People Pleasers, why do you have trouble being direct or have trouble saying no?

Also, why do you tend to make excuses & say things like I’ll get back to you or let me think about it & then never get back to that person at all? That’s very passive aggressive behavior IMHO.

Why not just say no instead of ignoring people? It’s hurtful to ignore people & waste their time. People do notice that. I aldo don’t like it when people pleasers flake out at the last second too.

I have a friend who keeps lying about things like getting together to hang out to go out of town but so far after two months have passed, no plans have been made. She’s always ‘busy’. She always has time to see her sister though who lives far away from her.

Even a simple plan to go to the movies is met with an excuse like, I need to ask my husband if we’re doing anything this weekend.

She used to take awhile to get back to me until I told her that I needed to hear a yes or no answer back from her soon instead of waiting to long to hear back from her.

I told her that I’d like to invite other friends out if she wasn’t interested or uncertain about going out. I don’t think that it’s nice of her to make me wait days or a week for an answer

I didn’t say that though. It is rude. It’s just a movie, not a major life decision, lol 😆

I’m trying to understand why people who are people pleasers are like this. I did read articles about people pleasers on here & I understand that they need approval badly. They are afraid to day No because they are afraid of upsetting other people

What I don’t understand is that don’t they realize that they upset other people by not being honest? People can eventually tell that they’re not being honest & thar they’re only telling people what they want to hear after awhile.

Also, it is annoying to have to not get a yes or no answer. I especially hate it when passive aggressive people or very passive expect you to interpret their no reply response as a no. It’s irritating & rude.

I’d appreciate a firm & polite no thanks, not interested to an invite instead with no lame b.s excuse.

And definitely oh, I got sick literally at the last second, right! It could happen, but usually not.

What does it really mean when you say: I’ll think about it? That you really mean no?

Why do you say that?

Please explain why you need approval & why you people please. I’m not trying to judge or shame anyone. I’m trying understand this baffling behavior.

I am guessing that true people pleasers may not understand this fully themselves. But I would think that it traces back to childhood whereby the person didn't receive approval or validation from a parent, so they aim to please everyone out of fear of being rejected. A lot of people people please, in fact.

Why do people pleasers need approval?

"Poor self-esteem: Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers struggle with validating their own desires and needs. They therefore seek external validation to gain approval and acceptance."

The following factors might play a role in the development of people-pleasing traits:

• Childhood Trauma: Difficult or traumatic past experiences, such as abuse, can lead people to become more agreeable in order to feel safe and secure. They may believe that pleasing others will stop any abusive behaviors from being triggered.
• Family Dynamics: People-pleasing is frequently a learned behavior. Children of people-pleasers may have witnessed their parents’ validation from certain behaviors and learned to act accordingly.
• Poor self-esteem: Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers struggle with validating their own desires and needs. They therefore seek external validation to gain approval and acceptance.
• Perfectionism: People-pleasers can often exhibit perfectionist traits which lead to a need for control over how other people think and feel.

Source: The Disease to Please: Hypervigilance Around Others’ Needs - Heather Hayes & Associates

You can always make other plans if someone is dragging their heels on making a plan with you. Then when they ask, just say, sorry, I made other plans since you couldn't commit. It's Ok to do that. Or, don't try to make plans with someone who persistently cannot commit.

I have told people, mostly in business related matters, that I have to talk to my husband about it first and will let them know. This is usually when I really want to say NO. I did it to stall with my answer instead of outright confronting them, which felt uncomfortable. Then, I’d have to eventually tell them No anyway, so idk why stalling helped me…but yeah. I’m sure I did it in personal matters, too, but not often. I never did it to a person who asked me to do something with them one on one. Maybe I did it about getting asked to an event with many people, and I really didn’t want to go, so I stalled to give myself time to think about it. But, I never left anyone hanging without an answer.

I’m sure I’ve had people do this to me, too. I can’t think of any times in particular. If this happened, they were people who were not important enough to me for me to give it much more thought whether I saw them or not. I never had it happen from people who were actual friends of mine. Those friends would not do that. They would either make the plans or have a good reason to say No, and I wouldn’t feel bad and know we would get together again. The only people who would have done this were not friends, just acquaintances. I would pick up on their cues that they are not that interested in my plans or in being my friend.

Does this happen to you often, with many people? I’m not sure why that would be the case, often, repeating scenario.

I empathize with how frustrating and upsetting it is for you. It’s a feeling of rejection. If you look at the whole picture closely, I think you will be able to stop this dynamic from happening and feel better about yourself.

Look objectively at:
What is happening that leads up to your asking them for plans?

It’s similar to an approach to how to be a good salesperson. There’s a book I can think of called something like “Getting To Yes” about how to get someone to buy something you are selling. Maybe books like that will be helpful to apply to personal relationships. I don’t know of any resources for personal relationships pertaining to this dynamic.

Actually, real friends have sometimes said they ‘need to talk to their husbands first’, and this was the actual truth. But I can sense when this is an honest truth from them. They get right back to me. They are enthusiastic in their tone about the plans. Their spouses are a part of the plans or a part of them being able to do the plans.

Thanks for the explanation. I trt not to make plans with fkakes & people who can’t commit. These days it’s become harder & harder to find people who aren’t fkaky though. Canceling plans at the last second has become socilly acceptable unfortunately.

Thanks for the suggestions. Idk what is happening. I have noticed that one people pleasing friend almost always tells me that she either has to ‘think about it’, ask her husband if thet have plans, or that she’ll get back to me later for almost everything.

It’s very annoying. For certain things she ignores me. I think that she has a serious problem saying no & by ignoring me, I think that she’s hoping I’ll forget about things or take her non responde as an indirect no.

It’s very weird. Why can’t she just say no thanks instead? It wouldn’t upset me. What does upset me is being ignored & kept waiting. I could be asking other friends if they’d like to go to a movie instead of waiting for a reply that never comes from her instead.

It’s very rude. Recently I told her that I’d appreciate a prompt yes or no answer instead of waiting for an answer or no response at all.

I told her that I’d like to invite other people out if she’s not interested in doing something. So she finally started giving me a yes or no answer back for movies, but not other things like concerts she’s not interested in. She still rudely ignores me when she’s not interested in a concert which is weird.

When I asked her why she didn’t respond to me in the past, she got defensive & said that she forgot, said that she was busy, had a lot going on, was sick. She used her autoimmune disease as a copput

I try to be sympathetic, but it’s excessive. We’re all busy & we all forget, but to use that as a lame excuse to avoid saying no all the time is immature & lame.

I never got mad at her for saying no ever. Maybe annoyed at best, so why does she do this to me? I feel like she doesn’t respect me enough to be honest.

She says that she cares about me, but her actions indicate otherwise. She never intiates plans anymore either. She stopped inviting me out anywhere for over a year or more. Weird!

Its insanely easy to see why allot of people are like that, because society has gotten so ultra sensitive to this notion that opinions come from bad intentions, its made allot of individuals guarded about even the most uncomplicated exchanges. In short allot of people spend too much time looking for the hidden slight, so they can be "offended". Possibly the worst word (if not the most abused word) used in the dictionary today. So the default position many have to take is this kind of hand holding posture in case they encounter one of those individuals that get triggered when the wind changes directions. People need to learn tolerance and acceptance when they don't get the answers they might want or anticipate.

I have no problem shooting straight, but I also understand there is a responsibility to understand who it is you're talking to by some measure. If you don't, then pick your words carefully that mean exactly what you intend. The final analysis has always been the same. Its not what you say, but how you say it that ultimately defines its value in delivery.

I also have wondered why people might not be direct but these days I try not to think about it too much, there’s usually not much we can do about it as it’s their pattern.

It sounds like you approached her about responding in a timely manner about movies and she did respond positively, but still delays about other activities?

Have you tried after a reasonable length of time (a few days say) of no response just asking someone else or making other plans? It sounds like you’ve given her lots of opportunities so it seems fair enough for you to get on and make other plans in absence of a response.

???? I dont understand what you’re trying to say. Are yiu trying to say that she’s trying to avoid offending me or that I’m being to sensitive? I’m confused.

I already made it clear that I wouldn’t be offended at the word no. I made it ckear that I would like to get a direct yes or no answer as soon as possible instead of waiting days or weeks for a yes or no answer.

That’s way to long a time period to get an answer foe a movie oe a concert Eapecially when time is limited as tickets go on sale ar a certsin time & sell out wuick. It’s not the time to be wishy washy. I sometimes wonder if it’s a stall tactic & the million questions are a way to delay things so that I give up & ask someone else

I would give up if I had more options, ugh, do annoying! When she says yes, she does get the tickets & she does commit to be fair.

Yes, you’re right about everything. I think that she intentionally ignores invites to some concerts & more costly outings because she’s not interested or she doesn’t have the money to spend but she doesn’t want to admit that due to her pride. It’s so silly.

I’d understand if she said she couldn’t afford to go out. Why can’t she just say no? I told her that it wouldn’t offend me. Ignoring me IS offensive though.

I think that she intentionally ignores me hoping that I won’t bother to mention things again. It’s like she is trying to tell me that she’s saying no indirectly. Why not just say no directly?

She rarely says yes or no. It’s almost always, let me think about it or let me ask my husband if we have plans, ugh!

She’s becoming more distant & unreliable now which worries me. Hopefully she’s not doing the slow fade.

Why would she ignore me like this? Should I say anything about her dismissive behavior?

Some people just don't like confrontation & may have nothing to do with people pleasing. Sometimes they hope that the other person will be the one who gives up & fades away when they don't willingly do everything the other person wants them to do with them.

Fading away is fine actually it is just a non-confrontational way of saying "I'm just not that into being friends with you" & is a hint that most people would take instead of making an issue out of it.

If she says she has to think about it....go ahead & ask those other friends. "IF" she finally gets back to you & you have made other arrangements with someone else....just let her know....no big deal. Don't wait around for an answer when most times you don't get one.

If that is something that bothers her (which I doubt it is) then the next time she will get back with you sooner IF SHE IS REALLY INTERESTED.

Don't let other peoples indecision or lack of response control your life.

Yeah, I've had it happen to me recently too. I actually unfriended a new male friend for just that reason. I can't tolerate it. We all have our own level of tolerance, so it's perfectly acceptable if flakiness is not something you wish to deal with. I certainly don't.

I was answering your question as it applied in general since you gave multiple examples. In terms of your specific situation with that girl, I think you got your answer. I would retool your thinking from what she is saying and think about it more in terms of how you're receiving it.

What is consistent about all her answers? There's no "yes" in there for these requests. Why waste time with someone who feeds you excuses? When it comes to decisions, I like people who can give me an answer. If they dilly dally, or hide behind their calendar then I assume the answer has been delivered. If you need to examine a scenario involving "tactics" then from my vantage point, it becomes you who are hanging around.

I like people who want to be around with me. And yes, there are people out there that have a hard time saying "no". So in those situations, you need to shoulder that knowledge and understand its your time to make a move and get out of that picture instead of it being stated to you. Find a straight shooter that will gel with you.

I’m not sure if she is doing the slow fade. Her & her husband recently took me to dinner for my birthday. So if she was doing the slow fade, then why do that plus get me a gift as well?

She has always been like this in the 5 or more years I have known her. She has gotten worse with these vague wishy washy answers though.

It’s weird. She is so bad that she let herself be used by this former mooch friend who I wrote about on here awhile back.

She did finally say no to paying for her meal once. So maybe she has a very difficult time saying no directly. Why is it so hard for some people to just say no?

I have never gotten upset at her for saying no.

Sorry to hear that. Did he use the same lame excuses too? Did you say anything to him or not?

Could you ask her or any of these other people why can’t they just say no?

Thanks for explaining things. She doesn’t always use these lame excuses. She does say yes to me directly fir some things.

It’s still irritating that she can’t say no to the things that she’s not interested in doing directly .

Why do some people have such a hard time saying no to anything directly? I never got upset at her for saying no ever.

I said something to him yes. I said I was really disappointed and that it was lame of him.

I think that I have but I can’t remember what they said. I do remember that one former people pleasing friend told me that it’s’rude’ to be direct & that it’s rude to say no as it hurts other people’s feelings.

She was so extreme that she said I was rude & that I ruined a game & offended her friends by not wanting to play a hard boring strategy game that she nguiltvtripped & manipulated me into playing.

She told me that I needed to play these games to ‘fir in’ her game group ugh! Rude!

I don’t understand how I could ruin a stupid game that way. I think she was trying to control me.

It was beyond ridiculous. She was obsessed with her games.

I’ll probably get some lame wishy washy answer like ‘I’ve bern busy, I’m going through a lot, etc. I’ll do that in person next time.

Good! What did he say back?

I unfriended him before he could truly reply.

One thought. Some people genuinely have trouble organising their thoughts, they struggle with indecision. In which case it’s very much about them not you.

Some people just feel that saying "no" is a form of confrontation because its delivering what in their minds is bad news. And rather than saying it, which might make them uncomfortable, they feel it necessary to deliver it in what they deem a more forgiving manner.

I have a friend I've known over 50 years and he almost never says no when he has to turn things down. He will say, " Lets see how it looks when it gets closer and I'll let you know." Which is an entirely different answer from when he wants to do something. So while I never get "no" directly , I've come to understand what his version of "no" is and don't give it any more consideration when I hear those deliveries.

Its a kind of an unspoken understanding and perhaps that's what you should do with this person.

Next time you ask her, if you still want to ask her to go places with you, give her a deadline for when you need her decision. "I need to buy tickets by Sunday night, so do get back to me soon". And if she does not, take it as a no. If this happens a couple more times, stop asking her to go to concerts or movies

I see. I don’t think it’s rude to say no. My friend sounds like your friend. I guess we’re expected to read in between the lines, ugh.

That’s a great idea, to establish a deadline so that she won’t have time to be wishy washy. Thanks.