Rough times, need support

I would say many men (and some women) deal with emotions differently. The first reaction will often be dismissing of the negative emotion. Especially when it comes to personal matters and personal stresses in relationships. Giving it time, and having a commitment to eventually deal with them when feeling ready and relaxed enough to do this difficult task can help. The important thing is that Have Hope's husband has a commitment to doing so, whenever that may be, with a little time before he can reflect on it properly. If he does not have the commitment for this, that is a problem. At this point if I were in this situation, I would want to clarify with him that he is committed to dealing with this. And that he is aware that the important things just cannot be forever ignored, even if they may seem negative and threatening.

I only saw this after sending my post. Yeah I agree that seems to make sense.

I can understand if that's threatening, having had to hear words like that from him. He should also have a commitment to improving on his coping with stress. Getting results would take time, of course, but he would have to start as soon as possible.

Good luck with the counselling tonight!

Thank you for understanding. It was rattling to say the least. And I agree - he needs improvement on coping with stress.

And thanks re: counseling session tonight!

Hope you have a good counseling session

One thing you seem to have started realizing (as I read through this thread), is that your husband is also struggling right now and you both sort of cornered each other at the same time the other night, and both of you were triggered and came out fighting.

My husband and I always had the hardest time when BOTH of us were struggling personally. It's like the flight attendant instructions about securing your own mask first before your try to help the other person. The problem in a marriage is that if you are struggling AND trying to help the other person at the same time, your personal resources just sometimes reach a breaking point. When you are BOTH struggling, it can get complicated, but it is important that you validate that BOTH of you can struggle at the same time and that doesn't invalidate either of your struggles. That's hard to do, but absolutely vital if you are going to make it.

When you said to your husband that he never wants to talk, that triggered him because (my guess) he's probably been keeping things to himself in order to support you. He came back making a comment about your mental health issues. He's not wrong; this isn't "normal." But of course he could have/should have said he was feeling overwhelmed because he doesn't understand what is happening with your or how to help, but he's reached that breaking point. And we all tend to say things badly when we break. It's important to own our own missteps in such complicated dynamics.

It took time (and the help of our therapist) to learn how to speak in "I" statements instead of in accusations, to simply speak about our own feelings and thoughts without trying to attribute the other person with what we think are their thoughts and feelings, to be willing to actively listen to each other (with our mouths shut) even when perhaps what the other person is going through is hard to hear because it hits too close to home. Being willing and able to not take things personally when we hear what the other is saying is about their fears and anxieties -- even if it feels like an accusation (so often that wasn't the intent even if they clumsily spoke and it came off that way).

In learning to truly listen and validate and give each other the space we might need to work things out in our own heads (instead of on each other's personal timeline), our marriage became SO much calmer and safer and comfortable.

Getting to that place takes time. It also takes an agreement to truly speak without accusation, listen without defending ourselves right away (give it time), willingly give each other space if space is requested to just have some time to sort things out so long as you also agree to talk when you are both calm and your thoughts are more gathered.

Thanks, divine!

Thank you so much. You make all very valid points. I think I will bring these points to our next couples therapy session, which may/could be next week.

I realize now that by what I said, "you never want to talk about it" was an accusation that naturally would make him feel defensive or attacked. I didn't even realize this until reading your post and absorbing the content regarding accusations and defensiveness.

Thank you for bringing these things to light. It gives me hope to hear that you and your spouse were able to work through the difficulties with counseling. I hope the same for us. I need to watch how I speak, too. Often I'm not even aware of how I may be coming across.

My individual therapy session went OK, but at one point, I told the therapist that I felt like he was on my husband's side because he always gives me my husband's perspective on things. I said I don't feel validated by him when I bring a legitimate concern to the table. My therapist's response was that he's trying to open my perspective up to consider other possibilities and to keep me from maintaining a narrow vision/conclusion.

Bottom line: the way he's approaching my concerns makes me feel invalidated. I brought up legitimate concerns, and he only just gave me other perspectives, rather than saying, yes, that's a concern and you should be concerned. It bothers me.

I know I should find a new therapist, but I don't have the energy right now while I am focused on a new job search. Yes, I am returning to work today, but I don't think this position is right for me, so I am applying again.

Our couples therapy session won't be for two weeks now because the therapist is out of town next week.

Yeah sounds like he's trying to skip/move on from that step too fast about validating your concerns, before moving on to opening up the perspective of the whole situation if that's necessary for a well working and constructive solution

Agreed! It's not the 1st time I've told him I feel invalidated and it's not the 1st time I've said I think he's on my husband's side. I don't think he's a very good therapist, because he hasn't adjusted his responses to me based on my feelings, and on my feedback and observations.

I went to bed last night in a bad state. I felt like the only things I can truly count on right now are my family and friends - not my job, not my income, not myself, and not my husband. I include my husband because I don't know right now how things are going to pan out. It could go either way right now, and only time will tell which way that goes.

He clearly isn't if he keeps telling you to consider your husband's perspective. What about your perspective? What about your feelings and their validity? In couples' sessions, does that man (I can't call him therapist) ask your husband to consider *your* perspective.

Feels like a waste of time and money... and emotional investment if this is not the first time this occurs.

In our couples therapy sessions, he seems to try to explain to me my husband's perspective. It seems or comes across that I'm the one who misinterprets and who misunderstands, according to our therapist. He hasn't ever explained my perspective to my husband.

And quite unfortunately, I just don't have the energy or time to find another therapist at the moment. Plus, it's hard to 1) find one who takes our insurance and 2) who has availability right now and 3) one who can meet us after our work hours at 6 PM. I have found that all therapists have their plates full due to the pandemic. So, we may be stuck with him for now, or until I have the time to look around, and I will have to stick to my guns and put my foot down with both men. ARGH! It's very frustrating.

That being said, I just went to psychologytoday.com and emailed 1 couples therapist to see if she has availability.

Great! That is good advocating for yourself and your needs.

It seems exhausting to always be made to feel you have to defend your position or feelings... I mean, it is not a 'bro club'. Your therapist's stance could only be seen as him enabling your husband and making you the problematic element in your relationship dynamics. How is that helpful or even therapeutic.

I know, right?!? I do feel like I'm the problematic element, based on the dynamic with our therapist. It's both exhausting AND most defeating. It certainly does not help me to feel good about myself OR strengthened in any way. So, I have to do that on my own and for myself instead.

This new therapist is supposed to call me today... I hope to hear from her.

And thank you for the encouragement.

I don't think you are "the" "problematic element". Just because you have to deal with very difficult challenges right now it doesn't make you a "problem". I can see how this would feel exhausting. I hope your next therapist will be more like building you up rather than trying to tear you down even if unintentionally.

Thanks so much and I agree with you. I really don’t get where my current therapist is coming from most of the time. He’s not a good therapist.

If he can't be impartial, it seems more of a male support group. Sometimes it's better to have no help than 'bad' help (which only compounds the original wound or issues)

Yeah exactly. What I don’t get is he knows my husband was abusive. So why on earth is he siding with him?!? My husband can be very charming. He works in customer service and sales so he constantly charms people in order to make money and he’s very good at it. So I think he has charmed his way around our therapist, who now seems to view me as the one with a mental/mental health disorder. It’s all just sooooo wrong. I really am beginning to dislike this therapist. Our sessions feel unfair to me.

With reason! He is siding with one person. This is not how couples counselling is supposed to go. He ought to have each of you hear the other out and facilitate, that's it. He is not doing his 'job'. He is actually faming the flames through his biased interventions.

Yes, he is! And that’s upsetting. Once again, I’m being undermined. This is a theme in my life.

A female therapist just told me she has availability. I hope she will be a good fit. I have to tell my husband I’m changing our therapist. Im not sure what reason I should give him.

Great. I hope she is more helpful (read: unbiased).

Reason: I would be truthful and say that the current guy is not working for you (e.g. 'I am not feeling heard' or however you are feeling) & that you am seeking someone who would be supportive to both of your (i.e. you and your husband's) perspectives and feelings. In other words, where *both* of you would feel validated and heard. Something like that...

Thanks! I love your suggestion too. I like how it makes things equal in our sessions.

For me, it only seemed like a lack of quality conversation. Just sit and talk about how the things are going, how they were, and you want them to be.