I don't know what to do with my marriage

It never occurred to me to ask people to pay for my mattress. When I didn’t make enough money, I bought cheap mattress. I just don’t understand. He is so entitled and selfish.

I know, right?

It sounds like a problem is that people have been unwilling to say "no" to him, and then stick to that "no".

It boggles my mind that someone would do the above. The roommate did not "have to" pay for a brand new $1500 mattress.

With regard to him having any part in your life: I hope that you permanently stick to "NO"!!!

I see it does look like financial support is his motive. I didn’t know you had continued giving him money these past few months. I thought he was paying his own rent elsewhere. I thought he took you out and paid for the recent dinner. I think you’ve got your answers for this relationship for what to do.

All women have supported him. He’ll find someone else to do the same thing. He’s very good at it.

I’m never letting him back in my life again. Now he’s blaming me for not trying hard enough. He didn’t listen to me when I said too much damage has been done and that my heart is not in this anymore.

It doesn't matter what you do or say. He will always find a way to blame you. Do not listen to him!

Exactly. He will always find a way.

Although... I am now crying and am feeling SO alone. I've done the right thing, right??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Although... I am now crying and am feeling SO alone. I've done the right thing, right??

Why do you keep trying to 2nd guess yourself? When I decided to leave, I did not have to ask anyone if I did the right thing. Where is your self-confidence of knowing what you will & will not tolerate?

That was a little harsh. Self confidence is not the issue. It's being alone during a pandemic and other issues I am facing. And it's not that I don't trust what I will not tolerate. But this didn't stem from a big blowup or anything that he's recently done wrong. it stems mainly from the past abuse and the lies.

Any loss is difficult to deal with. Realizing a relationship should end is no different. In my own experience, it helped me to list what I was losing and what I was gaining. It seems from my brief reading of this thread, you are losing a selfish, entitled, abusive male. Divorce doesn't diminish your effort in this relationship, it highlights your personal growth in knowing you want and deserve something better.

I hope you find peace as you make your choice.

It’s understandable you are upset. But longer you keep letting him back in, harder it’s going to be. You already went through all this.

Of course you did the right thing. Of course he is blaming you because he knows how to manipulate you and he knows you’ll be upset and question your ability to make decisions. Then you’ll feel weak and he’ll either weasel back in or at least hit you for money. You don’t even live together and he still asks for money. I mean comn who does that.

You might be alone but at least you don’t have to question who he texts flirtatiously at night after love bombing you. At least no one lies to you.

Thank you.

I've made lists before about him. I should revisit those lists. Thanks for the reminder.

You're right. Thanks @divine1966! I really needed to hear this and be reminded. He's been mr nice guy lately, so I've practically forgotten the bad side, though my gut says to not trust him ever again.

I did wake up this morning and was relieved he wasn't here.

He began to take over my life again, and I realize that's exactly what he did. He took over my life, and I, myself, pretty much disappeared. I want myself back. I want my strength back. I still feel very weakened by all I've gone through lately. I still do not feel 100% upright and well.

Him saying you didn’t try hard enough boils down to “I didn’t get what I wanted”. If he wanted you to try harder maybe he should have offered you a solid gold prize instead of a gold plated turd.

LOL! Love this @RoxanneToto! Hehehehee.

Soooooo true!

He just HAD to find a way to blame me for this not working out. He just had to. What a slime.

I just re-read my "Sobriety List" - the list I created detailing ALL abusive incidents, broken promises, lies, love bombing, controlling behaviors, and deceptions since we met! WOW. That truly was very SOBERING to read again. I hadn't read this list in months. I am SO glad I have this list to remind me of who he TRULY is.

He was so focused yesterday on having been the model husband over the last 2 months that I almost was about to believe it. ALMOST, but in my gut, I know better. It's all an act of manipulation, all over again. And his blame towards me - yet again? More abuse! He has not learned anything.

I cannot believe he tried to argue that because he made a pact with God, that it means he will be the model husband from now on. That was his "inroad" with me - that he had spoken to God and to Jesus.

Wow - and here I've been SO vulnerable, that I was about to make another huge mistake by getting back together with him for real.

Thank Goodness for this forum, and for all the peeps supporting me through this. I could have ruined the remainder of my life.

And thank goodness that I had the wherewithal to break it off with him Friday night. I do not know what came over me - something did - and it was overpowering. It was rather out of the blue, too. Something snapped in me, it was my gut reaction to him, and I did it without much thought. I paused for one brief second before sending him the break up text saying I want a divorce.

He was pushing things HARD over the last 2 months, in hindsight. I am just catching my breath now and am processing the last 2 months with him.

He had practically moved himself back into my apartment in the last week. He continuously told me every single day how he cannot live without me, and never wants to again. EVERY single day, he shoved his feelings at me - without asking me how I feel. PUSHY.... very pushy, especially when I told him I had doubts and needed to take things very slowly.

I was very vulnerable after being bullied in my last job - and then ending up being hospitalized. I think he took advantage and used my vulnerability as a way IN.

WHY I said we should put our rings back on is beyond me - ???? I don't know why I thought that was necessary. It wasn't. I think I wanted monogamy while we were working on our relationship, and that's why.

I am still in recovery from my hospitalization - I am not 100% well yet. My health comes 1st, and he never expressed that to me. He made it seem like he/us/our relationship comes 1st, and that's the way it was becoming... he was constantly around, constantly texting and constantly in my face and life, with NO space unless I insisted.

IF I asked for space from him, he SULKED and expressed how much he missed me, when we had just spent FOUR days together. He was SO clingy over the last 2 months, and gave me NO room to breathe!

GOOD riddance. I am shaking him off and it feels good. I know I will continue processing this for a while to come. I am just coming up for air.

I am proud of myself though, I must say. THIS TiME, I followed my GUT, whereas when we 1st met, I did not and I ignored my gut. So this shows progress!

Thanks @Bill3!

He never even asked me how I felt after our therapy session! I had divulged in therapy that I was very angry with him, and that I didn't trust him, in addition to many details regarding his abuse towards me. He didn't even ask me about it during the week. He didn't address anything I had said in therapy, as though it never even happened. I realize now how much my feelings do not matter to him. All he cares about are his own feelings and himself. He didn't even love me. He loves me for what I provide. I know this even more so now than ever. He was systematically brainwashing me over the last 2 months by telling me repeatedly every single day how he cannot live without me. It was all about HIM, what HE wants and what HE NEEDS. I began to ignore or shove down my own feelings. My eating disorder returned too. And I knew then that something was very wrong, all over again. My eating disorder had disappeared after we separated. Then it returned almost as soon as he came back into my life. VERY TELLING.

The relief I feel today knowing that it's truly over is amazing... overpowering.

I am still processing all that's happened in the last 2 months with him. He never gave me a chance to breathe, think or process anything because he was omnipresent in all ways. He pushed himself on me and clung to me in every way. UGH. He's a parasite! A clingy, needy parasite that I've had to peel off my body with both hands!

If I may... he didn't love you for what you could provide... he loved what you provided. In my experience, that's an important distinction.