Warning - Very Long, Extended Rant

I'm cranky.



Where to start. I don't even know why I am bothering to make this post, because I am not really looking for anything in particular, I just want to dump all of this out in the hopes that it doesn't make me as depressed and cranky as I have sort of been the last couple of days.

First, the oh-so-responsible ex.

ARGH.

Well, when I got home, I emailed him to let him know about the baby. He was all happy and excited and "couldn't wait to meet him". Ok, fine, wonderful. Well, I might have mentioned that he is pretty much homeless right now and surfing from couch to couch.

Since then, he wasn't getting back to me at all, and I began to wonder. Well, he has dissapeared on me and hasn't touched base in over a week. Last I heard he went to the next town over from where he stays normally and that was it. Even our friends haven't heard anything.

I know he has been online, because I saw that he checked his facebook. What's odd is that I usually email him through another site we both frequent, and he hasn't gone on there at all. Which is odd, because he usually does anytime he goes online. Now the thing about that is, I know he knows that I would know (hows that for alot of knowing eh)he was online via his account on that site, because it tells you the time and date the person was last on. Makes me wonder if he is avoiding it so I can't know if he is online. Who knows, maybe I am paranoid. Well, rightfully so. I have his fricking kid. I mean, (god/whatever forbid) what if something had happened to Jeremy? What if Jeremy suddenly needed, I dunno, a transfusion or something from a blood relative, and I couldn't do it? Or what if he was sick? A baby's first days are the most delicate and anything can happen..anyways, I know I am probably just inventing situations but it just pisses me off.

And the other thing about it is that HE KNOWS I have an affidavit he has to sign regarding the babys last name. I told him that in my first message. We had decided the baby would have his last name because I sure as hell wasnt giving him my dads last name that i still currently have.
People keep telling me to get a lawyer, but for what? He is homeless, and doesn't work. Will he work in the future? Probably, for a couple of months. He is trying to clean himself up. And I support him in that. I wouldn't want to chance chasing him off by going through all that court stuff right off the bat. To be honest, I would rather see him be some part of the kid's life, even if it is a small part, than to try and sue him for money which I wouldn't get anyways and scare him off. Well, I don't know if it would scare him off, but he is just at a fragile point... No, hell why am I making excuses? Blah.

And next.

My mother.



Ok. Where the heck to start with this one.

So, most of you know the convaluted history of my mother. Or, some of it at least.

Well, she did ok (or I didn't notice) in the delivery room when I had the baby. Moreso I suspect I just didn't notice her.

Well, before I gave birth, she promised to stay with me over night the first couple of weeks. Well the day we were coming home she kept talking about the stuff she had to do at her apartment when she got home that night, so I said i thought you were going to stay with me. Well, she said she never said that, and that she had baking to do, and cleaning, and had to work the next day, and needed her sleep as she had to work for a whole seven hours (she cleans a local guys house) and that it was alot of work.

So the complaining began.

I ended up spending the first night alone, and I did fine. In fact I have been alone every night, thankfully Jeremy is a great baby.

Anyways back to what I was saying.

The deal was she would come over every day to help me, make my meals and tidy up while I was recovering from childbirth and taking care of the baby. Which, she mostly does. BUT...

Every time she gets over here, it is nothing but constant complaining about how much work it is to come over here and help (she lives one duplex over, just so you know) and how she has to walk ALL THE WAY OVER HERE(a whole, 20 feet maybe) and how she has to rest for her one day of work so she is not tired..

And then the complaining about how I live my life. She gets over here, and tells me I shouldn't have certain lights on ( I leave my kitchen light on so I can see at night and don't trip if I get up to get something - I get very stiff in the hips at night and don't want to fall) then she complains when she finds out I ate all of something in the fridge. That leads to "God girl take it easy on the <insert food here>, I can't afford more when you run out, I can't be paying for all of this all the time. I have bills to pay, and I am barely making any money(she makes more than I do).Then, when she brings something over to eat, and I don't finish it, she gets mad at that too. "you better eat that soon, don't waste food, I put alot of work into making that for you..." Nag, nag nag nag.

Then there is the paranoid ideals. I live in a town of a thousand people. I know who EVERYONE is. I forgot to lock the door at night once, and the next day I got a three hour lecture about how I and the baby were going to eventually end up murdered because of it if I didn't stop being so foolish. Well, yes, I should lock the door, but I highly doubt we are going to end up murdered if we forget once in a blue moon.

Oh, and then there is the pile of papers on the floor a foot from the heater. Well, as soon as she saw THAT, i got a half hour lecture about how we were going to burn to death, and did I know what it was like to watch a friend burn to death, because she certainly had(she watched a house burn down with a friend in it when she was a little girl - she didnt see the person burning) and so I had better be careful or else the same thing would happen to me.

Then, it was if I left the kitchen light on, it was going to short out and cause a fire and burn us down.

When i leave lights on for too long, even if I am in the room , she tries to tell me to use nightlights instead unless I am reading or need the light, because "she is not paying my power bill if its high", even though I have explained to her my bill is on a budget with the company and can only ever be 83.00 because of that.

Then the cell phone. She keeps telling me not to use it too much, then calls me all day and racks up the minutes.

Plus the other day I had just gotten the baby to sleep and she went and picked him up and woke him up. GRRR. Plus when I change him, she makes jokes about "I can see the little horse in the barn"(his genitals) and that makes me SERIOUSLY uncomfortable. I know she doesn't probably mean anything major by it, but.. with my past history(which she also doesn't beileve) it just triggers me off and makes me very uncomfortable.

Ok. Next.

Today I was looking at pictures from the scene I used to be in in the city and it made me miss all my friends. I really have no friends in this town anymore my age, because everyone has moved away. And the more I thought about it the more I just got this dejected feeling like my life is going to end up being the same thing all the time. And then I felt bad, because I should be absolutely happy enough with just the baby right? And now I feel guilty for even wanting more than what I have in the first place. Don't get me wrong, the baby is EVERYTHING to me. I just wish I had some friends to visit me and stuff.

Ah, hell. I just haven't been feeling very up and up the last couple of days. Perhaps a touch of the baby blues. I am keeping an eye on it, want to be sure it doesn't become PPD(postpartum depression) but for now it doesn't feel all that extreme.

Sigh. If you lived through this whole thing, then I stand in awe of you, lol. Thanks for reading if you did.

awww (((rainbowzz))) I didn't live through it, I just read it...you are living it.

I'm thinking that you need to get a message to the ex that all you want is the signature, or to know if he isn't going to be forthcoming on it....and leave all the other issues alone, like he's left you. ((((hugs))) He may not want the name issue, as that means his responsibility... might take court for that.

(((Rainbowzz)))

So very sorry that things are going like they are. Sky sounds like she has a good idea on it.

((((Sky))))

You may just be right. Now if I can just figure out a way to find him, I could do that.

Hey, don't listen to me cause I DETEST depending on anyone so I would have thrown mom out and moved into a cave if I had to just so she couldn't rub my nose in anything or have any amo to complain about me with. You are fine, turn a deaf ear or tell her to stop complaining. As for the name thing. Just tell him you need the name not the money. I would not hold out hope for him to ever get his act together to be in a responsible relationship with either of you. If it happens great but don't want it or wait for it. Feel free to avoid all of this post since I seem to be in a crappy mood. You are VERY mature and responsible. Take care. Change kiddo's diaper in private if you have to. What a comment on a baby.

HI,, RAINZZ !! .

I got out my popcorn >>. And Drink >>. ,,,, Skipped the Pizza <<< Just Kidding .

Any how ,,, Stay with the thought of not scare off ,,, and ,, Hope for Best and not Think it to death to far as to ex . Babys' Daddy .

WOW. >>>>>>>.... MOM !! hehe.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ,, come on ??

You'll be the SAME Way in 20 some years .<<<

(((Bowzz))))))) sending good wishes Rainbowzz... you are smart.... i feel better knowing you can come here and find someone, many, who care.... : )

WMD, Wisewoman, Nowhere

(((((many hugs)))) for your replies.

And why the hell do I even CARE about the ex anyways? With everything hes done, you would think I would absolutely hate him, but I dont. I wish I did.

It's none of my business and you sure don't have to answer. It's just something to think about. Do you have any plans for your future, Sweety? You have too much on the ball to stay stuck in a hick town for the rest of your life.

You need something to do, friends, etc. Your mom would have driven completely whacko by now.

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SeptemberMorn said:
It's none of my business and you sure don't have to answer. It's just something to think about. Do you have any plans for your future, Sweety? You have too much on the ball to stay stuck in a hick town for the rest of your life.

You need something to do, friends, etc. Your mom would have driven completely whacko by now.



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Thats just it. I DID have an ok life in the city.. ok, I might not have been working, because I was too messed up via my issues to commit to a full time job, mostly because of anxiety/chronic insomnia/inability to handle a work environment... but when I was in the city, i at least got to go out once in a while, had friends to visit, had friends visit me.. and I got to choose when I wanted to be alone, rather than feeling like I am forced to be alone. Does that make any sense? And, too, I was planning on going through vocational rehabilitation at some point if I could find daycare for bubs. Which is another point, in this town, there wouldn't be any daycare, and I certainly am not leaving the baby with my mother, its just not an option. even if I did, there is no work around here that I can do anyways. My skills are all in call centers and offices, which are few and far between around here. I can't do anything manual or labourish(made up a word there) because of my back.

On top of that I was planning on going back to school part time to take the first of my psychology courses. But, now, I am like an hour and a half away from any college/uni/ect that I could do that from, and I can't afford it anyways. Im not entirely sure I could have afforded it anyways to be honest, but at least I was able to work towards it in the city.

Too, in the city, I was able to go to museums, talks, lectures, interesting exhibits, or just hang around downtown on nice days.

I know and realize I moved home for a very good reason, I couldnt have made it on my own with the ex being the way he was, and couldnt have made it on my own in an apartment. It just wouldnt have been able to fly, not right now. in order to take care of bubs I had to move back.

Not that i resent the baby for any of this if it sounds like I do. I moreso resent the ex for not being able to step up and do the responsible thing for at least when I was pregnant and first getting set up. If it wasnt for him I wouldnt have had to move in the first place.

rainbowzz this whole thread shows who the real grown up is here, iIMO all arrows point toward you dearheart, proud of ya

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and I can't afford it anyways.

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It might be worth looking into seeing if your eligible for some assistance with college bills with the new baby. That doesn't solve the distance but more and more schools have classes you can take online now.

There's a 5 month old baby where i live and to my surprise when im feeling down or anxious/annoyed that it can actually help to have her around. When the baby looks at you and smiles, its awesome.

(((((Rainbozz))))

I am in awe of your ability to stare all of this in the face. I too know what it's like to be stuck in a dead end town.

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I can also identify with your mother's issues. I have one like that too.

I am so frustrated with the babys father and the fact that I may have to explain some day to this gorgeous little boy that his father didnt care enough to even come see him once or ask about him after he was born.

I PMed the father to tell him pics were in my journal. He thanked me, but he didnt even bother to look at the pics.

I dont even understand how someone could be so cruel and heartless. You would think I would understand coming from where I do, but I dont.

I am just so sad tonight

<<<< I feel This Way For Ya ..... But , as has been said ,, New baby and make yourself heard as far as schooling goes ,,,.

Ya might be able to end up where you Really Wish to be . <<<<<<<,,,, That is what I WISH For You.

darling {{{{{{bowzzie}}}}}}

don't use either of their frigging names, make up a new one & change yours to be same as Jeremys

you dont want him to have their names, make a new one for the both of you we know quite a few ppl who have done that