Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

When people behave poorly towards others or even being abusive, it doesn’t always mean they don’t love you or don’t care if they will lose you. Of course sometimes outwardly showing their love could be manipulative but it could also be genuine love. They can love us and still be jerks or be unwell mentally or be addicts or be bad partners. That’s why relationships are hard. People might love us but still be simply wrong for us.

Not saying your husband is wrong for you. Just exploring how things might be hard even when there is love

PS I’d focus on actions. What’s the person do that is loving? I don’t mean declarations of love like words or stickers. Those are not actions, those are words. They could be genuine of course but what exact actions indicate that the person deeply cares and wants to improve? . I’d focus on actions

Yeah.. you make some good points, thanks Divine!

He actually does a lot that shows he loves me - and actions, not just words. Every single day he's doing something that shows me his love. So I guess it truly is genuine.

Look into object constance. It talks about this.

Are you talking about lack of object constancy as people with NPD and BPD often experience?

That’s great!

It is. When I really think about it, he does a lot. He's frequently doing sweet things for me, whether it's picking up something from the store I may like, giving me a much needed back massage, washing my car for me, cooking a nice meal for me, or buying me fresh flowers because he knows I love flowers, he's usually doing something nice to keep me happy. I do value and treasure that about him.

Yep, that would be it. I'm not sure if it's limited to NDP and BPD though.. ?

My partner does as well but what I find off putting is that there's motive (fear, guilt, manipulation) in it. Do you think he's doing all these wonderful things because he loves you or because he's afraid and is momentarily putting his best foot forward so you can both feel better about the situation?

I don’t find that. He’s always been this way with me. Sure, a part of it may be in part to keep me and based partially on a fear of losing me. But I think he genuinely loves me too.

Usually children by age 4 have object constancy. Normally developed adults with no personality disorders would for sure have that, I’ve only read that people with cluster B personality disorders might be lacking it.

Is that not called object permanence? It's similar and developed at a very young age.

Can one lack object constance due to childhood trauma and NOT have a personality disorder?

I don’t think someone would go to great length to do things for a person if there was no love. Unless of course there is an agenda like someone is a gold digger or someone hopes to get a green card lol Normal people don’t have an agenda to act like they love someone

It’s the same concept. Same idea.

I don’t know. I can’t tell for sure. Yes I guess childhood trauma can cause things. Childhood trauma could indirectly cause personality disorders too (along with other factors like genetics etc)

I'm sure there are reasons.. codependency issues, financial support, relationship perks, etc

What Is Object Constancy And How Does It Affect People? | Betterhelp

It’s explained how object permanency and object Constance are related

Ya, I actually created a post a while back abou this.. I think in NDP

Yeah but how many people would be faking love for mundane reasons? Finances sure big reason, but one better be rich. People do fake that for wealth. But wealth isn’t that common. Relationship perks of being with someone you don’t love? Not too many I’d say

They may be lying to themselves. They may be afraid of being alone and will hold onto a relationship for various perks until someone better and more promising came along.

Sometimes it's not about wealth but being in a relationship because one cannot financially sustain themselves, independently.. depends on where they live and cost of living.

Good points

I'm a bit bitter today because I had a similar conversation with my partner late last night. All these hypothetical examples are real life scenarios for him. It's hard to believe his "genuine" love for me when there's so many factors that would prevent him from leaving this relationship.. none of which has anything to do with me, personally. I'm feeling wounded.

Sorry for the hijack!

What exactly are u saying? Are u implying he’s using me and doesn’t truly love me? How would you know? You’re not in this relationship. I’m taking offense now. If you’re taking about your own relationship dynamic that’s one thing. But you can’t assume he doesn’t love me.

Please stop this negative path you’re on. I really do not appreciate it. You don’t know me. You don’t know my husband. All you know is what I’ve stated in this thread and/or others. Perhaps you’re projecting you’re own relationship issues onto my situation.

Yes and you’re projecting your own wounds onto my relationship.

I'm sorry!! With this I was not at all talking about you or your husband. I was just responding to Divine's thoughts. It was hypothetical reasons and not reasons personal to you.. which is why I furthered up with a following response. Sorry for the confusion.

Ok. I was responding to Divine and got carried away. My thoughts were strictly based on why someone would stay in a relationship without love.. and not specifically about you and your situation.. hence the "hijac" comment. My apologies.