Favorite Person

Not sure if I've ever talked about this here. Simplest way i can describe it is it's like a crush, but it doesn't have to be romantic. I have had several FPs in my life, and am apparently still susceptible to the "ailment". I say ailment, because it can be torture waiting for those good moments, like in my case, waiting to see or hear from that person. I get all sorts of nervous thinking they don't actually like me, thinking i must have messed up, even if or when it has nothi g to do with me, and but i still really like invest or want or almost need them to like me.

It's happening again. And I'm nervous waiting to hear from them (her). Does this make sense? I need help in not letting this nagging feeling of importance... just help me cope and forget. Either she's taking time to make a reply, forgot, or hates me. I would have maybe moved on already had she never messaged at all, but she did once, so now i half expe t it. I mean cuz i asked a question. SHE had asked a question, and i replied but i was so excited, it was a slightly lengthy reply, about the length of this message. So, i ****ed up didnt I? I don't know. Just hate caring so much now 😭

It does make sense. Relationships are complex things, aren’t they? We’re all different too, and have different perspectives and understandings.

I’m not sure whether I’ve experienced the same thing, @giddykitty, but a few years back, when I was really struggling with my own socialising, I found I felt as though I was the one putting all of the effort in. This was especially true of people I would have classed as good/best friends in real life. However, I came to realise that these relationships were pretty much one-way. I felt a deep sense of frustration and hurt at this.

I sat down and looked at who I interacted with, and, more importantly, why I interacted with them. One of them was someone I would have classed as my best friend. When I looked at my relationships (platonic) objectively, I realised they were not beneficial to me. I actually stopped my interactions for a while, just to see who would actually come back and respond. With one or two people I explained that I was taking a break from communicating for a while because of my poor mental health. As a result of that, there were a lot of people I “lost”. However, one or two did actually step up, after about a month of non-contact, and I felt we moved to a much better two-way relationship.

I felt much better when I realised how unhealthy it was chasing unreciprocated friendships. After a couple of months I started to feel much better in terms of who I was interacting with and why. My own self-esteem improved too. I sort of took the slightly arrogant stance of, “if you don’t want me in your life, then that’s your loss, not mine”. I lost the sense of rejection that I was feeling from dealing with people who didn’t respond in kind.

I still do my best to take this approach now, each time I interact or meet someone new (in real life and online). But I think I’m getting better at putting things into perspective. I understand that not everyone is going to like me. A friendship may form, it may not. I don’t take it personally any more. We all go through different phases of our life - sometimes we synch, sometimes we don’t. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Some people come along like seasons (another forum member said this in one of their posts), they come into your life, however brief, and may stay or go. It’s ok.

I hope you’re able to put some perspective on this, and realise that, as I suspect you know deep down, the lack of response from your contact may have many explanations, all of which may not be your fault. However, if for some reason they’ve chosen not to continue contact by choice, it doesn’t reduce your worth and value. It’s their loss. I hope you can move on, and remember new people will come along.

Jeff.

Hey, found you from my other thread! Have you ever been told you have BPD or traits? Having a "favorite person" is definitely one of the common themes, but doesn't necessarily equate. I've had them in the past, and it's really stressful. I learned it's not even that there's a genuine connection, but the FP is more of someone BPD gets projected upon by the person with it.


For myself, I was done. I was in and on/off romantic relationship with someone for years, and the obsession was ruining my mental health. In that thread others had mentioned BPD and narcissists tend to gravitate, and that was definitely the case. I've since deleted his number and changed mine, deleted all social media, and pretty much have been a loner for a while. I hate it, I like people, but I also don't find myself having SI just because someone didn't see a message I sent or had a short reply. (I do still talk to neighbors and such, but I don't really have close friends.)

If you want to engage with this person, go for it, but keep doing some reality checks. "Is this relationship healthy for both of us?" "Am I putting too much on them?" "How are they feeling?" You can even explain this in whatever way you think best and ask them to help you with this.

I don't have my workbook on me, but there's a list of negative relationship habits (a few I can think of are yelling, pointing fingers, swearing) and positive relationship habits (like when things get heated taking a break so you can engage in a calm and collected manner, talking in specifics, being solution-focused). If you want, I could probably take a picture or retype the list and send it to you.

@NovaBlaze Honestly, the stuff you have mentioned I have been practicing ever since i had a really bad break with an FP. For the most part, with most relationships, I am ok. The difference here and/or with a lot of FPs in my experience is that they hold some sort of authority or are around in my everyday world that should something like bad happen, it would be an even more detrimental loss since I have to see them every day. And also, like I get something from them that i don't get from others really. But the main fact is that i somehow like subconsciously build it all up as that i NEED the relationship to work.

I will say though, that through all of my "mistakes" in the past, I didn't let my anxiety make me do anything this time, and guess what? I did get another reply. My patience was rewarded. And i wrote back and even got another reply. That said, the reply was a little like, "ok ive answered you. Happy to help", but then that seems to be the end of things, for now. That's okay though. We see each other in a group setting almost every month, and should something that might relate to us both come up, i can try talking again.

The thing is, I've known this lady most of my life, but never really talked. Age differences, and I was shy. I think she might be a little bit shy too actually, but i can remember a few instances when she was chatty with a couple of others and I always just thought she was so cool, even though I only really knew her from a handful of meetings. I knew better one of her relatives actually. Yeah, but then we kinda went our separate ways, or maybe i was even kind of left. Now it's hard to remember who all ghosted me back then and who i just never contacted again. But so like, i feel there is kind of an elephant int the room... but on the other hand, i feel a mutual respect with her and want to know HER now and not bother talking about the past, unless of course, the topic presents itself. But yeah, i mean, ultimately i do have to remind myself of all of those thi gs you mentioned, but at the same time, even if my mind knows one thing, my body and heart do not and i still get stressed or disappointed.

@MuddyBoots Only people i have talked to online have thought it possible i have bpd, but when tested for that, i didn't have that. Actually they gave me the dependent one, but it's hard to know whether it's actually a disorder or because i am mostly codependent with a lot of things.

But yeah, of course I'd be interested in that worksheet, if it isn't trouble for you to share it. I actually did take a few classes of dbt, or rather individual sessions, but because of personal life choices, many like what are they called? lessons, for lack of a better word, i couldn't actually complete, and apparently you have to complete LEVELS (that's a better word), before moving on to the next. Also, it was getting expensive, and i was finding a few dbt things for free online anyway. So yeah. But like i just sometimes need to talk through things and have a support team (like you folks on here). I can't see a therapist right now for many reasons, so sometimes it's a little hard and lonely going through these big emotions, ya know?

P.s. read above for more info and updates about the FP

Seems more like anxious attachment style.

Therapy, or self-work, might help you explore its patterns or roots & develop a stronger sense of self.

To your doubts about why she has not responded: most likely, she forgot or is busy with something else. If you wonder whether she is drafting a message, forgot, or hates you, try to always default to the option that is least self-centered.

Let me explain. People are in general busy, frazzled, and preoccupied with their own problems. This is a general state of being for a great many people, but nowadays we add to this all the digital distractions.

What is a person who is preoccupied with her many problems and TODOs most likely to do withbrespect to you: hate you, be en route to responding to you, or forget about you?

She is most likely to forget about you because she is preoccupied with other things. You are not a priority for her, but that does not mean she hates you.

Next on the list of hypotheses ranked by likelihood is that she is thinking of writing to you, but is not done. It is possible.

On the bottom of the ranked list is "she hates" you. This is highly unlikely, as hate is a strong emotion, and given the very shallow interactions she and you have had so far, the likelihood that you have managed to engender an emotion of that strength is very low.

Your belief that you are an object of hate based on shallow interactions is very self-centered, but in a negative way. Self-centeredness does not have to involve grandiose beliefs about self. It does not have to involve believing that the world revolves around you because you are royalty. It can also involve believing that everybody pays attention to some perceived or even real imperfections of yours. Most likely people do not pay attention because they are already overstretched and busy.

This situation you are in your FP, worrying that she hates you, is similar to many descriptions of social anxiety, where sufferers hold false beliefs that other people think of nothing else but said sufferers' failings. Usually, they do not. At least not if you are not inside a high school clique dynamic

Learning to live with your relative unimportance to others might help you offboard this highly dramatic and anxious train of thought you are on. No, she does not hate you, but she does not love you, either. You are of relatively low importance to her. Tepid rather than hot and cold. No more than tepid. And that is totally ok.

Here’s that segment from the book. I don’t know which order it’ll show up but it should be obvious which are the helpful habits and which are the harmful

@MuddyBoots So if I am skimming over these correctly, some seem to be positive things and others seem to be negative. Is that right? I am sure I have a lot of negatives, but it does me good to look for positive examples, so I will focus on those. It has just been hard when I see a lot of negative behaviors in others to pick up these habits, but I will try to look for more of the positive, because I see some of that too.

I agreed with what told you to check about Borderline Personality Disorder.
This fact about favourite persons is a common thing in adolescente people and borderline personality disorder’s people are known for having self-defence mechanisms from early stages of maturity
I don’t mean you have this disorder. Maybe, it’s only a trait. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. People with this disorder may be treat. Please, don’t be afraid. There are lots of negative myths. Nothing to do with reality.
That’s only a thing of movies.

No. You have to focus on both positive and also negative. If you do want to progress.