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#151
Apr 18, 2021, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Perhaps you're saying the same thing?
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
 Bill3
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#152
Apr 18, 2021, 03:16 PM
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I wrote this elsewhere online and am dropping it here, as a documentary of the last two months with my husband:
A LOT has happened in the last 2 months - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Then, a week later I experienced severe bullying in my new job and called my husband in tears. Both of us needing support during difficult times initiated more contact between us that was far more congenial and kind. My anger had faded and I felt softened towards him after 3 months of separation and much distance from each other. At this point, I felt I could forgive him for his infidelity. Then my job proceeded to worsen, and I became sick with mental illness and was hospitalized. When I went to ER, they also discovered I had COVID. So, I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 10 days and isolated due to COVID. My husband texted and spoke with me by phone every day during this time. I was grateful to have his support. When I got out of the hospital, I was very wobbly emotionally and mentally. They did not help with the state of my mental health other than medicating me. At this point, my husband and I were basically back together and discussing possible reconciliation. I made NO promises, and expressed to him that I needed to take things very slowly, that my health and recovery is important and comes first, and that I still had doubts about whether I could trust him again. I quit that job and was offered a job back at my former employer that had laid me off in July. THANK GOODNESS I received a job offer right as I needed and wanted to quit the stressful job that had landed me in the hospital again. I took two weeks off in between jobs to rest and recover. No such luck. My issues persisted. I finally sought additional help, and I've only just begun to feel more like myself in the past week. In the meantime, my husband was seriously pushing the relationship on me, love bombing me, making grand promises of change and grand gestures of love. He claimed he had majorly changed while we were apart, even without therapy. But, deep down inside and in my gut, I knew better. He's been abusive, and abusers never change on their own. Even with therapy, they rarely actually change, or the majority do not. However, he was showering me with so much love, support and attention during this time, it felt better than before and I had a tiny sliver of hope. I wasn't well, though, mentally or emotionally, and therefore, my thinking was not clear. Everything that happened during this period felt like a whirlwind. But, before I knew it, he was quickly moving himself back into my home and into my life again. He was taking over my life, I couldn't breathe and deep inside, I felt crowded and overwhelmed though I wasn't cognitively or consciously aware of feeling this way. We then went to our first couples therapy session early last week. He played a sympathy card to our therapist, and I felt he was trying to manipulate the therapist in our very first session. Every time he spoke, I found myself interjecting to give a more well rounded, TRUE version of the story he was telling. I left the session feeling defeated and upset. I started my new job in the same week. Before I knew it, my husband had spent four nights in a row with me at my apartment. I was dying for space from him - I wanted to be alone. I had to insist on getting some space and he sulked whenever I said I wanted to be on my own. Fast forward to Friday. I broke up with him and told him I want a divorce. I had had it. He had lied to me, yet again, during the week, and my gut told me I can never trust him again. Plus, I felt he was pushing pushing pushing things, without respecting MY needs for time and space away from him. He only would talk about what he felt, what he wanted and how he sees things, without once asking me where I stood or how I felt. He didn't even absorb what I had expressed in our therapy session: that I didn't trust him, that I was very angry with him, and that he had abused me badly and hurt me badly. He just went on with life, as though nothing had even been said. By Friday, I was done. I sent him a break up text, saying my heart and soul are not in the relationship, that I do not trust him and never will, and that far too much damage has been done that cannot be undone, even with therapy. I was done. This morning I woke up and felt a sigh of relief to not have him with me. I had cried initially yesterday when he visited to get all his belongings and I felt sad for the rest of the night, but my relief this morning is very telling to me. I am glad to be done with the relationship and I know it's the right decision. I now see how he was brainwashing me over the last 2 months to believe that I need to be with him because he cannot live without me, as he put it. I now see that over the last 2 months, I wasn't myself whatsoever and I was neglecting myself and what I needed, because I was catering to HIM and what HE wanted. I did express this from time to time to him, but he refused to listen to me, and instead he wanted to believe that things were far more certain between us than they really were. I did not lead him on. I was honest with him about my doubts and concerns, whenever the moment allowed me to be. Now he's blaming ME for not trying hard enough and for ditching the relationship after only one therapy session. I told him I did try, but realized I cannot continue the relationship. He's angry, bitter and hurt and is now taking that out on me by blaming me, when in reality, it's all because of HIS ABUSE towards me. He's the one at fault here, not me. But me? I feel FAR BETTER for having made this decision - which I had already decided last Fall. Somehow, I allowed him back into my life after a period of separation, but ultimately, came to the same conclusion: tigers do NOT change their stripes and he has proven that to me. Even though he had been loving and supportive, he was only just acting and manipulating me, all in an effort to win me back. I know better. I knew he would revert right back to abusive behaviors as soon as he truly had me back, which he was already showing me signs of. So, ultimately, long story short - I feel GOOD. I was vulnerable and fell back in with him, and now that I am stronger, I see that it needed to end. So be it if he's angry. He's abusive, and I know he'll never change.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
| Bill3
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 Bill3
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#153
Apr 18, 2021, 03:19 PM
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Quote:
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| Have Hope
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#154
Apr 18, 2021, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
 Yeah, he doesn't love ME. He loves what I give to him and what I represent for him: security. Everyone here has said as much.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
| Bill3, RollercoasterLover
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#155
Apr 18, 2021, 06:01 PM
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Will you move into a one bedroom unit this year once your current lease expires this June or July?
That will certainly let him know it's over. You could even text him and ask him to keep an eye out for a nice cosy, intimate one bedroom unit for you. A unit that's friendly for one. Let him know you would appreciate help with packing and moving. He'll know he's solidly in the friend zone by that point. |
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#156
Apr 18, 2021, 06:41 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#157
Apr 18, 2021, 08:36 PM
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I don’t think it’s wise to ask soon to be ex or ex by then (they already had divorce process started) looking for apartments and helping her pack and move. In addition telling him that she needs his help with basic tasks is giving him yet another excuse to weasel himself back into her life. “She needs my help yet again. She can’t manage. Let me see how I can use it for my advantage”. No thanks |
| Bill3, Have Hope, RollercoasterLover
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#158
Apr 18, 2021, 08:38 PM
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Did I read it right? He lied AGAIN?
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#159
Apr 18, 2021, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Really... This is the generous way you chose to interpret my post. You actually think I'm implying HaveHope is that weak and helpless? Well, thanks I guess. Last edited by RockyRoad007; Apr 18, 2021 at 10:08 PM. |
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#160
Apr 19, 2021, 01:46 AM
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Quote:
My post is about how HE, her husband, will likely see it and how he possibly will look at it. Not how YOU look at it. Every time she asked him for help, he took it a step further. So in my opinion there is no need to ask him for help with anything. |
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#161
Apr 19, 2021, 04:28 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#162
Apr 19, 2021, 04:32 AM
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#163
Apr 19, 2021, 04:42 AM
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Then he was taking customers' cars home with him to save mileage on his own car. This is a new behavior since we had first broken up. I asked if he gave these particular customers his cell phone so they could call him at night at home. He said "No". BS. He gives customers his cell number - I've seen messages from customers in his phone. So I gathered that he's also talking to his customers from home, including a female customer whose car he had who is our age. He told me her age. This simply just opens the door to other potential affairs. I do NOT trust him as far as I can throw him.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#164
Apr 19, 2021, 05:01 AM
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He must think you are stupid. Everyone masturbates. Why would he even say such a stupid thing
So he is putting mileage on other people’s cars unbeknownst to them. Wow. I don’t think dealership would be ok with that. He is shady |
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#165
Apr 19, 2021, 05:07 AM
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And yes, he is very shady. The customers probably know he is taking their cars home. They must. The dealership may not know, however. Regardless, it's shady and it's crossing professional boundaries.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#166
Apr 19, 2021, 05:17 AM
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He ordered me an A/C unit without asking me if I needed or even wanted one. He just ordered it, taking control yet again.
So he's coming here in person on Tue to pick it up. I have to face him. He is going to ask for more of an explanation for the recent breakup, since it was basically over text (initially). But I've said it all, short and sweet: I do not trust him, therapy will NOT fix this, and I cannot live in constant doubt, worry or with constant mistrust of him. I also told him that far too much damage has been done. What I didn't say was that therapy with him helped me to see this more clearly. I do NOT want to get into a conversation about it when he comes here on Tue, which is what I think he is expecting - that will only allow him to wedge his way in and to argue points with me. I suppose I'll tell him that I've already said it all? I really don't want to allow any conversation or argument about it.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#167
Apr 19, 2021, 05:20 AM
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And.. I just realized that this issue (my leaving him) has been ongoing for one full year!
I started a thread around this time last May, around our 1st wedding anniversary, saying I wanted to leave him. In July, I faced him with a divorce, yet he convinced me to stay and give him a chance. Then I broke up with him last Nov and he moved out. Now I am breaking up with him again. Our second wedding anniversary is coming up on May 7th, and we've finally broken up for good this time. I cannot believe this has gone on for a year.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#168
Apr 19, 2021, 06:10 AM
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I’m having massive anxiety about seeing him tomorrow.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#169
Apr 19, 2021, 06:12 AM
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Can you leave the AC unit outdoors or in a foyer or something like that so you don't have to deal with him in person?
I wonder if he bought it specifically to try to force you to see him. |
| Have Hope
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#170
Apr 19, 2021, 06:21 AM
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He bought it before we broke up again. But I think him saying he wants to come pick it up now is an excuse to come over simply to talk to me.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
| Bill3
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#171
Apr 19, 2021, 08:56 AM
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Put AC outside the door. And then leave the house. Go to your parents or for a walk/drive/snack/shopping. How much more talking is needed here?
Why would customers want him to put mileage on their cars??? |
| Have Hope
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#172
Apr 19, 2021, 08:58 AM
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I know, right? Why would customers agree to the extra mileage?
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#173
Apr 19, 2021, 10:24 AM
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I bet customers have no idea he does it. Tell him you have zoom meeting with your new boss and cannot have anyone coming over, AC is outside the door
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| Have Hope
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#174
Apr 19, 2021, 10:48 AM
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I like that idea - so much easier if I do not have to talk to him much
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#175
Apr 20, 2021, 04:57 AM
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He called yesterday for insurance reasons. He proceeded to lay on me all his feelings. Then later, I received many lengthy texts from him, doing the same, ONLY talking about how HE feels and not even respecting how I feel, given that I said I don't trust him and never will. Talk about shameless. He has no shame! He did this into the evening, telling me I am like air for him - he cannot breathe without me.
What makes me very sad is it's not true love for ME. He cannot breathe without me because he cannot exist on his own OR stand on his own two feet! He's needy and clingy and he's clinging to ME to save him. It makes me absolutely SICK to my stomach. I want to puke. He has NO clue what true love is or what it even means. All I've heard over the last 2 months is how his purpose is to make ME happy. Well, he said just these words and made exactly this promise when we first met! I've told him he has broken too many promises that it's hard to believe him at this point. I know I am right - I am just SICK over it. I don't know if anyone has ever TRULY loved me.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
| Bill3
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| Bill3
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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