Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

It makes sense. It just sounded funny to me. I thought he must be like at least 60, or older, which would be fine. But I see what you meant. Enjoy good times

I have a question...

I met a guy and we've been platonic friends for a couple of months, talking on Facebook. He came to visit me yesterday, and we had so much fun! He arrived at 3:00 PM and left around 11:30 PM.

Well, we had a fine platonic time together and he did not try to make a move on me at all, although he did give me a few very nice compliments.

Then, I found out something through a mutual friend that is very dark about this man.

Our mutual friend bumped into us at a music venue yesterday, she spotted him with me, and told me privately to "be very careful". Then this mutual friend wrote me a lengthy and detailed text later in the eve, explaining what she knows about this man that is so dark. It involves what sounds like possible sexual assault of another woman. This guy had told me about a woman he recently dated whom he describes as being completely nuts.

Now, my question is: do I judge this man based on this information alone, and distance myself from him, or do I continue to get to know him better as a friend, without bringing it up to him?

The mutual friend told me that he had gaslit the woman after she tried to accuse him of non consensual sex. She was allegedly passed out on sedatives at the time, and woke up to discover him on her and inside her. Apparently, she has texts supporting that he knew she was on sedatives while he was having sex with her.

I don't know what to think. I was horrified to receive this information, just after having him visit me for the night. But he was nothing short of being a total gentleman the whole time with me, and we had a great time, like I said.

I'm in a dilemma. I feel a kindred spirit type of connection with this man. What do you think I should do?

Why would you NOT believe what you were told? Kindred spirit or not, I'd make some tracks in the other direction.

You have a history of ignoring red flags and trying to make things okay in your head with people. You have been given a gift of information and you are perfectly ready to ignore it, it seems.

Because it’s third party information and isn’t coming directly from the source. Who knows what really happened. As far as I’m concerned it’s possibly heresy or he’s guilty. I’m not ignoring or dismissing anything. I’m going to proceed with caution and keep him strictly platonic I decided. No romance, no sex and no kissing. I’m not terribly attracted to him either. I just felt a kindred spirit sort of connection. And if this story is proven somehow to be true, then I will drop him. But for now I don’t want to judge based on third party information.

I’d not invite him to the house and would be getting together in public places. If he really does tend to act inappropriate, it would be harder to do in a public place. Then you’ll see. No one can pretend too long do you’ll know eventually. If you don’t feel like ending it, just avoid private settings

I don’t know about kindred spirit. There were all kind of inappropriate men you’ve met and you felt they were soul mates, loves of your life with deep connections. You tend yo feel very strongly about these men and so far none of them are worth it.

Is he from the same venue? Again there’s drama, gossip, inappropriate activities (suggested or real) etc Oh yeah of course woman was nuts. Not surprised he said that. Still same messed up people

I’ve never said my recent past loves are my soul mate, especially not my ex husband, or my greatest love or anything of the kind. That’s an exaggeration. Yes it’s yet another one from my music scene. I will be careful going forward. He wants me to join he and his friends next weekend but I think I’ll pass and tell him I’m busy.

Man, you people are harsh critics. Tough audience.

Hope many of us have been around the block and then some, so I can’t in a good conscience tell you that you should keep seeing this guy in private. Maybe I exaggerate but you often say how wonderful these men are after just few dates. I did the same thing myself! So it’s not criticism but a reality.

He might be a kindred spirit but you also have to remember that men who (possibly) capable of mistreating women often have lots of charisma and do/say things that get women all excited. That’s how they get women to entertain them alone and trust them very fast. So what you feel that he is a kindred spirit and so much fun could be just your attraction (even if not romantic) to unhealthy men. There are ton of good and fun men out there who don’t have these kind of scary stories about them

Joining him at music event is ok. Seeing alone probably not

I understand. Thanks. I just often feel criticized and picked apart.

Nobody is criticizing you. This particular group of people has historically produced nothing suitable and in this case, someone has given you a heads up on someone’s character, which loops back to the quality of the men from this group.

You do speak truth. I cannot deny that.

Last night I had a really interesting night.

I was invited to a small gathering at a couple's home about an hour's drive from my house. The guy is a musician, so they were gathering to jam. They have a whole set up above their garage for a band to play. It's pretty amazing - a great set up for a house party.

The woman had invited me. So I went and spoke at length with this woman for the majority of the night. She is an incredible woman of both strength and survival. She had suffered a brain aneurism years ago and a stroke. She was in a wheelchair with half her body paralyzed, being told she didn't have long to live. She fought her way through it with months of physical therapy and other medical treatments. She has defied all medical prognoses, was able to walk again and feel that half of her body again. She has a bit of a limp, but that is all. She is healthy and alive. I told her she is a walking miracle. She told me that being positive about her health and the outcomes she hoped for helped her through the challenges. She also has been badly abused in past relationships, so we had a really great heart to heart about abuse and what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I told her all about my ex husband, my marriage, and about all that I've gone through in the last year.

Later on in the eve, she confided in me a bit more and told me that she and her husband/partner are polyamorous and date other people. She gave me details of how that works logistically and emotionally. I was open and receptive and told her that I don't judge them at all, even though I myself am a strictly one man monogamous person. I told her as long as everyone is happy, healthy, safe and not getting hurt, then that's all that matters. She is also bi-sexual and sometimes has female partners.

I was hoping she didn't invite me because she thinks I may be bi sexual or a potential new partner for her or her boyfriend, lol. It was a very small gathering of only about six people, I didn't know anyone except for one other person, and I hardly knew the woman when she had invited me. I had only talked to her a few times at one particular music venue where we met.

I really liked her though. We had such incredibly deep and rich conversations about life and life challenges. I connected with her on a level that is rare for me with women (and men for that matter). I truly enjoyed myself.

Then this morning, when more sober, I was thinking about the whole polyamorous thing. It's not my cup of tea, but I had told her I wouldn't judge them. And I don't Whatever floats their boat, is good by me. And, I am flattered that she trusted me enough to share this with me about herself and her boyfriend.

She invited me to come back next weekend for another jam session, and I think I may go. Their space is SO inviting and comfy, with multiple large soft couches, dim and colorful lighting and a very cool vibe and atmosphere. They also have a new puppy that was just too cute and fun to play with.

So, I am meeting some new people and am making some new friends.

But, because of our lifestyle differences, I don't know how close I will get to this couple, but I can see myself being friends with them at least to some degree, enjoying parties at their home and talking to people. Everyone there was super friendly, welcoming and nice. It was refreshing, to be honest. No drama, no negativity. Nothing of the kind. She told me that they like to celebrate life. I liked that about them. She grows and sells weed for a living too. She showed me their plants and growing room. It was pretty impressive. True hippies these people are. But again, not quite my cup of tea. I do like to smoke weed from time to time and I eat edibles. I am not opposed to what they do and again, it's not something I judge, but it's not my lifestyle, not really.

Nonetheless, I had a really great time with them and want to go back. I am glad I am meeting new people and am getting invited to parties now.

Sounds like good times.

I’d say since she hardly knew you and yet invited you to her house for a small gathering and immediately divulged her sexual practices (them having many partners), I’d say they might be on a look out for new partners. Only talked to you a few times and all of a sudden wants you to drive a hour to her house. They might be testing what’s your take on it. And they want to see if you are a good fit. Announcing sexual orientation right away is also kind of interesting. Typically it’s not something you just blurt out right away. Dim lights and comfy couches lol have to chuckle about that

It doesn’t mean you have to participate of course as long as they aren’t pushy about it. Just enjoy good times. They’ll probably notice you aren’t leaning that way so they won’t pursue you in that manner. Otherwise it would be awkward. Hopefully you can be just friends

Yeah. I hope they don’t pursue me lol. And I hope we can be just friends. I bet she was testing the waters a little. Hmm. I didn’t think this at all last night but when you lay it out like that it sure seems possible.

No problem continuing to go, but if it were me I'd minimize or eliminate any drinking and if I do have ANY beverage (alcohol or non-alcohol) I would make my own drinks and if they were out of my sign for even one moment I would make a new drink. Since their lifestyle is not your cup of tea then it would be proactive to make sure anything you ingest has been made for you and only handled by you.

If there was one word to describe this music group it would be "problematic."

I would call it land of the misfits lol.

I am sitting here wishing I would hear from this one guy. We’ve hung out several times but he’s incommunicado in between. He doesn’t text or call me. We don’t communicate much unless I initiate. I want to hear from him. He invited me to his home for a social gathering in early oct. Does he not want to see me until then? I have a hard time reading this guy. He continues to invite me to do things with him yet doesn’t communicate with me otherwise. It’s puzzling.

He’s not interested. I don’t think it’s puzzling.

Why he still wants to invite you places could be because he doesn’t want to go alone. Wants a woman by his side. Like a wedding date. Or just wants casual encounters with occasional meetups.

If he was interested in more than that, you’d know. You never ever have to question or guess guy’s motives if he’s interested. There is never any doubt when they are interested.

“If he wanted, he would”. Don’t initiate and don’t sit and wait.

I don't know if it's that black and white. I will give more context and details.

He is a photographer and photographs bands. He's out 6 nights a week. He could invite any woman he wanted to. But he keeps inviting ME.

AND, he had invited me to go camping with him for 4-5 days early on. He also took a photo of us with his arm around me and posted it on Facebook along with other photos of the baseball game he took me to. His sister wrote a comment, saying "do you have anything to tell me, bro?".

He doesn't post any other photos of himself with any other women.

He invited me to his nephew's memorial service in early Oct. His nephew was recently murdered, and he was close with his nephew.

I think there's some level of interest, but maybe not relationship-level interest. It could be bad timing.

I am sure he's going through a lot right now, trying to support his sister who just lost her son, and planning for the service.

Well I didn’t mean he has no interest at all. I meant no interest in a romantic relationship with you, otherwise he’d communicate and wanted to see you.

How does he act when you are out together? As a romantic couple or a friend?

If you think it’s just a bad timing, you should simply ask where he stands with you. I think it’s pretty easy to find out. Personally I have no interest in guessing and wasting time waiting. Life’s too short. Unless he is a skilled liar he’ll tell you where you two stand and then you’ll know. Just pay attention to what he says

When we are hanging out, it feels like a romantic interest & more than just casual "friends" hanging out. I suppose I can ask him. I am not sure when or how to approach this though? Before his social gathering in Oct, I would think.

September just started. I’d not be waiting till October to know what’s happening. Approach like anything you want the answer for. Just tell him you’d like to know his level of interest and reasons behind lack of communication and infrequent meetings etc etc Obviously not confrontational

Personally if a man wanted to see me at a social event once a month and no communication in between, I’d have my answer. I might still keep him as activity partner/friend but not expect romance. But honestly if not sure, asking directly is a solution

Thanks.. I think I will ask him.

Again, this is someone connected with the unsuitable group. This will be a rinse and repeat for you, where you are "helping" someone during a traumatic time, they are not available for you to get your needs met because they (and you) are so consumed with trying to meet their own needs.

Yeah… I thought about it more. Now is not the right time for him. I think I won’t ask him now about it. I’ll give it more time and see how it plays out. I’d like to have more options too.