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  #26  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 03:56 AM
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I talked with mom yesterday. I don't quite understand our conversation.

At first, she told me she cannot afford to support me, except for $1000 per month. Then she tells me she can give me the $2500 per month I need if I take out a loan from her with interest. How can she now afford it, if we turn it into a loan?

She also tells me to get rid of my cable TV.

Ok, so I am stuck on that point and am upset by it. I don't go out much, I don't see many people, and I am highly dependent on my cable. I spend a good portion of my days job searching, applying for jobs, and taking my course, but then when I am done, I watch cable basically until bed time.... I enjoy my cable immensely, and it's really all I have to do these days.

I have two people right now who are interested in seeing my apartment as potential roommates. With a roommate, I could keep the cable TV and would only need about $1000 per month from mom. Without a roommate for May, I need to get rid of the cable.

Do I wait and see if I can get a roommate for May, or cancel the cable right now?

If I get rid of it, but then get a roommate, I will want it right back. I think you also have to return your equipment when you eliminate cable and then get a technician to come in and set it all up when you purchase your cable, which costs money. UGH.

Mom also got really upset with me in this conversation at one point. She yelled at me "I am not wealthy!" My understanding before I signed the lease was that she COULD afford to lend me the $2500 per month that I need.... she told me that she never said this. We had a misunderstanding, I guess.

She also tells me to take a lower paying job.... if I do that, I could screw myself over financially for many years to come, or even for the rest of my career! I need a higher salary to pay off all my debt and start saving money for retirement. I'm 52 with zero retirement and a lot of debt! If I go much lower, I won't be able to achieve my financial goals. I did not tell her this part of things.

I hate talking money with mom.... I hate having to borrow money... I absolutely hate the position I am in.
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Last edited by Have Hope; Apr 10, 2023 at 04:22 AM.
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  #27  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 06:12 AM
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WOW... I am having SUCH a difficult time w/ ALL of this that is going on....

between being jobless & lack of stability in my life, to going through a divorce and dating again....

I was reaching out to my ex abuser for support?????? WTF????? What is wrong with me????????

We've both been through SO much individually and together, that it's been SO hard not to at times when I am really down and out...

I have to remember someone's advice on here... something about taping my hands together whenever I am tempted to reach out to him. It's not fair, and I have to remember this. I have been selfish & drowning in my problems, looking for a life raft. Anything, anyone to help me through this, but it cannot be HIM.

I have got to be stronger than that, and I have got to get myself out of this hole I am in. I am upset with myself.
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  #28  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 07:43 AM
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Re cable. I know I said the same thing as your mom.

I think there’s misunderstanding that cancelling cable means no watching anything. We are considering cancelling cable and tons of people already did. Cable is too expensive and you can watch absolutely everything on streaming platforms for much less. Even if you subscribe to every platform known to men it’s still cheaper than cable.

But you can start with one or two. If you don’t have smart tv, you can either watch it on other device: tablet or laptop or you could buy Amazon fire stick or Roku and hook it to tv. You’ll have plenty to watch. Get Netflix or Hulu or HBO max and if you already have Amazon prime account, prime video is free etc Then when you have a job, you can add tv channels to your streaming platforms by paying extra. In the long run it’s all cheaper than cable and I think cable is a dying beast
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  #29  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 11:04 AM
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Thanks, divine!

I now have far bigger problems than my cable bill. I owe the IRS $3,000 for 2022 taxes. Apparently, when I filled out my W2, I entered "married filing jointly", which I didn't know was the wrong way to complete this..... less taxes were taken out for me all year, as a result of this mistake, and now I owe.

If I haven't lost my marbles already, I am now. I cannot take anymore crap, and am just so done with my life at this point.

And, I had to speak with my husband about the taxes. We got into an argument, in which he threw in irrelevant topics, of course, and as usual. He does that to derail the conversation or argument and to throw me off balance. I am seething right now.. he tried to insist upon seeing me tonight in order to discuss it. I told him no.
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  #30  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 12:45 PM
Molinit Molinit is offline
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If you take your mother’s money, you can count on her harping on the cable until you get rid of it. She will have something to say about all of your expenses.
Thanks for this!
ArmorPlate108, Have Hope
  #31  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
If you take your mother’s money, you can count on her harping on the cable until you get rid of it. She will have something to say about all of your expenses.
That’s a good point. That’s a way to control you.
  #32  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 01:17 PM
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We owe no matter how we fill out our forms. But the amount varies. We also had it “married filed jointly” in 2021 and we owed 7k. Ugh. My husband was about to pass out. This year it’s just 2k. The way to deal with it if you don’t have money up front is: get into payment plan with IRS or charge it and deal with it later.

Didn’t you do taxes together? So it’s not “i” owe, it’s “we”.

Your husband and you have to split it. He pays half of this. It doesn’t matter whose income caused the debt. You were married so it has to be mutual debt. It’s not YOUR debt. He is on a hook for it too. No need to see him. Nothing to discuss

IRS payment could be split. He gives you check for whatever amount or transfers money to you for his half of debt or whatever he could afford and sends the rest later
Thanks for this!
Have Hope, Molinit, Samicat
  #33  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 01:43 PM
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You do have a lot going on.

My mother has a history of suggesting help and then pulling back making you feel like you've been left in the lurch. Twenty five years ago I stopped engaging in that sort of thing with her. It eventually felt like baiting to me- she'd offer, pull back, and then rail at me for acting so entitled it just wasn't worth it to get involved with her that way. In my mother's case it wasn't always money, but asking anything of her was just asking for misery. It's her time, money, whatever to do with as she pleases, and if she does nothing, then she has no say over how things proceed.

I'd personally ditch cable in a minute. Probably a lot of other things too in order to save money. You can always get it back later. It might cost some, but you may like being without it too.

I've been reading a bit from The Minimalists lately and it's interesting. He went through a period where he reduced his cost of living by systematically getting rid of things, if only for a short period of time to see how it actually affected him. He even got rid of his cell phone and internet for a couple of months, even though he did most of his work online. He said he was surprised at how easily he could adapt. He ultimately got rid of his TV and decided he didn't miss it. In fact, he discovered he was a lot more productive and had a lot more time once he got rid of cable and his TV.

Ugh, I really feel for you. You're balancing a lot right now.
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
  #34  
Old Apr 10, 2023, 03:42 PM
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So sorry you are going through all this - take a day or two to recover from the shock, before making any decisions. That's what I think anyway - I always need a few days to recover from a big negative discovery or event.

I would keep your cable for now, because you are using it. If you have a smart TV or a laptop you can connect to your TV with an HDMI cable, you can usually get a few free weeks of Netflix or Prime to see if you like the content. There are a TON of movies and TV series on Netflix. We mostly watch TV series so I'm not sure how their selection of movies is.


But I don't think now is the time to get rid of any of the things that are giving you some comfort.


I really don't think it's fair of your Mom to say she will cover you, and then change her mind after you signed your lease. Can she at least cover you for a few months?


In any case it sounds like having a roommate is a good idea long-term so you can pay down debt and save. So finding a good, reliable person and taking time to verify they work where they say they do and that they have references is worthwhile. A good long-term roommate is a valuable thing.

I have fingers and toes on both sides crossed for you to have some good luck soon!
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Thanks for this!
Have Hope
  #35  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
We owe no matter how we fill out our forms. But the amount varies. We also had it “married filed jointly” in 2021 and we owed 7k. Ugh. My husband was about to pass out. This year it’s just 2k. The way to deal with it if you don’t have money up front is: get into payment plan with IRS or charge it and deal with it later.

Didn’t you do taxes together? So it’s not “i” owe, it’s “we”.

Your husband and you have to split it. He pays half of this. It doesn’t matter whose income caused the debt. You were married so it has to be mutual debt. It’s not YOUR debt. He is on a hook for it too. No need to see him. Nothing to discuss

IRS payment could be split. He gives you check for whatever amount or transfers money to you for his half of debt or whatever he could afford and sends the rest later
He is now saying he will pay the whole 3K of taxes that are owed. I am very very tempted to allow this, at this stage. I mean, I did pay 8K for our wedding and honeymoon. Couldn't I view this as payback for our wedding? That's my thought right now.
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  #36  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 View Post
You do have a lot going on.

My mother has a history of suggesting help and then pulling back making you feel like you've been left in the lurch. Twenty five years ago I stopped engaging in that sort of thing with her. It eventually felt like baiting to me- she'd offer, pull back, and then rail at me for acting so entitled it just wasn't worth it to get involved with her that way. In my mother's case it wasn't always money, but asking anything of her was just asking for misery. It's her time, money, whatever to do with as she pleases, and if she does nothing, then she has no say over how things proceed.

I'd personally ditch cable in a minute. Probably a lot of other things too in order to save money. You can always get it back later. It might cost some, but you may like being without it too.

I've been reading a bit from The Minimalists lately and it's interesting. He went through a period where he reduced his cost of living by systematically getting rid of things, if only for a short period of time to see how it actually affected him. He even got rid of his cell phone and internet for a couple of months, even though he did most of his work online. He said he was surprised at how easily he could adapt. He ultimately got rid of his TV and decided he didn't miss it. In fact, he discovered he was a lot more productive and had a lot more time once he got rid of cable and his TV.

Ugh, I really feel for you. You're balancing a lot right now.
Thank you @ArmorPlate108, much appreciated. I certainly am balancing a lot right now.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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  #37  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Samicat View Post


So sorry you are going through all this - take a day or two to recover from the shock, before making any decisions. That's what I think anyway - I always need a few days to recover from a big negative discovery or event.

I would keep your cable for now, because you are using it. If you have a smart TV or a laptop you can connect to your TV with an HDMI cable, you can usually get a few free weeks of Netflix or Prime to see if you like the content. There are a TON of movies and TV series on Netflix. We mostly watch TV series so I'm not sure how their selection of movies is.


But I don't think now is the time to get rid of any of the things that are giving you some comfort.


I really don't think it's fair of your Mom to say she will cover you, and then change her mind after you signed your lease. Can she at least cover you for a few months?


In any case it sounds like having a roommate is a good idea long-term so you can pay down debt and save. So finding a good, reliable person and taking time to verify they work where they say they do and that they have references is worthwhile. A good long-term roommate is a valuable thing.

I have fingers and toes on both sides crossed for you to have some good luck soon!
Thank you @Samicat.

It wasn't fair of mom, but then again, I think I may have misunderstood. I thought she was agreeing to covering the $2500 per month that I need. She wasn't, so I misunderstood. But now she says she will with a loan plus interest... I still need to talk to her again to clarify this.

If I have a roommate, I can keep my cable. But so far, I don't have anyone who is biting to move in.

I am still SO pissed at my landlord for messing this up for me for this month. I would have had a roommate already, if it weren't for him. I can't believe he f'ed it all up!
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  #38  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
He is now saying he will pay the whole 3K of taxes that are owed. I am very very tempted to allow this, at this stage. I mean, I did pay 8K for our wedding and honeymoon. Couldn't I view this as payback for our wedding? That's my thought right now.
Let him pay but make sure he isn’t interpreting it as you letting him to come back
Thanks for this!
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  #39  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Thank you @Samicat.

It wasn't fair of mom, but then again, I think I may have misunderstood. I thought she was agreeing to covering the $2500 per month that I need. She wasn't, so I misunderstood. But now she says she will with a loan plus interest... I still need to talk to her again to clarify this.

If I have a roommate, I can keep my cable. But so far, I don't have anyone who is biting to move in.

I am still SO pissed at my landlord for messing this up for me for this month. I would have had a roommate already, if it weren't for him. I can't believe he f'ed it all up!
Don’t have to tell but what did he do to prevent the roommate moving in? He seems to allow it in general
  #40  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 04:58 AM
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Let him pay but make sure he isn’t interpreting it as you letting him to come back
Agreed - I will tell him this.
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Thanks for this!
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  #41  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 05:00 AM
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Don’t have to tell but what did he do to prevent the roommate moving in? He seems to allow it in general
My landlord miscommunicated with the realtor about a new roommate. The realtor sent the prospective roommate an email, asking for a $250 fee to be added to the lease! First of all, my landlord agreed that a new roommate will NOT be on the lease. Secondly, the roommate asked me if there was any fee to apply, and I said no, so the $250 charge came as a total surprise and caused her to back out. There wasn't supposed to be a fee involved. The roommate was only required to complete an application, not a fee plus application plus being added to the lease!

I am still pissed that this happened. My problems would have been largely resolved had she been able to move in.
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  #42  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 06:17 AM
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Could you contact her now and say it was a mistake so she could reconsider?
  #43  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 06:42 AM
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Could you contact her now and say it was a mistake so she could reconsider?
She told me no and that she was being provided housing by her employer.

I informed her that it was a mistake, but she was dubious after my landlord DELAYED getting the application to her for DAYS, and THEN asked for a $250 fee!! He told me there is no urgency, when there WAS urgency and I needed to get the application to her ASAP. What an a-hole..... he seriously f'ed this all up!

ARGH!!!!!
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  #44  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 08:44 AM
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I should have just kept the personal loan rather than borrow money from my mother. It's stressing me out far more to borrow from her. And so whatever, I would go deeper into debt with a personal loan with an interest rate of 16%... that's better to me than being stressed about money through my mom.
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  #45  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 09:15 AM
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Hey, I am so happy to hear you got away from your obsessed narc hubby and moving on. I don't know what it's like in America but why not just leave your place and move back in with your mam if she has a spare room or something and start looking for a new place, you could find work and save a lot of money in the process or maybe moving in with your boyfriend, would that be an option?. This is what I did five years ago when the landlord kicked me out because he was selling up and then I moved in with my boyfriend but things moved pretty fast then and didn't like it so that didn't work out either. It just could be an option for you if you were desperate that's all.
  #46  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 10:31 AM
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Hope signed new lease for a year so moving with mom would mean owing ton of money to a landlord. And she just started dating a guy so moving in with him isn’t a good idea. Not recommendable. Sure people do that but it doesn’t usually end well.
  #47  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Gavreel View Post
Hey, I am so happy to hear you got away from your obsessed narc hubby and moving on. I don't know what it's like in America but why not just leave your place and move back in with your mam if she has a spare room or something and start looking for a new place, you could find work and save a lot of money in the process or maybe moving in with your boyfriend, would that be an option?. This is what I did five years ago when the landlord kicked me out because he was selling up and then I moved in with my boyfriend but things moved pretty fast then and didn't like it so that didn't work out either. It just could be an option for you if you were desperate that's all.
Thank you.... it hasn't been an easy process (leaving him).

I already talked with mom about living with her and we both agreed it's not the healthiest decision for me. So, right now I won't be living with her. Can't live with Jay either. He's not a boyfriend. I am staying put and am getting a roommate.
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  #48  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I should have just kept the personal loan rather than borrow money from my mother. It's stressing me out far more to borrow from her. And so whatever, I would go deeper into debt with a personal loan with an interest rate of 16%... that's better to me than being stressed about money through my mom.
Absolutely. Years ago my dad complained how I am wasting money living on my own instead of moving in with them and how I could save so much money living with parents. No thanks. My sanity was more important to me than money.
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  #49  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 10:50 AM
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Thank you.... it hasn't been an easy process (leaving him).

I already talked with mom about living with her and we both agreed it's not the healthiest decision for me. So, right now I won't be living with her. Can't live with Jay either. He's not a boyfriend. I am staying put and am getting a roommate.
No it never is easy. There is years of healing to be done afterwards because narcissistic abuse is so dangerous. Although I did recommend you move in with Jay if you were desperate but realistically speaking going in to another relationship during the healing process isn't something id ever recommend to anyone in your position. Good for you, stay put and keep searching for a room mate. You've got this, girl.
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
  #50  
Old Apr 11, 2023, 02:28 PM
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Absolutely. Years ago my dad complained how I am wasting money living on my own instead of moving in with them and how I could save so much money living with parents. No thanks. My sanity was more important to me than money.
Well, then again, with an interest rate of 16%, I'd be paying it off til death. But yeah, my sanity is important too. What's done is done. It's gone now.
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