Ghosting, ignoring, not responding to messages

So what are the causes, what makes people act like that? I've found that even very nice people can end up doing that on some occasions. Ignoring completely innocent texts, online messages, etc. I'd be interested in all kinds of causes, reasons, description of dynamics .... Not just the most common reasons, but anything really that you can think of.

Why I'm personally interested: I'm at the point in my life where I am seriously considering seeing this behaviour as completely unacceptable and extremely rude, like I'm willing to forever cut anyone out of my life who tries to pull that off on me. I am THAT fed up with it.

It depends. Who are these people? I’d be very upset if my daughter or brother or best friend ignored my messages, that’s not happening. But if you get a lot of messages/texts/emails from a lot of people, It’s easy to oversee it. Life is busy. Replying to every single thing isn’t possible or doable so who are these people? Random? Family? Good friends? How well do you know them? What the messages are about?

Previous friends. Bf. Acquaintances that I've been cooperating with about something before.

Pretty sure that what I have in mind isn't them just being busy and accidentally overseeing the messages from me. Too much of a pattern. I mean if I now texted them three times over two weeks, and they usually see the messages and texts from me, then surely they couldn't have skipped all three of them by accident now.

What they are about, they are about things that do need a response.

Example, bf, he was going to do an important bank wire transfer and it had a deadline determined by a contract. And I ask him about it and he doesn't respond (he was in a different country at the time so this was online messaging/texts). And yes I was involved too with the contract, so my asking about this transfer was highly relevant, not just meddling or anything like that.

Or person who was supposedly a friend, he doesn't respond to a text, ok, I text again 8 days later, still doesn't respond, I text again after waiting, and I add that I would like to talk about something important with him (it was important yes). I still got ignored. Long story, after a few more messages and stress he did respond but was being really passive aggressive with me in the response.

And so on....

Now, you mention family too. Blood family has never ignored any message from me. I can't even imagine them doing so. I mean, close family. As far as the big family, that could be different, an aunt recently did not respond to my email, but I did meet her IRL afterwards so it was irrelevant and no idea if she was deliberately trying to ignore my email. I kinda feel like she was, because she was originally set to meet me and my brother together, we just did not have a set date and time yet. But then she arranged to see my brother and did not contact me first. Then I did get her phoned and ended up seeing her in the end, she did not have a problem with it, and we did have a good talk and discussed the email's topic too just fine, so that's why I am not sure what was up with that one.

So yeah, what's up with this outside (close) family.

Yeah they aren’t interested in communicating with you. Why I can’t say. Boyfriend ignoring you… what happened with that relationship? Or was bf a best friend rather than a boyfriend? I hope it wasn’t your money he was wiring. How did he explain why is he ignoring you?

The guy who wasn’t responding to you messaging him repeatedly, how did he explain why he isn’t responding? What made you repeatedly contacting him even though he wasn’t responding?

Some people are too cowardly and don’t want to be direct in their communication that they might want to limit or stop the friendship/relationship. So instead they ghost in hopes you get the message. That’s what comes to mind

Unsure about your aunt. For whatever reason she was making plans with your brother separate from you. It would be fine if she met with you two separately or didn't even meet with you if that’s what she wanted but again she was cowardly about it

There are *so* many reasons for such behaviour: rudeness, taking people for granted, unawareness, forgetfulness, using other people or fakeness etc. There may even be genuine reasons (something happened, an emergency or distraction by 'real' life or their own crap). Goodness knows what goes on in people's heads or lives.

I agree that it is rude. As for unacceptable, it would depend on people and circumstances. For instance, if it is the same people, same pattern, or people only know you when they need you, then that speaks volumes and yes, it is unacceptable. IF it is a one-off or a behaviour that is unusual from someone, that would be different.

As always we can only understand and control ourselves. We can’t really have an answer on why other people do what they do. Focus on your actions

Be more selective who you are friends and partners with. If they repeatedly ignore you, move on and stop pursuing them. With family is a bit different. I don’t suggest you cut ties as there is more to it.

But with boyfriends and so called friends, if they ignore and ghost you, move on and don’t waste your time. Don’t continue messaging. Guessing why they ignore you is a waste of time

Just my opinion, but I think people honestly don't know HOW to communicate anymore so they avoid, and then add in that the average person is so overly connected by phones, email, social media, etc, maybe it's like system overload?

And that doesn't take into consideration distractions...

So, poor self-management and poor communication skills?

I assume they didnt actually block you? I have used block on facebook before on a family member, who was very toxic for me, going no-contact with him has helped me.

Thanks so much for all the answers.

The thing is I keep feeling like maybe it's something in my communication and then that makes me feel really crappy, but I am realising that it can't be that. Other than, me trying to ask again later if they ignore me. And then I get so frustrated and upset. So I decided now that I will just never ask more than once. I have to do something different if they still ignore it when I ask again. I just don't know what that "something different" would be. It would have to be situation dependent too of course. But some general guidelines would help, if anyone has any suggestions or tips. I'm asking for tips because I always feel so very upset now because these things have repeated far too many times now. So I can't think very well about it anymore when it happens.


Boyfriend. He never explained it......I did ask but no..... We are still together. I tried to observe more lately and I noticed he doesn't answer a lot of questions of mine actually. Even when it's pretty important stuff. Like I asked about some of his future plans recently. That too went ignored.... Or if I say how I feel about something he doesn't comment or respond to that either.

And yes I made 10000% sure that it didn't seem like "naggy" or anything like that when I asked about those future plans. I made totally sure that I was in a relaxed mindset when I asked.

He didn't explain either..... I did ask why but he didn't explain. What made me repeatedly try, well I just didn't understand what the heck is going on, is why. But that's where I now decided that I won't ever repeatedly try again, I'd have to do a completely different response.

Whenever this happens, it's not really about the relationship itself, I don't think. For example my bf actually wants to marry me. More like about the topics themselves, or some overall manipulation of managing my expectations or passive aggression or I don't know what.

I can't tell if she was going to try and meet me some days after my brother or something. I'll never know now lol, but yeah something is fishy about it. She may have been cowardly about the topic of the email, yeah. She basically brought up some issue in email and I responded to that and that's when she stopped responding.

I do need to see more clearly, so I wanted to get ideas on how this stuff usually goes.

It's also kinda awkward if I've been getting along with someone pretty well or we had some mutual cooperation about something (I don't mean business), and then they start pulling this off. Awkward as in can I really just cut them off right away?

Yeah, it's a pattern with some people. What do you mean by unawareness?

With my bf some of it could be self-management and communication skills. For example when he's stayed up for two days and then slept really long (sometimes this does happen). And he's not the most empathetic communicative person. But I somehow don't think that's all of it. It kinda feels like some kind of manipulation of expectations, like he hopes that if he decides to just not answer, even if I repeatedly ask, then I'll just give up or something. But it can't be just this either. Pretty sure some of it was passive aggressive too before. It has to be a mix of things really.

No, no actual blocking.

So boyfriend doesn’t answer your questions and doesn’t comment yet wants to marry you. Do you want a husband like that? That would be a pretty miserable situation. Do you ask him questions but he just sits there? Not responding? What do you do when that happens? Is he online boyfriend, not actual face to face communication? If it’s real life relationship, it’s absolutely insane if he just sits there.not responding.

I don’t know about cutting off but personally I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who doesn’t answer questions. And I’d sure don’t want to marry men like that

You seem to really want to understand why people do what they do. You can’t understand as you aren’t in their head. Just observe their actions. If something is not ok with you, move on

I've thought more...

What makes me so upset about this pattern and issue is.

These people don't EVER explain why they didn't respond. They just deflect and avoid explaining, worse case they'll lie. So I usually just drop the topic of why they didn't respond.

And if it's about important enough stuff I never had any other idea to do other than just repeatedly try to contact the person after I think enough time passed so it doesn't look like too frequent or like harassing.

And then it drives me mad crazy having to do this after it's already been a pattern especially if it's with someone I care about or like very much.

I mean, having to wait and then having to try again and so on and it's all up in the air and never clear and who knows how long it's gonna go on and ugh. That totally drives me mad frustrated and upset and then I have to really control myself hard to keep that in and not mention to these people how I feel.

If I was to try and have empathy like maybe they got distracted or have trouble with how to communicate, that's just so vague to me because it doesn't solve the issue that these people just somehow decide to ignore my messages even if it's about something actually important or something that I myself would definitely try to answer if they asked me.

And if I tried to empathise like that, that maybe it's them having communication issues, that makes me feel so crap and pulls me down, because it's like putting a burden on myself accommodating for them even more than I've already tried to. And it feels like accepting their bad attitude towards me. Feels like I'd have to accept disrespect. On top of their already upsetting and driving me crazy. I'd rather not feel all that...

So I'm more interested in how to communicate with these people rather than just repeatedly try to ask the same thing over time... If communication can even be done with them when it gets like this.

Anecdote , I once was in a weird mindset and I felt like I was assuming these absurdly nice things like being totally "radically open" to the point of it being absurd asking this guy I mentioned, about why he ignored my texts. And I just tried to have like infinite empathy where I ignored how bad he'd made me feel, and asked in this interested, helpful manner and I tried to disclaim every line of mine to make sure he won't think it's some accusation or questioning him, and he instantly goes like, admitting he "f***ed up". I didn't expect that answer at all.

That guy tried to screw me over really bad in the end, though. He did some really bad things. I no longer talk to him.

He's in a different country for now so when we are not meeting, the communication is online, yes. We did live together before that. IRL he won't ignore if I ask a question but does often ignore it if I just talk to him about whatever excited me or anything.

I'm not really able to observe these actions without getting affected really bad, so that's why I'd just like to get some perspectives in this thread.

I know for me personally, I don't do that to anyone until I have possible had enough of them & it comes after warnings. However I have known some who are clueless about the warnings. Only at that point will I end up blocking them cause I get from others that I know say the person just doesn't get why I would do something like that. I have no control over their understanding....but I do have control over not letting them annoy me whether they get it or not. Usually this happens when someone messes with the peace I have in my life

Thanks. These people don't block me, so this is a bit different.

If people don’t want to talk to you or don’t like to answer your questions, repeatedly contacting them and trying to word your messages differently serves no purpose. Do you want to wear them out so they start responding? I don’t understand

Is the boyfriend ever coming back? What’s he doing in a different country? How real is it that he plans on marrying you? You lived together and then he up and moved? And now ignores you. It’s a little strange. Kind of doesn’t match how one acts when they plan to marry someone.

Are you seeing a therapist?

I agree it’s very likely with your bf that if you marry him his behaviour is not likely to change. I’m not sure why he’d ignore you but is it possible you have different contact needs? Like he may not need to stay in touch as often? Or he prefers not to text? What’s he like towards you when you’re together in person?

If people don't respond, deflect or lie, I would stop engaging with such people.

IF it is important stuff you need from specific people, I would be direct: 'I need this response for [whatever purpose] and I am waiting on you to get back to me'. So tell them explicitly you are waiting on them for X or they didn't get back to you about X.

For such people, it would be best to be clear and direct rather than asking them the same thing repeatedly. I would also avoid dealing with these people if at all possible (unless unavoidable)

The thing is I have a relationship with those people (friendship, romantic etc). So it's like when there is something they don't want to talk about is when they pull this off, and otherwise they want to keep the relationship going unchanged. Did this help clarify? Let me know please.

As for the other question, noo I don't have an intention like wear them out. I just simply am not able to move on and skip the issue or whatever it is that needs talking and communication, it's like I'm stopped in my tracks. Or with some of the topics I can try and drop them temporarily but it will make things very uncomfortable, in practice too.

He had work in that country, he quit recently, but I'm finding it hard to discuss plans with him for the future about what he'd like to be doing. All I know is that he does want me to live with him again though. I think his intention to marry is real. But yeah he ignores stuff.... like any discussion about these future plans too. It bothers me because I'd really like to know for obvious reasons. If he's part of my life and I'm part of his then I need to know what he'd like to be doing, right? He also doesn't ask what I'd like to be doing, so it's not that great nope.

A note on him. He once did mention in passing that he was trying to "negotiate" with the landlord of the flat he was renting with some other guy at the time. It was about when he was going to move out, or something. And the landlord wanted to discuss, and he was intentionally withholding information. He was like the landlord can just wait while he decides on his own or something. So I know some people intentionally withhold information sometimes and he's one of those people. If that gives any context for this kind of behaviour that upsets me so much,.... I don't know.

Not right now but I do want to contact a couples counsellor. But the thing is if I don't even know what he wants to do in the next couple of months, I'm finding it hard to do this too.

Yeah, this is why I want to do the couples counselling.

I don't think some of this fits under different contact needs.

In person, he can ignore some of the stuff that I'm saying when it's just conversational stuff. I do want to talk about that too in couples therapy as it obviously does bother me but that's another issue.

Yeah. Part of the problem is that when I first had a close friend who started pulling this off after a while, I found it really hard to just cut her off (long story but I was trying to help her with some stuff), and ever since then I just get more and more upset if someone does this. Kind of a long story but it's at the point where I really don't want this pattern to continue, whatever the reason is for it. This is why I want to change how I respond.

Thank you for the suggestion, I will try that. What do I do if they continue ignoring that?

I'm always direct with them, but yeah when I get upset then I can't think of anything else other than just repeating the same thing with slight variations. "Could you please respond to x" this kind of thing. I didn't add an explanation like your example above or that I'm waiting for them to get back to me, though.

Can I ask what you meant by some people being unaware when they ignore texts/messages?

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The thing is I have a relationship with those people (friendship, romantic etc). So it's like when there is something they don't want to talk about is when they pull this off, and otherwise they want to keep the relationship going unchanged.

Sounds like totally dysfunctional relationships to me. They only want to talk to you when it is something THEY want to talk about & you want to communicate.

You wonder what your BF's plans are & you all talked about getting married? If communication is this bad not married, it does NOT get better after marriage especially if they have no interest in talking about anything that they don't want to talk about. Do you really want to live in a dysfunctional relationship that will just continue to frustrate you more as the years go on because frustration adds up over the years....I know, I have been there (33 years in a bad marriage with crappy communication.)

I have a BFF and we have been friends for 23 years. I realized last week that he hadnt answered a few of my texts going 0n about 3 weeks. So I asked him. I asked him if he wasnt interested in friendship or if I ann0yed him somehow. He responded with; ' I am teaching a college FT and my shows got picked up by the Public theater which means rehearsal every day for a month. It relieved me. But we are so close that we could go month w/o talking and pick up right where we left off.

By therapy I mean therapy for yourself. Not couple. I’d focus on figuring out why is this pattern of having partners and friends who are so dismissive. You can’t fix these people but you could try to understand patterns in your life and.therapist could help

As about this boyfriend. If you don’t even know his future plans, I’d put marriage plans on hold. He is in a different country and now apparently not even working and he refuses to share his plans with you. Nothing in it spells planning marriage. Wouldn’t you like a relationship with a man who is clear and direct in his communication and his intentions?

I think it’s a bad sign he’s ignoring you with in person conversations, and that he also deliberately employs the silent technique on others (his landlord). Is he agreeable to couples counselling? Or is that a topic he is dodging too?

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Originally Posted by Discombobulated I think it’s a bad sign he’s ignoring you with in person conversations, and that he also deliberately employs the silent technique on others (his landlord). Is he agreeable to couples counselling? Or is that a topic he is dodging too?

Maybe he is just dodging the concept of really being a couple & just stringing her along?

I’d say if a man claims to be in a relationship with me but refuses to tell me what are his plans for the future , it’s likely that he really isn’t in a relationship with me.

Also if they are a couple with serious plans to be married if think THEY together and not just HE would make plans for the future. It sounds like this guy does whatever suits him and doesn’t even bother share his plans..