Why do some of my friends never initiate contact anymore?

I have three female friends that like to hang out in a group only it seems like. I introduced two of the women to each other. One already knew another woman in the group. They all used to initiate plans with me back and forth usually when we hung out one on one. Why are they being this way with me now? We've known each other for 4 years.

Once we started hanging out in the group, the one on one contact disappeared. Anyways, after that, only one lady would initiate plans once in awhile, but it mostly seemed like I was usually the person making plans with the group.

Now no one makes any plans with me anymore. I had to initiate the last three times. It's very annoying! I even stated in a recent group text that I did that the last three times and that I'd appreciate it if someone could plan one of our friends upcoming birthdays. One lady said yes, she is the only one who was usually good at making plans too. The other two women ignored me. Th e lady who's birthday is coming up gets a pass as she moved.

The other one just seems lazy and doesn't seem to care about friendship that much. Also, I was wondering if maybe they're fading on me. They all know about my issues with depression and anxiety. I feel like they might not be as OK with it as I thought.

I often get ignored in the group, and that's been happening almost since we started hanging out in the group. I'm an introvert and two of the women are extroverts. They all have more in common with each other than they do with me. I'm not jealous, I'm just stating facts.

What should I say to my friends without upsetting them? If they don't change, I think I'll end my friendship with all of them soon as I'm sick of this. I'm a good friend and I don't deserve to be dismissed and ignored. To make matters worse, they often give me no answer back for days when I try to make plans.

It's like no answer means no. To not even say no is rude I think. When they finally say yes, it takes a few days to get an answer all of the time. I know that people get busy, are not sure of things, but this is to much! All the time? I feel disrespected like I'm their last option for when they have nothing better to do.

I suspect they're hanging out with each other without me these days.

So Sorry you're dealing with this! Please do not give up! i think the right thing to do may be to simply be Honest with them and telling them that you're feeling hurt by their own behavior. Hopefully if you acknowledge this you'll be able to work on a solution together. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to ALL of you, @jesyka, your Families, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks. I'll talk to them in person so they won't be able to ignore me mostly like the other two women did completely. No apology was given, so that isn't a good sign. It was like, whatever, who cares? They'll probably expect me to keep on making plans with them since they probably think I'll put up with their selfish behaviour since I have put up with this b.s for a long time already. No, I won't if this continues and nothing changes. I'd rather be alone than with people who make me feel alone like Robin Williams once said.

Regarding laziness, you may not be that wrong at all.

In my experience, people like to be freed from any planning. I mean, I've tried meeting people many times and I noticed that whenever I suggested "open" plans (e.g. texting "Why don't we meet this weekend?") nobody would reply. However, if I was too specific, like, "Why don't we watch a movie on Saturday evening? I've seen the billboard and [movie title] seems interesting", I would get instant replies confirming whether they would be able to meet.

For example, instead of saying you'd appreciate it if someone could plan one of you friends' birthday, you could have tried planning it yourself and see how the rest react.

Now, that would be effective if laziness were the real issue. If on the other hand they just have little interest in meeting you, there's no use in planning everything for them.

If they don't initiate contact, reach out to you or respond in a timely manner it seems to suggest they are not good friends in the first place.

If they are not interested or keep showing that they aren't, I would not keep pursuing such people.

Sadly as much as it hurts... in relationships and friendships if people don’t want to hang out or contact you, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes there is no reason or even if there is, not much can be done

See if you can find new friends? I know it’s not easy

I’m also sorry that you have to go through this. It’s painful and sure it undermined your confidence. I have gone through a similar situation more times than I want to remember.

I share with you the same issues, anxiety and depression. And my shyness and introversion don’t help either with social interactions.

Be proud of yourself for trying to have friends and interact with people. Many of us, renounced this.

The most likely is that it isn’t your fault. People value different things over others as to hang out with others.

I have noticed I’m not fun enough or talkative enough for many people to feel
confortable with me and that affects the other way around, I begin for this reason to also feel uncomfortable with them and feel myself different and an outsider.
But, I’m sure that if you keep trying, you will probably find people who value you. It’s not easy for anybody but much less for us.

Before giving up with them. You could try the suggestion you were given about planning specific activities.

Do you have clues that they have been hanging out among them without you? It’s also something to take into account. Maybe it’s not the case. I don’t know it.

I wish you all the luck in the world because I know how you are feeling.
Thanks for sharing!

I used to be the group social planner for my friends and went through similar resentful type feelings. It hurt and made me feel lonely and left out. I didn't really admit to them how it made me feel. Instead, I sent a message that I missed them but was out of ideas of something to plan. I asked them what ideas they had to get together.
That was the best thing I could have done. One admitted to having some financial issues and going out often was rough. My other friend was going through some family drama she was afraid would be a burden to us. By opening up a little about missing them and asking them what they would like, we got closer and more understanding with each other. The resentful suspicious feelings I was having were real, but were an invention of my anxiety and not what was really happening in my friend's lives.
I don't think you have anything to lose by asking them what they want to do. Sometimes what we imagine is going on is not what is real. You won't know what is true if you don't speak up.

I have been specific with plans and they all still react the same way. It's so frustrating! If I offered to plan things for our other friends birthday, they would still react the same way. They wouldn't help me plan a thing. They'd only confirm that they'd be there. And they'd mostly come because they both like that woman who's birthday is coming up. One of them has known that lady for 15 years.

The other one flatters her and is always asking about her and talking about her and feeling sorry for her since she has gone through a lot over the past few years. She never ever asks me how I'm doing though. She even looks a bit annoyed when I start talking sometimes. It's very rude and upsetting. She likes to dominate the conversation and focus things on herself and the other women in the group.

You're probably right about what you said. I hardly hear from them anymore. The one lady who used to send jokes all the time hardly shares much in the group text now. I wouldn't be to surprised if she started a new group text and left me out of it. Especially since I recently spoke up about how I didn't like the fat shaming jokes as it's triggering. I used to have bullmia.

She stopped that thankfully. The other two women knew about that years ago but they all still laughed at her fat shaming jmemes.

You're probably right about what you said. Unless they all make an effort to change, the friendship will end soon.

You sound a lot like me. What do you mean by people like us have renounced trying to make friends? Do you mean give up entirely since nothing seems to ever work out? I feel like giving up completely on even trying to make any new friends. It shouldn't involve this much work and stress.

I also feel like most people think that I'm not fun enough, interesting enough, or talkative enough. And maybe they don't like the fact that I have anxiety and depression issues. One former friend thought that I was to "negative' and to "whiny' and that I had nothing to be depressed about and she couldn't understand why I get anxious at times either.

She acted like acting confident and being happy is easy. It's not. I ended the friendship because she tried to change me and she disrespected boundaries all the time.

I forgot to answer your last questions, I know that the lady who moved hung out with one other lady in the group when she came back to the area. Long story short, her husband is in the hospital here for cancer. So she hung out with the lady she has known for 15 years and went on a spontaneous walk with her, but not with the dominate woman in the group. She claimed it was a really last minute thing. That's all that I know. A few other times they declined invites since they were out with a friend on a hike or something.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to sort things out with your friends. I have a feeling that things might not go over that well with them. I might end up appearing to be to 'needy' or to 'demanding' if I speak up. I can't take this for much longer, so I will speak up. I'll try to be as nice as possible though.

Since I was mostly ignored when I nicely asked if someone else could plan things for our mutual friends birthday, no one apologized for anything. Only toe dominate woman said she'd plan things and the woman who has a birthday coming up said that she'd ;let up know when she comes back to the area soon.

Well, I just mentioned the specific plans tip just in case. But if you say they react the same way, it's hopeless.

A good friendship makes you feel warm and loved. If this group of people don't fulfill this, I'm afraid I agree with what other users have said about making new friends. It is indeed not easy, but not impossible!

@jesyka, if you want to refer to a specific comment from another user, you only have to click on the speech bubble that appears bellow that user’s comment.

@RollercoasterLover had a point. Sometimes our anxiety and our low self-esteem are our worst enemies and can make sometimes interpret things that happens around us in a subjective way. Filtered by our insecurities.
I tell you it because I tend to monitor any interaction to see if I’m accepted or rejected.
But, if you see there’s no point in asking them or make an approach to them, it’s ok.
The most important is that you feel comfortable with the people you related to.

Replying to your question about people like me or you, quitting any hope to fit in. I didn’t mean to be so negative. I’m sorry.
And I was referring to people with social anxiety. It’s very hard to deal with this and I had given up it in several occasions.

I lived exactly the problem you exposed here in this thread when I was only 17. It was so painful. I couldn’t hold my tears back. Instead of facing to the situation in an assertive way, I touched bottom and I isolated myself for seven years. The way I faced the situation was only good for making things worst.

So, let’s find different approaches for you.
Do you feel comfortable with these friends you mentioned when you hang out together?

I've realised that genuine friends are very difficult to find. The disappointment of seeing members of your circle getting on better without you is hurtful.

Even long-standing friendships can fail. It happened to me because this friend changed into someone I no longer liked. She was the boss at home so thought she could behave the same way with friends. A few unacceptable comments about someone who was too young to understand made me see her in a different light.

Many years ago, an ex-colleague asked me why I was friendly with a particular female in the office. She didn't enjoy the best of health but was obnoxious and thought everyone loved her.

Sometimes making friends is easy, other times it can be full of disappointment. As with lots of things in life, it is a lottery!

Thanks, I agree with everyone else, these so called friends aren't real friends. I held on for to long as it's very, very hard for me to make new friends that stick around. Idk why that is usually. Maybe it's because I'm not fun enough, to quiet, to boring, to weird, to insecure, overshare at times, have anxiety and depression, idk.

Thanks for the suggestion. I hope that I did this right. Maybe you're right about what you said. However in this case, I just have a bad feeling about things My gut just tells me something isn't right.

I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I honestly feel like giving up completely as I can't deal with the constant rejection and disappointment anymore. It's to much for me to handle. I'm sensitive. I take things personally. I also didn't bother making any friends irl for years too after my best friend ghosted me.

Why do you believe it may be because you're not suitable for them?

I don't see it that way. I believe they may not be suitable for you!

@jesyka, I agree with @Itearor.
Don’t think you are not suitable for anybody. This is impossible. There are many people you can fit in with and they fit in with you.
It’s our mind, our insecurities and our own issues the one that make us think like that.
Because they are kind of barriers we have to go through every single day.

I related having some specific issues as anxiety or depression and some personality characteristics as insecurities, shyness, introversion with a lower probability to meet and have relations with people and it was for a reason. Our anxiety is our worst enemy and as soon as it gets triggered, somehow it doesn’t let us being ourselves and when this not being able to show ourselves up as we are and feel relaxed in social situations occurs, it feeds our negative thoughts and triggers anxiety even more and so forth. So, there will probably a tendency to withdraw. Therefore, less probabilities to maintain connections.

Anyway, I see each case as different. Some people handle their anxiety pretty well and have willpower enough to enlarge more and more their comfort zone. I do really admire them so much.

It seems to me this is your case. You even took the initiative to do things with your friends.
Do they correspond you? From what you tell us and what your guts tell you, they don’t. But, it’s not necessarily anybody’s fault. It’s a matter of fitting in, chemistry...

How are the things going now in this matter? Did they contact you?

I agree that if they ignore you then that's no good. People do get busy but it's disrespectful to not answer, yes. Do you have to keep nagging them to answer you or do they answer just a bit slowly, with a bit of delay?

If you try to talk to them, be assertive, constructive, avoid drama and use positive emotions rather than negative ones. That's quite general, I know, but if you have a specific message you put together, you can share and get suggestions about it from people here.

Good advice! 👍

@jesika, how are things going on?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka Thanks, I agree with everyone else, these so called friends aren't real friends. I held on for to long as it's very, very hard for me to make new friends that stick around. Idk why that is usually. Maybe it's because I'm not fun enough, to quiet, to boring, to weird, to insecure, overshare at times, have anxiety and depression, idk.

I think it’s also worth noting that some friends aren’t equipped to deal with any mental health issues whether or not they have them or they have friends with them. It’s almost a little selfish in my opinion considering they probably expect you to deal with all of their ex-boyfriend‘s.

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