[DeepThought]

Both myself and my wife have difficulty with our mother-in-laws.
My mother is 70 and is a care giver to my dad who is 80 and who has Alzheimer's
and to my sister who has schizophrenia. About a year ago, I suggested
to them that they should move to our town so I can help them out
and about 6 months ago they did just that -- despite objections from my
wife. Their move to our town has created a significant rift between
me and my wife and I feel we are on a slippery slope leading to
separation and divorce. I care for my wife deeply, but think she
is getting it all wrong and is overly sensitive. My mom suggested that my wife and
my parents break all ties, do not see each other, etc. At this point, I
go to see my parents once a week for 2 hours but talk to my mom pretty
regularly to see how they are doing and how I can help ..
But, my wife is mad as hell and does not
want me to help my parents and prefers if I sever my relation completely
with them. She also thinks my mom is "bad influence" on my
6 year old son and does not want me to take him to see their
grandparents. My mom does have her short comings -- she
is a miser and you could say that she has a type
A personality and is blunt. But, she totally adores my son and
would do anything for his only grandchild. She has also been a
fantastic mother for me throughout my life -- I feel that I can't desert her.
My wife says now that they have moved here, we should move
out of town!

It has also become a tit-for-tat situation .. now that
my son can't see my parents, my son is also not allowed to see
her parents.

My wife has developed an obsession about my mother which
I think is bordering abnormal behavior!

Any ideas and suggestions would be more than welcome.

[salukigirl]

well to me it sounds like pieces of the puzzle are missing. unless your wife is uber controlling/not logical, there must be some reason why she feels this way. and of course you dont want to see your mother the way your wife does so it might be totally out of the blue for you.

is she being reasonable with her assumption that your mom is a bad influence? what exactly does your mom do to be this bad influence? have you tried talking to you mom about your wife's objections and if so, how does she feel about them?

you need to think about which relationship is unhealthy for you at this time. if you look at your relationships from the outside for a second and see that your wife if totally out of line then concentrate on that. but dont be afraid to look at how your mom acts, just because shes your mom. i had to cut off ties with my dad for about 2 years because i just couldnt take it anymore. you need to do whats best for you because if things with you arent right, that travels to your son as well. you need to focus on what you need in your life and stick with that. but dont be afraid to look at both your wife and your mom. hope this helps.

[DeepThought]

My mother-in-law lives 2000 miles away -- on several occasion
my wife has expressed frustration with the fact that with my parents
moving near us, my son will develop stronger ties with
my parents -- she can not swallow that! That's why she calls my mom
"bad influence"

My mom was the principal of a 2000 student high school, knows
three languages, has traveled the world, and is totally committed
to the well-being of my son.

[tat2doc]

That's weird. Anything she's not saying? You need to get it out in the open before everyone regrets it.

[salukigirl]

deepthought - no offense, but your mother knowing languages and traveling the world doesnt mean jack. there are plenty of people who do that stuff and have meaningful jobs that are total jerks. so dont look at that stuff, cause that isnt a good judge of character. it sounds like youre making excuses for your mom and throwing in good things that have no bearing on the situation to take away from the real issue here. and that doesnt sound like a valid reason to call someone a bad influence. are you sure there isnt something else?

[Dancer_in_the_light]

Your priority is supposed to be with your wife and child, not your your parents. That doesn't mean abandon your mom, or stop talking to her, but you are not responsible to her any more. You ARE responsible to your wife. No marriage in which one spouse is more attached to their parents than the other spouse can last.

You have a family of your own now. They should ALWAYS come first.

Decide quickly where your priorities lie. If your mother is your priority, then you need to let your wife find someone who will actually honor her in marriage.

[Perna]

I would ask your wife to pick a couples counselor that you and she can go to to hammer out the details of the situation and when and how relationships with your mother can take place. It does sound to me like your wife is being a little over the top but could get better if you all went to an independent arbitrator.

You talk about how your wife feels about your mother and your mother about your son but not what your mother says/feels about your wife. If your mother puts her down, baldly or subtly, especially when your son is around with the two of you, that's not an acceptable. Your sons behavior should be set by you and your wife, not your mother, either. Spoiling by her, buying him things out of the ordinary, etc. is not acceptable either.

I would try to work out seeing your mother, yourself, mostly at lunch or other times when you are not "home" and when it isn't so obvious to your wife. I don't mean lie about seeing her, I just mean see her on your own time when it doesn't upset your previous life until you can work with your wife and someone independent on how to resolve this issue.

[katheryn]

i am a wife who objects to the way the inlaws are a bad influence to my children mainly my son he is now 16 and hubby sees what im saying, we had many a argument over hubby going to there aid as soon as they ask, it wasnt untill reacantly hubby will say similer things to me maybe its coz my kids now see the things i saw, i never stopped my kids going

i also entertained them at xmas, ask your wife to write down why she thinks how it will effect your son if its coz he will see your parents more than hers, make sure you refer to her parents to him as well letting him send pictures and letters talking on the phone, even having web cam to talk to them

hope you sort out the diferances, i'm glad you want to help your parents but dont ruin your marriage other it

[DeepThought]

I agree that my priority should be my wife. But, my wife's reactions
to my mom have been way over the top and is bordering abnormal.
She has asked me to ask them to get out of town [they have a house
here, they have developed friends in the area, etc. etc.]. She is not
even willing to stand them being in the same town as us. She once kept calling my
mom until 4 am every 15 minutes [my mom wouldn't pick up the phone]
just to "bug" her. She also threatened to burn their house,
throw stones at my mom, etc. etc.

I am not defending my mom -- I think she has her flaws just like
any one else, but she is not the DEVIL! She is a very loving person
who has been under a lot of stress because she is caregiver to 2
people with psych disorders-- my 80 year old dad who has moderate Alzheimer's
and my 47 year old sister who has Schizophrenia.

My wife expects me to be accepting of her family, to move somewhere
so she can be close to her brother, sister, or mom, but is not
willing to meet me half way ... I don't expect her to ever talk to
my mom, but at the very least I expect her to give me the right
to see my mother and for my kids to see their grand parents once in a while.

Getting married does not mean going into servitude by the husband --
both man and wife need to compromise and to accept to some degree
the other person's wishes.

[1soslow]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
DeepThought said:

... She is not
even willing to stand them being in the same town as us. She once kept calling my
mom until 4 am every 15 minutes [my mom wouldn't pick up the phone]
just to "bug" her. She also threatened to burn their house,
throw stones at my mom, etc. etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Whoa, just a second; this is actually true? That would seem like a poor influence on a child to me. It sounds like your wife is in need of mental healthcare. If your statements are true, it seems like your wife might be on some kind of slippery slope. Is this irrational behavior escalating?

[salukigirl]

deepthought - i disagree with the above posters. your number 1 priority should ultimately be yourself. if you put others above your own mental health, thats not a very healthy state to have your wife, son, mother or yourself in. you need to put yourself first in your own life because if youre not healthy, nobody else is either. and if youre not happy, nobody else is either. stop putting others' happiness before yours. trying to make everyone happy just ends up not being good for anyone.

[Doh2007]

I felt the same way until we saw a marriage counselor who told my husband that I came first. Once he started treating me like I was number 1, I was able to relax and put up with snubs from his parents.

If you see yourself as the victim, torn between choosing your parents or your wife, you won't be able to hear what's being said. Listen to your wife and really hear her. When she feels heard, things will change for you.

[selfy]

thats tuffsickles. well. u need to talk it thru with her about why she is so upset about this. she seems controlling, and perhaps a little jealous? does she have living parents? could she be jealouus that u speak to your mom alot?
idk meself. wishing u good luck with it tho

[selfy]

thats tuffsickles. well. u need to talk it thru with her about why she is so upset about this. she seems controlling, and perhaps a little jealous? does she have living parents? could she be jealouus that u speak to your mom alot?
idk meself. wishing u good luck with it tho