What to do when they come back?

You are completely right...

But I've gotten a little smarter as all this stuff has progressed.

Like the night she went out with her friends, in a rage, saying she was divorcing me... And I went and took photos of all her designer purses, handbags, and jewelry, and saved one of her receipts with her account number from the jewelry store.

These were all purchases I had no say in, and those are all assets she didn't claim in court.

These provoking emails I send her are twofold... It is me venting, and also looking for a reply. You see, she has claimed in the past that she hasn't gotten emails from me and my lawyer. Well... Somehow she replies to the ones that tick her off .

What’s her telling the kids unacceptable things had to do with your upbringing ha She’s not even denying that she was literally threatening her kids! Your upbringing isn’t in question here! Her terrible parenting is!

Also she does know the truth. She just thinks she can get away with everything because she is creating a false narrative. But everyone is on to her. Including her kids

When you took those pictures of what she had you knew she was going to lie. A part of you knew she was deceptive and manipulative. It’s important to look at the kind of person she really is and realize that nothing you can do will change that. This never meant you are not good enough. The anger you are feeling is the part of you that cares about you and wants to protect you.

I just wanted to say thanks to my chorus.

My family doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, whom I saw in February and again today

She confirmed I have CPTSD. During my two hour initial session she talked me through things that have happened in the past two years that I didn’t even see as being related to this stuff.

Today she laid out the timeline of the progression and the healing to date… I’m very typical. She referred me for counselling specifically for CPTSD.

She talked to me about the chronic sleep disruption and effects on health and mental health too.

It was humbling to be told, again, by Another professional, that I was abused.

I had coffee with a good friend on Saturday morning. I told him about reaching the point of immersing myself in the peace and quiet at home, so much so that it would hit me emotionally. Then growing past that to peace and positivity is normal.

My stbx wife is extremely academically accomplished and has held some big jobs in the past. I’ve seen her as extremely smart.

I just don’t get how someone that smart can’t see and trust the evidence before them and go, “Oh sh… It’s me. I’m the problem.”

Anyway… It was a good day. I took my DD out to a nice restaurant and we went looking at motorcycles. .

RDMercer

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I just don’t get how someone that smart can’t see and trust the evidence before them and go, “Oh sh… It’s me. I’m the problem.”

I wondered exactly the same. My ex bragged about how high his IQ was in college (Bragging was a red flag) & yet he he barely passed to graduate (red flag -attitude issue). I saw attitude issues for 33 years in the marriage but I always fought rather than giving in. When I finally left, I KNEW it was over cause I never thought about him escept to try to sort out what in the world waa really wrong with him that I was so repulsed by him when I finally did leave. It waan't until 11 years later when I was back in Calif taking him to court that he said he was sure I would come back to him aftee 2 years of being away but only after I never came back "he finally wondered if he wasn't maybe the reason I left". Like duh.....I told him he waa the reason I was leaving. He fought the divorce I tried to get before I left & I had the means after my mom died to just walk out & start life over far away without the divorce with money he had no claim on.

I could never comprehend how someone with such a high IQ could be so totally clueless about life. Had a couple of therapists after I left who helped me understand from what I described that his brain did not function like normal people. In my case, I knew he wasn't on drugs or using alcohol but that his diagnosed adult ADD & possible high functioning ASD could definitely be the cause for not taking responsibility for his own behavior.

I just knew I had so much real peace & happiness when I was no longer around him aftet 33 years of fighting & telling him I didn't marry him to be his momma. Seeing how incapable he actually is of taking care of himself now, both my daughter & I are sure there is now some level of dementia going on at his age too.

It is so difficult to comprehend the level of cluelessness some people have with self-awareness when we are so aware that it seems "obvious to the most casual observer". Some things we never will understand about them & we are just thankful to be "outta there"

I have felt so positive and hopeful lately.

Then I got a flurry of emails from STBX wife.

For the last three days I'm wrecked with indecision, questioning how I have handled things to date, and scared of the future.

I've been trying to rationalize away these reactions but they are still with me.

I'm just dumbfounded at her ability to instill anxiety in me.

Just voicing this here to see if it helps it go away. Like I said, I am a few days into this now and it's remaining.

RDMercer

I've been reading a bit lately about the survival mind, and how it's actually a different functional system then your normal, rational brain. Apparently, that's why you can't rationalize away anxiety. It's like we know rationally that there's no real threat, we've done all we can, or something is beyond our control, but that part of our brain is on the other side of the room, still looking for the "ins" independently.

You're not to blame, at least not more than 50% according to Codependent No More. What's done is done, and you've made the best decisions you could based on what was available to you at the time.

I've learned that when I feel anxious and even stuck, sometimes it helps to adopt the 12 step mindset, and focus only on today. Do you have everything you need for today? If there's anything you should be doing about a situation today, do it. Otherwise, try to focus on your day-to-day tasks to the best of your ability. Doing that is a form of mindfulness- focusing on the here and now, this time and place. It can help you get back into your body and surroundings, and out of survival/anxiety mode.

I think at least for me, there is usually a little bit of anger when I get an email from my ex & the anger translates into anxiety too. This is after 18 years of being away from him & 7 years divorced.

Last summer he told my daughter I got a jury duty summons in Calif where I had not lived for 17 years. He told her he would send the notice so I could respond & never did. II couldn't respond without the # on the notice so I just blew it off. I guess my daughter got on his case cause he emailed me the information. Refused to respond so I used one of the canned replies. Not too long ago he emailed me about getting a realtor call about whether I was wanting to sell my home or wanted him to give me the information about who called. My one word reply: NO.

Bottom line....I hate having any communication with him & never gave him my new phone # cause he abused the one I had when I moved here. Just having anything to do with him is stressful & brings back up all the reasons I couldn't stand him & left in the first place.

I look back with lots of "If I had done this (or that) I wouldn't be having the legal issues because of him now". But I also know that when I didn't take those actions, I was still in the healing process from the 33 years with him & really had no idea what my next action really should have been & what I did was based on what I thought would benefit us both more in the long run. But like with everything....he screwed that up for both of us too.

The bottom line is we never truly know how to best handle things because we don't know the future, so we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time & some times crap slips through the crack we end up having to deal with later. But we actually did the best we could.

Just remember there will always be anxiety when that STBX or ex pops up in our lives. It is a normal reaction. We use the time between to recover our own normal

And outside of those emails, what’s gone on in the past two weeks??

Yes, I have an elderly family member in hospital and I’ve spent a lot of time there.

But my new job is good. The kids are doing great. There are SO MANY healthy, positive things happening. Just stuff like having another games night at the house, meeting friends for lunch, meeting new friends through my son, and other new friends through my daughter, having a bowling night with a bunch of teens and parents….

It’s just all so good.

When the rest of life is going good it makes the bad a little easier to tolerate

I'm just here to say that for the last few weeks, my X has been on my mind every day. I don't know why.

I had nightmares again this week, of her coming in and creating havoc around here. I woke from one early this morning, read for a while and fell back asleep and woke from a second one a few hours later.

There are almost two sets of thinking going on inside of me right now; the emotional thinking and the rational side.

The rational side is trying to figure out why this is happening and where it is all coming from. The emotional side is both hurt and wanting to run, and longing for the peace the good times we had together.

At no time is she out of my mind.

Every time I've gone out in the past week I've been scared of bumping into her. I'm back to closing the blinds and the curtains at home because I'm scared I'll look outside and see her.

I want to write to her and plead with her and try to get through to her and all that stuff. This is wild. It's a setback from where I was.

RDMercer

You won't believe this....

I just went onto Reddit.

The 3rd post I saw was a quote that said:
"Imagine being bitten by a snake, and instead of looking after the poison and healing, you pursue the snake to understand why it bit you and to tell it you didn't deserve to be bitten."



RDMercer

Holy Moley!

Y'all won't believe what just happened.

Me and DD were working on a car. She went in to shower while i finished.

I came in, scrubbed up and started making burritos.

(knock knock knock)

My X was at the door! In a car I didn't recognize, with a driver I couldn't see.

"Sorry. I can't accomodate a zero notice visit."

She said she'd emailed me. I checked.

"Yup. You did. Two hours ago. I've asked for at least 24 hours notice and told you I would accommodate such, but this isn't a good time."

So she knocked for about 3-minutes solid.

I called a lawyer I know (mine wasn't available), and asked for some guidance. He said call non emergency police.

DD came out of the shower.

I told her what was going on, and she said, "I am so DONE! Can you call the cops?"

"Well, not without making sure it aligned with what you wanted."

I call cops. While on the phone, cop car pulls in, BECAUSE SHE HAD CALLED THE COPS ON ME.

I call the non emergency line back and say, "Hey, if this is a welfare check or anything, I'm happy to accommodate, but not until she's out of the driveway. I don't want any drama."

X wife has a crying dramatic scene in the driveway. Cop tells her to go away.

Cop comes in. We talk. I tell cop, "You can ask DD without me around what her wishes are."

Cop asks DD a couple of questions. Told DD to come to the station and make a statement so this is on file for the future. Cop says, "Pretty obvious you guys are just making it work. No issues."

RDMercer

Nightmare.....or premanition or both?

Glad the police were good & understanding. Did you ever find out what your ex wanted?

Cop said she had Easter candy she wanted to drop off.

She was a passenger in the car, and it wasn't a car I recognized.

This may be her thing... When she showed up in August she was the passenger in a car with a guy. Maybe this is part of her playing the victim to whoever her new person is??

RDMercer

Easter candy? Wait what? Wasn’t Easter in April?

I bet she starts dating guys and they ask why isn’t she seeing her children. She likely tells them that her ex is prohibiting her from seeing them and bad mouthed her.

She then makes a guy to drive her to your house to make a point. At the end she tells the guy, see I just want to see my children and give them candy but he wouldn’t open the door and then calls police on me. I am a loving mother but he’s a monster. Poor me.

Um

Yep

That’s what it looks like.

DD even said

“Waaaaait a minute. How long was she here? And when did the cops show up??? Could she have called them BEFORE she got here??”

Because I was just placing the non emergency call when they pulled in.

I also said to the cops, she’s come here with a guy before. I’m NOT ending up in some kind of drama at my door or in my driveway with her and some guy, so no, I’m not opening the door when she’s here like this.

Lol....stale Easter candy? She could have just left it at the front door long before now & left if all she wanted to do was deliver candy.

Yes, the police had to have been already called by her cause they NEVER show up that quickly especially on a non-emergency call.

Keep backfiring her schemes, you are handling these stressful situations well

This stuff is so disruptive.

DD is home from school today because she's scared her mom will pull a surprise visit at school.

I'm also home today because she's scared "what if she goes to school, I'm not there, then she comes here."

We are doing biology classes all day today....

I don't know what my X thinks.... There was NOTHING positive gained from anything she did yesterday.

Your daughter needs to ask that her mother be ordered to give her notice and not just show up and demand. Please tell your daughter to file a report so this sudden visit and demand immediate attention is unacceptable.

Your wife is engaging in predatory behavior and it clearly is triggering pts symptoms where neither you or your daughter feel safe. Your wife was probably under the influence and because she had another person she decided to pull her toxic selfish crap.

These type of experiences should confirm to you that having her out of your life is best for your mental health. Reporting this so it’s on record is a must.

When you have these weird nightmares it’s good to talk about it as you have. You have gained a lot of ground and there will be these times where you experience these emotional confused states and talking about it will help you gradually overcome these episodes.

The fact that your wife once again showed up on short notice only confirmed that she is still going to behave in selfish toxic ways. Your daughter is going to have to accept that her mother is a toxic selfish person and the best thing to do is take steps to stop it and distance.

Snakes are reptiles that have no heart or conscience.

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DD is home from school today because she's scared her mom will pull a surprise visit at school. I'm also home today because she's scared "what if she goes to school, I'm not there, then she comes here."

Isn't this memorial day? Most work & school aren't open today. Just wondering

Maybe I'd forgotten about the holiday when I posted that.... It was the start of the day here

The time posted on the message doesn't reflect the time it actually was here.

But guess what happened today.

I got a summons for court.

I guess I know now why she had her staged event on Sunday.

RDMercer

Talk to your lawyer. Did your daughter file a report with the police?

Don’t let your X bully you, commit to remaining calm.

To clarify

This is not her pressing charges.

This is family court/divorce court I got a summons for.

I am speculating she arrived here with a witness to put on a show of how I was blocking contact with our minor daughter.