[DoroMona]

Trying to keep this one short... I called my mom while driving home today because I knew she wanted to vent about something my brother and his family did yesterday. She feels they don't treat her well. So she vented for a while and I tried to validate her where I could.

However, she does this thing sometimes that makes me go ballistic and unfortunately she stumbled back into it. She was criticizing her fellow mother in law and saying that the lady should tell her daughter to treat her (my mother) better. But then she went on about how if I were mistreating my in-laws, she would never let me get away with it.

My mother is very controlling. It really drives me crazy where she invents scenarios where I'm doing things that I would never actually do so she can tell me how she would treat/correct/educate me. There was another time when a girl got pregnant really irresponsibly (long story) and my mother started going on about how if that were me, she would never let me keep the baby, she would make sure that she raised it herself. I felt so judged and infuriated and frankly embarrassed (this was in public, not just a conversation between us)--and the whole thing had nothing to do with me.

I'm a responsible person who treats everyone well. I provide more emotional support to my mom than anyone else in her life. I can't stand how she likes to imagine me doing messed up things I would never do so she could imagine correcting me, and then rubs my face in those scenarios.

Did I overreact? I'm experiencing huge work stress right now and am at my emotional limit.

[Bill3]

Wow, that sounds really upsetting and difficult to deal with. What do you do when she does that to you?

[DoroMona]

Well this time, I basically lost it and started screaming at her. And I explained probably 2-3 times why it upsets me when she does it and told her to stop stuffing me into her hypotheticals, that I'm glad I don't have in-laws she can harass me over, that I call to be there for her but she just wants to throw me in the *****. But she just kept interrupting me, trying to justify what she'd said, re-explaining the point she'd been trying to make, defending herself. Then she'd say she doesn't understand why I'm so upset and I'd explain it again, but 2 seconds into my explanation (which I was semi-screaming, I admit) she'd interrupt again with her justifications and self defense. "Oh I didn't mean to upset you, I have no idea where this is coming from, I don't know how I've created this reaction, I'm so sorry, I was just saying that if I were X then I would make sure Y knows how to treat her in-laws, a mother has the right to talk to her children when they do something wrong, if I made the same point to A, B or C (my cousins) they would never react like this, I really want to understand what exactly I said that was so wrong..." <- the stuff in quotes multiplied by 10, on top of anything I might be attempting to say.


Then I got home and told her I had to go and she tried to keep me on the line begging me to explain it to her again and I hung up on her...

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Wow, that sounds really upsetting and difficult to deal with. What do you do when she does that to you?

I just want to add thank you for your response... I don't dare tell my significant other about this, he'll just yell at me for wasting my time calling my mom...

[Bill3]

Oh my, she does it again and again, in the midst of supposedly apologizing!

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with these imagined scenarios/attacks.

I wonder if you have ideas about what you could do next time she starts on an invented scenario?

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder if you have ideas about what you could do next time she starts on an invented scenario?

That's a great question... Anytime I say anything deep or clever to her, she's just like, "Huh? I don't get it. Explain it to me again." I think that's just how she protects herself and puts me down. She pretends that she's just not smart enough to follow me, but really she's implying I'm talking incomprehensible nonsense. So I guess I need to keep it simple, like, "I'm not interested in this so I'm hanging up now. Bye." And then hang up. My brother recently told me that almost every conversation he has with her, or at least half, ends with him hanging up on her.

Or maybe I should be less honest and just be like, "Sorry, I'm getting another call and have to go, bye." And then hang up on her...

[Bill3]

Her method sounds passive-aggressive to me.

And I explained probably 2-3 times why it upsets me when she does it and told her to stop stuffing me into her hypotheticals

If you lie to her ("I have another call") the incident will not be a learning opportunity for her. And eventually she will suspect or figure out that you are lying to her.

(I bet you're thinking "She'll never learn so why bother?" ) Here's why:

I think you have her set up very well for calmly saying something like, "Mom, you know I hate these hypothetical scenarios. I'm going to leave now, have a good day." And then definitely hang up.

If you do this, two good things happen:

1. She might eventually figure out that if she wants to talk to you she needs to stop the scenarios. But even if she never figures that out:

2. You will, with honesty, spare yourself from hearing her scenarios, and from getting upset!!

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I think you have her set up very well for calmly saying something like, "Mom, you know I hate these hypothetical scenarios. I'm going to leave now, have a good day." And then definitely hang up.

I'm going to memorize this and use it as my go-to. Part of the beauty of it is that it doesn't sound like me. It will freak her out, while also being more civil than anything I would come up with.

Thank you!!!

[Bill3]

You're welcome!

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your mother lacks self awareness. This is what she is saying about herself every time you try to set a boundary and tell her to stop.

Bill has some good advice, it’s time for you to make the change in yourself because she clearly is not going to change as that takes a desire to become more self aware. Her inability is causing you to develop some passive aggressive behavior patterns. The good thing about you is your desire to be more self aware and wanting to learn better ways to deal with not just your mother, but others who behave like her.

[unaluna]

Imo, she never listens to what you say. When you are talking, she is thinking of what she is going to say next. If she responds to you at all, she takes it as you being hostile and confronting her. If you disagree with her, you are criticizing her, not trying to show her another perspective. You are just saying that her perspective is wrong.

The bible says, do not strew your pearls before swine. Accept that she is the b that she is and doesnt care to change. She is waiting for YOU to change! To mindlessly agree with her

Her saying "explain it to me" - is a dare, a threat, not an honest request.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

Trying to keep this one short... I called my mom while driving home today because I knew she wanted to vent about something my brother and his family did yesterday. She feels they don't treat her well. So she vented for a while and I tried to validate her where I could.

However, she does this thing sometimes that makes me go ballistic and unfortunately she stumbled back into it. She was criticizing her fellow mother in law and saying that the lady should tell her daughter to treat her (my mother) better. But then she went on about how if I were mistreating my in-laws, she would never let me get away with it.

My mother is very controlling. It really drives me crazy where she invents scenarios where I'm doing things that I would never actually do so she can tell me how she would treat/correct/educate me. There was another time when a girl got pregnant really irresponsibly (long story) and my mother started going on about how if that were me, she would never let me keep the baby, she would make sure that she raised it herself. I felt so judged and infuriated and frankly embarrassed (this was in public, not just a conversation between us)--and the whole thing had nothing to do with me.

I'm a responsible person who treats everyone well. I provide more emotional support to my mom than anyone else in her life. I can't stand how she likes to imagine me doing messed up things I would never do so she could imagine correcting me, and then rubs my face in those scenarios.

Did I overreact? I'm experiencing huge work stress right now and am at my emotional limit.

No! That sounds like how my mom would treat me.

[divine1966]

Grey rock. That’s the only way. If cutting contacts isn’t preferable (and I understand that), then limit it and use grey rock. Nothing else ever works with people like that.

Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Her inability is causing you to develop some passive aggressive behavior patterns.

Thanks for this. I was actually thinking about it too earlier today... I was thinking about this long lasting fight I'm having with that colleague. My significant other has tried to get me to talk to the colleague, but I keep on refusing, saying "He won't listen" and "He won't understand" and "It won't change anything" and "Anything I say will be used against me." Well but I do feel it's all true with this colleague...but maybe I would have been more willing to try if not for all these years of dealing with my mom and the way she always turns things back on me....

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

No! That sounds like how my mom would treat me.

Thats what i thought too!

[Open Eyes]

Just out of curiosity, how old is your mother?

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Just out of curiosity, how old is your mother?

Approaching 70.

[Open Eyes]

This type of personality can rub anyone the wrong way. Yes, very controlling and telling others what to do like she has authority. That can trigger anyone who has a history of a bossy know it all type personality that at times can be condescending. “This is that and you have to do this or that”. People don’t like that.

My older sister is that age and she can be that way, bossy and very controlling. Often that can come from a parent behaving that way, like a bossy school teacher given a license to dictate and judge and correct.

[divine1966]

I wonder if your mom is the same way with everyone or just with selected few she perceive she can dominate. Some controlling know-it-alls are very meek and submissive around people they are afraid of but then are aggressive and boisterous “know it alls” with those they think they can dominate.

I’ve met couple of women who were very submissive with their husbands but aggressive with other women or in situations where they could create a fake “know it all dominant personas” like internet bullies. I wonder how is her marriage to your dad? Is she the same way or is she submissive?

Most “know it alls” actually know very little on any kind of deep meaningful level. It’s a given. Does she like conspiracy theories? Lol And many controlling people don’t have much control in their every day life so they act this way to gain some illusion of control.

So I wonder how is she in different situation? Her husband? Work? Friends (if she has any)?

[divine1966]

I see she’s the same with your brother! I guess she doesn’t even care that she upsets her kids on a regular basis. She keeps on pushing! Wow.

[Open Eyes]

Maybe your mother is on the autism/Aspergers spectrum and was never diagnosed. Sometimes a person is wired a certain way and they are never going to interact in a way that is responsive and understanding.

Has your mother ever seen a therapist?

[sarahsweets]

I tend to cut out all the "noise" with situations like screaming matches and family. Whatever she is saying is noise..no meaning. What she is saying about who, what, where, or when...noise. You only need to set your boundaries and expectations, say what will happen if those boundaries are crossed and expectations not met.
So for example:

" I will not listen to you vent anymore, or yell and hollar and bad mouth people. If you are mistreated you need to talk to them not me. if you cant respect me enough to do that then we will have no calls, or very short ones. I will have to limit the time I spend with you" The FOLLLOW through

[poshgirl]

How this resonates with me!

My mother has been like this all her life. Even worse now her physical health is poor. But everyone else is at fault. Her mother was nasty, yet my mother cannot see she is the same. I've been on the receiving end of her unacceptable behaviour over the years and now, at 60+, it should be time for me to enjoy my life hassle-free.

I don't expect praise for helping her, but when it's given, it doesn't make me feel good. Instead I think it's false as it often leads to unfounded criticism. I'm also on receiving end of her displeasure with other family members. So, why doesn't she tackle them about it? Something she can't answer.

We haven't had a row for at least two months because I really lost it last time. Not shouting, just something I said. I wondered how I could possibly be her daughter. With hearing difficulties, she heard me say this behind a closed door, so must have been standing outside it. This will be thrown back at me at some point. Have recently told her that I'm not apologising for who I am. Just because she has a closed mind, doesn't mean I'm going to be the same.

So, she's getting more help from my brother and sister-in-law. That's not working out as she planned. Things he's supposed to be doing aren't getting done. Who does she moan to? Me! making excuses how busy he is at home and work.

Yes, it may all be just noise, but when it's being done to make you more malleable then it's controlling.

Hold on to your self-esteem. It's good that you recognise your mother's unacceptable behaviour.

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

This type of personality can rub anyone the wrong way. Yes, very controlling and telling others what to do like she has authority. That can trigger anyone who has a history of a bossy know it all type personality that at times can be condescending. “This is that and you have to do this or that”. People don’t like that.

My older sister is that age and she can be that way, bossy and very controlling. Often that can come from a parent behaving that way, like a bossy school teacher given a license to dictate and judge and correct.

I was thinking about this, in the context of whether or not I overreacted. Well, I shouldn't have engaged and should have just kept on uh-huh-ing, but once in a while she pushes a button and I lose it. Anyway, about your comment, yes, I guess that's why I lost it. Because she has been so extremely controlling in the past, especially when I lived at home. I joke to friends that my survival strategy when I lived at home was "Total Submission." Now I'm this old (41) and 2000 miles away, and when I hear the ways she fantasizes about controlling me, I go nuts...

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Maybe your mother is on the autism/Aspergers spectrum and was never diagnosed. Sometimes a person is wired a certain way and they are never going to interact in a way that is responsive and understanding.

Has your mother ever seen a therapist?

No, she thinks she's perfect. She wouldn't even attend a mindfulness meditation class that I tried dragging her and my father to (my father came). She literally said, "Your father may need that, but I don't." That was it. I've told her for years she and my father need marriage counseling (I don't say this out of nowhere, which would not be my place -- I say it every once in a while when she's bitterly complained to me about my father for 45+ minutes and I can't take it anymore).

She's definitely not on the autism spectrum. She was always social, outgoing, good with people, etc. She also has her circle of friends that she only shows one side of herself to. So they all think she's this amazing, open minded and fun lady. But then with her family, she has this totally different, much darker side.

In the end...I'm her therapist... She goes to me to say all the crap she needs off her chest, and after she's complained about everyone else, she starts complaining about me...