[BermudaRectangle]

Hello everyone,

tl;dr: I was having major trouble being just friends after she and I dated. I blocked her impulsively, then she blocked me. Now I want her to unblock me.

I started a thread here that got some very helpful feedback, even though I made all the classic mistakes with the lady in question.
Bar phone number exchange

It seemingly started when she gave her number to another guy right in front of me, but that was really a superficial part of a much larger issue between us involving my money and drinking problems.

It was an exhilarating but very confusing time with her since we reconnected back in late 2019. We grew very close after that and across the 2020 pandemic year. Finally, for the first half of this year, we were basically a couple, although I guess she didn't see that way.

The main tension revolved around two things, as far as I can see:
1. Although I initially said let's just be friends when we met on a dating site about 5 years ago, by this spring she had won me over and I was exclusively seeing her. But she was the first one who kissed me, who kept pursuing me, and who first took me to her bed to make love. I was never quite sure what we "were," though, because I guess we didn't have the define the relationship talk until after another argument in which I asked her to be my girlfriend. By that point, her answer was "not yet." All of that confused me later when she mentioned boundaries because I never got a good sense of what our boundaries even were.

2. As we grew closer, I started getting more and more worried that I was not telling her I have a large debt (~30,000), a large part of that in back rent owed. I broke down and told her when she started getting increasingly annoyed that I said I couldn't travel with her because I didn't have the budget.

Even now I feel like I have whiplash from the emotional rollercoaster. From what she said, I had not given her the commitment she wanted, so she had the right to explore (sharing numbers etc.). For my part, I felt like I had shown through my actions that I was devoting all my time to her, so why did that not count as commitment to her, at least to the extent of not sharing numbers with other guys right in front of me?

Long story short, we went back and forth on those issues over the past month or so. I know I made mistakes, but I didn't expect her to turn so distant and cold so fast. It really sent me into an anxious tailspin because she and I did so many things in this city, and talked about everything under the sun. On the one hand, she seemed to think it was simple to revert to "just friends," but we never defined what being just friends even was since in a sense I thought she said we weren't committed and so had been just friends all along. She did say she didn't want friends with benefits so maybe she got worried that that is what we were doing.

Yes, part of that was my escape from my problems, but most of it wasn't. I am over 50 (divorced 10 years) and had been lonely for years and she connected with me so much. I felt like hey maybe this is what it feels like to find someone.

But I got so impulsive and needy over the past few weeks that I kept bringing up how I long for her even though she said she wants to be just friends now.

Finally, last Friday, I couldn't take it anymore. Because I had had a few beers, I was extremely impulsive and sent her a "goodbye" text and blocked her on WhatsApp, IG, and unfriended her on Facebook.

The next morning I immediately regretted my rash actions and unblocked her on WhatsApp. But she had already blocked me on WhatsApp. I sent her a DM on IG apologizing for impulsively blocking her. It said "Seen" for a little while which gave me hope. But then she blocked me there, too.

So my advice request is:
I totally understand that if she had blocked me first, then that would be the final end of it. It has happened to me before.

But since I blocked her first, is there any chance that if I wait a week or so and send her an apology - via snail mail or, since I have her email address, through email, that this might persuade her to unblock me?

Things were painful either way, but I now realize at least with her as a friend I can move on with less turmoil. At the moment I am having severe trouble concentrating on anything else except her little gray profile image. I know she is likely wary that I would just resume sending her romantic texts, but I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to salvage the friendship if possible.

I am restarting therapy tomorrow to deal with my abandonment/attachment issues and my drinking. And of course the money issues are still looming. But I need some advice because I feel like my whole life is falling apart and just being able to chat with her every few days or by text was a little harbor of peace. I go a couple of days dry or just 1 or 2 but then binge out of sadness. I have no idea what is the next thing I will see or hear that will remind of her, it is actually scaring me how close I am to breaking down in tears whether around the house or in public.

I read all the advice about working on yourself, see friends, and so on, but it all rings completely hollow. Specifically, my self-esteem and optimism are so low because this relationship cut across my entire life - Covid lockdown, outdoor dining, indoor dining, specific public transit buses and trains, neighborhoods I walk, TV news and shows, movies, Netflix, music, exercising/cycling, even speaking Spanish which I love to hear her speak. Never mind seeing other couples.

So without it everything just collapsed. I just don't see any point in any improvement attempts if I can't repair my friendship with her.

Thanks.

[Rive.]

It's difficult to know what she would do for sure as she is her own person and may choose to unblock you... or not.

I just don't see any point in any improvement attempts if I can't repair my friendship with her

I hear how you find it difficult to move on without her. However, I believe that it is by working on ourselves (or being the best version of ourselves we can be) that we attract and/or have healthy relationships. She seems to fill a big gap in your life and that is a lot of pressure for a person (i.e. her) to shoulder. You started therapy, which is great. I would focus on that and on you first.

It is cliché but it is only by being able to be with/by ourselves first that we can then share ourselves with another, in a healthy (i.e.non-obsessive or dependent) way.

[BermudaRectangle]

Thanks Rive. Much appreciated.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're going through also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful Rive. that it may be necessary to work on yourself even though i think i can understand how hard that may be if you're feeling so bad. But if something isn't working out then it means that something has to change in my opinion and starting from yourself may be a good solution i Hope at least. As for you apologizing feel free to do that but prepare yourself in case she does decide to keep you blocked also. i Hope you don't find this discouraging, i am just saying to be careful becase things may not work out the way you may prefer. Of course i Hope things will improve really soon between you two and for everyone. Please do update us if possible if you want to obviously. i apologize if this post wasn't really useful but i Hope that things will improve. Love and also HOPE. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BermudaRectangle, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[BermudaRectangle]

Thank you @MikeyCheeky your post was very helpful indeed.

[Bill3]

feel like my whole life is falling apart and just being able to chat with her every few days or by text was a little harbor of peace.

A problem with this is you sound like you want her as a healing agent rather than as a friend or partner.

I think a main goal is to get to a place where you don't have a therapy-like need for her.

This is part of what one would mean I think by working on yourself.

It was great to read that you are restarting therapy and, most importantly, addressing drinking. It was after a few beers that you sent those messages. Alcohol will continue to drag you down until you free yourself from it.

[BermudaRectangle]

Thanks, @Bill3, much appreciated. I've been thinking over why I tend to end up in these spots, they all feel so similar. Initial attraction (either way or mutual), then a honeymoon period (could be anywhere from mere days to over a year), then I start saying or doing things that make her pull away, then I get needy and desperate. Usually the woman blocks me first, but in this case I just felt so much pain and hopelessness in the face of her romantic rejection of me.

Part of the healing agent part that you suggest, I think, is approval seeking. Don't get me wrong - what makes this time so much more painful than before are the ways in which she and I actually have great compatibility and hit it off with great chemistry. But from the moment that I started to reveal things I am insecure or worried about, I was not able to hold it together about worrying over losing her approval. And of course part of it is to be expected anyway. For better or worse, I could not control if she felt a progressive loss of respect for me for not only hiding my money situation from her, but also whatever thoughts about the future she now saw were delayed or no longer possible with me. That downward spiral led me to send her texts of stuff I was doing to improve, which is all well and good, but as others have said it just made me see her as more of the way to fill the gap in my life when I saw the writing on the wall that she had pulled away.

Drinking for sure has been the common denominator is almost all of my post-divorce issues. I mean, I hadn't realized I was probably medicating with it since freshman year of college, but since my divorce these gut-wrenching breakups have made me feel even guiltier about drinking because it leads me to impulsive and off-putting behavior. It it rough, and most days I don't have hope of beating it. But I guess I have to try.

[VabGirl]

At this point you have no control over whether she will unblock you or not. I imagine it was very hurtful to her. As far as self-improvement it shouldnt be dependent on her actions.Do it for yourself and you just might find someone else will be interested in you!!

[Britedark]

First of all, I understand the emotional turmoil you are going through. Love yourself no matter the circumstances and keep doing whatever keeps you healthy- that includes therapy, healthy eating, cutting down on alcohol and getting some exercise. Like the other posters have pointed out, we cannot say if she is going to unblock you. Even if she does, how will you have a healthy relationship with her unless you have one with yourself? Work on yourself and pay off the debt as soon as you can. Once the stressors are gone from your life you will feel like a new man. If you are happy and fulfilled others will also gravitate towards you.

[sarahsweets]

I might be in the minority but I personally feel like you should just let the relationship go. And not worry about unblocking or blocking.

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[BermudaRectangle]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I might be in the minority but I personally feel like you should just let the relationship go. And not worry about unblocking or blocking.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks, Sarah. I have been wrestling with that for the past 4 days. I feel so stupid for having blocked her first. I went back and re-read some of the things I texted her and they were full of needy, bitter, and emotional words because I allowed myself to text when I was drunk and was so overcome with shock and sadness. But at least she was still communicating with me, at which point I should have backed off, turned to working on myself, and begin actions to make my life better while she was still on friendly (albeit a bit cold and distant) terms with me.

Those emotions have slid over into a kind of terror of facing each day replaying the sequences in my mind. I now realize what she was trying to communicate to me. At the time, all I could see was my side of trying to convince her to be romantic with me again, which is of course not the way things work. Then I got angry that she said I wasn't respecting her boundaries.

Specifically, she and I had different memories I suppose of the earlier stages, when she may not have crossed a lot of boundaries but at one time she called me after 9 one night to ask me to go to Ireland with her. It was out of the blue and right after we had had a friendly dinner. And, later, a few other times starting with the night (yes we had both been drinking) when she kissed me first. And later still when she invited me over to watch TV then took me to her bed to make love. And finally, for several months earlier this year, she would have me meet her friends and family in ways that made it clear she was having them meet them almost as her boyfriend.

Yes, I should have come clean about the money earlier - as well as the extent of my depression which I had not shared. But we share a ton of other things and moments and places.

For my part, I politely declined the Ireland trip. But because she was winning me over, I returned her kiss and after that was willing to get intimate with her not only physically but emotionally as well. These are things I ruminate about when I feel like, wait a minute, the boundaries were never as clean as she was making them out to be when she chose her boundaries.

Because I blocked her first, I finally wrote an apology card by hand and mailed it to her (in other words, if she had blocked me first I would have had to force myself not to contact her and make things even worse). I have little hope that my letter will help, but who knows.

For now I have to keep going to therapy and try not to drink (failing in that effort so far). I'm terrified at how out of control I feel.

Well, thanks for your brief but thoughtful comment.

[Bill3]

For now I have to keep going to therapy and try not to drink (failing in that effort so far).

Are you getting some support to help you stop drinking? If not, please consider AA or other recovery support group, many people swear by them.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Are you getting some support to help you stop drinking? If not, please consider AA or other recovery support group, many people swear by them.

Yes like Bill said I completely missed this. I’ve been sober for nine years and AA was integral and helping me get sober

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[BermudaRectangle]

I have been to AA before but stopped. I will look up a meeting to start again.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BermudaRectangle

I have been to AA before but stopped. I will look up a meeting to start again.

What made you stop ?

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[BermudaRectangle]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

What made you stop ?

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I went through a similar set of mistakes sending drunk texts and so on except looking back on it it was a totally fantasy relationship in my mind. The woman was 20 years younger, I met her for 5 minutes at a live music event. We stayed in touch via Instagram and gradually ended up sexting and talking by phone a bit. I even planned going to Australia which is where she lives (I live in the US).

At one point I got really drunk and sent her a string of bizarre texts including some porn videos. A few days later I sent some other drunk texts and she blocked me.

After she blocked me I freaked out and feared drinking anything. So I went to AA and didn't have a drink for 38 days.

I stopped because I eventually contacted her from another IG account and she agreed to talk to me again. Two problems there - I was being stalkerish and also was not moving on.

Ironically, around that time I could have started spending more time with this current lady (who is my age, divorced, kid, similar compatibility in many ways) instead of pining for the Aussie girl.

Then Covid hit and I was isolated again and everybody else was drinking so I went along. The Aussie girl was chatting with me but it became a thing where she asked me for rent money and so on. I agreed a few times but obviously not ideal to have that turn into a weird transactional thing like it did.

At that point I did start spending more time with the current lady. A lot of my socializing with her was one-on-one and at bars and restaurants. Looking back on it, I could have openly discussed more quickly moving the relationship forward at that time, since during those months she was very open to being my girlfriend but I kept saying I wasn't sure. I was just being honest because I really want a close relationship for companionship, romance, lovemaking, but I also had these money and depression issues that made me scared of the thought of living with her and not being able to have a good relationship.

As Covid restrictions eased, I started panicking more around the friends and other people we saw when we went out. I felt very insecure at times and she seems to attract guys who hit on her, and I don't do well in those situations. I just wanted her and thought she wanted me the same and would not entertain flirting but flirting is a part of life and I get jealous or I just tune out. Neither of which helped her attraction to me, which started strong but faded. And with drinking thrown in, as she told me and was right, it was hard to tell what was real and what was alcohol-induced.

Anyway, what is crippling me now is that year plus of mistakes and myopic behavior that revolved around drinking as my way of escaping my problems. Which has generated only more problems. Which makes me want to drink more and be ashamed of going back to AA as a failure. But of course I am failing now.

That's pretty much the summary of why I stopped. As I said, though, this time is so much worse because (1) I repeated my mistakes and (2) I repeated them with a much more compatible partner and (3) I could have avoided the impulsive and self-destructive move of blocking her first when at least she and I were communicating and even occasionally meeting up. Now I realize how much more guilty and self-hating I am over what I did and the lack of any contact with her.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BermudaRectangle

I went through a similar set of mistakes sending drunk texts and so on except looking back on it it was a totally fantasy relationship in my mind. The woman was 20 years younger, I met her for 5 minutes at a live music event. We stayed in touch via Instagram and gradually ended up sexting and talking by phone a bit. I even planned going to Australia which is where she lives (I live in the US).

At one point I got really drunk and sent her a string of bizarre texts including some porn videos. A few days later I sent some other drunk texts and she blocked me.

After she blocked me I freaked out and feared drinking anything. So I went to AA and didn't have a drink for 38 days.

I stopped because I eventually contacted her from another IG account and she agreed to talk to me again. Two problems there - I was being stalkerish and also was not moving on.

Ironically, around that time I could have started spending more time with this current lady (who is my age, divorced, kid, similar compatibility in many ways) instead of pining for the Aussie girl.

Then Covid hit and I was isolated again and everybody else was drinking so I went along. The Aussie girl was chatting with me but it became a thing where she asked me for rent money and so on. I agreed a few times but obviously not ideal to have that turn into a weird transactional thing like it did.

At that point I did start spending more time with the current lady. A lot of my socializing with her was one-on-one and at bars and restaurants. Looking back on it, I could have openly discussed more quickly moving the relationship forward at that time, since during those months she was very open to being my girlfriend but I kept saying I wasn't sure. I was just being honest because I really want a close relationship for companionship, romance, lovemaking, but I also had these money and depression issues that made me scared of the thought of living with her and not being able to have a good relationship.

As Covid restrictions eased, I started panicking more around the friends and other people we saw when we went out. I felt very insecure at times and she seems to attract guys who hit on her, and I don't do well in those situations. I just wanted her and thought she wanted me the same and would not entertain flirting but flirting is a part of life and I get jealous or I just tune out. Neither of which helped her attraction to me, which started strong but faded. And with drinking thrown in, as she told me and was right, it was hard to tell what was real and what was alcohol-induced.

Anyway, what is crippling me now is that year plus of mistakes and myopic behavior that revolved around drinking as my way of escaping my problems. Which has generated only more problems. Which makes me want to drink more and be ashamed of going back to AA as a failure. But of course I am failing now.

That's pretty much the summary of why I stopped. As I said, though, this time is so much worse because (1) I repeated my mistakes and (2) I repeated them with a much more compatible partner and (3) I could have avoided the impulsive and self-destructive move of blocking her first when at least she and I were communicating and even occasionally meeting up. Now I realize how much more guilty and self-hating I am over what I did and the lack of any contact with her.

are you still stopped?

[BermudaRectangle]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

are you still stopped?

No, I've been drinking regularly since then.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BermudaRectangle

No, I've been drinking regularly since then.

What do you think it would take for you to stop and stay stopped ? Not that I am the guru but I could help you anyway that I could

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[BermudaRectangle]

Thanks for the question. I guess I need to get over the terror I feel as evening approaches. All the enjoyable interactions I used to have with her come back in my mind as the end of the workday nears. And even aside from her, my dissatisfaction with my job and my low self-esteem, and depression all combine to drive up my urges to escape. Add to that working from home and by 5 or 6 I dread the prospect of not having left the house for the whole day.

Finally, I feel like I obsess about all my connected memories with her. So if someone says, go for exercise, all I can think about is how much she loves exercise, and how she told me she wanted a partner who wants to exercise, not just one who exercises because she does. Going to the library or bookstore makes me feel lonely whereas before it was peaceful solitude. Friends invite me out to live music and I recall the live music and/or bars with music that she and I went to over the past couple of years. Netflix, Amazon, the local news, sightseeing, they are all colored by my remorseful memories of how I screwed things up with her.

It's possible I might be able to go to an art museum, which she and I did not do more than once or twice.

Not sure if that response helps answer your question, but I am open to suggestions. Basically, as I said, it is a feeling of terror of being both alone and feeling disgraced over having so many emotional problems.

Thanks again.

[Bill3]

Are AA groups meeting in your area, either in person or online?

I expect that there will be people at a support group like AA who have had experiences akin to yours and have feelings akin to yours. Perhaps they can help you and you can help them.

Maybe there is a meeting available at, say, 5 pm.?