What to do when they come back?

RD - to quote Cher - Get a hold of yourself!

Nobody just shows up expecting visitation.

Except like old Italians. But not Americans!

@unaluna

I am so chill.

I *literally* thought to myself, “There’s crazy on the other side of the door. I’m not letting crazy in and I’m not stepping into crazy.”

It’s just that OF COURSE the cops were called

And OF COURSE she had a witness

And OF COURSE it happened the weekend before the family court notice of hearing.

The staging of it all is just… (chef’s kiss)

GOOD for you for holding STRONG boundaries. The beginning of this thread is about her FIRST surprise visit. This is the SECOND, and you held your ground and you had a plan. All I can say is GREAT job.

A therapist told me "She doesn't respect your boundaries. The simplest boundary is your door. The second is your phone. It doesn't matter if it was a neighbor or a friend, if you aren't available, you don't have to answer either."

Another told me "You will reach a point where you can see the disorder without stepping into it. The first step is maintaining distance and a barrier to prevent that from happening."

I remembered both those things in that instance.

I’m just going to say

There’s been so much peace here the last two weeks.

We had a short court appearance on Friday.

And I'm going to tell you..... That was a different person than the last two times.

She had been becoming more and more disordered and scattered, and almost childish in her interactions. I swear, her mind was shot.

Friday.... Nope. That was the highly educated, highly accomplished woman I used to see. Everything was staged too. Supported into the courtroom by a junior lawyer, overwhelmed with emotion, asking the bailiffs for tissues....

And the INSTANT it was adjourned, turned, smiled, and made a verbal jab at my lawyer that only my lawyer caught.

We stepped into the side room and my lawyer was like...... "Oh my God.... What a B!....... That was unreal. The tears stopped, smiled, and jab. She's.... She's devious.

Yes, yes she is. And she's smart again.

I'm battling despair today. I'm facing a life sentence of paying my abuser.

Well paying is still better than living with abusers. In addition you have a minor child should offset alimony. Logically.

My husband (and eventually me after we married) paid close to 1k to his abuser, but kids were grown. I believe if he still raised at least one, it would offset that. No way you have to pay alimony while raising a child by yourself. Is she paying child support?

@RDMercer please know that lawyers and judges are used to seeing this kind of drama. Just because your wife put on a show doesn’t mean she will win.

My lawyer was appalled at my older sister’s behavior. Just keep focusing on positives and that you will be rid of her.

The judge yesterday had her mind made up when she arrived.

Peeled out my lawyer for delays, stating “this woman has been waiting 2.5 years for spousal support”

I incurred fees for delaying court, but no way was I going to go before someone who already had her mind made up.

What does that mean? Will you be going back in front of a different judge? Doesnt the ex have more education than you - why should you support her? Wasnt she always working? This is unreal.

It sounds like the judge was projecting her own feelings rather than paying attention to the facts. This is what a fake dramatic narcissistic individual plays to to get what they want. This is why your wife showed up unannounced at you home and called the police. This was a set up so she could play the victim and sobb in court wanting the judge to think you are the bad guy.

Your wife is not only a substance abuse user but is a very selfish self serving person. People like your wife live in their own make up world where they believe their own lies so they basically self brain was. This mentality develops in early childhood and once this develops it becomes who the person is and there is nothing you can do to change this.

You have actually made a lot of progress from when you first started posting and so determined you could somehow fix this, “only if”. You are now seeing the reality and have slowly been taking a stand for yourself. You had to slowly break away from your long time role of being a codependent.

I don’t know if it will be the same or a different judge.

Yes, she has more education and was highly accomplished but isn’t making anywhere near her potential.

She’s also hiding her income. She hasn’t filed income taxes in two years. All she produced was two pay stubs to show a very modest income. But her current job is sales commission based and the pay stubs only show her base hourly pay, not her sales commissions. So she’s not disclosed her actual income to the court.

She submitted her financials at 1:25, with court starting at 1:30. My lawyer requested 10 minutes to review the documents and got peeled out because this woman was already waiting 2.5 years for support.

My lawyer reads 5 minute recess to discuss with me.

That’s when I said “that judge had her mind made up when she came in. What will this cost in penalties to delay?” “$2000 to $5000”

“Then we delay. $5000 is better than a life sentence “

I don’t understand. Is she paying child support? She is living single life with no kids or mortgage and you owe her money while raising a minor child and paying mortgage? Where is the logic?

She is living the single life, and I am paying the mortgage, covering bills that she ran up (totalling $7000), and covering two automated payments, and have kept her on my health insurance until we are divorced. She has also not contributed to the health insurance coverage for the kids.

She has contributed nothing, and paid nothing in child support.

I have taken on a 2nd job, and begun a self-employed consulting practice. The court views that as my proven ability to work 55 hours a week and capable of providing for her.

THANKFULLY my family doctor recently put me on blood pressure meds and sent me for a pysch consultation, so we had grounds to say, "Yes, he did this out of necessity, but it is breaking him."

I'm thankful for you all, and for this board.

Thanks for believing me and supporting me.

Looking forward to better days.

@RDMercer just checking in with you to see how things are going.

I'm doing good.

I went through a few weeks of pretty low depression.

Being in court terrifies me, but being there again made it less overwhelming. I'm becoming more comfortable with it. I'm working on positivity, putting her out of my mind more, and not letting her have access to my energy.

Court is delayed again, as she has lost her 2nd lawyer and is looking for a 3rd law firm.

She also had to pay the court fees and my legal fees for this last gong show in court.

I've been barraged with emails from her since to the point that I blocked them. There is zero accountability. The kids aren't speaking to her. To her, that is my fault. She wants to contact the kids and sends me messages. I relay the messages and tell her the kids aren't interested in contact. That is me alienating the kids and being in the middle of the relationship.... so I say, "Ok, you can reach out to them directly," but they aren't speaking to her, and by court order I am supposed to facilitate contact.... So there we are in the loop. Another problem with no solution.

Every interaction is the same... I'm supposed to be maintaining the property. OK, then let's prioritize what I should be doing for maintenance and repair. She won't do that, but WILL point out anything that isn't done, or find fault with what I have done. Just exhausting.

Oh, and it's my fault there is no settlement to date. Never mind that my lawyer requested case conferences with her lawyer multiple times and she refused stating, "I'm taking everything." But now we are 2.5 years in, she's gotten nothing to date, and it's my fault we haven't have a case conference.

Something that surprised me.... When we were in court, and it appeared the judge had pre-decided that she needed support payments, I thought to myself, "If I'm paying her support for the rest of my life I'll never find a partner again." And THAT surprised me, because up until that instant I had not even thought about having a partner again someday.

My brother snapped me to attention too. He said, "You're thinking about providing for your kids right now. Don't you forget, they have a lifetime in front of them. You need to fight so that you never have to be worried about becoming a financial burden to them in the future."

For now, again, things are good and things are stable.

It’s not necessarily true that you can’t find a partner if you are paying alimony. Ton of people date and have relationships with men and women who are paying child or spousal support, it’s not unusual. I think because you were married to a lazy money grabber, you might feel all women are after money. Not the case. There’s more to life than money

Also the only time people might pay spousal support for life is if their ex spouse is severely disabled. Typically there’s time limit.

Also they would have to take in consideration that she hasn’t paid child support and you are a sole provider for a child

You only have to facilitate contacts with minor children. No court will demand you do that for adults. Is only one kid still a minor?

Just document every phone call and email and every interaction. At some point if children refuse contact, no one can force it. Just keep good documentation

I know everything you are saying is accurate.

This is what her thinking is, though, and the conditioning I've been subjected to for years.

She's telling me off in a lot of emails for delaying this.... Which makes me think she is getting worried about money.

She hasn't submitted a completed financial statement to the court yet because she hasn't filed her taxes in two years. I expect that is because she claimed the minor was living with her and claimed the minor as a deduction. It took me two years of arguing with the revenue service to prove the minor was with me. So.... If she files her taxes now, she's on the hook.

She also is working in a sale environment and has refused to provide information about her commissions, and instead is only trying to claim her base hourly wage as income.

Don’t let her bully you. She wants you broken down so she can manipulate you. Tell her to communicate through lawyers. She should only communicate directly about one child. No other communication..

She is looking for yet another lawyer? It sounds like the lawyers she obtains see she is a jerk and drop her You can’t make the children visit with her when they don’t want to see her.

Court is hard because the nature of it can leave a person to feel powerless. That being said you are getting to witness just how entitled and toxic your wife can be. She had you brainwashed and now you are finally seeing that and have taken back your power. That is progress.

I think she is utterly dumbfounded that I’ve said “no” to her.

Toxic people do not respect boundaries and they don’t like to be told no. Your wife thought you would give in and give her everything she demands.
What I am seeing you improve in is slowly learning how to stand your ground and say no. She had you so conditioned you believed it was wrong to say no and have boundaries.