Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Really? How did whoever have his account number then to put the money into his account?

Why do you listen to his lies? What do you really want from this?

Good point... all I want is for this all to end. I don't care anymore about getting more money or whether I am even legally entitled to more money. He's making it seem like something very different than what it actually is... I am after the truth.

You will never get the truth from him. But i truly believe that if you back off, he will start to worry, and then offer more money.

He likes to be on the offense. If he doesnt know what is going on, then he tries to appease. Try to be patient!
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Patience is not my greatest strength... UGH. But you make another good point.

He definitely committed perjury..

I don't have proof via text, but I have proof on here that on 3/12 I posted about him bribing me, and offering to give me money to pay off all my debt and to pay half my rent for me... and I mentioned his pending inheritance. So, he KNEW, yet claims he didn't know...... our court hearing was on 3/14, and he should have updated the court on his finances. So that's perjury right there.

Yeah, that means there are records about the finances, even if they are not text messages to you.

No more contact.

He’s bombarding you with barrage of total nonsense and very dumb lies to keep you off balance, scared and confused. He’s not even trying to make his stories believable. Stop listening. Either pursue though legal channels or just block him and move on. Nothing what he says makes any sense at all.

If you want truth, take legal actions. You’ll never get truth or clarity from him. You are shopping for produce in a meat shop. They don’t have it.

Thank you everyone...

however, now I have to give him back 5k. This all backfired on me. His brother wants him to take me to court for the whole 17k… so I agreed to give back 5k. Ugh!!!!!!

Why???? “Have” to? Was there a court order? No! Then no, don’t have to do anything

His brother can’t take you to court over your husband’s money. He wants to? Who’s he???

So now he is the one doing money extortion! Threatening you if you don’t pay. You do not HAVE to give him any money. Send him a text now that you now have proof he’s blackmailing you threatening to do XYZ if you don’t give him money. Then block him

I told him I am not giving him 5K back. It's all over now. We're done. He is the biggest a-hole I've ever met in my life.

Really that was the ultimate jerk move on his part. So disrespectful.

Yep - it sure was.

I am worn out from dealing with him today and exasperated. He tells me he loves me, then threatens to take me to court! Then again tells me how much he loves me!

I HATE him with a seething, enraged PASSION. Absolutely hate him! I've blocked him now (yet again) and that is the end of it.

I don’t believe in gender roles and I don’t have old fashioned views in any shape or form, but I am yet to meet a good man who is either living off women or try to cheat them of money or try to trick them financially or try to get out of paying their share (if not more). Those are always bad men and bad partners. That’s your first sign. Lesson learned.

Glad you got it sorted re: the 5K. Don't expend energy hating him - I'm just glad for you that it's over. You are free!!! Yes, he's a jerk and there are lots of jerks in the world so the best revenge is to live a great life and never think of him again. Hard to do, I know, but I think you can do it.

An insightful psychiatrist told me years ago that hate and anger can bind you to someone. Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love.

Thanks

It's hard not to hate him after the way he treated me today.

Tomorrow I will wash my hands of this, will drive to the beach, and will do some good ole self love and self care.

Good!!!


Yes I can imagine it's hard not to hate him and obviously you may need some time. But try not to let him occupy too much space in your thoughts.

What a mess. At this point the only winners may be the lawyers if you go the legal route.

As you both now have dirty hands (extortion and perjury) going into court, it's a toss up who could win. If you lose, you may be on the hook for his legal fees, as well as your own.

He may have a right to the 17000 back (or at least feel that he does), as you accepted it as "payment in full" so to speak. You then changed your mind, and tried to get more. You no longer considered it payment in full, so that deal may be considered null and void.

Your ex demanding the 17000 back probably isn't extortion, as he feels he has a right to it back so it can be settled legally. Threatening for money owed may not be considered extortion.

At this point, why not ask him if you can call a truce. You will sign a letter stating money received completes divorce financial requirements (you will not try to get more money), and he will sign a letter not to have charges pressed against you.

All money that has changed hands at this point stays with the person who has it, and you both agree not to go after the other for any reason based on the current information you both have at this time.

Using this site for any reason such as to prove dates he knew about inheritance is simply a bad bad idea. There is a treasure trove of information for them to glean and then be retold thru his perception, which will probably be very different than yours. There could be extremely private information that you never intended for him to know about. You could be handing him a hammer to clobber you with if you use this site. He could pass this site and your user name to people who have no business reading it while knowing who you are. You would be giving up your anonymity. He will spend weeks reading and rereading every last word you ever wrote here.

You may never net more than 17000 based on the fact it was such a short marriage. You had at least two periods living apart, so probably lived together as a married couple for less than three years. Even if the courts gave you more, legal fees could still leave you with less than 17000.

At this point, a truce may be worth contemplating.

I will try.... I have my call with my abuse advocate on Thurs and will be talking this through.

Thank you for your input and thoughts!

I am speaking to two different lawyers today to specifically find out (1) can he go after me in court to get back the 17K he gave me (2) can he go after me for extortion

I think we are essentially at a place of truce. We agreed that I keep the 5K and the whole 17K he already gave me. We verbally agreed to not pursue this legally. I wrote a very brief email stating that we are done and that everything is settled. I was not specific and did not mention any money. He hasn't written an email to state the same, as I had requested.

I am now researching on my own whether he can come after me.

Very good points about using this forum as evidence in court. Too bad I deleted my text history with him... after our taxes were done, I truly thought that was the end of it....

Yes, what a total MESS!!

My ex did all of the above.

I've blocked him - yet again. He can only email me now.

I think I spoke with him at least 8 times by phone yesterday to sort out this mess.... or rather, 8 times to fight about the money. He bullied me, he tried to scare and intimidate me, and threatened me all day long. I went to bed at 7 PM, exhausted, exasperated, and upset. I woke up at 4:30 AM again. I am burnt out.

He is one nasty POS. WOW. I knew he was BAD, and I mean REALLY BAD, but this behavior in him truly takes the cake. He flip flopped between loving me, treating me like a stupid idiot and threatening me... all day long. And I yelled at him back... oh yes, I did. I got angry, irate really, and I yelled and screamed at him.

I should have just left it at 17K and I shouldn't have even tried to ask for more. Ok, so that was a mistake, in hindsight.

One point still sticks out to me as a sore point. And that is whether he truly committed perjury or not. I am NOT pursuing this legally... NO... it's only for my own sanity that I wish I knew the real truth.

All I can think is WHY did he think he could go to jail, when I first confronted him with the notion that he hid his inheritance? I mean, I told him I thought he & his lawyer hid it from me, and that I was going to hire a lawyer, and then he drove all the way to my house, BEGGING me to settle this outside of court and informing me that he could go to jail. SO WHY DID HE THINK AND BELIEVE THIS IF HE TRULY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE INHERITANCE UNTIL AFTER OUR COURT DATE HAD PASSED, AS HE NOW CLAIMS?

He had been bribing me with money since Feb and long before our court date on March 14. He must have had SOME idea of a pending inheritance, especially since he was offering to buy us a condo, pay off all his debt and my debt, and pay for half my rent. He must have had some idea of what he may get, and weeks before our court date.

A lawyer informed me that legally he was required to update his financial statement if there were any changes, including a pending inheritance, and before our court date.

I think he once again, filled me with lies yesterday. That's what I think. I am going to go back to my old threads and find precisely when he offered to buy us a condo.

I think he offered you money in February. Yes we know he commuted perjury. For sure. But if you don’t pursue it legally, nothing you can do. But of course he did. No doubt. That’s why he gave you 17k so you won’t go through legal channels and he wouldn’t go to jail.

YEP - he DID commit perjury! I went through an old thread and found on 2/20/23 that I had written about his pending inheritance!!!!! AND that he had offered to buy us a condo, AND pay off ALL my debt and HIS...... so he KNEW the amount he was getting, long before our court date in March.

SO, he lIED yesterday and bullied me about this to NO END, claiming I am flat out wrong, that he can prove it in court that I am wrong, and that he can prove he didn't know about the inheritance OR the amount until AFTER our court date!!!!!

Well, I have proof in writing on here that he's lying!!!! What a total POS!!!!!!

Trying to prove you are right and he is a liar is going to do what exactly? Are you trying to prove you are right and he's not worth your time? Or prove you are right and he's a liar? What exactly do you intend to use your "evidence" for? It isn't likely that any info you get by looking back will change your perspective and you just lived a horrible day by trying to prove him wrong. What exactly is your goal?

Being a participant in his game is making you angier, unhappy, afraid and confused. What's keeping you in this game he's set up?

Ruminating over this and reading posts is only going to keep you in emotional turmoil. Ask yourself this... if I choose to keep proving I'm right what will I gain? Make a pros and cons list. Then ask yourself what will I gain if I stop trying to prove myself right? Make a pros and cons list. I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel angry or valid reasons. I'm saying that anger is a deep rabbit hole and going down it means more work getting out. How far down this rabbit hole do you intend to go?