Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

It's not my fault he doesn't think it's over. That's all HIS interpretation. I am NOT asking him for help. I am NOT asking him for advice. I am NOT telling him I am missing him. For Christ's sake. I am NOT doing anything.

My apologies - I got frustrated because I felt criticized and misunderstood.

I really do not think I am giving mixed messages. I am being friendly towards him, but distant. I am not giving him any false hopes. Every time he says he misses me and loves me, I inform him that it's over and that I am not changing my mind. If he chooses to believe that he can wear me down or that I WILL change my mind, that's his own doing and his own fault. He's been delusional all along, saying it can be fixed when I've said it cannot be fixed. I've said I will never trust you ever again; he says "you can trust me". He's delusional.

He doesn't want to listen to me, he's not respecting or believing my words, and that's just the way it is. He's in denial of what is happening, and that is outside of my control. He's being a typical abuser, love bombing me and thinking he can change my mind.

In the meantime, I'm pushing him to get all his stuff out of the apartment in the next two weeks and before I start work.

As soon as he gets all his stuff out of the apartment, there won't be any need for us to be in touch. Then we'll just be waiting on the divorce. I imagine he may reach out to see how my new job is going, but other than that, there really will be no need for us to speak.

I have to call my lawyer once I get back home to see where we are at with the divorce agreement.

I'm reading horror stories of abuse with narc men on my Facebook abuse groups. One thread is about being raped within a marriage by your abusive spouse.

I recall that my husband woke me up in the middle of the night to fool around on a few occasions - not my preference to be woken up at 2 AM! One time when he did this I did not reciprocate because I was so tired, so he very cruelly called me "one way sally".

It's things like this that I hold onto whenever I do think I am missing him and which snap me quickly back to reality.

What an a-hole.

And... he keeps calling me on the phone wanting to actually talk. I don't answer each time and sometimes I refuse. Like this morning. I asked him what his plans are for removing the bed and box spring in the second bedroom. He wanted to call me on the phone at 7 AM while driving to work, and I said no. There really is no need for us to talk on the phone. I picked up his call last week though when he wanted to congratulate me about my new job. That was the last time we actually spoke.

Did I scare people away from my thread? I sincerely apologize if so. Like I wrote above, I got a bit frustrated. My apologies for getting frustrated and triggered.

A woman on another mental health forum told me something rather disturbing. She says her husband beat her in the beginning of their marriage, but she stuck it out and claims that things have improved yet also states that marriage is sometimes a battlefield and sometimes a flowerbed!

I certainly would not agree with that - love and relationships should never be a battlefield. That's what I had in my marriage - bad bad bad. Wrong wrong wrong. Unhealthy and toxic!

This woman must be brainwashed or something to believe such absurd things! I was pretty astounded by what she wrote.

There is something called Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, it seems stupid by default, but some people actually live in it. Also, there are TONS OF WOMEN who love that emotional rollercoaster. The bad guy is the thing for them.

The most basic example? Me. I used to be mister nice guy (when I was a teen). Of course I was trying to approach girls and, well.. I didn't work at all. I got laughed at and I couldn't get one single lady. Now you know how I am and the table is turned 180 degrees. The thing about “antiheroes” in life and in films is that they’re always interesting. Sure, it’s toxic, but that’s how the world works. Some people lose themselves in this game when it goes too far and end up living with domestic abuse.

Well it’s possible things improved in a sense he isn’t being physically abusive anymore if she does what he says. Some think it’s an improvement

I am not surprised people think it supposed to be battlefield. Many think it is supposed to be hard and supposed to be drama. Personally I have a demanding job and I have zero desire to come home to a battlefield. What for? Don’t need a man that bad. I want peace and joy. Not misery

Sadly many people, men and women, some are abused and even if not abused, can’t stand their spouses and speak poorly of them all the time, not just after an argument or occasional like literally have nothing good to say. About someone they share a life with. And don’t leave. Live like 50 years like this. So sad. Scary.

Didn’t see Mr. Paul’s response, yeah Stockholm syndrome is a thing too

It's actually a physiological response to the trauma caused by abuse coupled with loving, positive reinforcing behaviors - it initiates a physiological response and the abuse victim actually becomes physically addicted within the brain to the highs, but not the lows - they want the highs back so badly that they're willing to endure anything or do anything to get that high back - just like a true addict. It's a real thing.

I think she's still in an abusive marriage. No one who beats a woman then does a 180 and suddenly respects her and treats her like gold. BS.

Her statement that love sometimes is a battlefield baffled me. I expect true love, stability, peace and calm in a relationship - not up and down roller coaster and not sure what's going to happen next. F that crap.

I am SO done with these kinds of relationships.

Oh for sure it’s abusive marriage. It’s just sad she thinks it’s an improvement because he might not be beating her up at the moment. He certainly amped up all other forms of abuse. And it likely will escalate again. No, these kind of people don’t become wonderful partners. No way.

Stay strong! You’ve got this. Times are hard, but they will get better. I’m also going through a separation and I completely understand the agonizing pain thing. I feel like I haven’t stopped crying in a week. You are worth being happy!

Thanks, dear!!! I am sorry for. your pain as well. But seems like the same words apply -- you are worth being happy!!!!!

Exactly - same as my husband. NO way.

I cannot be friendly with him. It inevitably turns into anger on my part. He continued to use the police as an excuse for his infidelity (because it came up again yesterday), and I cannot take it anymore. I went ballistic on him all over again and told him I want nothing to do with him. I cannot be friendly with him.

And because he blames ME for HIS infidelity, I fear that's going to damage me going forward. Will I have confidence in myself with a man or be able to trust another man ever again?

I think that’s called introjection, where someone tells you something and you take that belief on as your own. Maybe this little excerpt would help a bit?
Dealing with Introjects | Metatheorie der Veranderung

Thank you.

That pretty much sums it up - it is an introjection.

I will NOT take responsibility for HIS bad behavior. I refuse to accept his blame.

ARGH!!!!!!!! I just had the MOST frustrating, aggravating and TOXIC exchange with my ex. I was trying to push him to come to the apartment to move stuff out and he was being most difficult about it. He wouldn't just agree to come tonight, tomorrrow night, Fri night and Sunday because of his bad back. Then when I said, ok, tonight, Fri and Sat after work, he said we'll see - I am trying to get him to get out all of his crap before I start work on Feb 8th, and he's not working with me on it, he's working against me on it.

Then when I tell him I am sick of him and his crap, he tells me he is done too. That he also wants a divorce now, even though again yesterday he was pleading with me to give him another chance, telling me again how much he loves me. So he did a fast 180 in one day from love to hatred. So now he claims to hate me as well. WTF.

I'm thinking after Feb 8th when I start work if he doesn't have all his crap out by then, I will pay the landlord to change the locks and I will call 1--800-JUNK to get the rest out myself. I cannot keep dealing with him. This has been going on for two freaking months already to move out! I am sooooooo fed up with him!!!!!!

You send a text and an email once again giving the person a deadline, indicating and reminding what day they moved out and stating that you returned their deposit to them for ordering movers. Save email and a screenshots of a text. Also locate all previous texts re deadlines for moving stuff out

Follow up with a certified letter repeating the same thing.

Couple of days before deadline send another reminder re deadline

Whatever they didn’t move out by the deadline, you could do whatever you see fit. Dispose. Sell. Put in storage.

That’s a routine procedure.

I know you wanted to be nice. Not involve authorities. Not be nasty etc But being nice with these people gets you no where. Stop being nice. I don’t know anyone allowing people who don’t live there showing up repeatedly for months picking up their stuff. It’s disrespectful to you. It’s rude. Degrading. He doesn’t live there. It’s your place now. If you not there, he shouldn’t come in. Probably snooping. Even if not, he shouldn’t be there. Now he is killing bugs in your place. He doesn’t live there. And if you are there, he shouldn’t be going in and out either. He should be only allowed to come with movers one time, maybe two. That’s it. No back and forth. His back is not your problem.

Stop discussing anything about blame and infidelity. Nothing to discuss anymore. It doesn’t matter what he accepts or not. These discussions only prolong drama. Inform him in writing of a procedure re moving stuff out and be done.

He knows you aren’t going to do anything about the deadline because you are nice and he’ll be showing up for another 5 months picking up stuff. Well, being nice should be over like yesterday

Thanks and I appreciate what you’re saying but I couldn’t force him to hire movers. He insisted on doing it all himself. I agree it’s disrespectful. I am trying to not discuss our relationship.

I don’t know how you deal with this. He is “insisting”. It’s not up to him. He got used to running the show. Omg. Keep reminding re deadline in writing

Well, like I said, I cannot force him to do anything. Yes, he got his way through all of this, except for being the one to have to move out. I won there.

Praying he’ll get his stuff out. You will be busy with a new job, you can’t deal with him and his nonsense. Fingers crossed