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#1
Feb 05, 2008, 06:25 PM
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Not sure where to turn. My husband's depression has been around for 6 months this time. He is withdrawing into himself, goes to bed at 9.30 pm and rarely talks about anything at length. He is at home raising our son and I work full time. He says he wants to be occupied while our 6 year old is at school but every suggestion I make is met with reasons why it is not suitable. Then he gets frustrated that I am not helping him.
I want to be in a happy positive marriage and the thought of living in silence for years is torture. I don't know where to turn - am seeing my doctor as my husband will not. He says they will give him drugs which doesn't help. He says he is not sleeping, lives in his head, has to remind himself to shower and wanted to change our name in case someone made jokes about it to our son. I can't think this is normal and do not know whether to push him or let him be. Very stressed and upset - I can't afford to be ill or off work, or not to cope but feel like my head is going to explode. Any suggestions from anyone? |
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#2
Feb 05, 2008, 06:45 PM
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Tell you husband how it is and that he has to help work on getting himself better. Has to either try something on his own or see a doctor. You are not responsible for what he occupies his time with! Don't let him put it on you that you are not helping him. You cannot do an occupation for him. You've given his ideas, tell him to either do self-help for his condition or see a doctor, etc. Use your own example of seeing your doctor to make the point he needs to do the same if only out of fairness. You are not happy, he is not happy; both of you have to do something about that for their "half" at least!
But have a talk and make up a plan that you find reasonable for yourself and let him know what you expect. If he will not, is not interested in doing for himself or to help you, you need to have consequences. As you say, "I want to be in a happy positive marriage and the thought of living in silence for years is torture." You cannot allow yourself to go down with him, to be tortured, if he will not see help.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#3
Feb 05, 2008, 06:59 PM
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(((((kris2912))))) You're between a rock and a hard place! Sometimes tough love is needed. You can't help him if he's unwilling to help himself.
__________________
I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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#4
Feb 05, 2008, 08:11 PM
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hi kris. i kinda been there but on the other side. i stay home and take care of our son while my wife works. im bipolar and i get depression like that off and on, don't wanna go nowhere or do nothing just want to hide all the time and can't sleep. theres probably different reasons for everyone why they get those feelings i'm sorry but i don't know what to say about what will make your husband feel better but when i get like that i don't even know how much it hurts my family until my wife tells me that she needs me back out of my head. i've been in therapy for years and its always been talking there with my wife coming with me that gets me back to reality every time. maybe you can get him to go when he knows how much it is hurting you for him to be like that. good luck
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#5
Feb 06, 2008, 04:14 AM
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Hey, thanks for the words of advice and comfort. sincity74 - am sorry to hear that you struggle with this. My husband sees a counsellor every 2 weeks but they seem to go round the same circle and not look to how he can move forward. He tells me she is not there to tell him what to do, and I agree, but I would have thought she would help him explore how he can try to move on in some way. She is also not linked to our doctors in any way so there is no feedback to them at all.
I will see what support the doctor can offer me - my real panic is that I get ill in some way and then where will we be? Maybe we could attend some counselling together - I will ask him after I have seen the doctor - that may be a measure of how willing he is to get better. |
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#6
Feb 06, 2008, 09:39 AM
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This all depends on your husband and whether he wants to get better now. It's not fair to do this to you neither, you have enough on your plate I'm sure. I'd give him the alternative...tell him, either you get TRY your hardest to get better or continue living this a way. Sometimes when you get into that pit of depression nothing seems to help, but the reality is theres a world of help out there.
I hope things get better for you and family. |
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#7
Feb 07, 2008, 02:56 AM
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Sounds like classic depression symptoms. Tell him to try this forum. Lots of wonderful people here.
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#8
Feb 07, 2008, 07:42 AM
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I agree he needs to get some medical help. Its not healthy just to let depression run its course.
__________________
Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die. R.I.P. Bandit 7-12-08 I love you I miss you. |
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#9
Feb 07, 2008, 12:30 PM
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Thanks again.
I have now seen my doctor after spending the best part of 2 days in tears myself!! I asked my husband to see someone with me, which he says he discussed with his counsellor. She apparently said she did not think we needed to see someone together. Not sure how she decided that as she knows nothing about how I am feeling - perhaps she is psychic! Anyway I have told him that I will still look for some help for me, even if he does not feel comfortable with seeing someone together. He says he is going to focus on being a good dad to our son and not worrying about what he thinks others think of him for not working outside the home. Back to a bit of a waiting game I guess, to see if he takes any positive steps towards this. |
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