What do you think?

Dear friends,

Earlier today my wife was out buying some supplies for her business, I got off work and drove the 50 minute drive to wait for our kid to get off school.
When I finally picked the kiddo up and arrived at home, my wife called me and asked if I could drive 20 minutes back out to pick up her prescription, I replied let me see if you have some medicine here, if not I’ll go and pick it up today. And if you do have some here I’ll pick it up tomorrow.

Wife’s response was ehh ok. We finished the call and I went and found that she had some of the medication at home. Probably 4 days worth, so I called her back to let her know. She didn’t answer and texted me back never mind.

I told her that I would pick it up tomorrow after work. She didn’t reply. An hour later she arrives at home, is storming around and I say hi, she says hello and continues aggressively and impatiently
Doing things.
And completely ignoring me.

My wife likes to use guilt or the silent treatment a lot. And I think that is what she is doing.

Was I being unreasonable saying I’d pick it up tomorrow, not wanting to go back out if she has enough medication at home?
Thanks for your responses.

You did nothing unreasonable.

I wonder what your wife is actually mad about

It’s a controlled substance, she pretty much gives me the silent treatment when I don’t do what she asks.
She has currently locked herself in our bedroom and my kid and I can’t get in to get ready, showers and what not.
I think I’m very close to throwing in the towel on the marriage to be honest.

It’s a pattern of emotional abuse and control that in the past I would have buckled too. She wants me to make it right and to be the guilty party, it’s pathetic.

I recall similar tactics in my marriage, one that no longer is.
I realized too late that it was connected to her feelings of not feeling secure and/or loved. People expect to be loved in the ways that they understand love, and I never did understand her way of loving. And to be honest, I didn’t really want to.
Separating was the right thing to do, though at the time I thought I was doing it for different reasons.

Enough about me. Have you and your wife had talks about what could be at the root of these behaviours? Is yours a relationship where there is honest and open communication, or at least something in the spirit of such?

I’m sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out, but as you say it was for the best.
We do have somewhat open communication in our relationship, unfortunately she always seems to be the victim in every interaction.
If we didn’t have our daughter we most certainly would have separated a long time ago. I’m starting to think that it would be better in the long term.
She has locked me and my daughter out of the bedroom at this point I’ll be sleeping in the spare room, which I’m fine with.
I don’t think I could see myself ever being happy when such trivial things are blown out of proportion.

Unfortunately she doesn’t treat our daughter much better, she will criticize her if she gets B”s and not A”s at school, telling her that when I was your age I had A”s.

I do the opposite, and will praise my daughter for her grades and her effort.
I want to thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.

Just in my personal opinion, from the outside looking in just from the information provided, I don't think you did anything 'wrong' at all... What's so wrong or bad about picking them up tomorrow, especially if there's more than 1 days supply left even?

And as for the silent treatment/guilt trip stuff, I feel for you unfortunately... My partner tends to more-or-less give me the silent treatment, or otherwise in the same sense basically just refrain from simply being honest and open about what she's feeling/upset about, and also likes to play guilt trips fairly often. I gotta say honestly the silent treatment/not being honest and open gets me the most and can't stand it.

Very sorry to hear you're having these problems you are and wish you the absolute best my friend.

Your wife is acting like a petulant child having a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. Your wife is using abuse tactics to get her way - the silent treatment is an abuse tactic.

I would not put up with or tolerate this kind of treatment and behavior. Your response to get the medication the next day was perfectly reasonable. Clearly your wife does not know the meaning of compromise and give and take - she is a taker and you are the giver in this relationship.

If you're considering separating and throwing in the towel on the marriage, I don't blame you. That kind of behavior doesn't change. Your wife is who she is right now.

GIven her stance on you helping with the business, your exhaustion from it all, and her stance that you must help, well, this is a one-way relationship, not a two-way relationship based on fairness, equality, and respect.

I would honestly separate if I were you.

@HaveHope, your post here doesn’t speak to your namesake at all 😅
We all have our triggers and many are based in our insecurities, which sadly we tend not want to disclose and discuss.
Toyotaman, sounds like your wife has some bad narratives in her head that affect her behaviour, if you take the role of a scientific observer instead of an emotional participant you may find some clues as to why this is happening.

It’s true, sometimes the best thing for everyone is to seperate, but how that happens will influence the next many years of everyone’s life, especially a kids life. If the separation is confusing and messy then so will be the mental states of all involved.
It’s not advice, it’s more like a wish for repentance, but if I could redo my separation I would have exhausted every attempt to get to the fundamental reasons why the relationship has failed.
I did the ol’ cut and run and my family, and especially my daughters, have suffered for the last 6 years for it. Of course, I must add that my experience isn’t and won’t be the same for everyone, it’s just a story from a father with regrets.

@ReptileInYourHead - I’m commenting on what I am reading, that is all. I am not going to gloss over what in my opinion are large fundamental issues that are problematic for the OP and within a relationship. I’m also being realistic vs idealistic. Age has taught me that.

I agree with much of what's been said already.

No one would fault you if you chose to extract yourself from the situation. But of course we all know that most situations are more complex than what you can put across in a posting, so undoubtedly there's a lot to take into consideration.

No matter what happens, stay together or leave, you will still have interactions with her, and you need to have some strong boundaries with someone like your wife. It is a bit like dealing with a child rather than an adult partner. Unfortunately, a lot of us have been there.

The type of boundaries you probably need are the kind where you step back from her emotional turmoil and do what you need to do for your daughter and yourself. My approach in your situation would be to not address her tantrum unless she brings it up - she gets a lot of feedback by engaging you in that way. Even if it seems really negative to you, she's getting something out of it.

Secondly, I'd attend to what you and your daughter need. For example, you can't stop her from having an episode, but that doesn't mean that you and your daughter have to go without what you need or suffer her wrath. Personally, I'd wait for this storm to blow over, then in calmer weather change the hardware on the door so that you cannot be locked out. When she seems calm, you can tell her directly and calmly (don't get emotional or placating, that only serves her) that you aren't responsible for her emotional episodes, but you are responsible for making sure that you and your daughter have access to what you need- hence, increased accessibility to that portion of the house.

Boundaries like this aren't meant to intimidate, shame, or otherwise hurt her, but rather their intention should be to not allow her issues and behavior to control the household (and essentially hold it hostage), and to remember that everybody's needs deserve to be met.

JMHO....

Thank you for your response, I’m sorry that you are dealing with the same type of behavior, unfortunately throughout my relationship I have always been the one to make up. Or apologise even when I’m not in the wrong, I regret that behaviour.

I’m learning that it’s important to set boundaries and to not respond with anger or aggression because that validates them.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.
Today I received a barrage of text messages about how she is always the villain, saying that she is going to move out. A lot of woe is me type messages, telling me that basically how I feel about her behavior is invalid.

There just doesn’t seem to be any accountability whatsoever. And I don’t think that it is possible to change her perception of reality. A reality where she might actually be at fault.
It is almost like an adult tantrum, the only difference is now after all the years married I won’t pander to it.

I have to agree with your assessment. Sadly, many people like this can't/never change. It's just too deeply ingrained in the system. Boundaries help keep them in their lane, while giving you power within your own space and life, and that can lead to some better and more cooperative behaviors from them--- but too often, it doesn't change anything significantly on a deeper level.

You wrote that the med is a "controlled substance." There may be side effects or withdrawal at play here. Also, just the fear of running out or being unable to get the prescription filled can cause one's temper to flare. What if it snows? What if the cars break down? What if everyone gets sick and can't go out in four days?

I certainly don't condone the behavior. But I can say that these types of meds have spiked my wife's worse behaviors, not to mention the pain the meds are meant to treat.

My opinion about your wife and your marriage didn’t change since your previous posts. It’s very unhealthy for your child to be witnessing this dynamic.

Now in addition to all other nonsense your wife subjects this family to she’s teaching her child that silent treatment and locked doors is the proper way to conduct relationships.

When childless people engage in abusive or otherwise unhealthy dynamics it’s their right to live this way. But if one has children, they need to be mindful of what they teach their kids. Your kid is creating a foundation for her own unhealthy relations patterns when she grows up. How sad.

If you do decide to leave, please collect enough data so you have the custody.

Toyotaman, How is your daughter’s relationship with her mother? And how old is your daughter if you don’t mind me asking.
Also, if this isn’t too prying, is the medication you spoke of for mental health or any such diagnosis to that effect?

No, you did nothing wrong. Sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship and you take the bait that she brings to you, often making you feel guilty for nothing. She sounds very narcissistic. I'd be careful.