Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Thanks. I will see what my lawyer says on Monday, I hired him to negotiate the agreement and that's what he's being paid for. I don't agree with the way it is written, and it should be simple enough to alter some of the wording. No big deal, from my perspective.

If he tells me I cannot dictate this aspect, then I will go another route.. I will find out on Monday.

It's 4 AM. I have been awake since 3 AM. Peri-menopause is killing me.

And I'm crying. I should never have gotten married. The dissolution of my marriage has me very distraught right now. I was at my sister's home yesterday with her fiance. It was upsetting to be around them, all happy and content together. I've been lucky in that I haven't had to be around other couples at all for the last two months of my separation except for my parents.

I am also disgusted by my husband. He is despicable. I've caught onto all his manipulations over the last 2 months, and I see what a true dirtbag he is. In nearly every interaction we've had, he's been a manipulative liar. He also now claims that he was "shocked" to hear the divorce agreement was written as though he is filing for divorce! I know FULL WELL that this was HIS doing! He organized it this way... he lives with his lawyer for crying out loud. And he pretended as though he hadn't seen the agreement himself - BS!

I can't believe I didn't see the manipulations and lies while we were together. He manipulated me the WHOLE time, which makes me feel like a total FOOL.

This also makes me not trust my judgement whatsoever. I have lost faith in myself to judge people accurately.

My husband and I have not spoken in three days - that's the longest we've gone without talking in a long time. Today is day four.

I have determined that my lawyer really doesn't care much to help me - he is barely lifting a finger to do the work I hired him to do. And probably it's because I paid him a meagre flat rate of $500, but he's barely even working on this for me.

I spoke with him on the phone yesterday, and it seemed he was ready to step out at this point, although the divorce agreement is still NOT written to my satisfaction. So I sent him a follow up email, with all the changes that I require in the agreement, stating clearly that I want to see a revised agreement FIRST that I approve of, and then he can relinquish his duties.

I hired the wrong lawyer. I am not happy about this. He needs to at the very least DO the work I hired him to do! GEEZ!

I hate to see your understanding of this process and communication with your lawyer not being clear. The way I understand it, the divorce is a lawsuit. You are now being sued by your husband for divorce (dissolution of marriage). You can’t just change this to your liking. You are now the respondent and have to comply with the legal demands of the suit. He is divorcing you, whether you like it the way he is doing it or not. It really doesn’t matter who is the plaintiff. It’s a matter of your pride as to how you feel about this now, and I do understand how it hurts.

A $400/hr lawyer is not a cheap lawyer. It sounds to me like you paid him a $500 retainer and additional work is at that hourly rate.

Tisha, I don't know where you're coming from. My lawyer never mentioned that i am being sued - how is a lawsuit even coupled with or a part of an uncontested divorce agreement? If divorce IS a lawsuit, it was never mentioned to ME.

My lawyer said it CAN be revised, and he told me it is written incorrectly. This is what I hired him to do. To negotiate points in the divorce agreement. As far as I know. my husband has not filed for divorce.

I paid him a flat rate of $500 to negotiate the divorce agreement - he is not charging me a retainer plus hourly.

AND, my husband and I were supposed to jointly file for divorce! IF he were filing himself, then I understand I cannot change the language in the agreement. BUT, I was never informed that HE is filing!

Well divorce is a lawsuit legally speaking. It’s just a bit different than suing over something else. If he is a plaintiff then legally speaking he is suing you and you are a defendant and vice versa. But until either one of you filed, there is no lawsuit.

I doubt lawyer would do all that for $500. They usually charge a ton. I don’t really understand why this lawyer isn’t doing anything. But maybe because he isn’t being paid? I am so confused.

You are better off fill out those forms and two of you file. I’d not bother with lawyers at this point

I really don't think we're going to resolve my legal issues here on a mental health forum. lol.

I just need to hear from my lawyer and see what happens next.

No we can’t resolve on here. It does relate to mental health though as it causes you stress and major disturbances. Just don’t want you to get screwed over in all this as things just don’t add up. I’ve never heard of a lawyer doing phone calls, emailing and revising papers for just $500. I don’t want you to get a huge bill at the end of all this and things still aren’t done.
So I hope things work out one way or the other. Good luck

Thank you for your concern.

It's honestly stressing me out more to discuss and hash it out on here. lol.

I just need to wait and see what my lawyer says next.

I'd like it to be known how grateful I am to everyone who has contributed and helped on this thread!!!! So THANK YOU to every single one of you for all your support and help.

It's Valentines Day coming up and I feel miserable inside. So what did I do? I bought myself a gorgeous gemstone ring on my credit card to cheer myself up and to replace the diamond rings I used to wear on my left hand. I don't care about the expense. I needed a pick me up and this was the perfect Valentines Day gift to myself.

I am really dreading this day coming up. It's SO hard for me on this day when I am without a love to share it with. I also bought myself a huge bouquet of flowers last weekend to help cheer me up. But I hate going into every store and seeing Valentines Day crap splattered everywhere. It's a constant reminder and thorn in my side that I am now single.

You can try to change your attitude. Just say same thing with a song and dance: I am single now!!!!! woohoo! Awesomeness!

LOL - that's cute. Thanks! I will try!!!!

He called me crying this morning. His father is in the hospital again, and this time with heart pain. His father is elderly, disabled, fragile and is not well generally speaking. I have a heart. I said a prayer for his dad, as he requested and I just sent him a text to ask if there's any news. He started on our call to go down the path of talking about us, but I steered him back towards just talking about his father. Every time his father is in the hospital my husband is afraid he's going to die.

Narcs fear change, it doesn't mean he's afraid he's going to die.

I am sorry to hear about the father. How old is his father? I know we worry about our parents just the same but I’d say there might be a difference if he is 75 or 105. I’d say you could send get well card or call his mother or brother and express your concerns

Any news about divorce? He’s going to put that on hold because the father is sick now. Then there will be something else. He’ll want you to travel to a funeral with him. Since he has no money, he’d ask you to pay for a flight. Or lend him money if he flies alone.

This will never end. I wonder if he is even telling the truth.

His father is not in good shape generally speaking and is 85 years old. He's had pneumonia four times now and has been in and out of the hospital for that, for many falls, for infections and for sores on his legs. My husband legitimately worries he will die every time he's in the hospital, though my husband can also be very melodramatic too.

I am sure he wanted to play on my sympathies but was also very concerned and scared. His father it turns out will be ok and did not have a heart attack though one artery was 100% clogged.

I, too, thought that if he had to fly to Florida to see his parents that he would ask me for the money! I already anticipated that one - and maybe even would ask me to join him.

Yup. I knew it. I am on to him. I can smell it from thousands miles away and I don’t even know him

They need a laugh icon and button on here. LOL. Yep, you're good.

WOW - my lawyer is an ignorant a-hole. He waits until TODAY to send my husband my revised divorce agreement, just TWO days before Valentines Day. I am NOT happy about that. He is SO insensitive and ignorant. I had given him my revisions DAYS ago, yet he waits until NOW to send it along.

Awesome. Happy Valentines/Divorce to us! I'm being very sarcastic.

I don’t think he necessarily made that connection. He is sure not in a rush to get things done but I am not sure Valentine’s Day is even lawyer’s concern. How is he supposed to know? What if you have some other holidays that upset you, how can he possibly know? I don’t know, I am divorced, I don’t recall details but separating was a stressful time, Valentine’s Day was not on my mind, and I’d not expect lawyers to worry about it. Don’t let that bother you. Ton of people are in bad relationships yet have lavish celebrations. It doesn’t mean anything. Many people work on that day and now during covid not much can be done. Many are afraid to go out. And many in happy relationships don’t fuss about mundane things. I notice than worse the relationship, more emphasis is on a superficial.

It’s about time he starts the ball with this divorce rolling though. They sure milking it

It's a big deal to me - as you know, I am already depressed about this upcoming holiday. And to be going through a divorce around Valentines Day? It rips my heart out!!! To me it's the same as enduring an actual breakup ON Valentines Day. So for me It IS a very big deal. It hurts!

Oh dear Lord. My husband's father was rushed to the hospital again this morning. He doesn't know where he is, and he can't move at all. He had to be lifted out of his home.

No matter how awful my husband has been, matters of life and death trump everything. I said a prayer to please let him survive this .

My husband and I right now are on far better speaking terms... I helped him last week when his father had heart pains and had to go to the hospital. Then he helped me through my work issue on Friday and we talked on the phone for a long time.

I am not reconciling with him, but I do feel that we needed each other this last week, and it really helped both of us to deal with our respective stresses and issues.

I may have even forgiven him in my heart at this point. No, I am not going to change my mind, but I am really tired of fighting, I am tired of the negative energy between us, I am tired of all the drama and of slinging insults at each other. I cannot do it anymore. I just want peace in general. I do not have the emotional bandwidth for any more negativity.

I am so worried for him about his dad.

Wow - I think I got sucked in again.

Are you going back to him?

If it’s about his parents... reality is that you know his parents are getting older so it’s not something that will go away, then his mother would start getting more fragile. This could go on for years so he’ll be able to keep you hooked for awhile. Aging or sick parents is a reality. I am freaking out about my dad all the time and ge isn’t even sick and generally doing great but still I am freaking out, so it’s normal. He isn’t around them though so he is not involved in care giving. And even after covid slows down he’d not see them much because he just can’t afford it. He’d need your pay check for that. He’ll milk it for years to come

As about you leaning on him for support with your job. When you were married he wasn’t much of a support with anything like that, you often couldn’t even share much with him. So it will be back to square on as soon as you are back with him.

Thanks @divine1966.

NO - I am definitely not going back to him. That's not it. I felt ensnared into his family drama all over again. Perhaps "drama" is the wrong word - I got ensnared and sucked into worrying about his dad's health all over again, worrying about whether he would live through yet another hospitalization and illness and then subsequently, worrying about my husband's well being as a result.

You're right - this will go on for a long time coming, and this could be another way for him to keep me hooked and attached.

I don't know how to disengage from these types of emergency life and death situations. I will have to figure out how to disentangle myself and create stronger boundaries. I cannot continue to be his go-to emotional support person forever. It has to end... perhaps as soon as we are officially divorced.

And yes, if I continue to be the main support, I know it's inevitable that he will ask me for money to fly down and visit his parents. I CANNOT be that person anymore - that's where I absolutely have got to draw the line.

I leaned on him about my work situation in a moment of desperation and sheer weakness.... I was a puddle and a total wreck on Friday. He was actually far more supportive than he normally has been, but it's probably all a part of his wooing act to stop me from divorcing him. ARGH.

More manipulation. I'm too soft hearted, too compassionate, and far too easily swayed into caring. When you're a nice person, it makes it all that much more difficult. It's not a part of my DNA or wiring to be cold and distant. I don't know how to be.