The God complex

It is really unbelievable that parents damage and try to destroy their own children's lives. The grief never goes away.I may feel better if I get a hug from my parents and a genuine apology for what they have done to me.But I don't think that is ever going to happen. If they accept that they have caused damage to me, that makes them imperfect. In their own eyes. They are more than perfect and never made mistakes and they believe it strongly. They are haughty and put themselves on high pedestal. They suffer from" God complex".

Sorry to hear that. Your parents sound like mine do. They are both narcissistis. They act like children ar times with tantrums, denial & more.

Same goes for me, too.

I don’t think they tried to ruin my life, though. It’s more just a case of they are who they are, and I am just a byproduct of that. They didn’t care enough about me to try to ruin my life. They certainly did not give any thought to the idea that they are harming me in any way. I was not a separate identity to them that was even seen that way.

The whole family has distanced themselves from my mother. Her response to this is to say she has bad daughters (which she says directly to me every time I call, like the good daughter I am). She would never consider that she is a bad mother.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this .

I can relate to this too, sadly.

I went through a period of grieving about the loss of the mother I never actually had but always hoped I had. It still bothers me sometimes but I’m dealing with it in a much healthier way.

My husband has noticed it too, he is very supportive which is helpful.

Do you have someone in your life that you can open up to or vent to about this? It really helped me when I was going through the worst of my grief.

It sounds very painful. I have met people in my personal life like that and as for me, I had expectations of them that were unrealistic. I try to take care of myself and avoid these people. It's hard, especially them being a part of your immediate family. I've been trying to take care of myself rather than seek for something I won't get, but it still sucks.

I am sorry jesyka,that you too have narcissistic parents.My mom throws tantrums and behaves like a toddler. My dad gets pouty and gives silent treatment if does not get his way.

I am so sorry TishaBuv that you went through similar childhood like me.For long I thought my parents were naive and they caused damage not knowing they were doing it.I was on denial because my own mind couldn't accept the fact.How can a parent destroy her child's life?My own mind explained it away being naivety. But eventually I had to come to terms with the reality.My parents acted with intent.There was active smearcampain. They isolated me from my siblings and extended family and friends. They told everyone I was a difficult child.And heck,they gave away my personal details to my stalker.Because he was being nice to them and he was a faux son to my parents.

So sorry Pinny,you too are experiencing grief and loss.For long I thought all of us children were treated bad.I tried to share my feelings with my sibling, not realizing she was the golden child. She got angry at me and told me mom was a good mother.I was so confused by her reaction.I then really thought I must be really a bad child and unlovable. If she was a good mother,but treated me bad,then I must really deserve it.I felt worthless.Not until recently, when I read about narcissism, that I realized I was the scapegoat and my sibling is the golden child.She was treated well that's why she got defensive when I talked about my parents.She was treated differently. Since then I didn't dare speak out to anyone else in real life.More over my parents are very nice outside the home,even to strangers. That makes it hard to tell on them to outsiders because they only see the good side.My parents have carefully crafted their fake nice images for the world to see.

Yes it is very painful 2ndDivorce, I too try to take care of myself.I have zero expectations and I know they will not change.But when the wave of grief hits,it thrashes me like a wave of tsunami. I try to distract myself, but feel helpless sometimes.It helps when I write here and when the compassionate posters respond.It truly helps.

haughtiness puts me off, too! I have experienced in both with parents and non-parents and both times it hurt a lot. I am sorry you are suffering, MMS.

I am quite the opposite of what my parents are, specially my mom.I am simple minded and a truth seeker. May be that's why I am hated by them.

When parents taught you can’t trust them, this insecurity then extends to everyone else. It’s hard to trust anyone, if one can’t even trust their own parents to love them and have their back.

How are you with other relationships now?

Yep,I agree what you said about trust.I do have trust issues and have hard time trusting anyone.The insecurity has seeped into other aspects of my life for sure.I cannot show my vulnerable side to anybody because of trust issues.I don't speak out about my abuse in real life in fear of judgement. So I walk around with this gigantic weight in my heart.

I can relate to this too (sadly)

(the parental units and their ''God complex'' )

Also unbelievable deceit and a smear campaign against me. It has caused trust issues and more.. (who can I trust if they s. me over like that with such callous indifference

I am sorry Fuzzy that you have the same experiences. Hugs.

I’m so sorry to hear of your and every one else’s pain in this thread. It’s so heart breaking.
I completely understand about not trusting people, I struggle with that too. When the relationship you’re supposed to be able to depend upon the most is tarnished, how can you trust anyone?
But the good thing is, that there are good people out there. So I urge you to keep looking, if you feel able to. Friends, partners, family, whoever they are, there is someone.

I too have the whole thing that my siblings have been treated differently. My mum is proud of them, but me, Im a disappointment. I work in mental health and my mum actually said to me “I don’t know why you work with “those people””. And that is the reason I can never tell her of my bipolar disorder. Even though she knows it’s in our family.
It’s so sad

I am so sorry Pinny,that you too were treated differently. Narcissistic parents play favourites and like to put wedges between their children,so as to have total control over everyone. I agree there are good people in this world.I do have a few good people in my life,whom I want to keep.I don't confide too many details of my life because I don't want to scare them away or burden them.I keep a courteous relationship..If in pain I prefer to sob into my pillow alone.

Someone once told me something along the lines of what Tisha Buv said, which is that it wouldn't matter who you are, they would have treated you the same way. There was probably nothing you could have done to alter the treatment. If one of your other siblings had been born in the # position that you were, they likely would have been the scapegoat. That may vary slightly diending on boy versus girl, but not by much.

Don't know why, but that made me step back and realize just how much it isn't me. It still hurts because who doesn't want to be loved and accepted by their parents?

Probably true Armorplate108, now thinking about what you said I remember wailing in emotional pain not knowing what else I could do in order to stop it all.Yep,anyways it could've happened, come what may. I feel like I have a cursed existence .Not only that it hurts not having love and acceptance, it also has a domino effect of getting abused by siblings and extended family. When others see parents don't care,they become opportunistic abusers.It just becomes too much to bear as a child..Everyone taking turns to pounce on you.

It pains me to read this. I have a close family member by marriage whose family had enough and disowned her. My family stopped talking to her decades ago. I watched a video on YouTube, one of the short ones, where this guy said you don’t need love and it hit me. These types of people don’t change. I, too, want to be accepted and loved and I believe that is normal. When someone does not offer it, and they can, to me, it’s cruelty. Many years ago I learned about co-dependency. I went to counseling for over a year during the demise of my first marriage because I was so sad. Now, my STX wants to drag the divorce and this is causing me anxiety because I want to break free.
Professional help may help but there are many resources out there that are free. Try not to give them power over you.

It does have that domino effect you described. I’ve even seen that happen with animals.

The abuse from my mother was nothing compared to the later in my adult life, emotional reaction the abuse from my husband caused me. It’s all tied together, though. The domino effect.

I don’t consider it a curse, and urge you not to either. That feels helpless. I’d rather be healthy. The psychological damage that was done is actually a scientific process that is natural to human nature. It just must be identified, addressed, and resolved to heal from the abuse the best you can and move forward in adult life. Of course, I have only learned that now, 30 years in hindsight.

It’s best to learn how to be healthy and work on that. Make healthy relationships and nurture those. Get rid of toxic ones.

Blueowl,I am so sorry to hear you are going through a difficult divorce. Hope you find solace soon.Hugs.

TishaBuv,In some weak moments I become pessimistic. Feel helpless.I am trying to stay strong as much as possible. Keep myself busy,find distractions and soothing activities. But there is a constant chatter in my mind that is hard to silence. I hope to heal ,it might be slow,but I will be there.Thank you for your motivating words.Hope you are healing too.

When we are very little we tend to think our parent just knows all the answers. Spoiler alert, they simply don’t and they also tend to be shaped by the generational messages and expectations they grew up with and see in their piers.

There were many generations that functioned on the “behaving a certain way in public despite things not being perfect in the home”. It’s also really only been the past 15 years where the label “Narcissist” started being used.

Also, there is a lot more learned about child development now than ever before. I am 66 and can look back and recall how badly children were treated when they genuinely had a learning disorder They were not helped, instead they were punished constantly.

I think it’s important to put things in perspective when evaluating a parent and deciding to think you were intentionally neglected and abused. While there are parents that are ignorant and negligent and even narcissistic, there are many who genuinely did not know and were often misguided by the messages and expectations of their generation.

Dear Open Eyes, parent or not ,nobody is perfect in this world and no body knows everything there is to know.I think every one learns as time passes by. What I was talking about is some people (adults)think they are born knowing everything and they don't need to correct themselves because their way is the highway. I will give you a very simple example. My mom always burnt pancakes. I remember saying (I was very young may be 4or5)...mom,they are burnt....And I am not going to go into the details of what punishment I got for saying so.My dad used to look at me with contempt saying you always whine and upset mom.The pancakes are just how they should be. They are perfect.I made perfect ones before age 10.
I am not sure why you brought up the context of learning disorders. I don't have a learning disorder,on the contrary I was a smart student growing up and a very selfdisciplined kid.A lot of my teachers have appreciated me.I am still not sure why a parent hates a girl,who makes breakfast,feeds the younger kids,serves mom and dad too,goes to school, gets A's and B's ,comes home,helps younger ones in homework,makes supper and then waits for the parents to come home to eat and rest.I have explained because you said parents in your generation punished for disorders as they were not understood.
After I read your last paragraph, I wanted to urge you to go and read my previous posts where I have shared certain things(that is only a tip of an iceberg),but then there are more than 800 posts to search.I will write a synopsis for you.
1.Burning a 4 year old by throwing sizzling hot liquid at her.(I got third degree burns on my lower legs,my face was the target,but I stepped back.It landed on my legs)

2.stripping a young female child butt naked and locking her out,because she decided daughter didn't deserve the dress bought by her.(I got attacked by a perve of the neighborhood)
3.Whacking a 6 year old on the head with a heavy object making her skull to crack for no reason.
I think I will stop here
Did their prior generations or peers expect this from them?Or modeled this for my parents.If so, there were many people who modeled how to be a parent around them to learn from.Why not follow and learn from those?There are good and bad examples all around for any generation. An adult can pick and choose and a lot of times people do.Normal people try and learn and correct themselves. I know you mean well,but I am triggered by your first sentence in the last paragraph. Trust me when I say this....I didn't jump to conclusions in a jiffy .I have beaten up myself for a long time thinking that I was a really bad girl.I deserved the abuse.And heck I have put them on pedestal myself and was trying to please them.Wanted tobe that good girl my parents wanted.Not until recently that I woke up and realized there is absolutely nothing else to do.Maybe she meant it literally when she said..go just die...I am alive against her wish. Now you tell me if was wrong to think my abuse was intentional. I saw a YouTube video just the other day.The person said it is hard to understand parental abuse unless you go through it.I think I did a good thing by not sharing it with anyone in real life.I think my intuition told me I will be misunderstood, so I kept quiet. Hence I am here on this forum.