Abusive Ex Fiance Passed Away in August

I just found out that my ex fiance has died. I do not know how or what happened. I just happened to Google his name this morning (for some unknown reason - curiosity I suppose) and I found his obituary.

He was extremely abusive towards me, he had a LOT of mental health issues and alcoholism, and we had a most contentious and horrific breakup. It was one of the hardest and most painful breakups I've ever had. It took me several years to heal from it.

But this news? I am in shock. He was very young. He was 14 years younger than myself - 35 when he passed.

This is very sad. No matter what happened between us, I feel sadness over his death. No condolences are necessary. I am just posting because I am in shock.

I had also sent him an email before Christmas, saying "I forgive you."

He passed away in August, so he never saw my email. I wonder if he knows in spirit that I forgave him.

Oh wow. How sad. Sadly his death might be drug addiction related, wasn’t he abusing drugs not just alcohol and wasn’t he homeless and jobless? It’s not uncommon for them to die young. How sad for a young life to end so early

He abused drugs, yes. And at one point he had been homeless, yes. I am not sure what happened job-wise with him, but he had a very difficult time launching a career path, let alone, holding down a job.

SO tragic and sad.

I just lit a candle for him.

I admit that I internet stalked him for a long time after our breakup. I never found my closure and I wanted to find something written about me that showed he cared.

He was on a few forums, and one of them was Reddit. I had found his profile there and was reading his entries for a long time after we broke up. I wanted to find something - anything that proved he truly cared for me. He had told me when he broke up that he loved his other ex fiance more than me. Those words pierced my heart and made my heart bleed for several years. I had the hardest time healing after hearing those most hurtful and harmful words.

And now he's just gone. We cannot speak ever again. I had thought one day I may hear from him again.

He had profoundly impacted my life - for better or for worse. I will never forget him.

And now I never will hear anything from him ever again.

I messaged my ex's grandmother.

I found out that he:

Oh no. He was so troubled. How awful for the grandmother.

SO awful. SO tragic. Yes, he was very troubled. His grandmother is still in shock and is totally heartbroken, naturally. She says he was like a son to them.

Well, people, who do what is defined as extreme forms of abuse, very often find themselves in a situation, where they have to deal with their demons. Suicide is one way out. Sure, redemption would be much better but life doesn't work like that.

He had many demons to contend with.

So Sorry for your Loss! It must have been shocking to find out. It seems like this person really did impact your Life for better or worse. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks so much, @MickeyCheeky. Very shocking, and very very sad indeed. He did impact my life in a massive way. I will never forget him.

How do you mean "I will never forget him"?

@MisterPaul. I was very much in love with him in the beginning. It's a very long sordid story, in which when I moved him to my state to live with me, I learned then of the whole picture of abuse, etc. It then became a nightmare. I will never forget him for what he meant to me, however. He meant something very special to me at one point in time. Naturally, when you become engaged to someone, you're thinking you will spend your life with them, which is what I anticipated at the time of engagement. How can I forget someone I was engaged to, once in love with, and then who died so tragically? Your question is surprising to me.

I said some horrible things to him too that I now sorely regret saying. I was very hurtful in response to him hurting me terribly when we broke up. I now do not have the chance to ever say I am sorry for being so hurtful after we broke up. Being hurt by someone is not a good reason to be hurtful in return. That is my conclusion today amidst my grief stricken state.

I'm just curious since I've memorized your words from one of my threads:

I'm the total opposite of you, so I find it interesting to know about your way of thinking. And I must say, I admire your attitutde.

From what you said, it sounds like the man was an abuser and a degenerate. Therefore, if I were you, I'd just say to myself: "Death does not equal absolution. Goodbye".

Thanks @MisterPaul. I had written to my ex fiance last December, just before Christmas, with the single words, "I forgive you". I did not know that he had died at that point. I also had not messaged him in two years.

I had recently determined that I need to forgive all past abusers in my life - I had been carrying around the pain of the abuse for YEARS. It was eating me up alive and slowly killing me, so to speak.

So I also just apologized to my abusive husband too for all the hurtful words I've hurled at him over the last 7 weeks out of anger and rage. I do not want that on my conscience. Hurtful actions do not need to inspire hurtful actions in response. I am a better person than that. OR I should be a better person than that. I am ashamed of myself right now for all the ugly words that have come out of my mouth. It's not who I wish to be.

Death is pretty profound and can have a profound effect. It's really making me think. And this tragic event makes me want to be a better person, overall.

It’s sad he died in that manner. I once attended funeral of a person who committed suicide, minister said that even though we wish the person seeked help and went on living, we have to respect that they wanted to leave, we have to honor that it was their decision and it wasn’t in our power to get them help. We have to show respect to their decision

I’d not worry about you saying hurtful things to him. What would you think you should have done? Be a doormat even more? He lived off you, used you and abused you the way he likely used and abused others, essentially You didn’t even know him that well. I’d honor the fact that you were in love but he was always unwell and certainly not a suitable partner at all.

You need to find the way to let him go. He keeps causing problems even if indirectly. I felt you married your husband in a rush to prove to this guy that you are worthy of love. You kept checking up on his online and it ended years ago. You really need to try to let him go. I am sure he held no grudges over what you said to him in anger. I am sure he knew why because he knew he was treating women poorly. He likely wasn’t upset over your words at the end and it didn’t cause him anguish. In his addiction and derangement he used people to his advantage. He likely got used to people get angry at him, then he’d move on to the next.

Don’t beat yourself up. You did all you could to help him out but we are powerless over addictions.

Divine, while I appreciate what you're saying, and agree even, we all have our own timetable for "letting go". It's not helpful to tell someone to let a person go when that person caused SO much heartache, pain and anguish.

The past is the past, but it took me 3 years to get over him. And yes, I rushed into marriage in part to get back at my ex fiance. I know this. But what's done is done. What's the point of bringing that up now in my state of grief?

I have been in tears on and off all day. I am very effected by this tragedy. It's the day I just found out about his death. Respectfully, please don't tell me to let go when this is so very fresh. I have to grieve this, and I am going to still process it. I am sure in time. I can let it go finally. I won't beat myself up about my hurtful words.

I understand. Sorry. I was off base. It is understandable it’s very sad news. Today is not the day to bring up letting him go.

Thank you. And admittedly, I am not in a good frame of mind. I should probably take a rest from the computer.

I posted this in my other thread, but it really belongs here.

Death always has a profound influence on me and makes me deeply reflect on life. Life is SO very precious and short.

If I gained one thing from this tragic experience, it's a good reminder to me about being happy in life. I refuse to be in unhappy situations or circumstances and always have.

And there is always a way out, other than suicide. It's SO sad to me that he felt he had no option BUT. I fell in love with his potential and all that I saw in him that I thought was good, positive and amazing. I always thought he had great potential, yet he just couldn't get himself off the ground - and apparently never did, which saddens me immensely. In the beginning, I only saw the good in him and I believed in him. When we broke up, he said to me thank you for believing in me when I couldn't.

I went to my parent's home yesterday and we talked at length about my ex fiance. They had met him several times. Their first impression was that he had no center, that he was very needy and very dependent on me. They did not speak well of him at all yesterday.

And I felt badly for speaking poorly of him after his death. There's something about me that doesn't like to do so. I don't want him hearing these things from an afterlife - I don't want to criticize someone who has just passed.

I wanted to focus more so on the tragic reality that this poor man felt he had no other choice and no other options.

Perhaps I have far too much compassion for people who do not deserve my compassion. Yes, he was abusive towards me. Yes, he turned my life into a nightmare for those three and 1/2 months that he lived with me. I had to kick him out of the home after several months. It was a terrible time in my life and I had a terrible experience with him towards the end.

Regardless of the harm he caused me, I still feel compassion for him. I had forgiven him for everything he did last December by email.

It's very very sad to me that he never found the help he needed in order to be and feel successful in life. It's a real tragedy, and I felt his grandmother's enormous pain the other day when we spoke. She is still in shock and is totally heartbroken, naturally. She said he was like a son to them.

I am still processing this right now. I know I will move on soon and will focus on other important things in my life that I must attend to. But this has effected me deeply, and it's just so very sad.

I won't be speaking with my parents about this again.

Honestly the way this man was in every aspect and how the whole thing transpired no parents would find that acceptable or had good things to say. I’d be devastated if my daughter brought someone like him home. And if anyone abused her! I’d of course have to accept thats who she chose but I wouldn’t have much blessing in my heart. You have to look at it from their position, why would they speak nicely of him

I don’t think it’s realistic to never speak poorly of people who died. Your parents didn’t speak poorly of him at the funeral or to his family, that would be unacceptable. You were with him rather briefly in a long scheme of things and they likely don’t feel like they have to offer so much comfort to you now or find good things to say. Would they have to do it for every ex you had? Did they know his family? They could send a card.

I think you seeking comfort from wrong people about death of an ex (your soon to be ex and your parents) and maybe the amount of comfort you need about this man passing sounds excessive to them. Are you still seeing a therapist? Do any of your friends knew him or you had mutual friends? You could comfort each other better if you all knew him well.

I wonder if this death devastated you so much because of current divorce and maybe it triggers something else? Does it mask the pain over divorce? Sometimes we subconsciously shift pain on to something else

This. Yes, perhaps so. My emotions are haywire right now about my divorce AND my ex's death.

I also have been in my ex's shoes several times in my life. Perhaps I identify with the hopelessness he must have felt. I empathize a lot with him over how awful he must have felt at the time.

Perhaps it's simply just being empathetic to his plight. Or perhaps it's something more.

I am no longer seeing a therapist due to costs, but I have my abuse advocate who functions similar to a therapist. She's supporting me through my divorce right now. I will speak with her on Wed this week again.

Of course being emphatic about what happened to him is normal regardless how he treated you. He died in young age.

I am just saying that expecting your husband, and especially your soon to be husband, and your parents feel much about it or offering much condolences or much comfort is not very realistic