[LilyMop]

How do you deal with rude people?
I work with someone who will act nice and if I respond nicely she will belittle me or say something rude. She a very controlling person and I’ve recently learned that control can also be tied to narcissistic behavior. I try to avoid these people but I can’t avoid everybody.

I don’t want to change who I am based on other people’s behavior. I want to be a nice person. I forget and let my guard down a bit sometimes. Today I tried to be reasonably polite and once again she made a rude comment and laughed at me. I said nothing in response because I don’t see the point in engaging with her. I immediately regretted that I had bothered to even be polite to her.

What are some things you do to deal with people like this?

[Have Hope]

This pretty much sums it up, for me. We cannot change others' behavior, but we can change how we choose to respond:

[Have Hope]

In the case of your co-worker, in response to any rude or belittling comment, I would simply say, "Excuse me. I have work to finish." And then walk away. Then I would limit and even cease any future interactions. You don't have to be nice. You can try to avoid this person as. much as possible, and they will get the hint.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

In the case of your co-worker, in response to any rude or belittling comment, I would simply say, "Excuse me. I have work to finish." And then walk away. Then I would limit and even cease any future interactions. You don't have to be nice. You can try to avoid this person as. much as possible, and they will get the hint.

I don’t know why I “forget” how this person will act. I guess I have a tendency to expect people to be nice. I am definitely on board with ignoring people this days. Covid Social distancing helps with that.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I don’t know why I “forget” how this person will act. I guess I have a tendency to expect people to be nice. I am definitely on board with ignoring people this days. Covid Social distancing helps with that.

Yes, exactly. And why reward someone who is rude with being nice to them? There is no prerequisite that says you must be nice at all costs. So, avoid avoid avoid. I would even go so far as to not make eye contact with this person, if you pass by them. Literally, I would ignore them completely. And if you must interact, keep it brief, professional and polite, but no need to be overly nice and extend any niceties towards them.

And I know what you mean. I keep re-learning the same lesson over and over again and I keep expecting people to be decent.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes, exactly. And why reward someone who is rude with being nice to them? There is no prerequisite that says you must be nice at all costs. So, avoid avoid avoid. I would even go so far as to not make eye contact with this person, if you pass by them. Literally, I would ignore them completely. And if you must interact, keep it brief, professional and polite, but no need to be overly nice and extend any niceties towards them.

And I know what you mean. I keep re-learning the same lesson over and over again and I keep expecting people to be decent.

I agree. I think avoidance is a good thing. Actions speak louder than words and I think in many cases it’s more diplomatic to stay away versus try to speak up. It’s that boundary issue I keep struggling with.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I agree. I think avoidance is a good thing. Actions speak louder than words and I think in many cases it’s more diplomatic to stay away versus try to speak up. It’s that boundary issue I keep struggling with.

Yes...and yes. Sometimes avoidance is the diplomatic approach, and sometimes speaking up is required. It all depends on the context, and the particular individual with whom you are dealing.

I am also learning boundaries at work. I have a thread in the work forum on just that issue. It's very similar to issues you've faced at work.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes...and yes. Sometimes avoidance is the diplomatic approach, and sometimes speaking up is required. It all depends on the context, and the particular individual with whom you are dealing.

I am also learning boundaries at work. I have a thread in the work forum on just that issue. It's very similar to issues you've faced at work.

For some reason I’m not seeing all the threads on my PC app. I haven’t had time to log in to my computer. I need to because I am missing out on some conversations.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

For some reason I’m not seeing all the threads on my PC app. I haven’t had time to log in to my computer. I need to because I am missing out on some conversations.

Here's my thread, but it's sorta long so please don't feel obligated:
Creating healthy boundaries at work and not feeling guilty for it

[eskielover]

I blow them off (ignore what they say) & keep on doing my thing.

Way back during my computer engineering career I had a temporary manager who commented that I should wear dresses to work. Lol....I totally blew him off & continued to wear the pants I had always worn in an all guy department. I didn't confront him about what he said....I just ignored it & continued to do what I felt was right. It was rude of him to even bring up HIS OPINION.....but I just held fast to my own opinion & they tend to back down. Some people are just rude & nothing you do will change that....no point in wasting energy trying. Easier to avoid as much as possible & I found growing thick skin with people like that is a benefit. Keeps their rudeness from entering into our being.

[sarahsweets]

To be blunt- If someone doesnt like me or my personality I tell them to f**k off.

[PrettyBoy17]

I mainly just avoid those people as much as possible and if it isn't possible, I am professional in dealing with them and then get away as soon as possible. Otherwise, I just have to stand there and take the abuse as other people are probably not going to take my side if I were to fight back in any way (if I even recognize it as abuse and not just how I deserve to be treated for whatever I did wrong). Even if I don't "fight back" in a rude or unprofessional way. I just don't have the years of experience to stand a chance to be taken seriously or I guess I'm not good enough to be treated kindly...Bottom line is just avoid people when you can and at the end of the day, you can at least rest assured that YOU'RE not the a-hole.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes, exactly. And why reward someone who is rude with being nice to them? There is no prerequisite that says you must be nice at all costs. So, avoid avoid avoid. I would even go so far as to not make eye contact with this person, if you pass by them. Literally, I would ignore them completely. And if you must interact, keep it brief, professional and polite, but no need to be overly nice and extend any niceties towards them.

And I know what you mean. I keep re-learning the same lesson over and over again and I keep expecting people to be decent.

My view of it all is not to set my expectations too high. How I expect others to behave is not the same way I behave. I would like to expect others to be decent, fair and respectful. So many times do people who I care about let me down, but at the same time I am feeling like I am a disappointment to them. Maybe that is my insecurities and my instincts are unknowingly searching for a support system in others.

We sure do not need to be nice to those who don’t treat us well or those who neglect to keep up with our thoughts and feelings. In effort to protect myself I would absolutely avoid anyone who is judge-mental or controlling or manipulative or plain rude. Avoiding the situation or certain people lessens social pressure and creates less anxiety for me.

Definitely a way to keep things brief and distant is to be polite. Not that I would care if someone paid me more attention for being myself but if I don’t ask myself why I let all these things bother me, I will never find my answer. Or, maybe I am a grumpy person who doesn’t like to be around too many people at once. Thank you pandemic for social distancing.