I did know for a long time the man that was saying he loved me was not in for commitment, used me and didn't show value of me I was told I had options to leave. I had to find my own way. He kept dangling a carrot in front of me and part of me wanted to believe he loved me and wanted better for me.

I've struggled for months with resentment and bitterness. He left me with no time to find a place. Just as I get a job the building I'm at denied me renting from them. I'm on disability and cant work all these hours .in pain I'm stressed to the point of not taking care of myself.

I know I have to forgive him but how? Knowing he lied so many times, saying he'd come back etc. Leaving me with costs I can't manage

I really resent him. I know I'm proud of all I've accomplished but how do you learn to forgive someone who said I love you then just a leaves you in a huge stressful mess

[Open Eyes]

Who says you have to forgive him? He clearly did not care about your needs and just up an left.

[RoxanneToto]

I wouldn’t be inclined to forgive him, as what he did was pretty heinous. Real love means wanting the best for the other person, even if you can’t be with them. People who really love you wouldn’t let you get into such a situation you’re in now if they could help it.
Forgive yourself for sticking with someone who wasn’t good enough for you.

I don't want to have this bitterness. I need to forgive myself and I have. My core says to me if I don't forgive I'll just keep playing the same old record in my head ex. He did this then that and on and on. I'm too giving and I feel so used up. I will never get myself into this kind of situation again but now it's hard to trust anyone. At least I have 2 girlfriends but they are so busy. I'm going to live my life the best I can. I feel like there's something wrong with me for not seeing things soon enough in relationships for what they are. It took me all these years to learn not to let someone walk all over me like a doormat. Thank you 2 for the reply. I have to work on myself and learn from this.

[Littlepalm]

2daffodils-
Virtual hugs. I was with someone from 2009-this April-July(I have no idea when he ended it). We were apart 2 1/2 years from 2011-13. We had plans to retire together. He cheated last summer..it stabbed me in the heart. Then he “fake reconciled”, and ended things without telling me. I do not understand people.
I know God says to forgive , & I pray that I am able... I am working on my self. I feel totally used as well...there were so many red flags.
Message me if you want

[EagleTears]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Who says you have to forgive him? He clearly did not care about your needs and just up an left.

I'm sure this man doesn't deserve an ounce of forgiveness, but deep inside your heart and soul... you need to forgive to heal yourself. If we don't forgive...we continue to live our lives with resentments and bitterness, and that is no way to live. You need to forgive to help yourself to be a better person.

Some links on letting go.


7 Ways to Let Go

How to Let Go: 12 Tips for Letting Go of the Past

Originally Posted by EagleTears

I'm sure this man doesn't deserve an ounce of forgiveness, but deep inside your heart and soul... you need to forgive to heal yourself. If we don't forgive...we continue to live our lives with resentments and bitterness, and that is no way to live. You need to forgive to help yourself to be a better person.

You get it. Thank you so much.

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Some links on letting go.


7 Ways to Let Go

Thank you for those links. They are very helpful and I'll read them again and again. If anyone believes in God here or not, may God bless you for your kindness and support.

How to Let Go: 12 Tips for Letting Go of the Past

Thank you for those links. They are very helpful and I'll read them again and again. If anyone believes in God here or not, may God bless you for your kindness and support.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I wouldn’t be inclined to forgive him, as what he did was pretty heinous. Real love means wanting the best for the other person, even if you can’t be with them. People who really love you wouldn’t let you get into such a situation you’re in now if they could help it.
Forgive yourself for sticking with someone who wasn’t good enough for you.

I tend to agree with this. It's good to forgive an offender (if possible) but forgiving self is more important. Especially as you loved him and he did not love you. (I know the feeling, different situation but similar feeling). He wasn't good enough for you. Love means wanting the best for someone, not wanting to watch them suffer needlessly. (I did not learn what love felt like or really was for a very long time having never experienced or received love from ''family'' as a cub) (I was engaged to a very abusive man. Fortunately we split up eventually.... my parents were aware of the abuse but did not care. They wanted me as far away from them as possible since they felt I was a ''burden''... I was not them. I was not the mirror of their Malignant Narcissism. If you have been abused in childhood there may be an (unconscious) attraction to other abusers. Possibly a ''trauma bond''...I don't know, I'm just speculating.

ETA it is my belief that abusers want others to think there is something ''fundamentally wrong with them''... since the abuser cannot own their own darkness or mistakes.

Perhaps one way forward if you want to forgive an abuser is understanding... not ''obsessing'' but learning and observing patterns etc. Abusers are usually deeply ''insecure'' but also are in pain themselves (usually)

Thanks fuzzy. I grew up with abuse and neglect. I married someone and that turned toxic, then abusive after many years together. My so called family didn't help me get out of that, asked parents if I could go home til I figured my way on my own with youngest in tow, it was flat out no and I managed to get out to a shelter after calling the police. Some years later started seeing men for coffee. Almost gave up and started liking my life, but still longed for real love. This wasn't real love with this man, but I sure know I loved him. I learned that trying to please someone with acts of kindness, loving and trying to accept them for who they are doesn't work. It was so toxic with him but he kept telling me he loved me and I wanted to believe it. I never want another man. I feel all used up but at least I've learned not to trust anyone unless they prove they are worthy of it.

I also want to say I'm very sorry for your struggles in life. I'm not the smartest in my decisions and it's been difficult to learn to hold my tongue when feeling abandoned. Life is hard enough for anyone so I'm sorry I wasn't helpful to you lately. I wish you the best with everything.

[guy1111]

Forgiving those who have harmed you is absolutely necessary for your own healing in my opinion. It is just as important as forgiving yourself.

I think most people do not fully understand the meaning of forgiveness. It is actually a lot of work, but benefits you immensely in the end. It also must be done over again if the person who harmed you causes new resentments.

Forgiveness is best understood in terms of monetary debt. The forgiveness of debt owed someone does not simply mean you tell someone they don't need to pay you back. The money they borrowed from you is now gone. This means YOU MUST PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID. I know this sounds extreme, but think about it.

He damaged your self esteem, and your heart. He left you to pick up the peices. You had to start all over. Forgiveness is putting the time, effort, money, etc. into repairing and replacing all that he stole from you. He broke your heart, now you must repair it. He took your home from you, now you must pay for a new place to live. You must do all this despite the fact that it wasn't your fault. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. You must walk away from him, repay the debt, and never bring it back up again. Never bring him to mind and stew with resentment. If you start to mull over the wrongs he did you, forgive him again. Go back and see what still hurts and heal from it. This is the only way to be free from the prison of unforgiveness.

Take care! You are strong. You are free!

I do think forgiving those that hurt me is so important. What you said above, simplifies it. It's going to be a long process but it can be done. Just yesterday he called and angered me by trying to shorten the time for me to get out. It's simple we agreed I stay until the end of the lease. Now hes trying to end it sooner, that's fine but he's responsible for this place and his stuff not me. Thanks for your advice guy111

[sarahsweets]

Forgiveness is always for the forgiver. A lot of people think forgiving means the person you are forgiving should somehow I'll be off the hook. I disagree with that.I believe it is supposed to give you peace not the person who armed and traumatized you.

I definitely know sarahsweets, that this forgiveness is for my sake, not his. He deserves nothing from me, yet he's ready to take whatever is worth money that I helped him pay for. I don't care anymore. Its material. What he stole from me is my heart, my love, but not my life. He was abusive, he's proven he's not trustworthy. He will have to clean this place out. I've done enough. Now he says he doesn't want his dishes. Then I say you deal with it. I'm so done and I'm glad. I will only forgive for my own peace of mind.

[guy1111]

Originally Posted by 2daffodils

I definitely know sarahsweets, that this forgiveness is for my sake, not his. He deserves nothing from me, yet he's ready to take whatever is worth money that I helped him pay for. I don't care anymore. Its material. What he stole from me is my heart, my love, but not my life. He was abusive, he's proven he's not trustworthy. He will have to clean this place out. I've done enough. Now he says he doesn't want his dishes. Then I say you deal with it. I'm so done and I'm glad. I will only forgive for my own peace of mind.

I think you have a really great attitude! Let him have the material things. It just shows his heart as well. Then you are justified in telling him to deal with the dishes as well! You let him off the hook in the sense of letting him go be his abusive self to someone else. You can walk away knowing you did everything you would want someone else to do for you. Now you are wiser and if you decide to pursue love again, you can avoid the qualities you saw in him and pursue more of the qualities you value in yourself.

[Prycejosh1987]

Either you can let him go or forgive him. You can do both but that would all be on you. Just do it from the heart, pray for him and then keep doing that until you wipe the slate clean if you really want that. Do not drink the poison or get it him to drink, throw the poison away and walk walk away. Emotionally speaking.