How to Date After an Abusive Relationship?

I was divorced in March, separated almost a year ago in Oct. It's been nearly a year of being single again.

I dated a guy casually for 2 months around the time of my divorce. That ended because I started to develop feelings and wanted more closeness, but he kept me at arms length, so we cut loose.

I am out having a good time on my own, meeting and making new friends, males and females. I love live music the most, so that is what I do in my free time. I go to shows alone, meet people or see acquaintances I know, and I typically have a great time.

I've met two men over recent months and I've been hanging out with each of them periodically. I am not dating either one of them, but I am feeling it out with them and am getting to know them to see if I DO want to date.

Guy #1 keeps me at a distance - just like my former lover. We have fun together, but in between times that we see each other, he doesn't communicate with me at all. We've had some hot and heavy make out sessions each time we've seen each other and there's an unmistakable attraction between us. He is having a social gathering early Oct and he got us a hotel room for the night. You can read into what that likely means.... I am gathering that this man, like my former lover, doesn't want a relationship but something more casual. I agreed to spend the night with him, but now I am wondering if I shouldn't.

And that's because of guy #2. I just returned from a weekend of camping at a music festival with guy #2, who invited me to go with he and his best girlfriends. We had SO much fun!!!! It was an amazing festival and an amazing experience. I met three incredible women who were SO welcoming of me, with open arms and lots of heartfelt love in the air. Wonderful people! And guy #2 and I hung out all weekend, and we kissed at different times throughout the night. We slept side-by-side in a tent together, but did not have sex. We agreed not to do that, but we did snuggle. It was the nicest evening I have spent with a man in a long, long time. It felt good to lay my head on his chest, and I felt safe and comfortable. He was also very complimentary of me all weekend, he treated me to everything, and told me that he's going to spoil me.

I did tell guy #2 this weekend that I am hanging out with another man, very casually. I wanted to be honest and upfront, so I informed him. He interprets that as meaning he has competition.

Guy #2 talks to me everyday on messenger. We say good morning and good night to each other every day practically, with heart emojis and what not. I like that he is communicative versus guy #1 who is not at all communicative. He runs his own home building business and is very successful. He has his own home and a 13-year old son who lives with him during the week days. I like him... the more time I spend with him, the more appealing he is to me. But I want to get to know his character, see how he treats me and learn whether he is trustworthy. For me, trust is earned now and not immediately granted blindly. I told him this.

There are some rumors and negative gossip running around about guy #2, spread only by one person who's got some major issues. He told me it's not true and it has to do with another woman. This woman offered to talk to me directly about him and about this negative gossip, which she herself denies is true. So I believe him and not the person who is spreading the rumor.

I feel cautious and wary, while I am also having fun. This go around, I want to be far pickier about whom I choose to actually date.

In the meantime, I am having a TON of fun doing what I am doing, being free and being able to pick and choose amongst the suitors out there.

Guy #2 wants to visit me next weekend, and I think I may allow it. He wants to go kayaking, which I would love to do with him.

So I am playing the field a bit and it feels empowering. I've never really done that.... it's the most freeing feeling in the world!

And I don't see anything wrong with telling guy #2 that there is another guy in the picture (a little bit). I think it's best to not let men believe we are so easy to get or easy to catch. I am not doing it on purpose, but I do know one thing: men like and prefer the hard to get women. Not the easy ones who immediately jump into bed.

So there it is.... I am enjoying my newly single life again, after coming out of a very dark place that I was stuck in for many years with my ex husband.

This thread is for talking about these experiences, as I move forward being single and free again.

Any supportive comments are welcomed.

Nothing wrong with letting one gentleman know that there is competition.

I think so too!!

I just want to offer that there could be different explanations behind the different communication patterns between you and said gentlemen. It could be that the one who communicates all the time with emojis and what not is doing that because he is that much more interested in a relationship with you. But he also could simply be a much more communicative person. In other words, the differences that you observe might be due to different individual communication styles and not to differing degrees of interest in you. There is not enough information now to say for sure and it can also be a combo of two factors.

Yes, for sure, it could be a combo of factors. One factor is likely that his nephew was recently murdered. He was close with his nephew. So, I am guessing that now is not the right time for him to date or get serious with someone. Another guess is that it's the way he is right now and he wants it casual. Funny thing is, he keeps inviting me to places with him... he first invited me to go camping for four days, then to a private party, then a baseball game, then another private party, and now his own social gathering for his nephew. I don't see him positing pics of any other female, but he posted a pic of us together at the baseball game.

Which brings up a bit of a snag in my current situation.

So, I went camping with guy #2 this weekend and we had a blast. We went with three of his best girlfriends. I posted pics on facebook of us: just one photo of he and I together, and then the rest were of all of us together. Guy #1 and guy #2 know who each other are and are also "friends" on facebook. So guy #1 saw my photos posted on facebook of this last weekend. You cannot tell from the photos that guy #2 and I were together at all - not really. It could easily be interpreted as friends.

But what happens when I go to guy #1's social gathering in a few weeks for his nephew? I don't want him taking any selfies of us and posting them, like he did at the baseball game.

I didn't realize this until I found out that they both know each other and are friends on facebook. Argh. So much for "playing the field".

What do I do in this case? Should I also tell guy #1 that I am also hanging out with guy #2? I told guy #2 about guy #1,. to be fair to him. So, now should I do the same with the other gentleman? Sorry if that's confusing between the two men.

Ideally tell both about the other. If that is not possible, we can discuss other options.

Yeah, I am not sure yet what to do or how to handle it! I totally didn't realize when this all started happening that they knew each other and were friends on Facebook.

I told guy #1 about guy #2! So now they each know about each other. I like guy #2 better.

Great! And it sounds like you are getting clearer on your druthers.

I think I am!

I told guy #1 that he doesn't communicate with me in between seeing each other, that I would want more than that, and that I don't know what he's looking for. He said he wants more too, but that we live far apart, which we do. We live like two hours away from each other, so seeing each other frequently is not an option. Plus, he is super busy in his life. He's out six nights a week photographing and videotaping live musicians. I cannot keep up with that kind of lifestyle. And when would we actually see each other? It's been infrequent and periodic.

Guy #2 messages me every day. We talk. We're getting to know each other. You have to get to know someone to date them. I feel like guy #2 and I are far closer to actually dating than me and guy #1.

Guy #1 is like more for hookups and sex.

Which brings me to the question now: do I back out of guy #1's benefit party for his nephew in two weeks, when we are supposed to sleep together in a hotel that night?

One thing I CANNOT do is have sexual relations (sex) with two people at the same time.

AND, I am spending the next two weekends with guy #2, on overnights together. We likely will end up having sex on one of those weekends, which is right before I am supposed to go to the hotel overnight with guy #1. Oh boy. Did this get messy fast!!!

At least I told them both about each other... I feel good about that.

You feel rather strongly about not being able to have srx with two almost concurrently: you used CAPS.

Lol. I wish there was a laugh reaction button on here. Yes I do feel rather strongly about it!! I don’t sleep with more than one at a time typically. I’m also protective of my body.

Well, I did it. Things ended with guy #1 and I am not staying in a hotel with him in a couple of weeks. I learned he's already paid for the hotel though... ugh! So, he has a room and spent $200 on it for us. I felt bad telling him last night that I couldn't go. At the end of the night, I asked him if I could kiss him goodbye, and he said no. This is after telling him that something happened last weekend with guy #2 while camping.

What is wrong with me?

I told him that if we lived closer, I would want to date him. I also told him that I feel we have some sort of unspoken, deeper connection, whenever I look at him in the eyes. We DO have a connection of sorts, I can feel it. It's intense. And our attraction to each other is unmistakable.

However, I feel lighter this morning and more free, so I know it was the right thing to do.

I told guy #2 that I was going to stop pursuing things with guy #1. HIs response was that he no longer has competition. Yesterday he told me he is crushing hard on me. I feel the same way, but there's still so much to get to know about each other.

What a messy situation, but I think I've handled it as best as I could. I was open and honest with both men and cut one loose as soon as things started heating up with one guy more than the other.

I think I also have some feelings developing or stirring for guy #2. There's chemistry between us. He told me he is very attached to me.... I feel I am becoming attached to him. I do like him.

That being said, I had wanted one more kiss with guy #1, just to say goodbye. That couldn't happen and I respect that. I still wanted it.

He came to visit me this wkend. We had fun. We went to a club in the city to see a favorite band. The only thing was that I ran into my ex’s best friend when we first arrived. He wished me well. It kind of was a buzz kill, as were other people inside complaining about us dancing in their space when we weren’t. They kept nagging my guy about it. Buzz kill!

And we had sex twice. It was just ok. There’s lots of room for improvements. I thought of guy #1 and wondered whether sex would have been better with him. Sigh. I’ve been sexually deprived for many years and am ready for amazing sex, but that’s not what this was. Ugh. I was disappointed.

Then he arrived home and tells me it’s the best night he’s had in years. I can’t say the same but I did enjoy myself overall. We get along. He says we think alike and have a lot in common. I have to process things longer. We do get along well and seem to be on the same page a lot. We shall see how this unfolds next… I’m going to visit him next wkend for another show.

And I don’t want to settle.. the sex needs to be better. I know it can take time to know what each other likes and wants. I think I need to express these things to him. Tell him what I like.

He also talks a lot about his ex’s. That’s kind of a turn off to me. I don’t talk a ton about my ex husband. He brings up an ex every other sentence.. I need to ask him to curb that.

Also. me and my new guy ran into my ex's best friend on Sat night at the show.

I felt awkward and it put a damper on the evening for me a bit. My ex's friend was friendly and nice towards me and wished me all the best, but it made me think of my abusive ex husband, which put a dark cloud over me for a little while. I let it go quickly enough and was able to still have a good time, but the ghost of my ex husband still haunts me from time to time.

However, I am not going to stop going places I want to go and doing things I want to do simply because I may run into my ex or one of his friends. I refuse to give up the activities I enjoy the most and feel it is my right to pursue all that makes me happiest in life.

And going to live music shows makes me happiest. I am in my element. I get to dance and feel so free and liberated. Music is my therapy, literally. I can feel all the stress leaving me and after a show, all I feel is fulfilled and happy. So I am not giving this up because I have to deal with periodic awkwardness around my ex husband.

But I know the day will come eventually when I will run into my ex with a new girlfriend. And that will be the most awkward moment for me that I am dreading.

My ex has expressed to me that he cannot date and that he is still very much in love with me. That's what he wrote in his last email to me at least, in early August. I have. not heard from him since, and I didn't reply.

It's now over a month later and things could have changed for him. His friend saw me at the show with another man. The friend doesn't know if this man is just a friend or a date. I didn't introduce my date and they did not converse with each other.

He did look my date up and down. And what's really weird? My date's hair very closely resembles my ex's hair! Both have dark brown/black hair with silver streaks and a beard. Except my date has a full beard and long hair he wears in a ponytail, and my ex has short hair with a goatee.

I don't miss my ex. There are moments when a fonder memory comes to mind and I think back more positively on that moment. But I don't miss all the negativity and drama and having to constantly cater to my ex and take care of him. I played mom in my marriage - NOT the role I want. I want equality in my next relationship. My ex made me cater to him constantly.. every need, every ailment and every desire... my needs did not matter to him and so it was always about HIM. That grew old FAST.

And all the abuse and drama that came with my ex? NO THANK YOU. I am SD done with all of that. I deserve to be respected, period. And, I am not going to stick around with a male the moment he shows me any amount of disrespect or disregard. I am on alert for red flags.

If anyone is reading this thread, I would love some support around these issues. I feel like I am grappling with this all alone and it's not easy....

It's not easy to move forward and let go of all the emotional pain I experienced in the past. But I am. I am hopeful and optimistic that I will find the right person again....

I may have to meet many frogs before I meet the right one for a committed long-term relationship. I am very well aware of this and want to take my time getting to know someone.

So, this is a bit strange.

Guy #2. whom I am now kinda dating (casually at this stage), gave me a super cute plastic duck a couple weeks. ago when I was at his home.

I brought the cute little duck home and placed it on a table where I have crystals on display in my living room.

Well, guy #2 and his friend stayed over last Sat night and left on Sunday.

Monday I noticed that the duck was gone! I have a cat and looked EVERYWHERE for the duck... there is NO sign of the duck!!! I asked guy #2 if he and his friend took the duck as a joke, and he said NO.

But where is the duck!?! I am paranoid and now am questioning whether one of them stole the duck back. It was in plain view in my living room, and I did leave them alone in the room a few different times.

My ex stole from me once or wasn't honest about using my credit card to charge a video game. And he stole from Home Depot once. So, now I am paranoid about meeting similar character types.....

UGH. I HATE thinking this way, but it's only natural since the duck disappeared right after he and his friend visited me.

Hm. That is strange but I would almost have to assume it's the cat until there is evidence otherwise.


Why would he give you the duck and then take it back though?

I hope you find it.

I must say I consider it a bit of red flag if he's a selfish lover, too.

Thanks @Samicat. Guess you’re right about the duck! It’s just so odd! He’s not a selfish lover I don’t think… but we shall see!! TBD!

I agree it's odd. I hope an explanation surfaces.

Thanks! I hope so too!!

I bought a new duck to replace the missing duck cow.

It's still MIA. All I can think is someone took it, unless I took it camping and lost it there. That's possible, but I don't remember packing it to take it with me, and I don't recall taking it out of my bag while camping. It is SO odd.

I now wonder when it's appropriate to tell my new guy about being on medication?

He has dated a couple of crazy women recently, and has the concern that I could also be nuts. I've told him I am very sane and grounded in reality.

He doesn't yet know that I am on a low dose of anti psychotic med for hearing voices and an anti depressant. I am not in therapy anymore because I feel I don't need it and I have yet to find a really good therapist to date. I am also considering going off all medication, but I need a psych doc to help me come off the medications, which I do not have at the moment.

I have been very stable for the last two years, without incident.

So, when is it appropriate to tell him I am on meds? I don't want to scare him away, I want him to get to know me better so that he feels confident that I am NOT nuts.

But at some point, I will need to tell him about my meds, AND the fact that I've been hospitalized 3 times in the past. I don't feel I will ever need to be hospitalized again, but one can never say never.

Is it fitting to tell him once we are more committed as boyfriend and girlfriend? We're not quite at that level yet, we're dating, and we're coming closer to that point the more we hang out. I just don't know.

It seems reasonable to me to wait. You don't owe him that information, and the fact he has dated "crazy" women doesn't change that.

I agree with Samicat, he has no need to know. I mean it's up to you of course, but i've told some partners i've had and it always gets turned on me that i'm crazy because of taking an antidepressant. No i'm not. So IF, and i doubt I'll date again, that part stays private. It's the past, and I see my meds as the same as someone needing insulin for diabetes. Not like you have hiv, or hepatitis or something, that would need to be told.