Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

The ONLY reason I am remaining friends with him right now on Facebook is to make sure he doesn't post nasty things about me to our friends or anything negative about the divorce and me personally.

Once the divorce is final, I will unfriend him at that point. But right now I am watching him.

But what is that? Was he trying to piss me off and get under my skin by liking her posts all of a sudden? That's what it feels like.

Could be. Or is he trying to flirt with her? Is she single?

We know he can’t survive without second income (unless he makes life styles changes which is unlikely). So he simply must have a woman. So he is on a look out. One from work fell out. He keeps looking. If they already flirted before, she might be a strong candidate

He’ll tell her you weren’t working so he had to support you both and then he was in a rush to move out amd he left you everything, so he is now in financial pickle. So he’ll get her to feel bad and help out with money. Well, maybe not that particular woman but whichever will bite.

It's really upsetting me and I wish it weren't upsetting me.

She is single. But many different people liked her posts.

I believe he's doing it deliberately to hurt and upset me. Why else pick the very woman I took issue with previously? He knows it would be a huge rub to me. He KNOWS this. So what does he do? He picks the ONE woman whom I thought was flirting with him previously and now he suddenly decides to like her posts. I think it's more than just trying to flirt - I think he's trying to stick it to me.

Who knows why he does things. I personally would avoid seeing what’s he up to because it’s just understandably upsetting plus you can only assume what he is doing. Does he even know you are checking up on him. He thinks you hate his guts and don’t care what he is up to. Why would he think you are looking up what’s he doing. I am not on Facebook so I’ve no idea, maybe you just get notifications

I'm sticking with my gut feelings on this one. It's deliberate. He knows I will see him liking the posts because we're in the same private music group. It's nauseating to me how sick he truly is. Just nauseating. It's just more of the same type of despicable behavior.

He cheated because he was angry at me, so he took the one thing he knew would harm me the very most and he did it. He's very vindictive and vengeful. He also threatened recently to dump his car in my driveway and stick ME with his car lease payments, even though I am unemployed - he is MOST vindictive.

I am not sure if I posted this yet but he recently told me that no matter how hurt he was that I called the police, he never should have hurt me back with an infidelity.

That was the 1st time I received more of an admission from him on his wrongdoing.

It's probably yet another manipulation, but it did make me feel slightly better to hear those words, nonetheless. And of course, it doesn't change anything for me.

You know what's really WEIRD? I am starting to have relationship amnesia. I have not seen my husband in about four weeks. We haven't slept in the same home for five weeks. I am starting to forget him, literally, almost as though the relationship didn't even happen - like a tiny blip on my radar screen.

it's the STRANGEST feeling to wake up and feel like I don't remember much of him anymore. My memory of him is fading, but not the emotional aspects.

I am going to be sick - literally.

I am now talking on a forum on Facebook for narcissistic abuse - the only reason why my husband wants me back is so he can torture me for leaving him, paint me into being the abuser and the crazy one, and then discard me on HIS terms. That's the only reason - I knew something had to be WAY off. I have been SO mean to him over the last month - who in their RIGHT MIND would want me back given how I've been reacting to him? Only a true narcissist who wants revenge and power over me.

I am going to go puke now.

This is SO beyond my ability to comprehend. I am sooo not like this myself. Normally, sans abuse, I treat all people with kindness, caring and respect. This behavior is so beyond my comprehension.

Ok, I need some support around this particular issue:

I know I do not have to worry about this yet or right now, but I am worrying about it. My husband and I met through our local music scene, of which we are both a part. We share a large social circle of music-loving friends.

There is now only one bar left open in the area where we used to see live music. IF they remain open, this is the bar where we first met.

I am dreading the re-opening phase of bars when we can hear live music indoors again. I am dreading seeing my husband in public places where we used to go for music, especially at the bar where we first met, which is relatively SMALL.

I've had to deal with this before with an abusive boyfriend I had who is also a part of my music scene. After he and I broke up, I became very anxious every time I ran into him at the music venue we frequented.

I am anticipating the same level of anxiety and angst over seeing my husband out. I am already very anxious about it, and it's not even happening yet!

I am probably the ONLY person who wants the re-opening to be delayed for many months still. I do not want to have to face seeing my husband frequently in public.

Now I know the obvious answer would be: DON'T go to that bar! BUT, I am STUBBORN. I do not want to feel shoved out of my own local music scene in order to avoid running into him. But that particular bar - where we first met - is loaded with memories of him, and it's the ONLY music venue left that is still operating within that neighborhood.

I suppose I am just dreading the post-divorce social scene fallout and what this will look like for me/us. I am DREADING it.

Again, I know I don't have to worry about it now, but it's on my mind and it's really bugging me.

HOW do I get over this anxiety and dread?

Regarding facebook. I say block him or hide him and only check his stuff once a week. the everyday thing will drive you nuts. Of course its deliberate because he knows you still are friends on facebook.

Thanks @sarahsweets!

Quote:

Now I know the obvious answer would be: DON'T go to that bar! BUT, I am STUBBORN. I do not want to feel shoved out of my own local music scene in order to avoid running into him.

If you are going to be stubborn then you need the "I don't give a @#!+" attitude that goes with being stubborn.

LOL! That actually made me laugh. I agree and thank you!

Id not worry about it right now. By the time you are ready to go places, you might have a different perception of things. And maybe have an attitude how eskie suggested. Hahah

That's what I concluded with my abuse advocate today: don't fret now since my feelings and perspective may change by then. And it's not imminent, so it's going on the back burner.

I truly hope by then I adopt an F-it attitude. LOL.

So now that I get the $300 per week unemployment boost, I can actually afford our full rent by myself through March. This is a HUGE relief!!!!! It gives me more time to find a job, though I still feel pressured to get a job ASAP. It's been very slow going through the entire holiday season starting with Thanksgiving, but now it seems to be picking up again. I'm just thankful I do not have to dip into my bank loan in order to afford rent. This extra money gives me breathing room and eases my anxiety quite a bit.

And my husband and I have exchanged very few words since Sat. He tried once again to manipulate me last week by telling me if I will allow him more time to move his stuff out, he will pay the Feb cable bill - I was like, our agreement was that you would have ALL your belongings moved out by JAN 31! He will have had TWO FULL MONTHS to move out! That's more than ample time he's had.

So now he's trying to drag it out even further - NUH UH - not happening. Then again, it's all on HIM to accomplish so it's mainly out of my control.

He has his $900 this month, so there's no reason why he cannot hire movers to move the bigger items by the end of this month. He's only paying $500 in rent now too, so that also gives him an extra $400 this month. If he cannot swing it, I am going to be livid.

He kept his belongings at his ex wife's home for THREE YEARS!!!!!!!! I am NOT going to be HER in this scenario. I am trying to add it into our divorce agreement that he must have all stuff gone by Jan 31.

So, yesterday, through a text exchange about moving details, he wrote "I hope you are doing OK", which elicited anger on my part towards him all over again. I told him, "how do you think I'm doing? I'm disappointed, angry and hurt. You have failed me as a husband and you have deeply disappointed me."

Which then instigated more of a sob story from him:

"I don't know what happened. I was not myself. I have never done anything like that before. We had a rough patch. I cannot live my life without you. I am numb, and I've disappointed everyone. I cannot live with myself in knowing this. I so miss you and still love you, etc etc."

What I've learned:

I cannot listen to his BS anymore. I cannot believe anything he says, and I just cannot listen to him.

I didn't give that text the time of day. I went on to discuss business only. I am not replying to these types of sob story texts that are full of BS and lies. IF I do, I only become angry and triggered and then I look like the crazy one reacting to him in disgust and rage. So, no more.

I wonder if this is similar to the gray rock method? Maybe I'm implementing that and I don't even realize it now.

No, telling him you are disappointed and hurt isn’t a grey rock, it’s opposite of it. Ignoring it and not replying to such texts at all is. Then later you could write (only if you have to convey something like if there is a specific info to convey) with “your stuff have to be moved out by 31st” or “appointment with our lawyers is scheduled for tomorrow” is a grey rock. End of communication. No engaging with emotions. Every time you show emotions it’s not grey rock and it starts cycle again. Grey rock method is meant to keep you out of a cycle and also hopefully to get other person to back off. He writes these things because you respond

When you react to him, you negate all your efforts and starts all over. I get it though. It’s hard not to react

Ugh - ok, thanks for explaining that further.

I have a ways to go still - he still triggers me and I still respond to him. I was pissed that he asked if I was Ok. What is he thinking? Of course I am not ok - I am unemployed, I am stressed, I am drinking more, I am going through a terrible divorce, and I am alone in my home all day long. It's like, of course I'm not ok, you idiot.

It’s likely more of a hook, or maybe even an attempt to push your buttons , rather than a genuine concern he’s showing for the situation his choices landed you in. I really sympathise, though. Your emotions are going to be strong right now, anyway, so it’s harder not to react. You have to make very conscious efforts not to.
I’m betting my former friend was hurting when I ended the friendship, but I didn’t ask if she was ok because while I truly am done with our friendship, I still care enough not to pour salt on the wound, so to speak.

You could respond with “I am ok, very busy, thanks for asking”.