Are online "friendships" and/or "cybersex" cheating?

It seems the other thread I started has created some pretty opinionated responses as to what constitutes cheating, as far as internet relationships go.

So, I will pose the question: do you think someone who is in a relationship, and has an online friendship with a member of the opposite sex, is cheating? Now, I'll leave the rest open; does the other person know, is there sex talk, do they talk via "live chat" or telephone - the specifics are up to you.

For the record I will say again, that in my opinion, anytime one person in a commited relationship has another relationship (friendship included) with a member of the opposite sex THAT THEIR PARTNER IN UNAWARE OF, that person is being deceitful, and yes, cheating.

Guess I'm just "old-fashioned".

for me personally I think it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex. in fact I tend to talk more to males than females. I would not consider a friendship cheating. now if they had cyber sex or phone sex that would be a different story.

I agree, friendships with the opposite sex are great...as long as your significant other is aware of them. A genuine friend of the opposite sex is one who is like any of your same sex friends, not one you share "sex talk" or "cyber sex" with.

My husband never actually met his first "cyber fling", she lived across the country, but what started at friendly emails, turned to sexually explicit emails, which led to frequent phone calls (that he went to great lengths to hide!) and a months long "relationship". I will never forget what I read in one of the emails I discovered, he had shared some of the sexual fantasies I had thought were "ours" with her, and even more hurtful, he called her "Sweetheart" (what he called me when we first met). Physical contact or not, I was betrayed and hurt. To me, by sharing his life with another woman in that way, he broke his wedding vows.

Hmmm, good question. I do think that cyber/phone sex is wrong. It is a betrayal. I don't think sexual talk or flirting is wrong. We all flirt in one way or another. See an attractive person somewhere and we make eye contact. A little smile, wink or even a nod of the head is a flirt depending on what your thoughts are at the time. It happens all the time, every day. We are naturally attracted to good looking people.

I call women sweetie, cutie, hon, babe or kid depending on how well I know them. I wouldn't call a complete stranger that though. Sometimes the endearment terms are used to help the person feel better about themselves. I use them to get their attention when I am in a conversation.

I counsel people in relationships that are going badly or they are not getting along. I try to get them to talk about their troubles and sometimes it leads to sexual comments. Lots of women don't feel good about their bodies in one way or another. I point out their good traits. We all have good traits.

Most of my counsel is online and my wife dosen't care to know about it. She knows I counsel and she knows it is relationship and she knows it can get sexual. She also knows that I wouldn't ever let anything get too far. I try to build ego up in people, especially women. I think men have unrealistic expectations of the women in their lives, especailly after the thrill of the pursuit is over and they have been together for a while and have children, etc.

So, yes, online and phone sex are wrong. The person that is doing that has something missing in their life. It may not even be with their current spouse or partner. They have a missing character trait and that is what needs to be corrected.

Hope this helps to clarify the issue.

Have a great weekend, I'm going to the campground with my wife and the cat to spend 3-4 days together. There is something about that travel trailer that gets my wife excited in a way I like. I can't wait to get there.

I have many friends on MSN and YAHOO who I talk to many of whom are male, hubby is aware of all of them ! If I started to keep any a secret then I would consider that as cheating.

cybersex, yes

online friends, sometimes

to me what he did was wrong. that was more than a friendship. I know or feel my hubby has females he talks to or has talked to that he considers his friends. I trust him and know that he would not talk sexual to them.
I am sorry you were betrayed hon. (((hugs)))

Cybersex...LOL...seems so outrageous and pitiful to me. I can't even imagine. But the mind is very powerful...the mental attraction one can develop to a total stranger online. Must be very unhappy and desperate to do such a thing. I could never go there, but, YES, if one has a partner, that would definitely be a form of infideltly.
As for corresponding with a male, I do that. I have an old highschool sweetheart with whom I've corresponded for many years now. His wife knows of this, and we just update each other on our lives, etc.
I don't consider this infidelity, but i did tell him that we must refrain from romantic references, and we do.
Patty

If it's just friends then I don't see a problem. But when you start flirting or cybering with that person then I consider that cheating.

I wouldnt like it. Id consider cybering cheating for defo

babyg xXx

Someone once said if your spouse were looking over your shoulder at what you were typing on the computer with someone you had some kind of "friendship" with of the opposite sex, would you feel comfortable? If not , then there is something wrong with the "friendship." I talk to my women friends about things that are deeply personal, but I don't go into that kind of stuff with male friends--I don't think it is appropriate & it can lead to emotional bonds that then take away from the bond with your spouse. You could end up being more emotionally involved with the other person & then that can lead to the physical stuff.

To me, the physical stuff is at the end of the line. I don't want my husband being emotionally tied to another female--sharing his deepest thoughts & feelings...that is a sign that something is going too deep in the "friendship."

I don't do cyber anything with males. Just post at a few sites like this or comment on an article in the NY Times or something. Very wary of actually getting a relationship with anyone (such as giving email address) going on the computer. Too many horror stories.--Suzy

Having online friends is ok, in fact for someone like me who has avoidant personalty disorder, its almost the only way we can make friends

Sex talk directed at someone online, when engaged in what was understood by both parites in IRL to be a monagamous relationship does constitute cheating, because you are expressing a desire to show intimate affecttion to another even if you do not have the wherwithall to consumate the desire in IRL

just my 2 cents

TJ

Technically, if you're in a relationship and you have another romantic/sexual relationship with another person, that's cheating. Be it in real life or in the online world. So cybersex is considered for that matter.

But as for friendships, I don't think so. The responsibility is really on the committed person, whether she/he will let the friendship go on to the next level or not. For safety and healthy relationship, I think people should tell their partners of their close friends in general, in real life and online.

I do have real life friends and online friends. I have met four of my closest friends online ;] My exbf had a trouble with me having online friendships because he's not an Internet person AT ALL, but for as long as it's only friendship, I don't think it's wrong.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

I don't think friendships are cheating. I don't understand the whole cybersex thing, but that is definately cheating in my opinion.

considering my vast wealth of knowledge in the use of "phone sex"/cyber sex".......yes it is cheating

cyber sex can also involve explicit video transfers (cam-to-cam)

the only thing missing is human contact

and just a reminder , sex addiction is not about sex , for those who dont understand why people would cyber or use phone sex...

Well it depends on what the word "friends" means truly.

I feel the same way you do! I am in the same situation with my husband.

Suzy...grt post. I am struggling with strong suspicions and some 'proof' of this relationship existing and I, after much research on the subject, concur....if denial of the depth or nature of the relationship, defensiveness of, secrecy/deceit, arguementativeness over, etc. exist - yeah it is what it is. What to do when you find out is the question? Any intimate sharing of feelings etc which should be shared between partners - is emotional cheating. Getting the one involved in it to see your side is another story.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I wold be devastated as my husband & I have been together since I was 15 & he was 16 & have been married for 34 years. We have had our share of rough times due to my bipolar disorder, but our problems have never caused either of us to seek out an emotional or sexual relationship with another person.

I'm in indiv. therapy & DBT & we have had marital counseling together. We've raised 2 beautiful childen & have a strong sense of loyalty & commitment. When he had some major health problems a couple years ago he knew I was not going anywhere. I was going to be there right by his side no matter what the outcome. And., as I said, despite how difficult my bipolar episodes can be he is there (even to the point of having to take me to the ER after an overdose) & then will comfort me & help me regain some stability & conquer the shame I feel afterwards.

My daughter's husband did have a one-night stand (only once as far as she knows--he confessed to it--felt quilty & was drunk at the time), but since then she has found him looking at inappropriate web sites--not really "porn" but just scantily dressed young women, like teens & college-aged (she's 31 & very attractive but she is no longer a teenager!)... So her self-esteem is in the gutter & she's very hurt & wondering if her husband is that superficial that he is willing to hurt her to by doing these things (as she is now feeling very vulnerable & like he is not happy with her physically). After the affair, he was very sorry & for months tried to show her his love & appreciation of her, but now he's doing this...

She's very hurt & has gone into therapy to see if she wants to stay married as she really doesn't want to continue to feel like this. He has agreed to go to marital counseling too, but she is concerned that his behavior seems to be a pattern & an immature one. If he can't control his impulses that he knows hurt her...

I know a lot of people would say that it is no big deal, but to her it is a big deal & violates her values & the kind of relationship she wants in a marriage & what she thought she had with this fellow. They have been married for 5 years. They went to law school together & she is a law prof & he is a practicing attorney in a law firm.

They've travelled quite extensively together on almost non-existant budgets eating boiled eggs & rice (camping), but loving the experiences they had--like 3 mos. in a little fishing village in Mexico. before attending law school.

I agree with her about not wanting to stay in a marriage where your partner doesn't understand that he is hurting you tremendously by his behavior & is not willing to abandon that behavior & being defensive about it (it is not like it is crucial to his survival or self-growth or enlightenment, I wouldn't think). Oh well, she will have to come to a decision & I will support her whatever it is & be a listening ear.

Sorry to get off track here. Cheating (cyper, phone, letter, smoke signals even (I suppose) hurts most women terribly & it takes them a long time to recover (if ever) in my opinion.--Suzy

from personal experience let me tell you...it hurts men just as much when their wives/gfs do it

personally friendships are ok

emotional/physical connections are not

A woman messaged me on Facebook regarding my boyfriend (we are in a LDR he lives in the UK now). She had done an image search and said she had been chatting with him on a dating/social site and wanted to make sure he was a real person and wasn't married. She said that we she saw our "in a relationship status" that upset her because he led her to believe she was the only woman he was talking to. Once I replied, we started exchanging emails and she snipped the last few messaging sessions they had and I was floored! They were so sexually explicit I nearly vomited as I thought those were things he only told me. She then told me they had been Skyping/web cam and again I was so deeply hurt. It bothered me so much that finally, after weeks of contemplation, I confronted him. He deleted his profile right then and there and sent me a screenshot of his skype friends. So I gave him another chance and then anytime he would say he tried calling me or skyping me he felt the need to prove it by sending a snip of it to me. YES! cybersex is totally cheating!!! It is the ultimate in betrayal because you have no idea what they are sharing with the other people and how attached emotionally they become which always leads to physical infidelity.