if it's anxiety. It's hard to discern the difference, but I think I was a bit fearful of his reply (ie, more anger directed at me?), and fearful/anxious that I would have to tell him goodbye.

When he does get angry and yells, my PTSD gets triggered and I shake. I know that's not a good sign or a healthy dynamic.

He did reply just now. I've made it 100% clear that if this happens again, we're going to have a serious problem, ie, I am leaving him. I hope he read in between the lines that that's what that means, but he apologized again, took ownership of the fight on Friday and claims it won't happen again. I have yet, however, to hear him acknowledge that he has explosive anger problems. He did not reply to that part of my text.

At least I drew the line and told him where I stand. That makes me feel a little better. He had no idea that i had been harboring these feelings over the last several days - at least now he knows he pushes me away whenever he does this to me. I told him he cannot treat me that way. Period. And that yes, it makes me distance myself from him.

So we'll see what happens. Ugh. What a way to enter into your wedding anniversary: with an ultimatum.

Mostly, I feel I can say whatever I feel to him, but I feel safer doing it via text and not in the heat of the moment. If it's in the heat of the moment, it doesn't work. And over text, it's just easier sometimes because then he can't get angry and start another fight.

He's a difficult personality - very difficult at times. Our marriage has its set of joys and its own set of problems - for a portion of our marriage, I have wondered if I made a big mistake. And I am willing to walk away if I must. I know my boundaries of respect and I know what a healthy relationship looks like. I will not allow myself to be abused. So I know where I stand at least. And he does too. So, we'll see if he can pull it together and keep his anger in check. At least I don't feel like I am holding all of this inside now. At least I have shared with him exactly how I feel.

I am awake with thoughts about my marriage. It is 3 AM and I cannot sleep. Ugh.

I really hope this changes things for the better. I really don't want to have to get a divorce. I took my marriage vows seriously. Very seriously. But I also take maintaining my self-respect, having healthy and positive mental health, and having a positive, healthy relationship even more seriously.

I don't know if he can pull this off. He seemed receptive and conciliatory yesterday about it, taking ownership of what happened, but not of his anger/rage issue. He did not acknowledge to me that he in fact, has a problem. He ignored that part of my text. He also seemed to get defensive when I asked if yelling at one another is what he is used to in relationships -- because I am not.

I also know that he had a most toxic relationship with is ex wife, and he blames it all on HER being abusive. But I know after being with him now for long enough that he was a part of the problem too. I don't think either of them treated each other well.

And I admit something here. We got married rather quickly. I always say and advise people to SLOW down and take their time, and mainly because when I haven't taken my time in my own relationships, it's caused trouble for me -- and sometimes, a LOT of trouble.

And here I am, now in a troubled marriage. We got engaged after 7 months of knowing each other, and married after just over one year together. I know other people who have been engaged quickly too, so it doesn't always necessarily spell trouble. But I do know from experience that slower is healthier and better overall.

I guess with me, I had reached an age where I knew what I wanted and didn't see the necessity to wait. Plus he wooed me like crazy for those seven months, and I fed into the romance of it all. How foolish of me, now that I see the position and trouble I am in. How utterly foolish. I had wanted to get married for so long, and here was a handsome and seemingly wonderful man swooping me off my feet wanting to marry me. And prior to him, I had had my heart destroyed. I wanted the fairytale, and a fairytale it was, at the time.

I should have known better. I kick myself now. Hard to take your own advice, but easier to say from afar and when you're not in the situation yourself. That's for sure.

So I sit here in the dark at 3 AM pondering the future of my marriage. And I guess I do not have high hopes right now since he slid backwards into the old habit again. Who's to say he won't do this again? And I will have to follow through on my firm words next time.

I also notice other little things that are bothersome: like he makes mean jokes at me. I always call him out on it and protest saying "that was mean" and "please don't joke in that way". Last night he "joked" that I am full of "hatred" for other people. Then he started to list the individuals I complain about to him, and rightfully so, I feel some amount of hatred towards certain people, like my boss who is trying to undermine me at work. But generally, I am one of the most loving and caring people IRL, so I took great offense to him saying I am hateful. I told him that's a put-down, that I don't see the humor in it, and please (once again) don't joke with me in that way. His response? "I can't do anything right".

I just don't know right now. And I wish I could freaking sleep and not be up worrying about my marriage.

I empathize with getting married too quickly. Mine was a Jan to June romance and then marriage. I felt like it was a bait and switch that I never saw coming. He went from kind and caring to angry overnight.

My courtship and wedding was like a fairytale. Then real life problems set in, like he was extremely stressed and angry about his job and took it out on me by neglect.

This may be much more common than you think.

My son, who is anxious about dating and relationships, asked if there’s always going to be some huge problem between any two people in a relationship. It breaks my heart that he is so scared. I think I do know some people that have no major problem, but mostly everyone I know does.

Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear that.

We all deserve kind and caring behavior, not their anger.

I hear you. I figured I must not be feeing alone with this. I am very sorry that your husband takes out his anger on you. You don't deserve that. Everyone just wants love.

My husband showed very little of this before marriage, but there were some inklings. When it did happen before we married, I told him "I will only marry you on the condition that you never raise your voice at me". And he promised he would not. Then things were fine with us.

However, then we fought on our wedding morning, and just beforehand - again, initiated by him raising his voice at me. I was thinking on our wedding day, and in the several days before, that this was a BIG mistake, but I didn't back out because I felt it as far too late (again, more complications causing me to hesitate and still move forward).

A couple of times during our marriage, during the troubled times, I have wondered what would have happened had I backed away at the first red flag warning sign, whom I may have met instead, and where I'd be today. But I know those are pointless thoughts that lead to nowhere.

I also want to reiterate here: that for the past six months prior to Friday, I had been feeling happy and our relationship was relatively stable. He was his loving, endearing and affectionate self, and fighting was at a real minimum. When we did argue, he didn't yell. I was feeling very hopeful and positive about our relationship. Then WHAM! The sh-it hits the fan again.

Some behaviors are just behaviors and habits snd could be adjusted but some behaviors are just who the person is.

People can try to mold themselves and make changes, but it won’t change who they are at their core, so they are very likely to always relapse... because people are who they are (unless someone is very young and still growing)

It’s hard to tell what’s a habit and what’s person’s true nature until we know them for a long time. But even then it’s hard to tell. Hard to tell what habits and behaviors you can live with and what behaviors are absolute deal breakers until you reached that point and can apply it to future relationships. It’s not easy to navigate all that.

You don’t have to make a decision to leave or stay. When you are ready, then you make a decision. For now you can just observe and see how things go. No need to kick yourself or think “what if”. One never knows.

Thanks, Divine. I appreciate your supportive comments.

No, it's not easy to navigate at all. And it's not easy to discern what is his true nature and personality vs a habit, like you mentioned.

I do have my dealbreakers. And honestly, if I could have left him months ago when this really was bad, I would have. I did not have the means at the time, but I had reached a breaking point right after our wedding then suddenly, things greatly improved for the next six months.

I don't have a LOT of hope right now -- a tiny bit, a sliver. It's troublesome that he still will not admit to having an anger problem.

And his "joke" towards me last night? About me being "hateful"? I realized this morning that just yesterday, I had used that word to describe HIS behavior towards ME last Friday. The same exact word -- so he was projecting his issue onto me, which he does now and again. He projects and deflects all his own issues onto me.

There is only so long that I can take that. If he cannot own up to this behavior and problem on his end, I cannot work with that, it IS a dealbreaker, and this will unfortunately end in divorce. Right now, I feel very trepidatious.

And I am most angry at myself for not putting two and two together last night with his projection and mean joke. I wish I had called him out on it. I am getting far better at calling him out, and I didn't have this realization until this morning. The last thing I am is a hateful person.

I did expect a mixture of treatment in a marriage. It ebbs and flows. Some of the ways he took his anger out on me didn’t bother me at all. Other ways have been my ruination.

I agree it sounds like he used the same critical word and threw it back on you.

You describe that he gets anxious and yells at you, but then he’s capable of going 6 months and acting nice. So that’s the pattern that is forming. You told him the yelling is unacceptable. Hopefully you can find a way to squash the problem when it happens again. It probably will. But if you have a plan and both stay calm, you can beat this!

Yes, he did....

And yes, it seems to be the pattern. I do have a plan. Just spoke with a close girlfriend, my best friend, at length about it. I know my limits!!! I will try to stay calm, thanks, but right now, I just feel an enormous and overwhelming amount of sadness.