Stuck

10 Ways Narcissists and Alcoholics Are Similar | Psychology Today

@Starlingflock. How are things going?

thanks for asking. its hard to say. i think life sucks right now.
now my 14 yr old child is asking me to allow them to smoke weed. apparently their therapist is condoning it and wants me to be okay with it. the reasoning is that its the only way my child can go to school without killing themselves or self-harming. their therapist told me that my child is struggling to want to be alive every day.
before that, my husband told me he doesnt care about our kids' emotional support. oh yeah he says i dont need his 100 dollars a week more than he does.
my profession is miserable
theres a few more things that i cannot even handle typing.
i feel like giving up.
i feel like a failure.
im feeling unsafe everywhere or at least very sad and alone, or at least triggered, confused and tired of being so vigilant.
i have no one to comfort me or reassure me that things are going to be okay. trying to breathe and relax.

my child told me they have an addictive personality and are afraid of being like their dad when it comes to weed.
today my boss told me about someone's 15 yr old having a relationship with their therapist. im not thinking that is happening here or going to happen, but bad timing today.
my child was in a weird state and they were high and i don't what affects what.
im afraid my children are going to overdo it. like their forefathers and foremothers.
i think of my drunk dad.
maybe none of it matters.
hmmmmm.

Ok, first of all a therapist should not be telling a child that age to smoke pot. If your child is severely depressed then she should see a psychiatrist to see what medication might help.

You are not a failure. You are doing the best you can given your circumstances. Age 14 is a challenge in different ways. Is she a freshman in high school? If so, freshman year is the hardest year. Also that’s probably been further complicated due to how Covid really disrupted and isolated children. This has led to many children struggling with depression and anxiety. Also many have fallen way behind with their school work and many are barely passing which has been bad for self esteem.

Children need structure and activity and socializing. Any normal challenges have been magnified due to Covid. So please know that you are not the only parent dealing with a lost depressed child.

Do you live near a horse farm? Maybe your daughter can look into donating her time helping to groom horses. Maybe you have an animal rescue near you? Never underestimate the therapeutic power of animals. It’s worth looking into.

It’s ok to feel, just make sure you are not feeding into negative feelings.

Glad you managed to muster up strength to share. ((Comforting caring hugs)).

on second read, "husband" says he needs his hundred right now more than i do. and in the next text says he'll pay in two weeks.
hopefully he meant he doesnt care if i blame him for things, in general. not related to the kids.

thanks wise Open eyes. yes, i too was thinking that my child needs to get involved in something before going to pot.

i switched insurance plans to be able to access more resources for us. starts after april 1st. its all virtual support, but better than nothing right?
my child does see a psychiatrist and is on medication. but i will need to find a new one after the insurance plan changes. im very concerned about medication changes. whenever the medication changes, there is a flare up?

Wait and see, your psychiatrist may take your new insurance. Also, if you do get a new psychiatrist he/she can prescribe the same meds.

Your husband is a loser who puts his addiction above his own children

That is the typical addict narcissistic mindset.

they dont take the new insurance. i asked them before i made the switch. i think the meds will have to be switched at some point. its just another thing im worried about.
now my son might get fired. late again. ugh. i hope he moves on in a good direction.

How old is your son?

21. i'm sure he can get a better job if he does get let go.

That’s good, try to be optimistic instead of falling into catastrophizing. You have been facing some challenges and it’s going to take you time to buy of your sense of security.

If someone is under 25 using marijuana can harm brain development.

Your child can choose not to abuse drugs and alcohol like her father.

im feeling better this weekend than last weekend.
ive been having inner conflict and confusion about whats right to do.
i took some time to map out my relevant traumas, triggers, and my reactions to them.
im trying to be positive, focus on the positive.
still extremely stressed and anxious, low mood and energy.
still hating on myself a lot, doubting myself, so need to work on that.

Have patience with self

im trying! thank you.

i just noticed---i feel more real than i used to. i'm healthy now.

:-)

life is very hard though! i am very exhausted!!! i meant to be zen today and i sort of achieved it, but mostly i was just too burned out to get worked up.

22 year marriage anniversary is nigh. been separated almost a year too. i was sad to lose something that had been in place so long and so much put into it.

with all this space and time from him...ive gained much common sense.

whew.

I left my ex abusive husband 7 months ago... we are almost divorced. And I feel GOOD! I am at peace again, and I am experiencing happiness again. I feel revived and refreshed.. a huge weight has been lifted.

I hope you are at peace and feel happier, despite life being hard these days! Relish in the good feelings you have and those moments of joy and peace.... this is how life IS supposed to feel.

You are finally seeing the dysfunction that became your normal that was unhealthy for you.

It’s going to take you time to learn how to live your life yourself n a healthier way. There is a grieving that takes place in this process along with uncertainty.

As time passes, even though you still face uncertainties, you begin to feel stronger. It does require patience with self though 😉

thanks and that's great you're out of your bad marriage.
i feel peace about ending my relationship. still have a way to go untangling our lives, so that makes me nervous, but the hardest part is done.
ive had a pretty horrible last few weeks at work, and am almost shaking with nerves about going back for another week of it. theres no one to relieve me, so i cannot take a break. i was having an impossible time controlling my exasperation at work the last couple weeks. not good.

never known anything but dysfunction, unhealthy dynamics since birth.
working very hard to break the cycle with my kids.

i can live healthier myself pretty easily. its easy when i don't have to live around others decisions.

i really did believe my husband and i were overcoming our dysfunctional upbringings. maybe we came a long way together, but weren't going to make it any further together. im done beating myself up about the past, our relationship trajectory, that i hung in too long, etc etc.

i am focused on strength. i have been accomplishing the things im setting out to do. however my nerves really need a break.

It’s unfortunate how parents/family normalize dysfunctional behaviors.

It takes time to adjust, time and patience. It can be a lonely journey yet know others are going through long term relationship failures. When there is property and children involved it can definitely get stressful.

now my estranged husband and children's father is suddenly moving back to town. been a year. decided to move back in a couple days time it seems. he had a health scare and now is focusing on being here around our teen. says he made a big mistake abandoning us.

i suspect he ran out of resources there and wants to come back. lost the romance of his most recent job. lost the romance of his set up. he wont be staying here of course.

the kids dont want to see him and i've asked him to stay away from the house.

im annoyed because i have been busting my *** to help my kids repair (and myself and the house) and i hope he doesnt blow back in town to destabilize the efforts. not saying i'll allow him to. thankfully the year away from him has given me the self care to no longer be beneath him.

i guess its okay, its out of my control, he has a right to live wherever he wants, and him being in town does not have to mean my efforts and my kids efforts will be compromised.

my 15 yr old is already on shaky ground so i have to be extra mindful that they stay stable and feel supported by me.

fingers crossed for the near future.

You have had time to educate yourself this past year. You now know not to let him Hoover you back into an unhealthy relationship. Stay firm on your boundaries. 😉

he's probably happy to be back, and he's putting himself out there on social media, and people are starting to contact me about it.
ive been feeling jealous almost imagining him out and about living his best life, and i feel like ive been working so incredibly hard trying to repair and helping my kids repair from the chaos we went through living with him in his hard times.
i dont know what happens now.
its almost impossible not to think about it.
i find myself thinking about changing things somehow, evaluating, and recentering, all within minutes, several times a day. its like having him here in town again is kicking up settled dust, it can't be helped, the dust is there either way.

i remember his big personality, his attention getting behavior. in ways i liked it, and its what i'm imagining and feeling a bit jealous about. but then i remember how he was consistently picking at something, finding fault, feeling slighted, being angry, being selfish, being mean, being immature, and i cant deal with that. i could never be in love with him again.

all there is him being the father to our kids. and the kids don't want to deal with him so there is nothing there to enjoy.