Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Of course he lied. It’s a given. No one on here thought otherwise. But if you don’t pursue it legally, it’s probably wise to put in the same pile of lessons on why and how you should avoid men like him in the future. This is over. His dishonesty is just yet another thing. But he was dishonest about lots of things before so that’s not anything new either. So lesson learned.

Arguing with him that he is wrong serves no purpose. He’s not going to admit it. So good riddance. Be done

You misunderstand my point... I only wanted to prove this to myself, because he beat me up verbally yesterday all day long, bullied me, scared me, and threatened to take me to court over the 17K he had given me. ... now I know the full truth, and now I know for certain that once again, he was lying through his teeth yesterday about the inheritance and when he found out about it.. he lied about everything. So I simply just wanted to know the truth, for my own sake... not to prove him wrong. I am done communicating with him.

Agreed!!!

Although you quoted me in a subsequent reply, I am deleting what I wrote. I won't be replying any further in this thread.

Harsh.. if you’ve been reading the whole thread you would understand why I weakened at various points. And I strongly disagree. It matters to ME. Do you even understand what it’s like to be bullied, abused and verbally and legally threatened???? It’s horrendous!!! I want to write a scathing email to him to stand up for myself and take my power back, because yesterday I cowered against his bullying! What an a-hole he is… good riddance.

Writing him more emails will only prolong unnecessary communication. You know he’s a jerk and he knows he is a jerk. Writing to him again will just prolong all this. Writing to him will not give you your power back because you never lost the power. He can’t take your power. No one has that ability

The best revenge is living well.

Showing to him that you are distressed and angry is not the way to get power back. In fact it would show him that he has power to upset you and you can’t let him go.

Completely ignoring him is the way to show that he doesn’t matter and his nasty dealings aren’t effecting you anymore

Thank you!! I am not replying any more to him. I am going to move on and live my best life. And I’m certain that he will remain miserable.

When someone emotionally abuses and gaslights you, they make you doubt your own perception and feelings. It's very scary and and agonizing.

Looking for evidence is natural - not necessarily to use against them, but to convince yourself you aren't crazy. To convince yourself that whatever they are saying about you isn't true. To convince yourself that just because they bullied you into submission doesn't mean you are weak.

Maybe it would be good to write a letter, but then hang onto it for a few days to think if you want to send it. You don't need him to acknowledge that he was wrong. You don't need any further contact with him. Going "no contact" is taking your power back, too. Never speaking to him again is taking your power back.

You of course have the option of pursuing it legally but I'm not sure it's worth the mental health effects it may have on you.


Whatever happens, don't second guess yourself. Trust your judgment. You were abused and it wasn't your fault. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
And if he said "you abused me" then please remember that my abusive mother tried to convince me that I abused her when I was a child. Logic has no place in an abuser's mind, yet they can be masters at convincing you it was your fault.

A good life is the best revenge. Never seeing him again is the best revenge.

Thank you @Samicat! And thank you so much for your understanding!

I know you've dealt with abuse from your own mother - but I didn't realize or know that she had accused YOU of abuse as a child! Unbelievable!!! GRRRRRR. That can be very damaging to a young child!

And yes, living my best life IS the best revenge, which is exactly what I plan on doing!

I wrote a letter to him in my journal - I will not be sending it. And I won't be pursuing it legally with him - too much emotional turmoil, time and money away from my real priorities.

So that's that!

I know that your response wasn't to me. But you should know that I can say yes to this. 12 years ago almost to the day, I reached the limit of what I could take. I lived angry, scared, helpless, stuck, unhappy, suicidal and every other feeling that came from anger and hate for a few years even after my divorce was final. My ex would publicly laugh at me in the street when he was picking up our chiildren (i couldn't prove he was abusive in court) and taunted me with exposing private things I trusted him with because he was my husband and I was supposed to trust him. And that wasn't even the worst of the things he did.

So my question back to you is do you know how to recover from what you've been through? Do you know how to not feel angry and hateful and want revenge and vindication when he manipulates, gaslights and intimidates you? I do. I wish I hadn't waited to start figuring it out. I was content with being angry and feeling hopeless and helpless and I blamed my ex for all of it. He was after all the monster who damaged me to the point where I was broken. And the fear I lived with was constant. If I had started therapy at the same time I filed for divorce, I would have more years of happiness.

I'm not the woman who was abused anymore or the woman who struggled to survive it all. I worked on fixing in myself what led me to trust a monster to start, what led me to keep believing lies he told, what led me to be afraid, and a hundred other things that I could change so I would never have to live that way again. I took control and my life became mine to live. I'm indifferent to my ex. I'm immune from him because I became the person he couldn't intimidate, manipulate or gaslight. It frustrates him that I'm not his victim anymore.

You deserve to live without anger and hate. You deserve to be safe and feel secure. You deserve happiness. You deserve the joy I feel every day and the peace I feel every night. I hope you find it because I know how much you need it.

@RollercoasterLover,

Thanks so much! I do deserve all those things and already do feel those things coming back into my life.

And to answer your question, yes, I do... for the first many months of my separation, I watched many self-help videos on recovering from narc abuse. I have educated myself on the warning signs and on narc abuse behaviors. I have yet to fully implement the "gray rock" method or full no contact, as is suggested, but I have used gray rock periodically through our separation and divorce, and I have attempted no contact multiple times yet have broken it due to the trauma bond.

However, I am moving forward in my life. I am pursuing activities I enjoy again, I am meeting new people and am making new friends, I am losing all the extra weight I put on, and I am taking care of my health needs again. I am doing a lot of self care, and I am getting support. I am also injecting a lot of positive psychology into my life through various means. I don't have a therapist, but I am being counseled each week by my abuse advocate, and I am taking care of the life I neglected for the last five years.

I think I am doing pretty well, considering I lost my job and am going through a divorce simultaneously. This has been one of the toughest experiences of my entire life.

The one thing I am missing is a good therapist, but that has been very difficult to pull together, and is not a top priority. Taking care of my health, getting a job, and finishing my coursework are my top priorities.

Also, I have yet to find a really good therapist in my life and almost give up. I have had SO many bad ones that even I could do a better job than they have. My last therapist never validated my experience of the abuse and was horrible. He is also my husband's therapist, which is unethical and should not have been the case.

Instead, I participate in several narc abuse support groups on Facebook, which for me, are in lieu of a therapist, along with my abuse advocate who is very good about validating me. Everyone in my support groups have good advice they've received from therapists. Everyone says to focus on loving yourself again, regaining self-love, and pouring all of your energy and focus into your own life, all of which I am doing.

And as a result of all of the above, I DO feel joy again, I AM at peace at night, I feel fulfilled again, and I am loving myself again. I am even singing again in my car, something I love to do and stopped doing while with my ex abuser.

And, I am looking forward to leading a workshop in May, something that is a new development and is very exciting for me as a side passion project.

I know you have been through the wringer yourself, dealing with an abusive relationship too, and for many years. So, I know you can relate. If you have any additional tips for me aside from seeking a therapist's help, I am more than happy to hear them.

Ex husband, after I blocked him, showed up at my doorstep last night. I answered the door without knowing it was him, and tried to shut the door on him.

Long story short, he was able to get a few words in, but I sent him away and quickly.

He told me I have the "wrong idea" of him. I said, no I do not.. you bullied me the other day, all day long. His answer was, you bullied me too.

Same thing again.. I tell him he's abusive, and he responds with "so are you". I tell him he bullies me, and his response is "you bullied me too". As is typical, he can never take responsibility.

IF he shows up again, I am calling the police. He remains blocked.

@Samicat, I meant to reply to this part of your post... it's a very important point!

YES, gaslighting makes you question your own perceptions of reality. It makes you question yourself and your gut instincts.

And you're dead on accurate about why I felt the need to dig into the evidence, supporting my theory and instincts. He tried to gaslight and lie to me about this, and most adamantly! He said with firm emphasis "You are flat out WRONG, and I can prove it in a court of law!"

He will stop at nothing to try to intimidate me from seeking/knowing the truth. And, I found the truth, which is what my gut was telling me - that it was all a lie, and I had plenty of clues backing it up in support of what my instincts were telling me.

Naturally, he would not have shown up that day at my door, offering me 17K and telling me he could go to jail, IF he had not lied and KNEW he was in the wrong. There were plenty of other clues telling me he was lying, but going back to my thread solidified the truth for me and told me that my gut instincts were right on target.

So, I thank you for understanding and for pointing this out in support of what I did to discover the truth!

Also, I spoke with two different lawyers yesterday.

It turns out that I made out like a bandit. One of them told me that I would not have been eligible for any of the inheritance money, but for short-term alimony payments, up to one year. The other lawyer told me that given the short length of our marriage AND the fact that the inheritance came through after divorce proceedings began, that a judge likely would have given me nothing from the inheritance and only alimony payments, short-term.

So, I view the 17K that I got as a nice lump sum of money in lieu of alimony, which I had legally waived. The second lawyer told me that what I have received is likely a lot larger a sum than I would have received from alimony.

So I am now satisfied with the end result. And, I have now been paid back for the 8K I spent on our wedding/honeymoon and for the 2K chair I bought him. We're even in terms of what we each spent in the marriage - pretty much.

It worked out for the best. I kind of thought you’d not be eligible for inheritance but the issue wasn’t as much getting money as him lying and withholding the facts. At this point you most certainly have no reason to ever talk to him. Don’t open the door if you don’t know who it is for safety reasons. But if he shows up again do call the police.

How ironic according to him you are abusive bully yet he shows up at your door uninvited. You are not showing up at his door, You’d think he’d stay away! What a jerk.

It’s interesting to me how he seems to be wanting to have some kind of continuing relationship with you. Why did he feel he needed to come to your door to defend his character? When people are divorcing, they are done with each other and don’t really care what the other thinks of them because the other thinks badly of them and that’s why they are divorcing! This part is really strange to me and I am projecting a bit because I have similar issue happening.

Yes, the lying and deceptions were the real issue at hand. It IS slightly and remotely possible that a judge may have ruled in my favor, if I could prove perjury. But my only proof is from here, and I learned that 3rd party evidence is not strong evidence in a court of law.

I am not stalking him, and him showing up uninvited AFTER I blocked him is very aggressive and stalkerish behavior. I will have no problem getting a restraining order if it continues.

I believe it's because otherwise, he suffers a narcissistic injury, and he must defend himself at all costs against losing his false sense of self and false inflated ego. If I point out everything wrong with him and confront him square on with who he truly is, his ego gets severely punctured and he will fight against that. So he must try to prove to me otherwise that he's such a "good person" and "good guy". With a narcissistic injury, they lose that inflated false sense of self and can plummet into severe depression, self destruction and loss.

well said

I realized something pretty important... based on my husband's moods, my own mood and behavior would also change. So, if he was irritable and taking his mood out on me, I would get angry and lash back out at him. Whenever he was nice to me, I would soften and warm back up to him. Then the cycle would continue, on and on and on and on, going around in circles. There was never any stability .. so up and down. A total roller coaster.

These last few weeks of having to deal with him have reminded me of what it's like to be on that roller coaster, but constantly. Thank goodness I am out of that now.

I think this is a narc strategy - always attack when someone criticizes you, and never actually address the criticism.


Throwing the exact same accusation back at you is a total narcissist response. My mother insisted I abused her even though I was a CHILD at the time. Logic has no place in the narc's mind.

Yes it IS a narc's strategy. He consistently would do this to me. There is no logic.

I am shaken up after the other day's events. I never should have tried to confront him about the perjury, and it was a mistake to ask for more money. A vast mistake. Look what happened.. he bullied me, threatened me and tried to scare me all day long with threats of taking me to court. And now? Now I am shaken up over it, just like I used to feel after every instance of abuse with him.

I even am starting to feel like I shouldn't have the 17K he gave me. He accused me of "conning" him.... he told me that his brother thought I had conned him to get that money.

The whole thing is tainted now.

What’s the whole thing that is “tainted?” Marriage is over. It’s gone.

You got the money what, a week ago? Since then you have been thru hell, and it didnt change anything. I would say you earned it. Now let it go.

This guy is a salesman. He may sell service, but its still selling. When did you start caring what his brother thought? What two drunk guys talking thought? He knows you dont care what HE thinks, but heaven forbid his BROTHER doesnt think youre a perfect lady? Seriously? He is playing you - again and again and again. Cut him off.