Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I didn’t think he was from the same group?

I do agree about yet another unavailable man. It doesn’t matter what makes these men unavailable, but they all are one way or the other. Attraction to them is strong. I swear I spent a life time attracted to unavailable men. They don’t even have to be unsuitable. They could be upstanding citizens. Yet unavailable.

It’s hard to break the cycle. I don’t even think we can break attraction pattern but we could become more aware of red flags and bail before you are too deep into it and start suffering. Dude doesn’t call and doesn’t want to see me but occasionally invites me to public events. Is it enough for me? If yes, continue. If not, bye Felicia. Done. Move on

You might be right about not asking. What you see is what you get. He’s not available. Asking wont make him available.

Agreed! I don’t see the point in asking. Not now.

He photographs bands.

It is hard to break. I don't have other dating options in front of me right now, and I'm seeing how I am gluing myself to my one and only option, this unavailable guy.

I guess I really do want a relationship, is the bottom line. I've been on my own for almost a year now. We separated last Oct. I have dated a few people very casually. I am ready for something more. I said I wanted to create my own life first, and I am creating one. I have made a few new friends over the last year. I've traveled to a lot of places on my own during the last year. I miss having a partner. I am happy on my own, but I prefer to have a partner to share life with.

Have you given thought to what you want that new relationship to look like? What are your wants and needs?

There was Jay, who I can’t think about without thinking of the late, great Jimmy Buffet lol, because of how he told you he just wants to boat and island hop. He told you up front he didn’t want a commitment. You do want that, and that was basically the reason that relationship didn’t launch.

This one you mentioned now, photographs bands most every night. Are you going to be happy being in a committed relationship with someone who does that?

I’m in total support of you finding a new, healthy relationship. I’m just suggesting you focus on who you really are and what you really want.

It’s perfectly normal to want a partner. But sometimes no good dating options present themselves and at those times it’s ok not to date. It seems like that particular venue doesn’t have suitable partners so maybe when time is right you’d want to look elsewhere.

As divine said, there aren't any good options available right now dating-wise. I would also add that although you have been "single" for almost a year, most of the year has been filled with drama with the ex-husband, Jay, looking for work, getting work, and now that those things are over I feel a very distinct sense that you are looking for something to dwell on or be involved in so your mind is occupied.

How about not dating anyone for another year? This is the first stable time you've had in your life in years. Is that an uncomfortable feeling for you? As I recall, when the ex-husband and the money, Jay was dwindling down or even over, you found yourself involved in the drama at the music venue with the bartender and her ex-boyfriend, which wasn't even about your life. Try 6 months of PEACE. No drama. Then go another 6 months.

I sometimes dated only because I was bored or lonely or had to much free time on my hands. Not because I’ve met such a wonderful relationship prospect. Was never a good idea.

And molinit is right, although technically speaking you were single, you really weren’t in a true sense as there were casual encounters, dating, attempts of dating etc Truly single would be “no men”. I had a therapist after my long term relationship who said I should have no men for a year. I didn’t listen. What a disaster that was.

I've just caught up on the thread and I have to agree it's probably a good idea to just be celibate for a while. I've noticed with female friends who are attractive and get attention from men that it's very hard to resist - for reassurance, desire, loneliness, and distraction. But it often leads to emotional entanglement even if there is no sex involved. And of course the challenge is not to fall for the smooth talker, because those are the guys that approach attractive, sexy women. They can be pushy, in a charming way, and it makes you feel like there is a connection.


I guess I've been "lucky" as a less attractive woman, because those guys never approached me. In fact I've seen the scorn on their faces just looking at me (revealing their true colors). I'm sure someone like Jay wouldn't have even spoken to me. If a man is friendly to me, he's usually a decent person. Or unattractive himself - but the jerky ones think they deserve a hot girlfriend regardless of how they look themselves.


So I don't know how to advise you, but maybe if you're used to wearing makeup or sexy clothes, skip them and get less attention for a while. Anyone who does talk to you is more likely to be a quality person. And being celibate for a while is a great way to develop the confidence that you can go solo in the world, hence less vulnerability to jerks. You are a quality human being and you deserve a good, loyal man.

I can second this. As a man too, being single for a while after my previous relationship made me less susceptible to falling for the wrong women. It works both ways, I guess.

Thank you, everyone. The issue is that I am very horny. lol. I want sex. I don't want celibacy for a year. And, I want to keep meeting men. I have this weird inner feeling of time... valuable time passing me by and life passing me by. I am not young. And, although there was drama over the last year with my ex h, I also spent a lot of time alone. I dated Jay only casually for just 7 weeks.

I did run into the guy I like last night when I went out. He definitely showed interest in me and kept coming up to me to stand beside me as he was also videotaping and taking photos of the band. I don't know how I would feel about someone always being out like he is. I'm not even sure if I am looking at him as relationship material. All I know is that I have enjoyed my time with him so far, and I want that to continue. Unfortunately or fortunately, he was telling me what's been happening in his life with his nephew who was murdered, but I couldn't hear most of what he was telling me because of all the loud noise around us. Nonetheless, he has his hands full right now, so I am giving him the space he needs. I could tell based on the little that I DID hear, that his hands are full.

I will think. more about what I want, but right now I want sex. lol.

Well there is nothing wrong with wanting sex. Or casual no strings attached whatever. It only becomes an issue when you inevitably want more from these men but they aren’t giving it to you, then there’s pain and drama.

Life isn’t passing you by if you aren’t having sex or not having a man. There’s a whole lot of other stuff in life! But I agree about aging. Time seems to move too fast

"What is the difference between a man and a vibrator?"
"A vibrator can't mow the lawn."

I always loved this joke. But admittedly I didn't hear anything good about men from my mother, so I always figured they were more trouble than they were worth. Until I met my husband obviously.

Still there are some pretty amazing vibrators out there these days.

Hahahahah I needed the laugh. My grandmother had some sayings about men. When she saw a woman dating a loser, she’d say why is this girl dating this bozo, even if she won her private parts in a lottery, she’d not let that guy near them. Pretty vulgar but funny.

I think when you get into sexual encounters with men you don’t know that well and not in a relationship with, there’s no way to know if there are good lovers. I’ve met some useless ones. In fact I’d say the best ones are those who are emotionally involved with you and for whom you mean a lot. In my experience the ones that aren’t that into you and aren’t that serious about you, are just no good. Selfish lovers usually. You might be better off with other methods.

You can hire someone to mow the lawn lol we own a condo and our HOA fee covers landscaping. No men needed 🤣

You crack me up

This guy is a great kisser. He told me Wed night that he loves kissing me, so I said the same in return.

LOL @Samicat. Yeah, vibrators are great, but not the same. I like physical touch. I want affection. I seek physical contact with a man.

Of course. Vibrator isn’t the same. I think the point was that if no good guys come along it is better than the guys who cause you suffering

Well he likes kissing you at the venue but why wouldn’t he call you or see you or at least explain why he can’t see you? I get it he’s not in a good spot with his nephew but he does things like baseball games. I am just not getting it. If he has no time for dating, he shouldn’t be having time to go around kissing women.

Oh Jay was good kisser too.

I hope this story isn’t going to end up in more pain for you

He did ask me to maybe go camping with him mid-Sept. So, we're talking about camping for a night in a couple weeks. So, there's that. He also tried to explain to me ALL that going on with his family right now regarding his nephew's murder. He seems inundated and I think this murder and family loss is all consuming, as it should be. I couldn't hear everything he said because it was loud in the venue, but I picked up on the fact that he's consumed by the tragedy.

Camping overnight is a completely inappropriate “first date.” He can take you out for a nice dinner somewhere in public. Camping is no effort on his part.

Camping overnight sounds like booty call. Being in the nature or outdoors or outside is a great date. Walk in the park, picnic, nature center, coffee date with a walk in town etc Overnight camping if he can’t find time for dating is weird. Overnight trips are appropriate when you are actively dating for awhile

If he is too consumed with grief to give you a phone call, why isn’t he too consumed with it for camping trips?

Dude is bad news. Not saying he’s dangerous but the way he goes about things isn’t promising. This isn’t going to be anything of substance

That’s so not true. You’re very black and white in your thinking. He invited me to a camping music festival so it’s not a booty call. We’d be hanging out together all wkend. He’s going through so much right now that I tend to want to cut some slack. I would not want to start a new relationship under the circumstances. I want to give it more time and patience to see how this all unfolds.

Well I do wish I was wrong on every red flag in these men. And I hope I am wrong this time and the guy is a dream come true. I don’t have black and white thinking, just being realistic about these men. Going to a festival is a bit different than just camping for a night the way it was originally worded, but regardless I hope you have a good time and it brings you happiness. I’d love to be wrong in this circumstance

Thank you. I hope you’re wrong as well but I don’t fully have the answers yet that I want and need about him.

Well I asked him. He says he’s single. He doesn’t text much. He’s keeping himself very busy to keep his mind occupied. He also sometimes doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on. So I got some answers at least.

What I read in all this (and what I read originally) is this is a sure-fire way for you to be on an overnight with him and the possibility is very high you will have sex with him.

Another music festival with the unreliable and unstable music group, where you will likely see your ex-husband again and rip the scab off that sore.

He is also probably working, so again it's very low-effort on his part, you are an appendage to his work trip and somebody to sleep with.

Please, stop accepting these low-effort attempts at outings. Why can't you go to a proper dinner and a movie with someone? This camping ish is for the birds. I don't care how much you like these festivals, these trips never work out well for you.