I don't know what to do with my marriage

I know it's over for me. I just have to get the guts up to truly end it.

Therapy might help either to improve it or to truly end it.

I just ended it.

I wonder maybe the way he was at a very first therapy session provided clarity that it will not get better.

I’m so sorry things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, but you’ve done the right thing for yourself, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Yes - it did. I saw him trying to manipulate the session and the therapist, and that was it for me.

Him saying he's completely "changed" without ANY therapy is also a BIG RED FLAG to me.

Thanks.

It feels right... I just had a lot of trouble doing it and saying that it's over. But my feelings bubbled up inside me and I couldn't help myself. I pulled the trigger.

Well, you clearly did everything you could. I’m glad you feel it was right, too. Onward and upward!

I did. I tried one last time. I can probably now walk away feeling like I truly gave it my effort, even after his infidelity.

It's SO many things. I can see clearly that he's simply been "love bombing" me again, making more grand promises of change and also making grand gestures of his love. I am not buying it. It does not ring true for me. I don't even think he truly loves me. I think he loves what I provide for him and that's it - security, financial support, I take care of him and give him emotional support.

NOT ONCE has he asked me how I feel about him and our relationship over the last six weeks. NOT ONCE. He's spent the entire six weeks telling me how HE feels, yet never thought to ask how I feel. Then, when I expressed strong doubts the other night at dinner? He gets physically ILL from it the entire next day. So what does that create? Guilt for expressing my true feelings and an atmosphere or dynamic whereby I cannot express my true feelings or else he will become SICK.

ARGH!

AND.... I am NOT buying his story of what happened around the time of the infidelity. He claims he was SO upset and distraught over me calling the police on him that he acted out of character. He had previously PROMISED me NUMEROUS times that IF there ever were a problem between us ,that he would let me know! DID HE in this instance? NO - he stepped out of our marriage to engage with another woman very flirtatiously INSTEAD ,while SIMULTANEOUSLY LOVE BOMBING ME! IF there truly was a problem, WHY wasn't he instead distant and angry with me? NONE of this adds up on my mind, and I think his reasoning smells very fishy!

My father advised that we go to one more couples counseling session to help us to end things amicably. I don't know if I want to or if he will even be willing to now that it's truly over.

At least this go around, it's not ending on a completely rageful and angry manner. I am not enraged anymore... I am drained and am simply just done with trying. I have nothing left to give, and the trust is completely gone. And I don't have the patience to sit in therapy with him. He clearly does not truly wish to do the work since he thinks it's all resolved.

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Then, when I expressed strong doubts the other night at dinner? He gets physically ILL from it the entire next day. So what does that create? Guilt for expressing my true feelings and an atmosphere or dynamic whereby I cannot express my true feelings or else he will become SICK.

Ok....I am just being smart @$$ here: lol....just tell him the sick was food poisoning & he will survive & get over it

No guilt necessary when it comes to food poisoning

LOL!

He feels all his efforts to support me and shower me with love were all for naught and now he's saying I used him while I needed the support - of course he views it this way and of course, now I am the BAD GUY. Naturally, he has to find a way to blame ME.

Yeah, sorry buddy, but your love bombing manipulative ways did not work this time. Not this time. I am no fool - not anymore, and I am not falling for your false promises, flowers, tears and pleading and bogus claims of dramatic change just because you made a vow with God.

It seems to me he really loves you. Why would he be willing to continue this relationship with you if he didn’t? What is he gaining from it? There’s back/forth and constant fighting. Does he just want a sparing partner?

Although he has treated you crappy in some ways, he has treated you very well in other ways. This is a very tough concept for me to grasp in my personal life. I’ve had to weigh that the person who claims to love me has acted more loving than unloving, so I can accept they truly do love me, even though they have been so hurtful. It doesn’t seem logical how love can work this way, but I guess it does.

You used him? Wow. That’s rich. He shouldn’t be the one bringing up “using” another person.

He seems to be always physically “sick” whenever something isn’t to his liking. He knows how to guilt you. Then he was supposedly overdosing and now he is sick on his stomach. He seems to be really good at manipulating. When you relied on him for support it’s not like you make promises and lied. You were working on things. It’s not working. How is that using?

Love or not, love is not enough. And after less than two years of marriage this is way too much drama. It doesn’t even matter. If love was only determining factor, no one would get divorced. Most people marry because they are in love.

Are you talking about your own relationship? My husband is abusive. And this is the love bombing phase of abuse. He won’t change.

I know, right?!?!

I can’t say anything to him without him attacking me or getting “sick”. He’s proven again to me today that he has not changed and will not change. He’s abusive. Period.

I’m SO glad to end this most toxic relationship! Far too much drama. And he’s parasitic! I feel like he’s glued himself back onto me like a parasite and now I have to peel him off with both hands!

Here he goes again - full of blame and accusations towards me, then when I stand up for myself he calls me hostile. Can’t ever win with a freaking narcissist.

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Why would he be willing to continue this relationship with you if he didn’t? What is he gaining from it?

TISHA, it is called "financial security". HH's earning capability is much higher than his. When you want to live in a lifestyle you can't afford on your own, trying to keep it looks very appealing & definitely a gain.

Sooooo true!!!!

For the last six weeks he’s overwhelmed me with dripping declarations of love. It didn’t ring true for me at all, the way he poured it on so thick and heavy. It clicked yet again within me at that point. He’s using ME. I provided financial security and comforts for him. Now he’s sponging off his roommate for money. And started to sponge off me for money too again recently. He simply wants his comfortable life again, with me taking care of him. It’s not love.. it’s abuse.

Also even though he does make actually a very good money, he spends a lot on pot and other substances monthly plus he had a relatively recent bankruptcy (which I don’t think he disclosed prior to marriage). He needs co signers for cars, renting apartments, he needs cash advances monthly because he can’t make it till the end of the month. He also likes entertainment which he can’t really afford on his own.

He can’t make it on his own. He needs a spouse or a girlfriend to carry him. Love or not, he isn’t independent, he needs someone to take care of business for him. He couldn’t even afford movers but when hope gave him money, he bought cocaine with it.

So why he wants to stick around despite them fighting is pretty simple

He tried to sponge off again?!? Omg

Yes- I had to front him $80 for a week to pay for the cat's haircut. Of course!

Of course. He is back at it. I can’t believe he still asks you for money. You were off work for a long time and then in the hospital. He has no decency asking you for money.

And expensive hair cut to boot. When I had a cat I don’t recall ever paying that much.

Yep - he is at it again. His roommate had to put $1500 on HIS credit card for my husband to have a new mattress. It's not just me - it's anyone and everyone.