Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I see. Ok. Thank you for clarifying. Let’s stick to my own relationship and no hypotheticals. I need to stick to what is real.

My husband shows me in many ways that he loves me. I am not wealthy but I make a very good living. I’m sure that comfort may be a part of the equation for him but I highly doubt he’s putting on an act of love in all these various ways and is just using me. Let’s put that to rest.

I created this thread because I may have to leave my husband. What is tough is there is a lot of love and affection between us. I've talked about how we snuggle close every single night, regardless of having intercourse or not. He kisses me goodbye every morning. He talks baby talk around me all the time to show me his affection and love, and he uses adorable nicknames for me.

There IS something special between us. This part would be very difficult and painful to leave.

It’s a disgusting despicable reason to stay in a relationship. If decent people can’t afford cost of living and can’t sustain themselves, they get second jobs and get roommates.

I don’t believe have hope’s husband is with her for those reasons. He sounds like a bit of a difficult person, which isn’t uncommon but I doubt those scenarios of financial dependency apply to her situation

I wasn’t really asking anything. It was a rhetorical question “why would someone pretend to love someone else” as it pertains to have hope’s situation where he clearly loves her.

Yes. He does. He has said to me many times over that I am his "dream girl", that he's "so lucky" to have me, that he "cannot imagine life without me" and I am his "panda bear for life." That's one of the endearing names he calls me. And when I am sad, upset or depressed, he always tries to cheer me up.

I understand. I said I was responding to your "thoughts", generically speaking. I didn't mean to offend. Please lets let this confusion rest.

My apologies, again.

I wore a necklace yesterday that was given to me by an ex abuser. What's strange is that I had terrible dreams all night about that ex abuser, while wearing the necklace still. Weird. That's the first time that's happened. It was disturbing and upsetting.

My heart feels heavy this morning. Nothing new there, but I felt better yesterday. I guess this is how it's going to be for now -- carrying a heavy heart with loads on my mind.

A part of me realized I am also scared of giving this ultimatum -- I mean, he loves me, yes, but what if he doesn't fight for us and fight for me? That will say a LOT about how he feels IF he's not willing to fight for it and to do anything I ask to salvage the marriage. I also realize that he may just not be capable of the work and of facing himself. He may rather continue living his life in denial and walk away from me and the marriage to salvage and preserve his false self image.

I also have to prepare for THIS possibility.

I finally have a therapy appt tomorrow and it cannot come soon enough.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. Is it virtual?

I’d not necessarily call it an ultimatum because you didn’t tell verbatim what will happen. You said you’ll have a problem or something like that. He didn’t ask what you meant and you didn’t specify. So I’d not worry now that you must leave if he acts out again. On the other hand if you think he understood it as an ultimatum then it’s tricky. If he relapses and you don’t leave then he’ll know he can do pretty much anything and you’ll still be there. Ultimatums are tricky. I gave an ultimatum once and followed through but i think deep inside I was one foot out anyways and was pretty much giving myself a permission to leave. It makes decision making easier.

I’d run by a therapist and see what they think. They might even have ideas on how to approach your husband so he improves his behaviors

It's a phone appt with the therapist -- not video or virtual.

Well, that's not quite accurate. Let's put it this way: I set the stage already for giving him an ultimatum. I told him on no uncertain terms, "I don't want this ever happening again -- not ever. I will not tolerate it any further. The next time this does happen, we are going to have a serious problem".

So next I will say, "now we have a serious problem. Either you get help, or I am leaving you."

And I will inform him that it was a condition of mine for marrying him that he never raise his voice at me again. He promised he would not, and he's broken that promise many times. I will tell him I've had it, that I will no longer put up with it, and I am out the door if he doesn't seek help. I've already set the stage many times over for saying this to him. So it should come as no real surprise to him.

And I will leave if he doesn't agree to seeing a therapist. Something broke in me the last time this happened, a little over a week ago. Something snapped and I know I am at the end. He's raised his voice at me too many times now. And I'm done. It's purely toxic, and I know I cannot exist in that kind of relationship for long.

Oh now I see. It sounds like yes you are right, he was given pretty clear guidelines what to expect and what he needs to do. Good luck with therapy

Yes, he definitely was! So, this should not come as a huge shock when I tell him I am done and will leave.

And thanks very much..... I really need a therapist's input and support on this. I hope he can help.

He’ll again @Have Hope ; I’ve been following your posts and I commend you for finally standing up for yourself and not allowing the yelling to continue if it’s abusive and you definitely can not tolerate it anymore.
I’m very curious to know what brought you to this turning point now. Besides the fact that he has been a thoughtful, loving husband, and after all the other times you’ve tolerated his behavior before, What is it that broke in you last time he yelled at you?

Thank you for saying that.

It's not that I have tolerated it all this time. I was going to leave him 6-8 months ago and planned on it. I told him before and after we married that I will not tolerate it. So I planned on leaving him. Then things improved, and I became hopeful and happier and more settled. Then, it happened one more time, and I am back to planning on leaving him.

I have zero tolerance for abuse. You must understand this about me. I will not put up with it in my marriage. Period. I did not wait to get married all these years to then end up being abused.

I have a very strong sense of self respect and self worth. That's why I will NOT tolerate it.

Hope, you know the most important are actions. Actions are the proof. If he takes responsibility for his anger issues it’s a good start. If you see he doesn’t see it, there’s the problem.

Sadly, I know this. If he cannot own up to it, I have to leave.

What I’m worried about is that you seem to be scared of telling him. Am I wrong? Noone deserves to live with fear.
I’ve been all my life since my adolescence with fears. Fears to be socially inept. And it’s so hard.
I guess you feel kind of similar since from your posts I knew you had PTSD.

Well, my PTSD gets triggered when he yells at me. So I'm worried about being able to firmly tell him this when my PTSD is triggered.

I am scared only because I fear he won't fight for us or for me and that means the marriage needs to end. I do love him still. Even though that love has waned, I do love him.

I am in a weird emotional mind-F right now. Today I wrote to a close girlfriend of mine, seemingly all happy and bouncy one minute, then telling her what a wreck I am in the next. My emotions are going haywire.

I'm very frustrated. I went to Facebook support groups for women in abusive relationships, and I'm getting bad advice. One woman suggested I stop talking to him, that I sleep in a separate bedroom and stop communicating with him entirely. Not what I wish to do right now, and NOT helpful.

Then a close girlfriend suggests that I not mention divorce the next time this happens, and to leave it open ended if he doesn't get help? How would that make any changes? That is no longer an ultimatum.

Why can't people outside of PC just support me in my plight? I wasn't looking for advice on how to approach this. I already have a plan. I was looking for moral support!

It's just really frustrating - I feel like women who are also in abusive relationships are of no help. Again, I am talking about these Facebook groups where I am trying to get support.

And my girlfriend? She's telling me not to grieve right now. I just don't understand some people. I AM grieving. This is my process. This is what I am going through right now. I am preparing myself mentally and emotionally to have to leave him, and naturally, I am in part grieving over that right now. Why is it SO hard for people to just support someone? Not talking about PC.

I will mention divorce because I will leave him if he doesn't get help. That will be my next step.

I don't see any other way to approach this when I'm at the end of my rope, and when I told him we would have a serious problem IF it happens even one more time.

Last night, he tried to downplay our fights. He tried to claim that we've had only 5 real fights. We've fought a LOT more than that. I think he's prepping himself to claim that he doesn't cause problems in this relationship. He's already rewriting history. He's downplayed the fights that happened on our honeymoon too.

I don't see how this is ever going to improve. He's already battling to rewrite history. I think he will deny he has a problem and will refuse therapy and then I will have to leave.

sending hugs

Is he seeing fights as something different than how you see it? Are those fights or disagreements? Some couples fight a lot and don’t consider it a fight, just business as usual. Or he thinks fights are some extreme things? If your husband previously had volatile marriage, what you guys have he might just view as minor bickering