[kimmydawn]

Do y'all find it that so much of the time, problems in relationships don't necessarily come from something in particular that you yourself has done wrong, but from what the other person's expectations are that you've not met?

For instance, self-care and maintenance is NOT doing something wrong. However, do you find it that often times, those that we're in relationships with treat us as if it *is* something wrong to do...and that we've personally wronged them by doing it?

At first, do you find yourself anxiously going around in circles apologizing and making excuses for something you shouldn't have to? Do you then find yourself justifiably angry that you've had to, taking on the role then, of the injured party when there really didn't have to be one?

Does it leave you feeling misunderstood and unaccepted, or accepted only in the "fair weather" analogy...conditional love?

Yeah??? Me too! It can hurt.

I then think of the many here, many times over that may get frustrated, feel confusion or initial hurt, etc. However, they get frustrated for me, or at the situation and don't take it out on me because I'm not doing what they think I should. They *accept* what I'm telling them, NOT AS AN EXCUSE, but as a reason. Amazingly of all, they love me still even though they might feel frustration, hurt, confusion, or even anger. I'm thankful for that, and I wish for that in real life as well.

I'm thankful for that because it all boils down to the fact that I can only do what I can do. Those in my life are going to accept me or not, no matter if I use an excuse, use flat-out, in-your-face honesty, run around in circles trying to do, please or make-up. I fall short because I can *never* be completely what another person wants me to be. I'm not a programmable robot or a reflection of thoughts, wants and needs. I am me...real. Being that, I'm gonna screw up. I'm gonna get exhausted. I'm gonna shut down to do self-care so that I can continue being. I'm going to be unpredictable, and indeed sometimes a disappointment to another, because I'm not any of those above things.

What I find the most difficult is that it hurts so much to feel the wrath of another, or the conditional love of another, because I *need* to take care of me, or because my best isn't good enough.

I'm then find myself indignantly standing on my moral high-ground, desperately trying to cling to boundaries.

I've had very few people unconditionally accept me, warts and all (in real life, of course), good times and bad, so close we finish each others sentences to talking maybe once a month for a bit, etc., knowing that they or I is in so much pain that we can't see the others for a bit but it's only temporary and they would if they could.

Where does it end? I mean, acceptance is a HUGE part of it, but there's more too. When you're like me (internalize to regroup and refuel because I use so much doing and giving), how can you give what another needs just as much as you...when you literally and figuratively don't have it?

Basically, how do you juggle the opposing needs in a relationship when they're simultaneously needed? If I go ahead and take my time, am I being selfish and inconsiderate of the other that I care deeply about when they need just as much but in different ways?

How do I help them see that I care *very much* that they have fresh, cool water to drink, but my well is temporarily dry...not by choice and that I'm waiting for a good, hard rain just as much or more than they are...that I live and breathe sharing and giving? Mostly, though, how do I handle the hurt and anger, when they walk away from my well letting me know that they feel it's something I can control or have purposely done...like I can control the rain or produce magically some water out of thin air. It's not their fault that they need drink and are thirsting, not my fault that I have no water. Why can't it be accepted even if it is frustrating?

I've come a LONG way in knowing that I can only be what I can be. Still though, it hurts to be accused, tried, then convicted, ultimately forced to serve the sentence for things I have zero control over.

Can anyone relate???

KD

[CJR520]

I know exactly where you are coming from! In my situation, I am just sticking to what I know is right, and the rest of the population can just deal with it this time. I am usually the one to give in, and try to make peace for everyone else when I haven't done anything. Like doing family meals to try to get others back together who are angry at each other. Sorry, not this time!! I have good longtime friends to stick by me, and I don't need the messes that others are making at this stage in my life.

[kimmydawn]

Right. Thank you for sharing your experiences there.

It sounds like you're in a very good place in your understanding of what you should be doing and can do. That's awesome!

I think I am too.

How do you handle it, though CJR, when you're blamed for not doing what those people have come accustomed to you doing or expect you to do?

Part of me knows that I'm doing right and tries to stand on that fact. The other part of me feels hurt that another would get angry with me for doing what I need to do...whether they understand it or not. That's when I begin to feel uncared for, or only cared for in what it is I *can* do.

Thanks again for sharing.

KD

[AAAAA]

Kimmy,

I think the some of the problems with self-care come from the guilty feeling. It's hard to explain, but I know exactly what you're talking about. It's a circle basically.

Christmas shopping for example. I HATE crowds, I get anxiety attacks and I'm generally not good company to be be around in these situations. But my husband likes to get out and go on a moments notice. Anyway, he said he was running to Green Bay to pick up some things (It was a Packer weekend, so in addition to the holiday shoppers, the town is crowded with football fans) and he asked if I wanted to go. That simple "Honey, I'm going to run to Green Bay, I'd like you to come along if you would." I said no I'd rather not.

In reality the conversation ended there, but in my mind, I hear him saying things like "you never want to go anywhere anymore" and of course I'm responding with "duh, you've known that for years." Over and over. So I'm sitting there getting really irritated. He ended up not going, which made me even more angry. I assumed it was because I didn't want to go, and I knew that he'd ask me to go again the next day.

Sure enough, the next day comes, he asks and I say no (and since I knew this was coming I was not very pleasant). He asks what's wrong. I say "I think it's really messed up that you made plans to go somewhere and just because I don't want to go, you won't go. I see it as emotional blackmail." (Remember I've been fighting with him mentally for the past 24 hours getting more and more worked up.)

Turns out, the reason he didn't go the day before was because he'd called Baskin Robbins and the kind of ice cream I like was not in stock, but they'd have it the next day. He didn't stay home because I didn't go, he stayed home because he wanted to surpise me with ice cream.

So now I feel like a total ***! 1) I'd been mentally screaming at him for a day 2) I'd been snapping his head off anytime he said anything to me because I thought he was annoyed that I wouldn't go with him. 3)He's sitting there with NO clue why I'm so mad at him and 4)Generally being an ungrateful b with an ich.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that we tend to project what WE think those around us expect from us. And we set that bar pretty high, too high to reach. So it's a combination of our own frustration at not being able to be our own idea of Supermom, Superwife, Superemployee (which none of them really expected to begin with) and the imagined disappointment in us, then we throw in the "how dare they..." When they didn't dare to begin with.

[kimmydawn]

Thank you so much for sharing. Oh my gosh, how I can relate to that!!! That is almost a regular response by me. Well, was anyhow. I still do it, but have learned to vocalize more for clarification. In therapy, I learned that I thought I had the same sixth sense you did that day, but most importantly, I thought that others had it with me as well...that they could read my mind to...despite my actions and everything else that were to the contrary. I so get that, and do that still. In fact, I have to work hard not to do that.

I think that's part of what's bothering me in my relationship with my husband and child right now, but what I'm more referring to here is, for instance, my mother.

Statements like, "You do for everybody and their brother, but I don't seem to be on that list at all" really get to me. When she follows it by "emotional punishments" and restrictions and dismissals, it hurts. I'm referring more to the blatant, and where there are no assumptions on my part.

That's going on here, and then some, and when it's with people you care about so much, it really hurts all the more, I think.

Thank you again for sharing, because it just jerked a knot in my tail about something I have going on with hubby right now.

KD

[AAAAA]

Aw, (((((Kimmy))))), I'm so sorry to hear that about your mother. I can totally relate!

My grandmother did not raise my mother or my Aunt, her youngest son however the sun would rise and set on his behind. My mom and Aunt's dad died when my mom was 12, and her brother's father was .... well a self-centered, egotistical, arrogant ***. He was not kind to my mom and Aunt and they went to live with their grandmother.

When grandma first became sick, my mother and I stayed with her at the hospital for a month, then my mother had to return to work, and I stayed there (as a favor to my mother, I was not close to this woman she was very cold)for then next month.

All their life, it was son this and son that. He couldn't come see her in the hosptial because he was too "busy". But she complained endlessly to my mother. The hospital was three hours from where they lived, but if she wasn't there exactly three hours after she got off work on Friday night my grandmother would yell "WHERE WERE YOU!"

My mother was getting exhausted and we had just lost my father a few months before, so she wasn't in the best mental condition to deal with her. I would tell her "mom, just stay home, I've got this covered, I'm not going to have you in the hospital too." But no, my mom ran herself ragged to take care of a woman that did virtually nothing for her.

I'm assuming that your mother was actually a mother to you. And even in that case, you have to take care of yourself! You have so many things going on right now (praying for good news about your daughter) that your mom is just going "get what she gets and like it".

There's no shame in prioritizing. You have to take care of yourself first, so that you can then in turn take care of your daughter and her baby. Then comes hubby. Mom's just going to have to be happy with 5th right now.

[kimmydawn]

That was sooooooo cool of you to do! I can relate with your mother on several levels, there. I'm so glad you were there for her even though she couldn't accept as much as you would've liked her to.

I'm really not bashing mom. I've come to understand and respect so much about her, and swore that I wouldn't make a "hate mom" thing when I made this post.

I see her now as an amazingly strong person, and I so wish I could be there for her more than I am.

Several months ago she found out she needed to have her gallbladder removed and put it off...even with a stone "flirting with her liver". She put it off so that daughter could do some better first.

It's just so hard. She's put it off for the right reasons in her mind, but then got more and more frustrated with me as things didn't ease up here.

She finally scheduled her surgery and it's just 10 days after my daughter's. She scheduled it before we even knew daughter had to have surgery.

She's made several comments lately like I can control what's going on here and should be doing more there. Only God knows how I would if I could. Well, now she's just angry and hurt and I understand it. I truly do. I don't blame her; I'd be kinda ticked at the world too.

She's gone ahead and made plans for everything and resenting that I've not done more than I have.

I then have her angry with my because I need help with my nephew for a few days through this surgery time. She thinks should be able to control that as well. I went into this surgery running on empty. I simply needed help with him.

A couple of days ago she really "let me have it", and it hurt...both of us wanting to be accepted by the other and have what the other couldn't give and it was hard. I understood where she's coming from while wishing she'd know that I would if I could. It was just hard.

At the same time, friends of my hubby called him to tell on me...how I wouldn't answer the phone for them and they needed me to come and fix their printer. So, I had to call them and apologize to them because of it and she gave me down the road for not answering the danged telephone! I wondered when I hung up just what the heck was I apologizing for and why would hubby want me to???

I pray daily that it works out that I have a full 24 hours with mom during and after her surgery.

It was just a bad day. I still want to "run away".

Thanks again, hon, and your family is very lucky to have you.

KD

[sabby]

((((( Kimmy )))))

So sorry you have yet another family issue on your plate that you are trying so hard to figure out and deal with. I too can relate to what you are going through.

So often times "our" priorities are vastly different than what others are. Times when my daughters have had issues that they need help with and call on me to help, and when I can't or won't drop everything to help them immediately, I get the sarcastic voices from them and attitude problems that really end up ticking me off.

What I have done in the past at times is to write out what my priorities are, change the order when needed and share them with the girls when they need help with something. I sometimes ask for their help in return so that I can bump their issues up on the list a bit and maybe we can all feel as though we're helping each other out as well as ourselves.

Sometimes I have to remind them that their previous actions or even inactions have put them in a position of their needing immediate assistance with something. Teaching them that they do have more of a control over their issues and in the future should not be so short sighted about certain things. In other words, their lack of planning does not constitute my having to jump to help them fix something as quickly as they think I should.

I have also learned that I can sometimes help them more by talking with them and asking them to open their minds to other optiions of assistance. Asking themselves where else they can turn to for help instead of out of habit coming to me first thing before thinking about the situation and other options.

I have to admit, they are not always impressed with me doing that. But, in the long run, it teaches them how to be more open minded and more independent.

This situation may not be the same as yours, but I think some of the ideas might help fit with some tweaking on your part.

On a side note, I have to say too that by making my daughters' responsible for fixing their own issues, while not always easy, has helped them with their self esteem. They have learned that they are not incapable of doing things and that they can take the reins at times of their own lives and have some control. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does slowly creep in and they do realize it.

Because you and I and many others here are the "fixers" we put so much on our own shoulders don't you think? When we do that, there comes an expectations from those we help consistently, that we should always be there to continue helping. I think we sometimes create our own little monsters without realizing that we are doing that, then all of a sudden, one day when we are stressed to the max, it comes back to bite us in the butt.

Since my friend came to live with me a few months ago, I never really noticed just how much my kids demand from me until she said to me one day "Jean, my heart aches for all you go through and all that is on your plate, and all that the kids throw your way to fix". She told me and opened my eyes to a lot of things that I do for them at my own personal expense. She has been so sweet and tried to help me out whenever she could by doing some of the small errands that I can't seem to fit into my day or just talking to me about what is frustrating me and giving me the opportunity to see things in a different light.

I truly hope that some balance comes into your life Kimmy. Sometimes making those you love responsible for their own experiences is a tough row to hoe. But in the long run, it will save much heartache and headaches down the road. I wish you well with that my friend!


sabby

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
Statements like, "You do for everybody and their brother, but I don't seem to be on that list at all" really get to me. When she follows it by "emotional punishments" and restrictions and dismissals, it hurts. I'm referring more to the blatant, and where there are no assumptions on my part.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
When things "don't fit" and I'm feeling bad and "shouldn't" be, I try to find situations in the past like that that I understand better.

When I was working at the Pentagon, I had a male boss, who was only 26 (I was 23-24) but he was a balding, little old maid of a man, Lieutenant Lloyd. Everything had to be just so, and I use to tease him by making deliberate mistakes on the new word processor machines (this was 1973-74) just for his reaction. We were working on a legal case and the person's name was "Witt" so at the end of one paper I put "Witt's End" and things like that because he was one of those proofreaders that uses their index finger to read each and every word? Really %#@&#! :-)

One day we were busy trying to get a project out and I was running around through all the various rooms of the office, across the hall to the workroom, the library, in the main office at my desk, etc. Lieutenant Lloyd needed me for something and started looking for me. He finally found me at the "binding machine" in the workroom and the first thing out of his mouth was "Where were you?" I told him I'd been right there for awhile, binding, and he responded, "No you weren't; I checked!"

Well, I started to doubt my own knowledge of myself and wondered where I had "actually" been! I had no idea how to continue the conversation? But what gets me now is that whole paradoxical feeling. Five or more years later it was followed by a boyfriend who decided if I wasn't with him, I was with someone else. I didn't know what to do with that crazy-making thought either.

Now I know myself well enough that such comments by others don't hurt or bother me, I see them as "crazy" and a flaw in the other person rather than me. I remember them when I get a whiff of a double bind; a situation where I "know"/feel one thing and the other person is calling my feelings and knowledge, "lies". I don't see it so much as expectations as an attempt by the other to tell me how to run my life or control me. That doesn't hurt or make me sad anymore, that either gets a shrug from me ("ignoring" and moving on; "What would you like for me to do for you now, Mother?") or a touch of anger if the other person is trying to do a hostile control/boundary crossing instead of an unconscious or needy one.

[curley]

Wow Kimmy, I understand where you are coming from. Many times it is our expectations or the expectations of others that cause hurt. It is so difficult not to have expectations. All relationships would be better if no one expected anything because we could not be hurt as much. I think it is very wise to realize when our "well is dry" rather then pushing until we have nothing left for our own sanity. Sometimes people feel the world revolves around them, sometimes we are guilty for their belief. If these people are that selfish it is best if we can to accept it rather then feel guilty that we cant give even more.

[BrandonSS90]

I totally understand where your coming from. I am in a wheelchair. I have a disease that continues to get worse every day really, Muscular Dystrophy. And.. sometime.. somewhere.. I have come to the point where I don't give a rat's ***** about what people think, or say about me.. .